My story is going to be a long convoluted one. Forgive the length!
I met my husband online April 19th, 2005. He was starting a blog about some changes he was going to be making in his life and he was browsing through them and came across mine. He left a note to a post of mine that really helped validate me and made me feel good. I then posted back to his blog something positive. This went on until we decided to take it to instant messaging. He was in a relationship (not married) and they had broken up and gotten together, rinse and repeat. I attempted to help him with his relationship giving him advice. We would chat off and on. I was dating other people at the time and he was in Canada so I really didn't have the mindset of us ever being able to be anything other than friends. He ended up moving back home to his parent's house for good. This is where it gets convoluted. We ended up talking more and becoming closer until it became a how do we meet up in person. I paid for his trip to the United States on a bus. I was a single mom with three kids and I had just graduated from nursing school. He stepped off the bus and that is when he and I became a "we". He stayed for 6 months. During this time he would talk about being depressed and I figured it was due to him being away from home and not having any friends, missing his family, and not having a vehicle of his own to get around to make friends. He went back home to Canada because he was unable to stay for longer than 6 months at a time due to him not having a Visa. We sort of just decided to get married so he could stay because we loved each other so much. I began the paperwork for his Visa. I sent him gifts while he was home in Canada. I paid his bank account out of overdraft because he was addicted to online poker. Prior to us he was smoking pot, smoking cigarettes, drinking a lot, and had a past history of attempted suicide and heroin addiction (which he beat). When he was here he gave up smoking pot and cigarettes and drank on occassion here. He always would be very high when he was happy and very low when he was sad. I would buy him things because he would be happy for a while, but it was short lived. I realize now that this is not how you make someone happy, but I was raised by my mother to do this and I now take full responsibility for my actions. I would tell him when he was here how since I worked full time it was only fair that he clean the house. I was our only support financially. At the beginning it was because of him not having the right to work here in the states, but he never really would work when he would go back home for the times we were apart. In the 3 and a half years we have been together he has worked 5 months. My house was rarely clean and I would tell him that I felt like a paycheck. Not only to him, but to my kids as well. Nobody would listen when I would tell them that all I wanted to make me happy was a clean house. My husband would forget things that were important to me and I would constantly have to remind him. I hated that. I and he ended up feeling like I was his mom even though I would tell him that I didn't like being in that position. I ended up having a very serious illness and gained 120 lbs and became even more obese. At my top weight I was 421 lbs. I was 300 when we met. He was not put off at me being a big girl. However me being 421 lbs from this illness put a lot of strain on my self esteem. It also limited how I felt about fitting in to situations. I did become withdrawn about wanting to go out. I had brain surgery in April and I just knew that I would be fixed. Well the recovery is actually worse than the disease and I have other health issues coming to light now. I also have had to work even though I am in severe pain. This also became a resentment on my part. It always felt as if my husband was trying to feel worse than me, but would then tell me that he didn't feel the right to be so upset and so on. It was a round robin. He worked at Wal-Mart, but quit because his foot was hurting him, yet I have such severe pain I can barely walk on my feet sometimes. So the resentment builds. Mind you during all of this he does a lot of things for me. He gets me drinks, turns on my fan for me, runs errands, picks up the kids, and watches the kids. All of this I appreciate and I do tell him this. He ends up feeling resentment, but doesn't feel he has the right to complain although it is very apparent in his face and his actions at times that it pisses him off to have to take care of me. To be honest, I only have so much energy and I have to save it up in order to go work 12 hour shifts as a RN. I am unable when I am home to go and do much because I am so tired, because I am uncomfortable in my skin, and because I hurt. I tell him I don't like to do a lot of the things he wants to do because it hurts me to admit that I can't do them. He feels like I am uninterested in him and tells me so. I try to explain that I am. He finally got a job that paid well in November of 2008. He would gripe about the person he was working with. Then he was able to borrow some money from his dad to get a car. We bought $300 tires for the car. The car broke down a month later. He sold the car for $300, but still owed his dad $600 for the car. I was upset and didn't realize the importance to him of this car. He felt like he had accomplished something even though his dad was the one to give him the money for the car. He then gets fired from his job. I don't handle it well. Instead of being able to console him and hug him, I go into crisis mode and try to figure out what we are going to do. He is hurt. Then a few weeks later, he hasn't really made an attempt to get a job and has been moping around and I am really feeling the strain financially with me just supporting us. I tell him that sometimes I just want to say "F*ck your feelings". Which he took to mean that I didn't care about his feelings and it I feel validates him thinking that I don't find him interesting or his feelings valid, when what I meant to say was sometimes you just have to say f*ck feelings and go on. You can't mope and be depressed you have to man up and move on. He latched on to that and has made it much bigger than it was. I realize it hurt his feelings and I profusely apologized for how it came out, but I couldn't apologize for what I meant because I was in a crisis mode and was trying to figure things out for my whole family not just him. He has for the past month told me he hates children. That he doesn't understand them. You could tell that he was reacting different. Shorter temper and yelling alot. the kids sure noticed. I chalked it up to stress from all that has been going on. Things still don't appear to be something we haven't been going through and stuff that we had said over and over if you put up with my crap, I will put up with yours. We started doing some talking and I told him without even really thinking about it how I couldn't understand staying someone where you are miserable all the time. We went to Tennessee to get lottery tickets and then I was going to surprise him with going bowling. He said he wasn't up to it, so instead we all went for chinese food. His fortune cookie said something about him and his wife and it being good. It made him pause. I made him keep the fortune and he put it in his wallet. Then the next day we went out to bowl. We had a good time, or at least I thought we did. Kids went to school on Monday and I was supposed to go to a dr's appt. We ended up talking and he dropped the bomb. He didn't want to be married anymore. He didn't want to be responsible. He said that he had been pushing his feelings down for a very long time and that I was the cause of his depression. He said I had convinced him that he was crazy and needed meds and that he had thought about killing himself and that it was because of me. I was floored. He also has said that he doesn't want to be a father or a role model and doesn't believe he has been. I need to stop, but will post more later. I'm just really tired of dredging up things. And I am sure I have missed a lot. I don't know whether he is a WAS or is having a MLC. I have ordered the book and will see what I need to do. So far I have done the begging, pleading, crying, and hysterics. I have given ultimatums. When he was packing his stuff and leaving we talked and talked and you could see his mind working the whole time. He would open up and then you could see the shades in his eyes close. I felt like I was on a rollercoaster. My stomach has hurt for days and I can barely eat. I have lost 20 lbs in the little over 2 weeks that he has been gone. I feel like a stalker. I go back and read his blog that he wrote and look for answers. I go back and read text, emails, and instant messages looking for signs. I knew he was unhappy and depressed, but he gave me so many different reasons why and I would attempt to fix them, but I think honestly that he isn't happy with himself. He lost his job, his car, and I feel like he felt like he lost my respect. He said he got to the point where he felt like one of my kids. Me "yelling as he says" at him and constantly nagging. The thing is I never wanted to nag. I wanted things to be important enough to him for him to remember on his own. It never happened. Right now he is living at a friend's gym on the top floor. He doesn't have a job, but does computer repair jobs on the side. He went to get his GED because he almost had a job and didn't get it due to the fact he didn't have his diploma as he was missing a credit. He couldn't get in touch with the school to rectify the situation in time before they emailed him and told him they had given the job away. He was distraught about that. I've checked his phone logs (stalker). He has received some weird calls from a number in Texas. Talk for a minute, hang up, talk for five minutes, hang up, talk for a minute, hang up. This has happened twice the past two mornings and I can't make sense of it. I had a friend call the number and a man answered the phone. So I am unsure if this is the husband or father of a female he is contacting or if it's a friend of his that used to live in Canada? I get conflicting signals from him. When he was leaving I told him that there was a possibility that he could come back and I'm sure that made it easier for him to leave. Well then the next morning I marched over there hysterical and told him that he had to make the decision now that I couldn't be put on the back burner and that if I walked out he wasn't going to get to come back. I walked out and he didn't follow me. I was devastated. I waited a day or so and went back and told him that I wanted to be friends and I wanted to listen. We talked and I did wind up getting defensive and he called me on it. I told him I was trying and that getting defensive was human nature. We then talked a bit and he opened up telling me that he didn't find me attractive. He said when we were happy I was the most beautiful woman in the world, but I told him we had been unhappy for a while so that meant he hadn't found me beautiful in a long time. I cried, but didn't say anything. I got up to go and he ended up hugging me. I had hugged him when I originally walked in and he was so stiff. This time he wasn't. He was relaxed and sighed. He then started working out and showing me what he did at the gym that he had wanted me to come see. He got all sweaty and even had me throwing a medicine ball at him while he had his legs locked around mine (he was laying on the floor). Then he acted like he wanted to hug me again but he was sweaty. I told him that him being sweaty had never made me not want to hug him before why would it start now. He hugged me again. We talked a bit longer about things. He said he would be in touch by text or email if I wanted him to keep me updated. I said of course. Then he said that I could come visit him if I wanted to. Didn't know what this meant. Went home. It was a few days later and I was going nuts not hearing from him. I decided that he meant that he wanted me to visit him so I got all dolled up. Dressed in jeans that I haven't wore in years and made my way to the gym. He was outside laughing with the guys. He saw me drive up and his face fell. He came over and we talked. He said he felt uncomfortable being happy around me. We talked. I had him hug me. He told me then that he loved me just not like what I thought love should be. He then led me to believe that he wasn't with me because of the kids that he still didn't want responsibility and didn't feel like he was a good dad. I then stupidly told him that maybe we should try to fix us because my kids wouldn't be living with me forever. My youngest is 10. He had an answer to counter everything I said. He ended up saying you know some day I will want to date again and I was confused, because I was still thinking we were talking about us being together in the future. He said that he couldn't be with me because we couldn't live together because of the kids. He told me that he doesnt' know what he will want in the future but that right now he knows he doesn't want to be responsible or be a dad. During this I tried to get him to kiss me and he told me it hurt him too bad and made it too hard. He also told me after he hugged me that he didn't know if it felt good because it was me he was hugging of if he just needed a hug. I was devastated. I left and went home. He didn't call me on my birthday. I had called him to try to get a cord back for the kids to the PS3 we have. He never answered. I sent a text. No response. I go by the gym the next morning on the way home from work. His truck is there so I decide to stop. I pound on the door. No answer. I honk my horn. No answer. I call the cell phone. No answer. I go home and fall asleep. He ends up calling me back and my heart lights up when I see the number on the phone. He starts telling me this story about how he went to do a computer job and was going to email me something about my birthday because talking on the phone is awkward. Well the computer job ended up turning out badly. He only ended up making $20 for 5.5 hours of work and spent a lot in gas. He then tells me that he got back to the gym after this and was pissed. Grabbed his smokes and went outside (he's starting smoking again) and locked himself out. He said he walked to a guy's house that lived close by. This doesn't make sense to me, but oh well and that he walked back to the gym and jimmied the lock to get in. He didn't have access to a phone or email so he couldn't tell me happy birthday. I was very caring and sensitive and empathized. I told him that the girls at work gave a cake and how the guys at work had hacked into it before anyone could sing to me or let me cut my own cake. I was talking a mile a minute and sounded so happy. He asked me about counseling and I told him that my intake appointment was first and that they would be having a meeting to assign me a counselor and I was to call back on Wednesday to make my first actual appointment. I told him I had asked them if he could come to counseling and they said yes. I had approached this to him before at the time I got all dolled up. Counseling is free for me and my family members due to where I work. I told him then that I thought it would help him and he asked me if he had to go. Weirdest question in the world to me. He said at that time he would think about it. He sounded so sad and finally said You sound so happy and I just sort of hemmed and hawed. We talked for 24 minutes. I was excited. This was on Sunday. Well Monday, I get a package of stuff he had ordered before he left. I called to let him know and was going to drop it off at the gym if he was there. He calls me back and says that he has been at a computer job and had two that day. He meets up with me at the gas station to make an exchange. On the phone I break down telling him that I am sorry that him leaving has really opened my eyes to things that I needed to change about myself and I thanked him. He said it felt awkward but that I was welcome. The whole situation is awkward giving him the package. It's then that he tells me about his going to get his GED because his school isn't getting info to him fast enough. He said he had to run to register. I bawled all the way to work. I cried so hard I could not see the road. I have to go by the gym to get to work and to get home from work also to take the kids to school. This morning I drive by at 7:20 in the morning and his truck isn't there. I am upset believing he has stayed the night with someone then I come home and check the college website and realize he is taking his GED today. No word from him since Monday. Then there is the whole number in Texas thing that has me spazzed. I feel like I am going crazy. Someone talk me down and help me figure this out!!!
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
I know this is long, but I would really like someone to comment. Sorry that I wrote a novel.
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
First, let me say that I'm sorry that you are here, in what must feel like the worse part of your life. Lots of folks here are in similar straights. Keep posting here on your sitch, and take a gander at some other folks threads for some insight into what is working and what isn't working for them. Also feel free to post some comments on other threads and get to know some of the people here. You will find lots of sympathy here.
I think I'll defer to one of the other fine ladies here to comment on the specifics of your sitch, but keep your chin up.
Have you started reading DB/DR yet?
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
Thank you for your kind words. I have not read the book yet, but it is on order. I am reading the other threads but don't feel as if I have the right to give any advice. This is all new.
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
Don't worry about giving advice. Just chiming in with an encouraging word is enough. Get to know folks. Lots of new people come on the boards and unless they are active and post around they get lost in the action.
Again welcome!, and I'm sorry that you are here.
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
A friend of mine just lowered a boom on me. My children are very upset about this whole situation. This is not the first time that we have had a man leave because he was unhappy. I believe I attract people who I feel like I can fix and eventually it comes to pass that it was never something that I was responsible to try to fix and inevitably can't fix and they leave. My oldest son is so angry. He told me tonight that he was so mad that he was unable to protect me and his sisters from my husband hurting us. I am so sad that he feels this way. I tried to tell him that it wasn't his responsibility to protect me that I was supposed to protect him and his sisters from hurt. My oldest daughter has a father in her life so this is just sort of a blip for her. She really doesn't want him back because he has been so hard to live with lately. My youngest little girl adored this man even when he yelled at her. She has always wanted a daddy and he had said he was going to adopt her. The man previous to her that I did not marry had said the same thing and he left. My children have been through so much and my friend has pointed out that I am being selfish in wanting to reconcile with my husband because it is not in the best interest of my children. I honestly just want back my happy family. I guess I am finally realizing that that isn't going to happen. My husband has told me that he knows that right now he does not want to be a dad. He says he can't say that about forever, but he knows that he doesn't want this right now. I guess I should finally listen to what he says and how he feels because I haven't done that so well throughout our relationship.
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
