So, I went over to H's house tonight because he wanted to discuss divorce. All day I was on pins and needles worrying about what he was going to say. I ended up writing down all of the things that I feel are good about me so I could have those in mind when I started to doubt myself.
He opened up the conversation saying, "I know what you want to do. That's been established. So where do we go from there?" I said since he asked me over I wanted to hear what he wanted. He said he wanted a divorce and all that we really needed to work out was child support and custody. I didn't do anything but nod my head. We agreed on the terms of custody, he doesn't have a job so child support isn't an issue at the moment. He did say that he would be getting an extension on his unemployment next week and he planned on giving me some money from that. All through this part of the conversation I didn't really say much. I told him what I wanted then I just listened to what he had to say.
After he said all of this he said, "You know this has nothing to do with you right?" I was like, yeah I do. I'm a good person. I haven't done anything to push you away to this degree. He was like, you are a good person and you're beautiful and you're totally right. Then he asked me if I could take him to the bar to meet his friends. I spent the whole car ride chatting cheerfully and joking around with him like we've always done. He was pretty quiet. We got to the sports bar and he leaned over and hugged me goodbye. When he got out of the car he was like, be good. So I said, I'm always good. He walked away looking kind of down.
The minute I left the parking lot I totally broke down. OMG that was the hardest thing I have ever done. It took all of my strength to stay calm and not react or demand answers and reasons. I wanted to say, if I'm such a good person and so wonderful and beautiful then what the hell are you doing? Why are you pushing this? Why can't we just stay separated and learn what the hell is going on? ARRGGGH!!!!
Oh one more thing, he offered to go car shopping with me on Tuesday. I of course accepted.
Did I do ok? Would you say that this was a successful meeting? I feel pretty good about it, but don't really know where it falls in the DBing scheme of things.
I don't know your whole situation but from here he should be begging YOU not to get rid of him...you drove your (car-less?), unemployed, WAH to a bar...well at least he didn't ask to borrow money from you.
You did great champ!
Chin up :-)
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
LMAO He did ask to borrow money! He said he has 75 cents to his name. Don't yell, but I lent it to him. I know, probably not such a good idea. But, it did show him that I'm successful without him and that I'm doing well enough to loan him money and not need it.
I'm not an exemplary DB'er so I won't offer any advice, BUT, I have a D17 and there is a court order in place that takes her child support from his UNEMPLOYMENT checks, as well as any IRS refunds, and, of course, (God forbid) he earned a real paycheck!
So, don't say that child support isn't an issue now. Children's needs don't go away just because Dad doesn't have a job.
You are a great actress, btw...
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
He is planning on paying child support and even if he isn't I'm going to call the court tomorrow and see how I would go about getting some if he doesn't. I am making an appointment with an atty this coming week. I'm not going to do this blindly or just give him what he wants. But I don't want him to see me as an enemy either. The money part wasn't so smart I don't think. I don't know. It's all so confusing. Where do you draw the line between doing the DB stuff and being practical? I hate always second guessing myself.
Meliru: The child support stuff can be done through your state's child support enforcement office. There were pretty standard forms, and one of their state attorney's fills it out for you, handles the court appearance, etc... I used tens of thousands of dollars on getting nowhere with individual private practice attorneys, and got nothing but bills. The IL State child support office corrected the amount he should be paying, required that his wages be withheld via an order of withholding, PLUS any arrearages, etc...
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Meli, I think you handled that convo like a DB pro! Your emotions both before and after are completely normal, but you did great. Giving him money, well, that is somewhat of a personal call; I don't think it was as bad as, say, giving him $46k (personal experience).
Your attitude with him and the front that you put on were perfect. Keep doing exactly that when he is around, and working on yourself and your kids when he isn't.
And congratulations on getting educated about your rights. We all hope that we don't have to use the information that we get, but if we need it, it is very important that we know it.
God bless and keep it up!
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
