Hello everyone! My last entry locked, so you can find it here: RTL, Part XII
Ok, what is the latest news? Not much to offer. I think the sock knocking off girl isn't interested. It seems as if I may have contacted her too much w/my interest and thus been taken as too "needy" or "clingy." Unfortunate? Yes. Mostly for her, but I did learn a lesson which will only benefit me in the long run.
Concerning XW: She told me the Disneyland plans weren't finalized and was indeed checking w/me prior to purchasing, but we all know she made the plans w/the expectation of my saying yes.
She tried to spin it on me by saying "for the record, D missed a day of school when your mother was in town." True, but I did call her by saying "Yes, but I made sure to get the ok from you before I discussed D's staying home w/either my mother or w/D." Point served and received. She needs to know she's not in control when it comes to our D.
XW also switched a date of my time w/D, sent out a calendar w/the switch, then asked if it was ok. Again, hoping to put me in a corner and force me to say no.
What did I do? I delayed my response, told her I'd think about it, then came back w/a question as to why she wanted the switch. Her reason: it was graduation night at the community college and she was required to attend.
Justice would have told me to snap off a retort telling her "that's your problem" similar to her handling of my situation, but I took the higher road and refrained. Instead, I told her that we'll probably have sitautions like this come up from time to time that are unavoidable and I understand how this is a manditory issue for her concerning work so I could be flexible for her.
I took the high road and will continue to do so w/my interactions w/her. However, I will stand my ground w/her and let her know when she's infringing on my boundaries.
Ok, now I'll try and reply to the posts on my last thread before it locked:
Gypsy - Dating is a ton of trial and error. It is unfortunate, but it is. I really liked this last girl and I wish I would have learned about "the rules" w/someone I was less fancy of, but there will be other sock-knockers out there, so I've learned how to stay cool when that situation presents itself. Again, lesson learned - trial and error.
lwb - I couldn't keep the ring b/c of how it was purchased by XW to renew our vows and then she hit me w/D papers a little over a month later. It has ZERO positive value to me so it had to go. On a positive front, I did hear from the jeweler today who said they have a positive lead who is coming back by on Tuesday w/his significant other to look at it. Thus, I may get a sale that is over the bare-boned $550 I was offered before. If that happens, the extra money would come in handy and another chapter would close in my life w/XW -- only the pensions would remain.
I also agree w/your comment that our spouses were the ones who changed and not us...or they lacked the skills, ability, or desire to change and grow.
On this note, I had a discussion w/D on Thursday concerning her mentioning that XW told her the only reason we're divorced is b/c I yelled at XW. I told D that in relationships people raise their voices and yell. I told D that mommy yelled at me too and we didn't yell all the time. I finished by telling D that people yelling at each other is not a reason to get a D as it is something both sides can work through. Instead, we were no longer married for many, many other reasons and to blame our D on yelling at each other was unfair.
I didn't throw XW under the bus, but also made sure she didn't give D a reason to blame me. When D is older, she'll understand much better, but for now, I wanted her to understand that my yelling wasn't why we're no longer married.
Ali - Hello Princess!
I understand your points as being keen and excited doesn't mean needy. However, I still think that I give too much of myself too soon and sometimes people don't want to invest the time to find out for sure, but would rather check off a list and move forward quickly on.
A lot of women I meet are saying they want someone who is "honest" but I don't think they want the life story up front and all at once. Thus, I'll be honest, but I'll be more patient before I open up too much.
It seems as if the woman wants the attraction at first w/the "unknown" and wants the "honesty" stuff once a relationship has been started. So, I'll need to be more patient - I do tend to be rather impatient, which can be interpreted in a negative way.
In fact, patience was one of the lessons I figured out I needed to learn as I was questioning why I was supposed to go through the pain of a D.
I think the latest w/this woman has been to remind me that it is ok to slow down and wait. Again, lesson learned. Trial and error. Fix what is broken. Leave what works alone.
A sensitive man that is ABLE to express his feelings is a keeper. Just maybe not during the first date. Because it can feel overwhelming. Just remember to be true to yourself. And after that commercial, maybe you should consider moving to Canada xxx K
I agree that it is good, but the problem w/my last date was she asked questions, so I gave her answers. In hindsight, I didn't have to be as detailed as I was in order to keep some of the mystery and intrigue alive longer.
Hey Rob... well, maybe your intensity scared her off.. but with 5 planets in Scorpio, intense is your middle name! You just need to meet a woman who isnt scared to plumb the depths and scale the heights with you. Oh.. and face for radio??? Are you kidding me!?? You are a HUNK !!!!
Al x
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I'm pretty sure you are correct as I am straight-forward and don't hold much back. I guess that definitely is the scorpio in me.
I agree that I'll need to find someone that can handle my personality as I'm not going to be able to do much to change it. However, I do think that I'll need to be more aware and tone it down at first.
Also, thank you for your kind words and compliments. Now if I can only get the ladies in my area to think the same thing, then I'd be in business.
PLEASE hold the "I told you not to reply to her" b/c I know I shouldn't have. However, I did learn more from this interaction and a little light did seem to pop on in my head.
Ok, XW sent me an e-mail saying I was putting D in danger b/c I allowed her to take the dog outside of the apartment w/out me. XW went into her normal tirade of saying how irresponsible I was, how I was putting D in danger from molesters and kidnappers, how if another dog came around it may attack D, and how walking the dog was my responsibility and not hers.
She finshed her e-mail by saying "This needs to NEVER occur again. It is dangerous and unacceptable."
Her points were valid and I agree w/her concerns for D's safety. However, I didn't appreciate her tone, so I told her as much. I also spelled out that while D has taken the dog outside, she's only been out there w/out me for mere minutes while I was going to the bathroom or cleaning up the mess the dog made while he was at home all day. I've never allowed her to be out of sight of the apartment door so she's never really been in danger.
I mentioned how I didn't appreciate her tone and asked if she could contact me to get the story straight before she accused and blamed in the future. Again, I felt good about my reply as I was calm and stated my position, stood my ground, and asked for her cooperation.
However, what I did fail to do is validate her feelings, so what I did do was exacerbate the conflict. It didn't hit me until later when I was casually talking w/a lady who happened to be a professional mediator.
So, was I able to say my peace and ask her for cooperation? Yes. I really felt I needed to respond to build a case in support of me in case XW tries to take all time w/my D away from me. I really don't trust her and will not put this past her. It seems that she is trying to paint me as an incompetent father at every turn, so I felt I needed to reply "just in case" I'll need it later.
However, the discussion w/the mediator was so helpful in reminding me of the "goal." What the main goals are at this point are: 1) Do what is best for our D and 2) Get XW to cooperate w/me in a civil manner.
My reply may have helped me to defend my side and appear to a non-biased source that I'm looking for compromise and an effective co-parenting relationship w/XW. However, it didn't help to get XW to cooperate w/me civilly.
So, I sent her another e-mail when I got home (she insists we only talk via e-mail), telling her I had spoken w/the mediator and I completely agree w/her concerns for D as her safety is my main priority as well. I then said this sounds like something we need to discuss and asked when would be a good time to call her and talk about it.
Now, I'm pretty sure I'll never get anything back from her, but as far as the courts would be concerned, my second reply would more than show that I'm willing to work w/her and want a positive co-parenting relationship. This reply alone would have been acceptable and accomplished everything I was intending to accomplish w/my initial e-mail.
So, another lesson learned. Validation will get me closer to my end result than confrontation.
So today I get an e-mail from XW about the pending Wells Fargo payment that we both have to pay on today. I also receieved another one later saying "since you completely agree w/my concerns for D's safety, I don't understand what there is to talk about? Please clarify in an e-mail."
Well, e-mail is now XW's choice for communication, so I know she's trying to keep everything on file to possibly use against me in the future. Thus, my replies are very clear and carefully worded.
My reply was as follows:
Quote:
I completely agree that D's safety is of utmost concern to us both. However, I wanted to give you the opportunity to hear what has really occurred when D is with me.
I think if you knew the real story (and not the one being articulated by our daughter), you would not be so alarmed as to what she's done w/the dog while she's been with me.
Again, if you'd like to talk further or need clarification as to what she's actually been allowed to do concerning "walking the dog," I'd be more than happy to sit down and talk w/you about it.
I think this validates her concerns and shows my willingness to have a dialogue w/her w/out my preaching or defending. I don't see how anything I've sent her can come back at me in court, but I'm just making sure to be careful from here on out.
I'll be sickened as well as angry if she tries to take my time w/my D away from me. I could only hope the legal system in Arizona would be able to see through her and side w/me.
Anyway, that's my latest report. I hope all is well w/you in cyber-land.
Stop emailing her. She may be using it agaisnt you.. and its ridiculous to deal with the co-parenting of G through email. Just ignore her.. if you need to speak to her about Grace, pick up the phone, be normal.. if you get her answer machine, so be it, leave a messae. You dont have to Db her anymore, you can relax and be yourself.
If she wont/cant talk to you.. I would suggest some kind of mediation, or family therapy. She is being TOTALLY controlling, cant you see that? She is angry, bitter and resentful and you are still allowing her to yank your chain. I really think you need to let go of your need to 'prove' to her she is wrong and you are a good guy. Sadly, in her eyes, you are the devil incarnate and all of his henchmen rolled into one.
I also think you could be right.. she is amassing evidence to use against you.. and how terribly sad if that is her agenda. So no more texts, or emails.. and when you DO speak, make sure you say very little and dont get drawn in to admitting anything, in case she is recording what you are saying also (wouldnt put it past her).
Seriously, stop running scared and going along with what SHE wants.. man up! Be yourself! Tell her to go f*ck herself! .. sorry, that last one just slipped out, ignore that bit, lol.
Al xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Hey RTL, I would like to add a few experiences on the dating front if I may. When it comes to questions regarding past relationships, I try not to badmouth the ex. However, i am always honest and if the lady does not like it for whatever reason, well better to end it early than later. I figure if i am myself and am being honest and she deos not like what she hears than so be it....there are plenty of other women out there that will knock your socks off. No rush anyways..... I think you have the right attitude when you say "her loss".
