I wrote a whole response filled with suggestions and tough love but then figured you just needed to get it out. I get that too.
Holler when you're ready for more advice.
You got it! Just had to vent some thoughts this morning..... It seemed to help!
Just so you know, I truly appreciate all of the advice and guidance that you are providing. The advice that you all have given has been a tremendous help in giving me guidance at a time when I have felt completely lost. I have no idea where I would be without it.
I am trying my hardest to focus on myself right now. This isn't always easy to do, but I feel like I am getting better at it. My highest points in the recent weeks have been when I was doing just that. Out doing an activity that I was enjoying and not worrying about how it is being perceived by the W.
Thanks for being here! ;-)
M 30 WAW 29 T 15 M 5 ILYBNILWY 3/8/09 Separated 3/14/09
Yesterday afternoon lifted my spirits a little more. A couple of friends and I took a plane up and went for a quick flight along the coast. It was a very nice time (Even though my buddy unknowingly flew directly over my W's apartment!). We landed and went for a good 2 hour workout.
I have been feeling much better today. Stronger in the sense that I will get through this just fine, regardless of what direction the marriage goes.
I went to the bank today and opened up new checking and savings accounts in just my name. I was origially going to just have her removed, but that has turned into more of a hassle than it was worth. I do feel better about taking the initiative and doing that for myself.
I plan to take the advice above and begin packing up the remainder of her things this weekend. It will probably be a little hard at first, but I think the benefits will outweigh it. We still have had no contact in just over 2 weeks now.
M 30 WAW 29 T 15 M 5 ILYBNILWY 3/8/09 Separated 3/14/09
She sent a text responding to the message that I had sent earlier in the week. It went something like, "I enjoyed my trip back home. I really miss my family. How are you doing? Do I have any mail?".
I sent a brief response saying, "I am glad your visit with your family went good. I am doing well, keeping busy. Yes, you do have mail."
Not sure if my response was too brief or too cold, but I didn't want to come across clingy. I guess we'll see what comes out of this.
M 30 WAW 29 T 15 M 5 ILYBNILWY 3/8/09 Separated 3/14/09
Did you wait at least two hours before responding? Do not jump on every chance to communicate. I always tried to wait a day if it wasn't time sensitive information. Remember, if you are busy then you won't be available whenever she wants. The goal is to really be doing something, not just saying that. But it's ok to fake it til you make it.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
I didn't wait 2 hours, but it was over an hour before I responded to her (is there a 2 hour rule?). I have had a couple of really strong days now and I didn't feel overly anxious to respond instantly.
It may be the anger phase or something, but I am feeling a little different about the situation. By that I mean that the feeling of desperation is not nearly as intense as it has been. I am actually having feelings of pushing away and carrying on. I question to myself if I would ever be able to truly let go of what has happened and move forward. I don't know the answer to that and I guess that only time will tell.
My closest friends are noticing that I am doing much better. They have all told me that I seem to be doing much better. Starting to joke around again, laughing and having some fun. I am glad that they told me this out of the blue as it has boosted my ego.
This is where I stand tonight, I am sure in a few minutes my thoughts and feelings will change again. I am just thankful to have these higher moments.
M 30 WAW 29 T 15 M 5 ILYBNILWY 3/8/09 Separated 3/14/09
Still no contact with the W. One strange thing is that she added me as a friend to her facebook, which I found odd. Maybe trying to check up??? Either way, I don't spend much time on there any how.
I finished boxing the majority of her remaining items this weekend. It wasn't as difficult as I expected it to be. It actually lifted my spirits in a weird way. I put all of her things in a guest bedroom.
I am still feeling very strong, which I am happy about. I had a great weekend hanging out with my friends. A few of us went and boweled until 2am Saturday night. On Sunday we went out to a couple of restaurants with bands out on the water. It was just an all around nice weekend.
My mindset is getting firmer with the idea that my situation isn't the end of the world. I still have down moments, but the highs seem to be much more prevalent. I had the best nights sleep that I have had since the bomb last night and I woke up with high spirits.
Is it normal/healthy to develop this type of mindset? I am certainly feeling much better, but I am also scared of crashing back to where I was. I am developing more of an "oh well" attitude regarding wondering what she is thinking and what her next move will be. These are feelings that I haven't felt before and is all quite new to me. The main fear that I have now is if I am doing everything right.
M 30 WAW 29 T 15 M 5 ILYBNILWY 3/8/09 Separated 3/14/09
Is it normal to have mixed feelings about wanting things to work or not? I have really been flip-flopping a lot internally. One side of me wants to do whatever is necessary to work on the marriage. The other side of me, realizing that she has to want to work on things, says just let it go and get on with life. I am feeling more and more pressure to just make a decision if she isn't going to make one. Right now I feel like my only two choices are to wait it out or ask for a D. The idea of D has been creeping back into my mind more and more, but I do feel things are still too early to make that call.
I spoke with her mother yesterday and she said that they had a good visit last week. Her mom said that she is still getting mixed signals. She did mention that the W commented several times that I hadn't contacted her of which my MIL told her that I was probably just giving her the space that she asked for.
My MIL felt it would be a good idea for me to send a brief text message just touching base. I did send a brief message yesterday afternoon stating, "I have been thinking about you and hope you enjoyed your trip back to see your family". I have not received a response as of today.
I agree that I need to get better at focusing on myself and quit focusing so much on my W. It may just be part of the roller coaster, but I feel like I have some really good runs where I don't focus on her as much and then I start coasting back down the hill. I do often find myself thinking obsessively over what she has said to others, what her actions are symbolizing and what she is going to do next.
I am sure that it sounds like my thoughts and feelings are all over the map,,,,, which they are. I truly appreciate all of the advice and guidance that you are all providing. I do feel that it has helped me get to a better place with myself at a much faster pace.
Thanks!
Yes it's normal to flip flop back & forth, you are detaching slowly due to less contact, you would do better with no contact.
Texting her was your MIL's advice. I would have just said thank you for the advice, I would not have texted her - no contact, means no contact.
Think about it this way, you told her you've been thinking about her. Now she knows you probably think about her all the time, you're still pursuing her indirectly and she'll continue to push you away indirectly in this form.
Don't contact her, don't phone her, don't text her.
The more you contact her, the more she'll feel better about herself at your expense. You are her emotional healing stepping stone. As long as she knows you are thinking about her constantly, it pumps up her ego and she likes how that feels, she feels better because of it but she isn't going to mess with that vibe by returning the favor.
It's a power trip. It's nice to have someone love you and want you and you control the strings on that "puppet", she isn't returning any of that energy (do you notice, no reply on that text message), why should she? She can have it all for herself and it feels good.
Human beings are a strange lot, even the person you loved more than anyone else and loved you can turn into someone that will hurt you and take advantage of you. I know it sounds ugly to read & hear that but it's the truth.
Time to be a man. Time to believe in yourself. Time to know that you can live a good life without her. It's time for you to do that and when she notices that you can move on without her, that's when you will start being attractive to her again.
We all want what we can't have.
We don't necessarily always want what we can have easily.
You can't have her right now but you really want her.
She can have you easily but doesn't really want you.
Attraction is a strange animal and you can only begin to understand it when you start thinking about how it works and how you can make it work for you.
How have things been going for you? I've been away for a while, just checking in.
Mistake contacting her, she was getting mad that you have not contacted her? Good, that means she was starting to want the contact, now that goes back to 0. She is still controlling you, now is the time to give her the space she wants, because you have better things to do!
Be very careful with the MIL, when it comes down we all get behind blood, its just how it is.
Burt
Yup, yup and more yup.
Dburt knows his stuff, listen to him.
Don't trust the in-laws as much as you love & respect them.
Blood is always blood and you are just an in-law.
If she cheated on you, she would twist it around in their eyes and they would support her for it and be angry with you afterwards because "you pushed her" into that behavior.
I would institute no contact with them also.
Create some mystery in your life by not sharing details with her family, in a way, it's still you contacting & pursuing her when you talk to her family.
Thank you for the reality check PH..... I need it!
I see your point about about getting on with life as a necessary part of working on the M. Maybe it is the roller coaster of feelings, but I get this flood of thoughts at times that tell me that I have to make a decision between those two options. In reality, you are exactly right. I will make a conscious effort to get off of this ride and focus on me.
Her mother called me yesterday on my way to the gym. She has called me ~once per week to touch base. My W has been very closed off and hasn't shared too much with her since everything happened. The situation has been traumatic for her as well, as she never saw this coming and we have been together since we were kids.
It was my idea to contact my W yesterday and I asked my MIL's opinion while we were talking. I haven't been sure if I should start the NC at this stage or not. I want her to know that I am still here, but I don't want to push on her. When her mother said she seemed angry that I hadn't contacted her, it pushed me to send her the message. Maybe I shouldn't have.
In terms of reasons that she has given for leaving, there have been many. Just to list a few:
- She felt that we had grown apart in the last two years while I completed an MBA and changed job positions. - She feels that she has missed out on parts of life from us getting together so young. - We got married too young. - Things quit working for her. - She just wasn't happy seems to be the most common one. - Although she always said that she liked us having separate hobbies on the weekend, she began to change and didn't want to be the one to ask for the other to change. - She said that she refuses to be in a relationship where she has to threaten to leave (i.e. why she said she never talked about D or separation prior to the bomb). - I wasn't the kind of person that liked to sit down and watch movies. I was always doing stuff. - Christmas of 2007, we didn't exchange gifts and this bothered her but she didn't want to say anything. (We went on vacation to a cabin in the Flagstaff). - She has asked for the two of us to get away for a weekend for ~1 yr and I never planned it. - She has acknowledged that she has never had any closure from her father's passing ~3 yrs ago and this has likely affected her overall feeling of happiness.
These are just a handful of many other reasons that she has given me and our friends. I certainly believe that these things have left a negative perception of our marriage to her. I truly feel that the majority of those are what she is using to justify her actions. My honest opinion is that she has a lot of internal unhappiness from bottling up things over the years. Unfortunately, the marriage is taking the blunt of the impact because it is a variable that she can control.
All of her reasons would be considered standard "script", it's interesting that they (WAS's) don't have a club where they exchange excuses because they all end up sounding the same, maybe they share some collective consciousness when they go through this experience.
It could also be standard "script" when they're thinking of fooling around also.
