The adventure continues--part 2

[AFWAW]

Wow, locked up a thread in less than a week! So, it seems like my sitch is going downhill rapidly. I've gone from I love you still and don't want a divorce with some friendliness to a major B#$%@ on wheels. After self-assessment, I would say I pursed a tad too much.

Having said that, how do I get her back to where we were at? At this point, I am emotionally detached. I know this as I am finally sleeping all night and feeling generally better. So what to do next?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

. . .

After self-assessment, I would say I pursed a tad too much.

Having said that, how do I get her back to where we were at? . . .

I would suggest you go back and REALLY try to objectively look at your own situation thus far, and ask yourself:

- What has WORKED?

- What clearly HASN'T worked?

If you want to get back to where you were before, you need to figure out how you got there. Have you kept a journal? If not, these threads can be your journal, but try to build a thorough timeline for yourself, and see what she has responded to (NOTE: do NOT go by what made her angry, or what she SAID, but rather how she responded and what she DID. Words are just a head-fake).

Puppy

[AFWAW]

After further review and reflection what has worked?
- Giving her space
- Agreeing to everything she wants
- Answering her phone calls
- Standing up to her

What hasn't:
Pursuing--asking why she is doing this, if there is any possibility of us getting back together, etc.
- Not being available to answer her phone calls


Having said all this, it appears to me that she has not changed one bit even though I have. This has been her act the whole time we have been married. She always gets angry when she doesn't get her way--ALWAYS!!!She's still abusive verbally. Kind of wants to have her cake and eat it too with the whole calling me and passing along her day, etc. I still don't understand the whole passing me job openings at her work and other things like offering to buy me a movie last night. A lot of things don't add up. I re-read the watch and wait chapter in DR last night as it feels like I'm basically at a standstill and waiting for the other shoe to drop.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Don't you think it remains to be seen if there could be a NEW relationship built upon some sort of mutual respect? I mean, have you ever consistently learned about setting -- and enforcing -- boundaries, and sticking up for your own needs?

She might surprise you.

Or, she might not, in which case at least you'll know. I suspect you're not willing to live with your 2nd bullet-point anyway, so why not try it?

It will take some TIME and PATIENCE, tho -- there are a loootttt of old, bad habits to break here, on BOTH of your parts.

Remember: women tie their feelings of "love" VERY closely with their feelings of "respect." She has helped create a husband who "agrees to everything she wants," but now she realizes that she's really not attracted to that. And you, you've allowed it.

You're both to blame, the way I see it. But since you're here, YOU are the one who gets to go first in trying to fix it.

Puppy

[AFWAW]

Don't you think it remains to be seen if there could be a NEW relationship built upon some sort of mutual respect? I mean, have you ever consistently learned about setting -- and enforcing -- boundaries, and sticking up for your own needs?

I'll agree that it remains to be seen if a new relationship could built. As far as the boundaries, I haven't really set any. I could start with telling her to stop with the phone calls in the morning. I think I did well with the standing up to her regarding my daughter not going to daycare this week. I'll have to look at the section in Hold On to You N.U.T.S. again that covers this.

Remember: women tie their feelings of "love" VERY closely with their feelings of "respect." She has helped create a husband who "agrees to everything she wants," but now she realizes that she's really not attracted to that. And you, you've allowed it.

You're both to blame, the way I see it. But since you're here, YOU are the one who gets to go first in trying to fix it.

You are correct here as well. I just hope that it's not too late. If it is, then I will be sure not to repeat in my next relationship.

Good homework assignment, thanks!

[AFWAW]

Oh wow, I was controlling aircraft today and right in the middle of it I started thinking of my sitch and got so, so angry! I had to bite my tongue to focus. That was not a good time! I think SP has called it. I'm officially in the anger phase. I had to pick up some paperwork from the wife after work(no, not the divorce paperwork, other stuff) and I had to fight the urge to get out of the car and smack her one. She walked up to my car with such a snotty, arrogant, sexy attitude that made me so want to smack her one. I have never ever ever felt that before in my life and I would never hit a woman. I have calmed down since but I am still very angry at what she has done to me and our family. I have not displayed this anger towards anyone. Just venting here. Hope everyone is well, I think I'll turn in early tonight and no I'm not on roids if anyone is thinking that!

[FitChik]

I also would get hit with anger streaks that came out of nowhere at times. And I am not prone to anger! It would always seem to come at the worst moments too - like when I was driving! I know how frustrating that is. A good, long run or lifting weights helped release my anger (as well as fueled my workouts)! Hope you get a good night's rest....

[AFWAW]

I feel a little better this morning. Being angry makes you tired though. The wife called to talk with my daughter last night and did not want to talk with me at all! Good--probably would have said something I regretted anyway. I will do my bestest not to focus on her today but to focus on me. I'm sure I'll get some interaction this weekend as the wife will probably want me daughter to spend the night with her--one would think anyway.

[SmileysPerson]

Being angry makes you exhausted, dude. Or does me, at any rate.

[Mellenmack]

Will second that. Also, the drama will exhaust you, too.

PS. You get to fly planes (me reading into your "controlling aircraft"). I'm guessing RC ones?? We have those here too. It is amazing, honestly the technology.

So my point is...you have a really cool job. The kid in awe in me says to just enjoy your job today! How many people get to do THAT for a living?? Totally cool.

Melissa