I'm not really sure if I should be asking for so much advice when I'm not really giving any or posting on other people's threads, but I'm not really sure of what to do.
H was over at my house "watching" the kids. Apparently he was on the computer or texting the whole time and left at 4pm. I don't get home until 6:30 so the kids were on their own for a few hours. When I said something about it he was like, it's no different that when they get home from school.
I'm so sad and disappointed. I've been feeling so good about myself the past few days and have been feeling like I've been making really good steps with DB'ing, but now I'm not so sure.
I hate this stinking roller coaster. It seems like everything's getting worse. He's pulling away more, getting more involved with the EA, and pulling away from the kids. I think he's in a MLC and depressed. Lovely combination.
It's becoming so difficult for me to have a PMA and continue GAL when I feel so . . . like it's not doing anything. I know, I know I need to be patient. I'm a lot better when he's around as far as acting as if and putting my best foot forward.
I dont' know. I think I'm rambling a bit and probably not making much sense. I didn't even really ask a question. Thank goodness I have an IC appointment tomorrow. Sorry to bug you with the randomness.
I'm pretty new here and pretty new to this myself but I know exactly how you feel. I think things are getting better and then bam, something happens to make me think things are really getting worse. I know how hard it is to do when you have these things happen but the best thing is to just focus on yourself and let the crap roll off of you like water off a duck's back. Gotta keep up the PMA and GAL. So what have you been doing as far as GAL?
Well, I'm going back to school. I actually have an appointment with a counselor in the morning to select my classes for the summer.
I've been redecorating my house. I actually retiled the bathroom floor on my own.
I've been going out with friends when the kids are with H.
I'm going to finally learn how to knit.
I've been reconnecting with old friends.
I have been doing a lot of things to GAL and I've loved all of them. Like I said, I've been feeling really good about myself lately. I feel sad, but it's not the huge weight that it was a week ago. Sure I still cry, but it's not all I do anymore. It just sucks that it's so hard and feels like such a battle sometimes, you know?
Oh yeah, that I know. I've been reconnecting with friends and we have reinstated guys night where we go shoot pool or throw darts. Got back into the gym and have lost 21lbs so far and am starting to play competitive volleyball again. It's a lot of fun and I realize that I gave up a lot of what I enjoy and lost "myself" after our daughter was born and the W went back to school. No matter what I'm not going to lose that again. I'm pretty sure that is part of what led me to this point in my R. I don't want my old marriage back. I want a new marriage...a better one. I realize now that neither one of us was happy in our marriage and I know it could be better. She may not but I do. Sounds like you are doing great in your GAL. And I'm sure he notices. In my sitch it seems like initially it draws them in and then they pull away again probably because they don't trust it. What are your thoughts on that? Has he had any reactions good or bad?
Meli, We are all in the same boat here. You don't need to feel bad about needing advice or a virtual shoulder to cry on. We all need that at some point. When you are hurting and unsure, you need more advice and more help; that's just the nature of things. As you get more confident and have more experience with things that work, you can give back to the next cadre of new folks here. Pay it forward.
OK, let me give you a little help in a few areas. I promise, no 2x4s are warranted here!
First. It is a little easier for folks who don't know you and your history if you stick to posting in a single thread. That way you will have a single, contiguous thread with which to read through when you want to read back on your past advice. It is also is easier for other people to get caught up on your story if they don't have to jump around to a lot of different threads.
As far as what you are doing, from your description it sounds like you are doing everything right. Your H was clearly in the wrong to leave the kids at home alone, and you called him on that, which is a good thing. It is disappointing, sure, but that is his action and not anything that you did. You are doing just fine!
The roller-coaster sucks; no one here finds them as exciting as we did when we were kids, believe me, but you do have a choice. You can get off the roller coaster any time you want. It's not easy, but it is possible. You do that by detaching and worrying about what you can control. Focusing on you is the most important thing you can do.
It is frustrating, I know. We all expected in the beginning that a few days of DBing, and few token 180s, and week or two of acting "as if" and our beloveds would come flocking back to us. Unfortunately, as the days drag into weeks and the weeks into months, we get discouraged. We feel like what we are doing isn't working, because we aren't getting the results that we expect. But the truth is, if we are doing what we purport to be doing, then we are getting the results we are after! We are making ourselves feel better! We are improving our self-image, and our parenting abilities, and our social skills, and whatever it is we are working on.
Along the way, our Sps are watching us, trying to see if the changes that we are making are some subtle trick to try and win them back. They aren't foolish; if the changes aren't for you they will see it. They will get curious at first, then interested. Eventually they will want what they lost back. It is not something that happens quickly! It takes patience, patience, and even more patience! It can take years in some cases.
Take heart. This community is pulling for you! You aren't going through this alone. Keep doing what you are doing because you are doing the right things!
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
It is a battle. Not just for regaining the life you want, but in your own head. Those little whispers in the back of your mind, the what ifs. Hang in there and keep doing the work. 2 months ago my life was a hellish roller coaster, but for just over a month now things have gotten better day to day, week to week. I am amazed and didn't think it possible. The hardest thing for me was patience. I wish you that.
Last edited by mynewnormal; 04/07/0902:22 AM.
I can't be the guy I was. Why would I want to. I don't want to go back to the way things were. That's what got me here.
Patience? What is that? This is the biggest lesson of all for me. I am the least patient person I know. I want what I want when I want it, the end. I'm learning that it can't always be on my time table and I can't always make things happen the way that I want them to.
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In my sitch it seems like initially it draws them in and then they pull away again probably because they don't trust it. What are your thoughts on that? Has he had any reactions good or bad?
Initially when he saw what I've done around the house he thought it looked really good and made the house look better. Later on he told me it made him feel uncomfortable and like he didn't belong here.
The first time I went out he encouraged me to go and have fun. This past weekend I went out and at first he was like oooh, you have plans. That turned into you're supposed to be home miserable being said in a joking way. Then he became upset that I was going out and tried getting me to pick up the kids. When that didn't work he became angry and rude. Later he told me that I looked really hot and teased me about how many men I intimidated and how he would have been scared to talk to me if he had seen me out.
I have no clue if those are good or bad reactions, lol. I thanked him and played along with the good stuff and totally ignored the bad stuff. I think he started out in a positive way for both situations because he was glad that I was seemed to be moving on and it may have made him feel like I finally got that we're over. Then when he actually had time to think about it he became negative because he realized that I'm doing well without him and may not need him afterall. I don't think he was expecting me to be ok so soon after him leaving. His joke about me being miserable may have been based in some truth. I think that a lot of WAS have a need to feel wanted and important by the LBS even if it's just to feed their own ego. Plus, I think it's a safety net for them. It's like they're thinking, well if this doesn't work then at least he/she's waiting for me to come home. When we don't act like we're just sitting at home counting the minutes it throws them off.
I'm definitely doing a whole lot better than I was even a week ago. It's because I've finally been GAL and doing things for me and the kids without him as the focus. Little by little I'm not just acting as if, it's a true mindset. If he doesn't come home I will be ok. I may miss him, but I won't die like I initally thought when the bomb was dropped.
Hi there! Your GALing all sounds very good. I also find it good to have some exercise to help with PMA and stress also. Physical stuff can be good too for your PMA: haircut or new clothes or shoes or whatever makes you feel good. For some, church or volunteer activities can be really good for PMA too, helps you to focus on others rather than your H also!!! Karen
Thanks Karen. I've been paying more attention to what I wear and trying not to wear the "mom" clothes. My normal uniform was sneakers, a pair of jeans, a tshirt, and a sweatshirt. Not so enticing. I'm focusing more on looking good because it makes me feel good and has the added bonus of drawing his attention.
Ah, looking nice is always a good thing. And let me tell you, from a guys point of view we notice. I've been doing the same too and I know she notices and comments on it. I agree with you about the initial encouragement and then pulling away. The same thing happened to me. I think they see you GAL and think, great...they will move on and then I can too. Then once they think about it they start to wonder...why can you move on without them. What happens if I want to come back? Etc... Then they start with the negativity toward what you are doing. If you get a chance to read my sitch I would love a woman's point of view on how to take things.
