Rob - I have learned a lot from you and my struggles on my own thread. I am connected to beno and Making_It as my sitch is all too similar.
My question to you... Are you saying to confront the EA (who knows PA) head on with her? From things I have read here/book seems like doing that I need to be prepared for a death sentence. Am I still not getting it? I know her too well and know if I do that now it will be over.
I have been detaching and am getting how to do that and not give up (thanks PearlHarbr). This is about my dignity. I have to walk in my shoes. Me and Me alone! No empathy needed.
Hoping not to hijack either, but that this helps all of us.
I'll fill more in later on this but here is something to start you off with: Your marriage is never going to be guaranteed, I can't guarantee, Michelle Weiner-Davis can't guarantee it, no one can and praying to God won't make it come back to life either, this is in your hands.
But I'm pretty sure it will end if you keep pretending that nothing is wrong and continue to grovel for your wife's affection. I don't know how that will fix anything, do you?
Women have no respect for men who are afraid of them, and women are can be quite cruel to men who are.
hi guys and thanks for posting, no your not hijacking my thread keep posting its good to read them all, our situations are similar, rob has sound advice and a man with wisdom, he has our best interests at heart, thanks rob my wife called tonight something about my step son, she ranted and raved down the phone i just listened, beacuse i didnt show much response to her she said o i have to go, i said me to bye, she would of hated that,
my sister asked me something tonight that made me think it actually blew me away a little, she said whats it like now at home? bet your shattered doing all the chores and shopping and stuff, and working also, i said yea i am, then something clicked, i said hang on im actually doing all the stuff i did while my wife was still around, only difference is she aint here. so what im trying to say is nothing has changed for me except my wife has left, so i was a doormat before she left, dont get me wrong i did like taking care of her. looking back i think i did to much for her i looked weak in her eyes, o yea she thank me for what i do and did and tell people how wonderful i was, not saying men shouldn't do anything, its nice to be nice but maybe i did to much?
things are slowly coming together for me its like a jigsaw, piece by piece. we had always planned to foster children, my wife was excited at the thought of it. about 6 to 7 weeks ago we was leaving the house and my daughter said mum when are we going to foster? i heard my wife say were not. i was half listening and didnt look to much into it, was this a sign she was thinking of leaving?
i also remember i was talking one night probably around the same time 6 to 7 wks ago about work and which way i should go with it, i was unsure beacuse of the market crash, so i said i was at a crossroads with it. she replied i am, i said what do you mean and she said o nothing.... i left it at that, another sign?
i found something out tonight also, her sister came to my home like she normally does, we was chatting and she was on about my wife and she hates whats she is doing and fully supportive of me, and she mentioned her mum saying she thinks its a MLC, she then said during the first few weeks of our split, she remembers my wife locking herself in the bedroom all day and all night, she knocked and asked could she come in and my wife replied NO. her son also knocked to ask something and she ignored him, over 24 hrs she was locked in there, her sister thought nothing of it but is that normal behaviour?, i think not. i have also noticed she is telling everyone that it wasnt working and i would end up hating her if she stayed, i think she is looking for reassurance from them, to confirm she has done the right thing, but nobody is agreeing, they all think she has lost the plot, they dont say it to her but the dont agree either, well the people that know us anyway,
i remember one night in bed when she said, you need to get a grip of me and make me have sex, like be rough and just do it, i laughed and did just that, looking back now i see that as a hormonal change she was at her peek and needed more, like i said its a jigsaw and its all clicking into place,
her bodily functions are all over the place. thank guys, and thank you rob i will have more to tell tomorrow everything keeps coming back to me
sex starved animal the botox the fillers in her lips to make them fuller the partying the death of a parent the indecions in her job quiting her job i want to be on my own i want a fresh start dying her hair etc etc i could go on and on, these are sure signs of mlc, take a look at this quote i found
Another external factor can be a bereavement, such as the death of a parent - or other significant loss or change, such as redundancy or divorce. These things can cause significant grief which can be difficult enough to come to terms with on their own. But if they are compounded by the natural process of 'mid-life transition' this can make the whole process of adjustment bewildering and overwhelming.
However, even in the absence of difficult external circumstances, there is still an internal process of change that takes place during midlife. If you don't understand that process it can feel like a 'crisis' and as you attempt to come to terms with it, you may find yourself making poor or irrational decisions that you regret at a later date - eg: leaving your job or spouse and throwing away the security that you have built up in the first part of your adult life.
my wife called tonight something about my step son, she ranted and raved down the phone i just listened, beacuse i didnt show much response to her she said o i have to go, i said me to bye, she would of hated that
Good job, keep it short, simple, don't hang on her every word and when you can, you should end the conversation, that's the only difference I would have made here. While she was ranting, I would have told her that you were busy and if necessary SHE could call you and talk later. (remember we're not initiating phone calls or texts or emails unless absolutely necessary and never about anything personal)
Remember, we're not trying to be pricks or mean or evil, if we do that, we lower ourselves to the same level and there is no point in that. When your self esteem is low, you are low already, we're trying to elevate ourselves to upright, self-respecting status again.
...my sister asked me something tonight that made me think it actually blew me away a little, she said whats it like now at home? bet your shattered doing all the chores and shopping and stuff, and working also, i said yea i am, then something clicked, i said hang on im actually doing all the stuff i did while my wife was still around, only difference is she aint here. so what im trying to say is nothing has changed for me except my wife has left, so i was a doormat before she left, dont get me wrong i did like taking care of her. looking back i think i did to much for her i looked weak in her eyes, o yea she thank me for what i do and did and tell people how wonderful i was, not saying men shouldn't do anything, its nice to be nice but maybe i did to much?"
Remember this point, you are allowed to do anything you want, you are a MAN and an ADULT. Being a responsible adult and helping at home isn't a bad thing. However if you are working full time and then coming home and putting in another full-time shift, you should also expect your spouse to do the same: not more or less. If your spouse is working full-time but comes home and waits for you to do the house work you are communicating indirectly (or possibly directly) that it's ok for that behavior to exist in your relationship. As a man you don't have to be forceful with your spouse and men don't need slaves. Spouses are PARTNERS not slaves so we expect spouses to share in the workload, that's why it's a partnership, we share the responsibilities. Is it going to be 50/50 everytime? No probably not and you would be seriously anal if you could chart the house work down to the last percent to make sure you guys were equal in that respect. But if you're coming home and you're expected to do the lion's share of the housework as well and it's an expectation, why have you allowed that expectation to exist? Here's an example of good communication, sharing responsibilities, etc. If I cook dinner can I expect you to clean up & wash the dishes afterwards? If I vacuum the living room & bedrooms can you clean the bathroom? If I mow the lawn can you get me a drink because it's hot outside and I'll be thirsty afterwards?
Or you could do it your way: if I do all the housework, take care of the kids and work full-time will you love me? Because if you don't love me and I work very hard in & out of the home, I will be resentful, I'll feel like a victim, etc.
...things are slowly coming together for me its like a jigsaw, piece by piece. we had always planned to foster children, my wife was excited at the thought of it. about 6 to 7 weeks ago we was leaving the house and my daughter said mum when are we going to foster? i heard my wife say were not. i was half listening and didnt look to much into it, was this a sign she was thinking of leaving?
i also remember i was talking one night probably around the same time 6 to 7 wks ago about work and which way i should go with it, i was unsure beacuse of the market crash, so i said i was at a crossroads with it. she replied i am, i said what do you mean and she said o nothing.... i left it at that, another sign?
Yes I would say those are all signs.
At first you BOTH were planning to foster children and then SHE makes the decision that you won't be fostering children. That is a sign of someone who is preparing to make alot of decisions without their partner.
Her mentioning that she was at a "crossroad" in her own personal decision is obviously another sign. I wonder though, if someone starts thinking out loud in this process, how many other signs did you miss along the way much earlier on this year and last year - these things usually build up after a long time. Don't fault yourself for not noticing, like most men, we're not mind readers although apparently our spouses wish we were. You see women have that portion of the brain much more developed for evaluating emotional responses, feelings & body language. Men are at a disadvantage in that respect. When women wish we could read their minds, it's only because they feel that things are apparent and they are too a specific extent to them, we aren't developed to look for those subtle cues, only after a process like this will you be much more aware because this is a new situation and our bodies are essentials engines of adaptation, you are constantly trying to do things to adapt to the new situation, your brain is learning, forming new neural pathways and if you are constantly being rejected and pushed away, your brain based on the limited info it has on this situation, is struggling to determine the best course of action based on the information available in your brain.
...i found something out tonight also, her sister came to my home like she normally does, we was chatting and she was on about my wife and she hates whats she is doing and fully supportive of me, and she mentioned her mum saying she thinks its a MLC, she then said during the first few weeks of our split, she remembers my wife locking herself in the bedroom all day and all night, she knocked and asked could she come in and my wife replied NO. her son also knocked to ask something and she ignored him, over 24 hrs she was locked in there, her sister thought nothing of it but is that normal behaviour?, i think not. i have also noticed she is telling everyone that it wasnt working and i would end up hating her if she stayed, i think she is looking for reassurance from them, to confirm she has done the right thing, but nobody is agreeing, they all think she has lost the plot, they dont say it to her but the dont agree either, well the people that know us anyway,
i remember one night in bed when she said, you need to get a grip of me and make me have sex, like be rough and just do it, i laughed and did just that, looking back now i see that as a hormonal change she was at her peek and needed more, like i said its a jigsaw and its all clicking into place,
her bodily functions are all over the place. thank guys, and thank you rob i will have more to tell tomorrow everything keeps coming back to me
Nobody wants to believe or can believe that a MLC (mid life crisis) can happen to a woman in her 30s but it can. That plus the changes in her body, it really is a huge change and a struggle for women going through this to cope with these feelings, needs, urges, desire, ideas and thoughts that are going through their minds. It's all very new & alien.
Her speaking to friends & family saying that her leaving is for the best is her trying to cope with her guilt, she doesn't understand why she is feeling this way and she is trying to get some reassurance to help her deal with these feelings. She is in a tough place now, I know it's easy to be angry with her but from her point of view, she may feel like she's has been thrust into a new world and she is trying to cope with these feelings, feelings like she must not love you if she wants to be with other men and that is alot of guilt to deal with.
Locking herself in her room and not wanting to see anyone isn't uncommon, if I remember correctly, I experienced that with my own wife as well, including not wanting to see the kids.
As for the sex and her wanting it a specific way, think about it, the changes in her body, the new strange sexual urges to possibly be with other men coupled with an increased sex drive, she is in her sexual prime. I'm not surprised by her needing rough sex, she needs something new, exciting, a new feeling, she doesn't want the same sex, she has been with the same guy and is getting the same sex, she wants new, exciting, different sex and if she can't get it from you, she wants it from someone else and possibly multiple partners. And again, I experienced the same thing but only into the separation when I stopped taking my wife's abusive behavior and I started standing up for myself. Yes my wife all of a sudden wanted very rough sex, she wanted a good pounding from behind (doggy style for those trying to decipher that) and she wanted it really hard, she also wanted her hair to be pulled, she wanted to talk very dirty and to be called names and she wanted very long sessions. No we aren't anywhere near reconciled and like I've said before I can't guarantee that we will be but I do know that I have experienced the best sex of my life during this period of time and it's quite possible that your wife is looking for the same thing right now.
all so true rob... your probably right about pther signs to maybe there was some 6 months a year ago??? maybe she was reaching out for help from me and i didnt notice, doh. its wierd how we sit back and can see things when they leave but not when there here, ive done an awful lot of thinking like im sure everone does and i see clearly now, i will learn how to deal with this situation, i will crash sometimes, but i know i will give it my all,
one thing thats confusing me is if it is a MLC? do i sttill deal with it the same. ie: darkness, be mysterious, etc etc all the things you have said to do? or do i tread a little bit more careful? there is one more thing. i planned a trip day out with my kids and my wifes sister and her hubby and child, i did not include my wife in this and didnt tell her, she found out yesterday about this and when i spoke to her she brought up the subject saying, " nobody told me your plans, first i heard was in a conversation with my mum " it sounded like she was a bit angry at the thought of us all enjoying a day out without her, i could be wrong but i felt it.
another thing she did she went over in detail her last weekend whereabouts. what she did, were she went, who she was with,time she was home. not boasting about it, i think she was trying to tell me please dont think im out loving every minute of it, it was ok but bit boring to, and telling me she was home early so i wasnt with any guy, it was like she was telling me you dont need to worry about me, im just having some fun and im not interested in other people, it was wierd not sure if ive read it wrong? maybe i have but there was definitley something in her voice,
