HELP! Is ML to try to reconnect a mistake?

[MrBond]

TH,

Starting off fresh. How are you today?

[trampledheart]

TH,
After reading about your night, I admit, that what I took away was a planned ambush of your H.

---------------------------------------------------------------

If you listen to me, I will never tell you not to stand up for yourself. But I sure as sure will tell you when I think you screwed up...and others too.

Thanks Jack, I hope now you understand that it was NOT a planned ambush. My husband knows that I'm not one to do the "mean-girl" thing that many people (women and men), partake in. In that regard, even my husband has said that I'm not like most women he knows (10-25 yrs ago, H held positions where 30+ women reported to him). But that experience had some negatives effects (besides the infidelites) such as assimilating some of their interest and traits such as following celebrity gossip, making alliances with groups/cliques at his work, and general "mean-girl fun". That's why he's always said I was not your typical woman (based on his experience) and that I was more like a man since I didn't do any of those things.

And now, while H works with many younger men/women in their 20's and 30's (average age in high-tech software biz) he's found there are a lot of guys that are like this too. I guess you could say they're the generation that watched "Survivor" and "Apprentice". He enjoys those Reality TV shows where the appeal is to see who can win by making alliances and stabbing others in the back. So, he fits right in with them. He "Twitters" with his new young co-workers/friends as well as celebs, and enjoys the gossip.

So, yes, I would like to get advice from you (and other DBers) so that I can prevent any screw ups. And if I do screw up, feel free to give me 2x4's! Also I want to thank you for your advice to look to the DBer's experience so I can understand where their advice is coming from.

I do hope you understand that I'm not one to try and 'screw' anyone - and definitely NOT EVER for "fun" or "revenge", as it's just not me. (That would be more in-line with my H's way of thinking actually.)

I'm more old-school and John Wayne-like. I value integrity, honesty, justice and fairness. I'm the type of person that if I thought someone wronged me or should be put in their place, I'd call them out on it (which is not always a good thing) - I'm NOT one to talk behind their back or plan a way to get back at them. In other words, if I were a man, I'd "duke it out." LOL!

Trampledheart

[trampledheart]

I am going to file for D next week. But for me, the way to handle this is to remember that I have to protect my own dignity.

Lola, I'm so sorry that you've gotten to that point. How about just filing for Legal Separation? It's just like a Divorce except you just can't get married, and many people choose this route for medical insurance and religious reasons. I will read up on your situation, but in a nutshell, what has your H done that you feel you need to divorce in order to protect your own dignity?

TH I am not sure what kind of advice you got here, and for that I am sorry. You should never involve your children. That is what the MLC'er does.

Apologize. I think that is the best thing.

I've talked to my daughter yesterday and apologized to her if she felt in any way that I had put her in the middle. She didn't feel that I did but appreciated my concern and apology. She's been wanting me to file for awhile now. She doesn't see him in the same light, after he went MLC-crazy.

Take care and thank you for touching base with me...

Trampledheart

[LolaL]

Not hijacking...

Just to recap, my brother passed away two weeks ago. H showed absolutely no sympathy, even when I asked if I could just have a few moments of his time. That is really what did it for me...Texas does not have a legal separation, and since I am in the process of returning to Virginia, that doesn't seem to make sense either. I have sent an email to H, letting him know I love him, and that I needed to say goodbye for me. I have still had no response.

It is different for everyone when you get to that last step. For me, I feel better about this aspect of my life than I have for a very long time. But it is important to make sure that you hit that point for you, and you alone. If there was still a question in my mind, I would not be filing. For me, it is just done. There is no feeling left for me from H, and it is time for me to move on.

I am glad you apologized to your daughter, because down the line that is what she will remember. I realize this was not a set up, and that it was a painful decision for you to make. But my recommendation is to try to keep the kids out of it as much as possible.

(((Hugs...)))

[brandnewday]

Hi there TH,

Just wanted to stop by and say hello and see how you were feeling today.

[trampledheart]

Just to recap, my brother passed away two weeks ago. H showed absolutely no sympathy, even when I asked if I could just have a few moments of his time...

...that doesn't seem to make sense either. I have sent an email to H, letting him know I love him, and that I needed to say goodbye for me. I have still had no response.

Lola, I had gone through something like this with my H as well - actually, several times. Though not as serious as a death in the family, each incident showed my H's lack of sympathy, and most people would have been done with him after only one such incident. I endured way too many, in my family and friend's opinion... I'll tell you about some:

This incident may have been the trigger for H's MLC... Just when my D21 was going through some major problems, H couldn't and wouldn't deal with it and just wiped his hands of her and said he didn't have a daughter. He subsequently left us, and I helped her through it by myself. She's fine now, but it was a very difficult time for me.

This incident was soon after his departure 2 yrs ago. I was driving to my sister's home, and suddenly my heart starting beating fast, I couldn't seem to get any air, and I became dizzy. I thought I was having a heart attack. I went to Emergency Hospital. While I was in the there being checked-out, D21 called H to tell him what happened and to come. He refused.

Another time: I was again in Emergency because our dog accidentally (& instinctively) bit me on above my eye (I went to kiss her from behind and I didn't know she was chewing a bone). D21 took me to Emergency and H did not come then either.

And another: My niece (29 yrs old) that H has known since she was 1 yr old, was getting married and wanted her favorite uncle, my H, to come to the wedding. She felt strongly about it enough to want to call him personally. He did not come or even send a card or gift.

He's disregarded Birthdays and Holidays for even our D21... And there's been so much more such strange behavior from him, the list is quite long.

I have been astounded and appalled with the strange person he's become. I've wanted to throw in the towel so many times! I don't know what's kept me around, could it really be love or is that I just can't believe this is the same man. It was as if a demon had possessed him! I just have to know why and how this could've happened - who is this man? Where's the other guy that was always there for his family?

I know from anyone else's perspective, I must seem like a weak fool. In my H's mind, we are already divorced. In mine, it feels more and more that we are too. I just want to turn that tide and hope he comes to his senses.

Trampledheart

[trampledheart]

Stuck808 and BND,

I am fine today as I had so much to do! I had a physical in the morning. Then I had a dental appointment. And then I had my first session with the Counselor. Whew! It was a busy day!

I also received an email from H this morning just about business: he asked me to re-send our car insurance quotes.

As I ran in and out of the house, I tried to check the DB boards and post. I hope to hear back from you two and everyone soon.

Thank you so much for all your support and advice. I really want need to know what you all think... Am I crazy to keep trying? If not, please help me to save my marriage.

Thank you all,
Trampledheart

[trampledheart]

By the way, after the Physical, my doctor's evaluation was that I'm in great health. He said if I could just get passed this problem with my marriage, I should be fine. He said maybe I could just try Therapy first and that there's always the Lexapro he had prescribed if I wanted...

Best,
Trampledheart

[trampledheart]

Kimmie,

Last night I was on the link that you sent me and I read many if not most of the posts.

I do know that men will sometimes jump back in if they suspect losing their woman. In fact, when my H and I were boyfriend/girlfriend (5 yrs) we had a break-up at one point just before getting married because of him cheating on me. When he saw that his friend was interested in me, he tried to win me back. And obviously, he did win me back...

Trampledheart

[Kimmie Lee]

Hi th! Glad you're in great health.

And glad I could find that thread. I read through it again too.