The midlife crisis coupled with her being 35 and having a new hormonal makeup take over her body is making her think and do things that she doesn't know how to respond to. Heck, hormonal changes in your own body are making you act & take on more of what would be called a "wife/mother" role with your children.
Believe it or not, she is in her sexual prime and asking for a break from you and moving out and in the process of being cold and possibly angry to you means to me that she is in the process of having an affair or she is contemplating starting one.
You can tell me I'm totally wrong on this but I've read too much literature on this stuff for the past 18 months during my own separation and saw it happen in my own relationship with these same signs. There are things you can do right now but the longer you take, the longer and more pain this is going to cause all of you.
And before any of you say that it's different and we had a happy marriage, blah, blah, blah,... this site exists because these problems exist and on one wants to admit this stuff can happen but in the end it does.
Honesty is the first step, acknowledging this is happening and this problem is real.
She is feeling a tremendous amount of guilt right now but is still torn about a decision on whether or not to stay married or to enjoy a single life which may include relationships with other men. On top of feeling tremendous guilt which may include crying, not being to function/work, get out of bed and do the things she normally used to do, I'm sure her behavior from time to time may involve looking at you and being angry, cold, distant and appearing somewhat more aggressive & defensive.
Nothing may have happened yet, that may be a possibility and it may be that she is torn between starting something new with someone else or staying with you. Her image of life has been destroyed by her midlife crisis, coupled with the fact that she may be hanging out with "new" girl friends who introduce her to "new" people which may involve drinking, partying, dancing, flirting and experience things that she may not be able to experience if she remains married to you now that she has experienced the death of a parent and is seeing that life is finite, she knows what it means to be mortal, that we don't live forever and if that's the case, she may be thinking that her life up to this point has not satisfied every thing she has ever wanted.
Yes you have a great marriage or had one. You had everything: the kids, the home, the cars, some money and now that everything has been achieved and there are no challenges left for her, what is left? Faced with the spectre of a boring life, she may be in search of something new & exciting. Don't take it personally though, she is in search of an elusive "new" feeling, she isn't looking for someone new, just the feeling that comes with something new.
There is so much more that I can talk about on this specific issue, if you're interested and want to know more, let me know. Sometimes people don't want to hear the truth because it hurts but it's also the thing that may save you from more pain down the road.
Either way Good Luck Beno.
p.s. from the stuff I've been reading, space is not the answer, in fact giving her space will just be making this problem worse.
thank you robx.. ive taken everything on board and your absolutley right on everything your saying, not sure about the affair beacuse she is adamant there is noone else but they all say that, however i do beleive her, i do reckon the temptation is there somewhere beacuse the nights out and stuff, so she will be flirting with the guys and has probably even got to know a few, you say there are things i can do? i would love to know. and yes the more information i can get the better, yes the truth hurts but a least i can try and deal with it. look forward to hearing from you robx, thanks again
would like to add a few more things, im not sure if this is a mlc or not, some people say it could be others say its not. i forgot to mention my wife did say to me 2 days after she left that she may regret this decision to leave and was very upset when saying it, did i also mention she said i dont want to divorce you?? friends have also told me that she speaks highly of me and said i am a wonderful person, her friend also told me she told her that i gave her the best sexual experiances of her life, last weekend she was out with friends and went home early, she said she was to old for all this partying, andshe did go home beacuse her mother told me, and my friend said she was on facebook, she has asked for help in paying for a rented accomodation, do i help or not? she also asked to help buy furniture, do i help or not? i feel i should. its our anniversary on april 25th, she spoke about the concern of this and it will be difficult to deal with, i echoed that. now im thinking shall i ask her out for a bite to eat and a few beers? my thoughts are like "instead of us both being misrable sat at home shall we go out, not a celebration but just to be there for each other and have a good time" should i ask??? we are very plesant to each other all the time we dont argue about stuff when we chat or text, there is a family funeral in a week and i asked would we going together or seperate and she said together beacuse youe my FRIEND. what does that mean, FRIEND? now she has been questioning my daughter on my whereabouts and when and what time i go to the gym. i joined up 2 weeks ago, sometimes when she text me she will leave a kiss, and sometimes not, am i reading into it to much? so do i just keep taking care of me and the kids and only respond to her text, and only phone or text her regarding the kids, can i be nice to her or do i go cold on her, still so much to tell you guys and ask advice but to much at the moment to try and piece it all together, thanks guys look forward to your responses.
beno - So sorry to hear about your troubles. I'm reading your story and it sounds so much like my own: three weeks ago, my wife 32 walks away after five and half years of happy marriage, one and half years after a devastating trauma (late miscarriage). Last few months, starts hanging out more and more with younger friends and drinking more, and then the same story about needing space. Then, out the door.
Just like you, I pursued with emails and phone calls, and she tells me to stop. She also tells me that if I forced her to decide today, she would say no to our marriage, but that she thinks she may be making a terrible mistake and doesn't want to make any decisions without more time and space.
In my case, what robx says has more than a bit of truth. It turns out there is another man involved. There hasn't been any relationship there, but she says she's attracted to him but doesn't know why. He's in many ways the opposite of me (and her, even), and she thinks it's more a symptom of something else.
For me (much of this from my IC), there's a difference of how my W and I generally deal with major events. I am very oriented towards trying to solve and fix problems (sounds like you are, too, with the way you take care of wife, kids, business, home) whereas she focuses more on processing the emotional content on her own schedule. Big trauma comes (death in the family), on the outside, everyone deals with it as we would expect, but inside, a split starts to happen. For me, I ended up pushing too much on trying again with a child, trying to be happy; maybe not overtly, certainly not obviously or forcefully, but just as my way of dealing with the situation which may not have jived with her schedule. Maybe there's something for you to think about there?? Remember, it's the things that are not obvious to you that may turn out to be the triggers.
In another general note that may apply for you, I've been thinking that I've spent so much of my time during our marriage really worrying about her and trying to take care of her (maybe even when she didn't need it). In my mind, of course, I would think someone would appreciate this. The reality is that this can turn out to be suffocating to her even when it's so obviously a positive thing in my mind. Again, I read your story and see how hard you are working to take care of things and manage the situation in the family and the home and the business ... can it be that you are in a similar spot?
Anyway, hang in there. I am working on the premise (a) she needs space and I will give that to her, and (b) that I need to find new ways to fill up my time both so that I don't go crazy, and also so that if/when this resolves, I won't fall back into the trap of being the inadvertently suffocating husband. Can't tell you if they work, because I'm working on it right now.
The last thing I would add is to propose that you both see therapists. I've always been the type to poo-poo that kind of thing, but really, it's been the most helpful thing I've done for myself. Should have done it years ago.
Just want to say hello and that folks here have great advice. I will watch your thread among others to see where I can find help myself. My sitch is all to similar to your. I cannot add to what others have shared with you as I am searching for answers myself. Nevertheless, take care and I will be watching closely.
MTB
Me - 35 W - 32 (EA with OM) M - 13 1/2 D - 11 S - 9 ILYBNILWY - January 2009 Status - Limbo
thanks guys again... like i said my wife could be attracted by other men or a man but i believe nothing has happened, the temptation obviously will be there while she is out partying, she did say to me last week that if i do end up meeting someone that im not to take anyone back to HER home, how could she even think im interested in anybody else, i want to fight for this marriage and i know its going to be a long hard slog, but i will put my all into it and i wont give up beacuse i truly believe were are meant to be together forever, i know she has feelings for me but she is very very confused, without your help i wont make it, thank you all
the more I read about what's happening to you guys, the more it makes my stomach sick, I'm not angry at you guys but to be honest I am a little angry with your wives (or how about spouses who choose to have affairs when they are in committed relationships/marriages)
Your wives have gotten used to the idea that ending their marriages & getting divorces is their decision to make - they have this idea because you have given them this power indirectly, you continuously tell them through body language and indirect discussion that it's ok for you to be doing what you're doing to me.
Your wives are using you as anchors while they're out looking to build new new relationships. By accepting this behavior from them, you are creating inflated,false sense of power in them.
Your wives may even react to you sometimes in an almost arrogant way (ie. if you meet someone else, you can't bring them to the home, interesting that someone thinks they can dictate policy on your actions while they are moving out and looking to get some lovin' from another man).
They are using your devotion as a good husband as a means to attract someone new, they probably talk to new guys and tell them how heartbroken you guys probably are, and this makes them more more attractive to their lovers/possible future lovers. Your grief over your wive leaving you/separating from you is an an advertisement that they are using to attract someone else.
If your wives were to feel threatened and suspect that you guys started to do the same thing (look for another woman), if they believed that you started to move on, they would probably reach out to you emotionally & sexually and appear very jealous, and try to re-claim you with their actions ("I still love you, do you still love me, let's have sex" & reconnect, etc.) and in most cases it would work, you would be fooled into thinking they were genuine and you would feel encouraged to think that they wanted to come back again.
Remember, men don't typically know that their wives were having affairs or maybe don't believe that their wives could ever do something like that (ie. we had such a loving & happy marriage).
Alot of women will wait to see if their affair will turn into a permanent relationship or wait while they are looking for a new relationship before ever considering an actual real divorce. Some women will play around for a while, because their affairs wouldn’t be as exciting if they weren’t married, and they don't want to let go of their security blanket (marriage to you)for what could turn out to be a fantasy. You see the deal is that they are chasing a feeling, not a person, something new & exciting, a feeling that has been missing for a very long time in their lives.
And they know because their husbands are utterly devoted to them, that they can take as long as they want to during this process and that's whats happening to you guys, it's what's happened to alot of us and only a few of us are starting to wake up and realize this.
Regardless if you want to believe it or not, separation is like cancer and is definitely a prelude to divorce. You either nip it in the bud right now or expect to have this last for several months to several years all at your emotional expense - how much are you hurting now after a few months, how about after several months of hoping & pining for her, how about after a year with still hopes of her coming to her senses and still no decision, no movements in a positive direction from her.
All because you have let go of any power you have, you have allowed this to be her decision and not yours and she will do whatever she wants to do now because you are letting her.
I hate saying it like that because I know personally how much it hurts.
Right now you are doing what you think you should do to save your marriages and you are suffering because of it.
Time to take a look from outside the situation and instead of doing what you think you should do (which is giving you spectacularly positive results right now, am I right? ....)
Time to start doing the opposite.
I'm not telling you to be mean, in fact, quite the opposite, I'm telling you to act from a position of strength and set boundaries for how people and in this case your wives are allowed to treat you.
Anyone want to hear more? I don't want to continue posting if none of this is welcome or wanted, I know how painful it is to hear the truth but I also don't want to force you to hear anything either, you're being forced into this situation as it is, I don't want to be another pressure in your life.
In the end, ultimately the decision will be yours, just remember, nothing can guarantee that your wife will come back to you, nothing at all. Do what I say, do what someone else says, nothing is guaranteed.
All I know is based on 18+ months of personal research into a topic that I never wanted to know anything about and now believe that every man & woman should be equipped with this knowledge.
