Yes, Coach we shouldn't react with anger or cynicism. I do feel that sometimes it's healthy to get some of this stuff out. Many of us were probably at one time hanging on every word our spouse said and accepting it as the Gospel. However as we detached we probably began to realize that some of these comments were the said on impulse and influenced by the fog of a MLC, anger, mood, or whatever. I still respect my W despite the fact that some of her comments, were illogical, untruthful, or hurtful. I also respect her for the things she's said that were true.
I work to build my strength and individuality. If she says unkind, untrue things then I will ignore them (water off a duck's back), forget them, and forgive them.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
However as we detached we probably began to realize that some of these comments were the said on impulse and influenced by the fog of a MLC, anger, mood, or whatever. I still respect my W despite the fact that some of her comments, were illogical, untruthful, or hurtful. I also respect her for the things she's said that were true.
I work to build my strength and individuality. If she says unkind, untrue things then I will ignore them (water off a duck's back), forget them, and forgive them.
This has proven very difficult for me lately, but I believe 100% in that concept. Some of the actions my WAW has done recently, and some of the statements made were very hurtful and linger in my mind, haunting my thoughts on regular occasion. I noticed that my responses to her lately have been colder and more distant, even though that's not how I want to be. I just do not want to be perceived as weak or a doormat.
Water off a ducks back...I have to keep that in the front of my mind in some of the convo's I have with W. She goes straight for the heart with some of her stabbing comments and actions, but then will turn around and run in to hug me or start being kinder. I always remain friendly, just a little shorter and distant than I used to be with her. I know my shortness comes from me analyzing her statements after our encounter and internalizing feelings from my thoughts about it. I probably should stop that and go with the attitude of unconditional love and kindness. Very hard for me lately.
Me: 33 W: 26 Married: 5 yrs in July T: 8.5 yrs Kids: 0 Bomb: 2/4/09 D Filed (by her): 2/28/09
And Coach, we all hear what you're saying. And of course you're right -- we have to see things through our WAS's eyes, and we have to have empathy for their struggles, and we have to focus on making ourselves strong.
But you do have to admit there is a peculiar symmetry to the WAS-experience, across borders, across genders, across age groups. (How else could MWD have written the book?)
If one wanted to really analyze it, there might be some very interesting inferences to be drawn. For example, there seems to be a near-universal experience of marriage-termination. So why do these catch-phrases resonate with WAS's? Perhaps because, like all cliches, they contain an element of truth. Perhaps because they're easy and have the advantage of sounding "deep."
Or....again, tough to admit....perhaps they are Truth.
Okay, so that was my being-fair part for the day. Now, on to the dogpile. These are all pronouncements that my WAW has pronouncified, with credit given to the original source on the boards, presented in the form of a short entertainment.
"Exile from WAS-land: A Play by Smiley's Person."
Act I, Sc. I, an English country-house drawing room.
ENTER: BERTIE, dressed in white flannel trousers, white cotton shirt, and white sweater, carrying a very large, leather-bound book.
BERTIE: Oh, I say! What, ho -- script, anyone?
WAW:
[From @sweet-1 (#1746037)]
* “My happiness is the most important thing here, and if I have to become the unreasonable bitch to get it so be it.”
* “It would be the easiest thing in the world to get back together with you, but where would that leave me?”
* “My family supports my decisions completely.”
* “The kids will be fine, divorces happen all the time.”
[From @dburt (#1746043)]
* “The children will adjust and be fine.”
* “I cannot change my heart.”
[From @orangedog (#1746117)]
* “It is what it is.”
[From @steady (#1746156)]
* “It would be better than to have them seeing their mother crying every day.”
* “Why should I have to pay...just because I married you?”
* “We’ll be good friends and do things together with the kids.”
* “I will always be in your life.”
* “It would take an act of God to get us back together.”
* “I don’t ever think we could ever have sex again.”
[From @Coach (#1746213)]
* “The pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving.”
[And from Mrs. SP Herself]:
* “I love you but I’m not in love with you.”
* “I’ve built a wall against you.”
* “I can’t ever be vulnerable to anyone again – especially you.”
* “I hate marriage.”
* “He’s a symptom, he’s not the cause.” [Ummm, but we, ah, ‘spies’ tend to treat symptoms, dear.]
* “We will be great co-parents.”
* “I do care for you.”
* “I don’t think of you in that way.”
* “I have no feelings for you as a man.”
* “Why do you assume this will be bad? Look at X’s family [DB’ers, you don’t want to know – it’s enabling friend Hell]. And why do we have to follow other peoples’ rules anyway?”
* “I can’t stay and be miserable.”
* “Why would you want someone to stay who doesn’t want you?”
EXIT Bertie, The Divorce Remedy in hand, as PROCESS SERVER Enters stage L.
"You're the one who needs answers, I'm fine just knowing that I can't be around you." One of my favorites.
"You do know that this has nothing to do with you, right?" Really, then if I'm so great what's the issue?
"The only thing we have in common right now is sex and you can get that anywhere."
When he first told me he wanted to leave I asked him if he thought there was anything good about me he said "You're good in bed and gorgeous." Uh, thanks? It's good to know I'm good for something.
"You literally make my skin crawl, it itches every time you're near me." Actually, I think that's called dry skin. They sell lotion for that.
