German wife still foggy

[PortlandDad]

My first thread locked, so here goes #2!

I wonder how much of that credit card debt is really both of yours - you both are legally married and all assets and liabilities are probably still shared.

From a legal standpoint, I'm pretty sure that if she wanted to make a case for it that I would be responsible for some of her CC debt, since we are still M. She has been good enough (to this point) to own up to her debts and pay them with the money that she had, but now that she is nearly broke, who knows if she will continue to be responsible. She told me recently that she canceled her visa card, so that gives me some hope that she realized it was going to kill her in the long run if she continued to use it.

Kind of like a teenager. They'll say "I know" this and that and try to make a go of it. Then any little positive things they show, they show it off. But then reality sets in and they go back to needing the stability of mom and dad.

This is exactly the sense that I get, too. She has always liked to show off her stuff, even embellish the truth somewhat. For example, a few years ago I bought her a nice ring with a large cubic zirconium stone. It looked really nice and she was obviously proud of it. We went to dinner with my grandmother and all my aunts and uncles and cousins one night and my wife is sitting at the table showing off the ring and telling everyone that it was a real diamond! She was even trying to get me to go along with her story! It wasn't meant as a joke, or a prank, she was actually trying to convince everyone it was genuine.

It struck me as very juvenile on her part, but it was only one case of many where she has embellished or distorted the truth to try and inflate her self-worth.

It's still tough, our instincts are to care for our spouses in a time of need.

Ain't that the truth! I was so detached from her until I found out she needed surgery, and know I find myself getting suckered back into caring... well, not entirely true: I've cared all along, but I've been remarkably detached until now.

[jaguilar]

Yes, when my wife move dout she bought a new car, clothes, nials the whole nine yards. Now she tells me kids, I can't take you to the movies or the mall because I'm on a budget.

Time will only tell...

[PortlandDad]

I spoke with my MIL today. She told me that my W is now suffering from severe back pain. Looks like her degenerative disc disease is rearing its ugly head again. Without medical insurance, no doctor has been willing to give her anything stronger than extra-strength tylenol for the pain.

I asked her how she could continue going to school in her current state, and she told me that she was quitting school because of her situation. That was a major revelation to me. One of her MLC dreams dashed.

Then she continued and said that she was going to be going to a job interview tomorrow. That was news to me! I asked her what the job was, but she didn't know. Here is a woman who doesn't even have the German equivalent of a HS diploma, with a gimpy leg and bad back: what kind of 'job' does she qualify for? To top it off, she is an American citizen, so I'm sure there are special tax laws and stuff that any employer is going to have to consider if they even wanted to hire her for anything.

It's frustrating because I have offered her to get her the leg operation ($50 co-pay with my insurance) if she would pay the ticket to come back, but so far she stubbornly refuses my help. Oh well, you can lead a mule to water... or something like that.

[jaguilar]

You think it's pride?

[smith18]

Did she have to give up her German citizenship when she became a US citizen? My X still has dual citizenship. We never applied for the kids to have dual citizenship because I thought it would have been a cruel joke to tell my son, when he turned 18, that he had to go to Thailand in serve his time in the Thai Army.

[MrBond]

I think a big part of it is pride. But some people have to just live and learn.

[PortlandDad]

I would say a mixture of pride and good old-fashioned German stubbornness. You are right, stuck, she just has to learn for herself.

KK: We found out after-the-fact that she didn't HAVE to give up her German citizenship when she was naturalized; if we would have applied through the German Consulate she could have been granted dual citizenship, but we didn't know at the time. My oldest has dual citizenship until he is 21, but then if he wants to keep the German citizenship he has to go to Germany and serve in the Army or other civil service, so it sounds similar to the Thai sitch.

As far as the sitch goes: I still don't know the outcome of the job interview, or whether it even happened. I spoke to my MIL again late last night: it was morning in Germany. My MIL and W were up almost all night talking on the phone. It seems she is doing a lot of soul-searching, asking my MIL if she should come home, saying it isn't working out for her in Germany, questioning if she could have a life with me again, etc. etc. etc.

If this is the breakthrough that I have been waiting for, is it wrong to have "buyer's regret"? So far, all I hear is a lot of self-pity from her. It didn't work out, so she wants to come home? And if it had have worked out, me and the kids would have been a fading image in her rear-view mirror? I kinda feel like now that everything is falling apart in her world that I'm the safe harbor she can pull into.

Don't get me wrong, I do want her back, but I don't see, nor do I get the sense that she wants to make, the personal changes that will put our M back on course. I haven't actually spoken to her yet, so this is all being channeled through my MIL atm, but don't know what I'm supposed to think.

Any suggestions?

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

PD--

You will have to take a strong stance with her. Make her start to wonder if she really can come back or did she really blow it by being foolish and running away. She needs to respect you and your kids. She considers you the fallback guy right now. "Oh well, it didn't work. at least PD will take me back." She will take the time she needs to pull herself together and run again if the changes are not real and for you and for the better. Show her who you are and what a great man you are and have grown even more into. Be the greener grass.

Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW

[MrBond]

Maybe the Big Guy upstairs is trying to tell her something. : )

Stay strong and consistent. Compassionate and sympathetic. You can do all this without enabling her. She'll come back on her own accord. Just don't make her "afraid" to. I'm sure she's realizing she may have made a huge mistake and is too afraid or ashamed to totally go back. Create the safe and inviting environment that shows that she is welcome back with no strings attached.

This really reminds me of the prodigal son story. Some people just have to go through crap to find what they're truly looking for.

[jaguilar]

I'm with Stuck, you don't want to make her afraid and you don't want to hold this over her head as well, IF she does come back. But that's a ways down the road.