Husband of WAW

[antlers]

Hello. My wife moved out of our home on February 22nd of this year. She told me on January 3rd that she was going to leave. My wife is a walk-away-spouse. I'm having a hard time with all of this. I'm trying to learn about our situation, to understand what happened, and not ever make the same mistakes again. And I'm hopeful that my wife and I can be together again on down the line. I would be so greatful if I could hear from some of you who are so experienced with this type of situation. Thank you in advance, and I want to learn...so I look forward to hearing from you folks.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1743064&page=1#Post1743064

[markhaving probs]

Hello Antlers,

I, like you am experiencing the same situation. I have received lots of fantastic advice on Newcomers - alot of it I have taken on board, some of it I should have acted on but did not have the guts for fear of upsetting my WAW. Now, I am trying to do my best in forgetting about her (though it is incredibly hard) and trying to get on with my life, and think about my D11 and S7. I cannot control her actions or her thoughts so I have stopped pleading, crying, threatening suicide as these only pushed her further away from me. She has detached from me because as Puppy said she does not want to face the reality of what she has done to our family and hopes it will all go away quickly. She has filed for divorce and wants it resolved as quickly as possible without an conselling or relationship talk. I have not found any proof to date of OP but I have to try and put that out of my mind as it just eats away at me and brings me down.

We have just seperated and I am now attempting to GAL, PMA and trying to get through each day as best I can. It has become easier since the bomb was dropped in December 08, but it is a long process.

antlers, please give me some more information on your sitch - Has your wife given you a reason, is there someone else, is she wanting a divorce/seperation, are children involved?

[dday101798]

I have stopped pleading, crying, threatening suicide as these only pushed her further away from me.

That is definately rule #1 I learned the very hard way. Do not persue, and do not set any expectations for interactions you may have with her.

That said Antlers, you have a long, long road ahead of you. As suggested above, don't even think for a second you can get in her head and figure out what went wrong thinking "it's all her fault, she walked away". Like it or not, the cold hard truth is something you've said or done contributed. What you need to do is identify that and forgive her walking away. That is intself is a very, very hard thing to do, but it must be done.

When you figure out what it was, definatley do not go running to her proclaim you'll change it. JUST CHANGE IT, without putting on display either.

Statistic and my experience along with others I have conversed with here show that she will not have true second thoughts for atleast 6 months. There will be many occasions between now and then where it may seems as if she's coming around to that point, and you will get your hope all up and then be crushed again over and over each time she backs off yet again. Prepare for this, as mark said, PMA(positive mental attitude) is a MUST! Not only for you to help you get through this, but for your kids. They are the ones who are being hut the most. It's human nature for you to be hurt, but don't let them know how bad. Go to your bathroom, basement garage or where ever you can have privacy to break. You won't be able to do it all the time, sometimes, the slightest comment or something just laying around will cause you to break, it's natural, get it out, but not in front of them.

Come here to vent. DO NOT vent to friends as much as possible, gossip travels. Obviously through M, you both have mutual friends. This is especially true in that instance. Try to engage as little conversation as possible in that respect. Remember, your friends or famliy you talk to will always take your side and in some instances paint a bad mental picture in your head of your W as they only know your side.

So, as said, figure out what you did or didn't do. All the while, hard is at may be, get your mind off of it. Paint that fence you've been putting off, go work out or something, eat and sleep as this will take a a physical strain on you as well emotional.

In closing, when you start doing better she will notice. Thsi will bring about a curiosity in her and she will work those those "buttons" of yours to see if you're really acknowledging your issues. Don't let her. You will falter from time to time, I guaruntee it until you learn what those buttons are.

Hope that helps you out somewhat.

[markhaving probs]

D,

Good stuff here for antlers and a good reminder to me also. Thank you.

[dday101798]

D,

Good stuff here for antlers and a good reminder to me also. Thank you.

Well, all I can say is that it's our only intent in showing the WAS spouse how much we hurt and miss them and want them to come back.

But, reality is in most cases this translates to you're weak and can't emotionally help yourself, how can you help them? And in extreme cases (suicide threats especially) can be translated as pathetic and quicly drive them into the arms a OP.

Furhermore on any suicide talk, FORGET IT!!! You lived without your H/W before and you can again. Not only if worse comes to worse and you don't save the M, any slightest inkling of it WILL come back to haunt you in the event of D especially where kids are involved. My STBX found lyrics I wrote and construed them as a "suicide note" and really screwed things up right now for me and my kids.

EDIT - If you are in fact having suicidal thoughts, GET HELP NOW!
There is no shame in getting help, none what so ever, that's why it's there.

[antlers]

Hello Antlers,

I, like you am experiencing the same situation. I have received lots of fantastic advice on Newcomers - alot of it I have taken on board, some of it I should have acted on but did not have the guts for fear of upsetting my WAW. Now, I am trying to do my best in forgetting about her (though it is incredibly hard) and trying to get on with my life, and think about my D11 and S7. I cannot control her actions or her thoughts so I have stopped pleading, crying, threatening suicide as these only pushed her further away from me. She has detached from me because as Puppy said she does not want to face the reality of what she has done to our family and hopes it will all go away quickly. She has filed for divorce and wants it resolved as quickly as possible without an conselling or relationship talk. I have not found any proof to date of OP but I have to try and put that out of my mind as it just eats away at me and brings me down.

We have just seperated and I am now attempting to GAL, PMA and trying to get through each day as best I can. It has become easier since the bomb was dropped in December 08, but it is a long process.

antlers, please give me some more information on your sitch - Has your wife given you a reason, is there someone else, is she wanting a divorce/seperation, are children involved?

She said she was unhappy and hurt for years because of the verbal and emotional abuse that I dished out. She says I treated her "like sh!t". I didn't appreciate her, and I took her for granted. She kept it bottled up for years, and she got to the point where she had to leave to "find herself" again. It's all in my thread in Newcomers. She has repeatedly said there is nobody else. I believe that. We are separated...the last time we talked, about a week and a half ago, I asked her if she was going to file and she said she has been thinking about it. We have a 20 y/o daughter who has her own apartment, and we have a 12 y/o daughter and an 11 y/o son.

[antlers]

Thanks for responding. My thread is on Newcomers. I messed up. I took her for granted, didn't appreciate her, and I was verbally and emotionally abusive at times. I'm working on me, reading and studying and trying to learn, and I'm also hoping that my wife and I can still have a future together. I did all the things initially that we shouldn't do..Crying, begging, pleading, etc. All that did was push her further away. Hard lessons. I wish I had known about this site when our separation was first happening. I want to learn, and get better and stronger. My wife, and our kids, have seen me be too weak and hurt for too long. I guess the pain of leaving outweighed the pain of staying. It knocked me right down to the ground.

[antlers]

D,

Good stuff here for antlers and a good reminder to me also. Thank you.

I agree.

[antlers]

This is my thread on Newcomers:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1743064&page=1#Post1743064


I wish I had known about this site earlier so maybe I wouldn't have made so many of the mistakes that are typical of left behind spouses...I made 'em all!

[dday101798]

I did all the things initially that we shouldn't do..Crying, begging, pleading, etc. All that did was push her further away. Hard lessons.

Well, although it doesn't make right or undo the damamge, they are mistakes we all make in the begining, it's our nature as beings. As the saying goes, you don't know what you've got until it's gone.

So you've made your mistakes already, guess what? You will again, I gaurentee it as said. All you can do now is try and limit those mistakes, identify the bottons within you that can be pushed and make you revert to the reasons she left you in the first place. Even tho you may be working on those issues you are now not only emotional because she left for those reasons, but also you are emotional because YOU KNOW she left you for those reasons.

Example, last night. I had a "visitaion" with my kids. Right off the bat after STBX & OM dropped my boys off and started to drive off, S12 says "bye Mom, bye DAD". Still to this moment I am so livid, I should probably be in the ER, i don't even want to know what my blood pressure is. This coupled with finding out that now OM is physically "correcting" MY children, I have every thought to go and tear him in half.

Several months ago, I would have without a second thought. Several months ago I would have either called or texted STBX and bitched her out like you wouldn't believe. Several months ago I would have gone ape when STBX and OM picked them up.

What did I do last night? Said good bye to my kids at the end of the night and left the parking lot before they did for the first time ever without saying a word or coming within sight of either of them (STBX & OM).

The look of confusion on her face was astounding. Why? Because my son was told to say that, to erk me, to get me to snap, to feed her the energy she so needs to validate what she's doing as I have not allowed her to do when she regresses to blaming me solely for the failure of our M. I don't give her that satisfaction anymore as I personally don't care to nor have to, I have accepted what I've done and understand why she would leave me and forgive her for it. Now, throwing the kids in the mix to try and rekindle my anger is a dirty low down business, but guess what? So it is as divorce and that;s what the attorneys are for.

Sorry I did kind of vent there, but I think it's a good example of the things YOU WILL face. Your W know your weak spots, your buttons. And until the day comes when she is having true second thoughts, she WILL use those to validate herself. Be prepared, you have the head start of knowing that.

dday