Is there any hope or is the damage done

[MrBond]

"The issue of the Protection Order/Safety Order came up and he has said that once I did that it damaged things forever between us. He claims that it is a profound statement of lack of care and love towards him."

YOU did NOTHING of the sort. He is just saying that because you decided to fight against his abuse and he learned that he couldn't control you.

"He says that he feels a huge waste over the last five years of our marriage but when he looks at the future he sees no waste in terms of the decision that he has made."

Your H is trying to belittle you. Do not take his venom as gospel. You are the strong one for fighting for you M while he is in denial.

If I may inject an opinion. I think your H is an egotistical, self-centered and immature bully. That's exactly what he's doing by trying to shatter your self-esteem. Well you don't take that from him. Live your life they way you want to. He wants to move back, then you do everything in your power to keep him out. He is the abuser and you don't let an abuser into your home to further abuse you.

He is disrespecting you and your D. Do you really want your D to learn that that's how her future H should treat her? I would even go so far as to tell you to move back home to get away from him. The only way to fight against a bully is just that...fight.

You are a special woman and don't you ever forget that.

[robx]

Last Friday I was forced to issue a Protection Order on him, with grounds for a Safety Order which will be sorted in our Court Hearing on April 17.I have down this because my H has been saying he will move back into the house -23 days a week once my Mum leaves in order to retain his legal rights around the house and our D. I feel that this is immoral considering his R with OW and the fact that he is committing adultery and has deserted us.
The sad thing is that i wanted none of this to happen. I desperately want to save my marriage but he is resolute and steadfast.
He is a different man to the man that I married; any advice on whether this can be saved?

I doubt that you will be able to enforce this.
Even if he moved out and is having an affair.
If the home is owned by both of you, it is owned by both of you. You can ask him to leave but not sure if he will agree.

Sorry to hear about your situation.

[innishannon]

Thanks to both of you for taking the time out to respond; it means so much to know that we are not alone and that people understand.

I think your H is an egotistical, self-centered and immature bully. That's exactly what he's doing by trying to shatter your self-esteem.


Stuck808; I have had so many people say this to me. And I can see it on one level. Perhaps my H has always been this way? I dont know, it just seems to me that he has changed into an alien; someone who wants nothing to do with me on a personal level. My self-esteem has taken a battering; the things he has said to me about my parenting, lack of care for nurturing the family unit etc. It seems that the enormous 180 turn that I have done with my life has made no impression on him whatsoever..But the truth is, as you say, that I have to do this for my D and myself now.

I feel that we are so far apart but who is to blame? Probably both of us. There is no doubt that OW complicate chances of reconciliation. I really want to get to the stage where I can fully detach so that his actions and words dont provoke an emotional reaction when we talk. I want to get to the stage where I can just organise our D care and then leave the room, where I am not defensive and hurt that he hasnt asked me about my life, how I am coping health wise (back in hospital yesterday for further tests and not even a question of how did it go...)but when my H acts in such an indifferent manner what am I to think? Do I believe what I am seeing and hearing or what is not obvious.

Hard also when he comes into the house , does the gardening, minds our D but whe she has gone to sleep is straight in the car off to his lovers house for the night. I wish I could be more aloof about all of this......

Any advice, is, as always, so appreciated.......thanks to all

[waiting2xhale]

I am a military spouse who recently came across this site. I’ve always thought my
husband and I had a good relationship. We met during our freshman year of
college. Six months later I was pregnant with our first child. In the
beginning it was a little rock, but we were young trying to make our family
work. Of course there are the regular marital issues but nothing we couldn’t
get through. I have been through three 6/7 month deployments with my husband
in our 9 ½ year marriage. The last deployment was this past year in Iraq,
something new for the both of us considering the first two were on the ship.
I didn’t suspect anything during the deployment. The love email back and
forth kept us going everyday for the entire 7 months. I even tried something
new; I sent videos and pictures just to keep the spice going. At times it
would be a bit scary because he was in a hostile area, but he would reassure
me that he was ok. Well I didn’t realize what was in store for our marriage.
The moment my husband got off the plane, I knew he
wasn’t the same person who left 7 months ago. The reunion was like no other
I experienced before and it didn’t take long before I notice the change in
my husband’s behavior. My suspicions started with a picture of him and a
younger co-worker that surfaced 9 days after he had come home. A picture
some questioned as a little too comfortable for two military members in
uniform. My husband states it was just a friendly photo and he saw no harm
in it. There were the unexplained disappearances with him not even coming
home one night. Something he had never done in our marriage. He had an
excuse for everything, telling me not to think so negative. I thought it was
me and my insecurities. I started reading self-help books to work on me. I
schedule one on one and couples counseling for us. We went on a marriage
retreat for a weekend to strengthen our marriage; something I thought was a
wonderful experience for the both us to start 09 with something new and
improved. This was all in the three months after he had returned. Little did
I know that there was something else on my husband’s mind, something that
had been keeping him from opening up to me since he had been home from Iraq.
This something was causing the frustration and the irritation that my
husband displayed towards me for the past 3 ½ months for no reason. It’s
been three months since my husband left our home and our marriage. In three
months he’ll be leaving again for another tour in Iraq. The first month I
questioned what was going on, was it me was it Iraq? The second month I
found out from snooping and searching that there was in fact someone else.
The same young woman in the picture. She had filled a void for my husband
while he was in Iraq and when he had returned home he made a choice to be
with her. I reported the affair to the command which was under investigation
but not enough information to hold both parties accountable.
Some say I was wrong for taking our issue to the command, but I felt my
husband had taken it there when he got involved with someone he worked with.
The third month I’ve been trying to find peace and comfort in my mind for me
and our children. He denies everything, and still has excuses for his
actions not taking responsibility. Still now my husband will not really talk
to me, and not just me, his family (including his mother, the closest to him
besides myself), and his best friend. He doesn’t come through to see the
children like he did before I found out about the affair. No one knows what
he’s going through except him.

How can I bounce back from this, I’ve been in love with this man since I was
18, that’s been 15 years? Three kids later, how can a man just walk away
from his family and his responsibility? Everyone tells me “this too shall
pass”, “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle”, and well at times I
don’t feel as though I can handle it. Three months later and I’m still not
sleeping fully through the night.

[waiting2xhale]

I feel your pain innishannon...

It seems as though the years did not mean anything. We just bought our home in Sept 07 and now I must sell because it hurts too much to live in it. I'm not even from this state but I have no other place to go, I've moved around with this man for the past 10 years and he can just leave at the drop of a dime, it so unfair. All the love letters from him on how I was his inspiration and motivation. This whole ordeal has broken me down and I'm trying to bounce back.

[innishannon]

Thanks for all of your support everyone, good to know that we are all there for each other.
Feeling a bit better this morning.
Staying with friends near a monastery and its beautiful weather. Trying hard not to think about H and OW.........
I need to let him go; a caged bird will attack but a free bird will soar......if he loves me in the future I only want him to be with me freely; not out of obligation.
Its hard sometimes to not let what is being said and done now to define what can happen in the future.
But is hope in my situation dangerous.
Trying to work on my own life now, and my daughters.
Also determined to remove myself emotionally

[innishannon]

feeling slightly stronger today
spoke with H for about 2 houyrs on the phone last night.
Initially discussion about access for our D but it then went into other things.
I kept it simple and uncomplicated
He is resolute and does not want to reconcile, only to proceed with separation.

He feels so wounded; I feel so disconnected
will write more later

[MrBond]

"He feels so wounded; "

Don't believe this. He's been treating you like dirt and only "feels wounded" because you've been standing up to him.

Don't fall for his lies and manipulation. As a man I can see how he's been pulling your strings from the beginning.

I'm really sorry you're in this situation, but I can see that it is extremely unhealthy for you and your daughter. Here's a man who just takes and gives what he wants irregardless of how it affects you and your young child.

Don't let his soothing words and superficial "fatherly" acts fool you. This is a man who is putting his needs above your own. He is placing the "blame" on you for his fooling around. Don't take it.

Stay strong.

[innishannon]

Dear Stuck,

Thank you so much for this.......I have to say its really valuable to get a mans perspective on this......sometimes I feel that i am losing that because so much of my advice is from female friends. I would love to hear more of what men think is actually going on here.
I have just woken up and am feeling remarkably calm for some reason; the first time since all of this happened.
I went to a church service last night with a friend and while I was out my H rang to speak to our D, spoke to MIL on the phone. No mention of me in any way.
I wonder how it is that he can find himself in a place where he can not ask? considering my health issues. Is it denial? Guilt? Confusion? A very stringent attempt at detachment? Or is it simply a case of this person demonstrating indifference?Can someone be indifferent after 10 yeas of having that person in their life?
Our conversation Sunday eve was hard in many ways. we` spoke about access this wek to D but it veered onto our relationship, the last 5 years of our marriage (Which he accuses me of having ruined by my selfish behaviour re study abroad and complete lack of parenting and care for the family until due to workaholism.....why is it that when a woman is only trying to further herself for the sake of her family and their future that it is deemed as selfish?), parenting of D (I have made it quite clear how I intend to proceed with the monumental changes that I have made in my life; not just by saying but by doing, of which he is highly skeptical but admits that there is change but that he is simply delighted for me and our D's sake only, that in his words I am finally becoming a proper parent."I am an excellent father and you have the makings of being a good mother") and the protection order (you have shamed me and put me in the same category as a criminal, this has only been done to injure me, the sole reason for you doing this is to injure me).

Not DB material in terms of talking. I really need this to stop. It is strange, we go from absolutely no talking on any level to these very long conversations. Then silence.

I want to Detach and GAL and I need to be more stringent with myself.

I am also very concerned as H is intending to move back in the house once my Mum has left; he has every right legally but morally? He has been living with his lover since the end of January but now intends to move back to the family home half of the week. Is this good for our d? It is catastrophic for me....My heart and mind and well being would find it very hard to think that when he leaves he he will be going to OW house. How do I leave this go. I want to open the cage door and let him fly......surely this is the only way for him to ever return of his own free will?

Would really value a response here? Thank you so much

[MrBond]

"I am an excellent father and you have the makings of being a good mother"

That is the most ridiculous statement I have ever read. Yes, committing adultery is a wonderful example of showing how good of a father you are. Emotionally abusing your W and not caring for her well-being are excellent ways to show your parenting skills and manhood. His father would be so proud.

Wake up! With that statement alone, you should have sent his egomaniacal butt packing. Your daughter deserves better.

"How do I leave this go. I want to open the cage door and let him fly......surely this is the only way for him to ever return of his own free will?"

He will return when he WANTS to return. It doesn't matter if you are sitting on a million dollar mansion. He will not come back unless he wants to. So take this opportunity to remain strong and get your confidence back.

You can't make him feel a certain way. He has to feel it.

I can guarantee that he will continue to pout and throw a tantrum. Think of him as a small child stomping his feet and holding his breath because he does not get what he wants.

If you have the means, I would suggest you moving out if he is determined to move back. If at the very least to protect your daughter. It is your HOME...not a brothel.

He is a grown-up, it's about time he acted like it.