Hi everyone, I am new to the boards. I downsized my story since I realized how long it was and the few laughs I got. I just started writing and it felt so good to get it out, guess it was more like a therapy session for me. So here is the smaller version...
My H and I have been M for almost 7 years, been together almost 13. No kids. H had an A w/coworker. The OW is M with 2 kids. They are in the Navy. He still works with OW. His career makes it harder for him to change commands and same for her as well. They have direct contact probably everyday but I have no clue how much. Supposedly it is completely work related and that is it. Every day I wonder if he talks to her. A higher up, with whom my husband admitted the whole A to, forbid them to talk/be together since they could get demoted/kicked out for their actions. But this person is now gone so who knows what their relationship truely is anymore.
After I read DB I started looking at the little signs. There are more positives than negatives these days but still we go four spaces ahead and then there is one thing that happens and we have to start over from scratch again.
I felt like I never received closure from the affair and then one day in counseling he said, well its over so I just figured it was done why are we still talking about it. Its so much more than the affair he said. He also believes that he is going through a Mid Life Crisis. Thinks the grass is greener on the other side/wants to see if he can take care of himself.
He says the A is over but he still thinks about her and misses her. He misses being on the high she gave him. How do you get past the feelings of is it really over? Can I trust him that it is over when he still thinks about her and misses her? I wonder how if I cant get past the A how do we fix what was broken that got him to the point of having the A.
For the past 3 Fridays and now this friday as well he has been going to going away luncheons in which spouses are never invited to. This command has been so different from all the others because they do not include their spouses in anything. After the luncheons they always end up doing something afterwards so he ends up having like half a day off and doesnt usually get home until after 7. He says it is frowned upon if he doesnt go. They want people to participate. I am sure he could go without going to the after party. My problem is is that the OW always goes as well. I know it is a daily struggle to trust him again and that I have good days thinking we can work things out and he is ready to commit to saving our marriage to having bad days thinking he is not at work and is with her. Your mind plays so many tricks on you.
I have tried to employ things I learned from DB but sometimes it is so hard. I think how in the world can anyone do this? It seems so simple but yet when the moment hits and he stays out late despite my concerns I hit the roof. Then we are at square one again.
I have so much hurt and anger in my heart that it was causing me to forgo helping myself. I dwelled on being a victim of the OW and even though I have tried to better myself, I have failed miserably.
Last weekend I decided even though he hasnt given me everything I need to heal from this journey, I was going to do it for myself and maybe if I can change myself, he will give me the final pieces I need in order to completely heal down the road when he is ready. I made a conscious decision to forgive him for what he had done. It didnt mean I couldnt still have moments of hurting or going backwards with trust, but it was more of a point to move forward. Trust is something that has to be earned. I will put my faith in him and see from there if he can build back the trust in time.
See he only left for 5 days in the beginning. Then he came back home and slept on the couch. He then moved back into bed with me, but we have yet to this day to be intimate. We have the friend relationship; we have yet to find our way back to being complete husband and wife and finding the spark. We go out to dinner, we go to movies, we go shopping, we watch TV, and we hang out with our friends who support us in what we have endured. We dont kiss and we barely touch unless we find ourselves inadvertently touch each other sitting on the couch or reach out for the other person like we used to do that is so natural.
I told him I loved him and I cared about him and for that reason I was forgiving him for the affair. He didnt respond. I dont need him to say anything. I just need to find a way to move on and get the compulsive feelings and thoughts out of my head. I have felt a total wave of relief since I told him I forgave him. I have found it easier not to get upset with him when he is late. I try not to nag.
Yesterday I didnt even answer the phone when he called to tell me he had to work late. He called the house, my cell phone and the house again. He wouldnt have done that a month ago. He also fixed the grill last night and I gave him lots of props for doing so. Positive reinforcements.
I feel like if I can really stick with the steps in DB he will come around. We just need to find our spark again. Its been a while since we have had them. Until then I am trying to be patient. He talks about the future. I feel like if he didnt want to be here, he would not talk about the future.
We are not in counseling anymore. He felt like it wasnt working. We stopped going over a month ago. I feel like if he sees us improving he will agree to go back when he is ready. I think you have to be willing and not forced to do something or else it is not going to work.
I just take things one day at a time. I am now working on myself to improve things and hopefully he will realize he is not alone in wanting a better future and a different future, but to be there together in the end.
And after finding this board and reading DB, I finally feel like I am not alone as well.
It sounds like things are moving forward positively... and one good sign is that he is analyzing himself and realizing his actions/decisions are not rational and that he may be going through MLC.
The talks, conversations, and small things are good. I'm sure it has to be hard for you to think about OW and that is probably something that will be on your mind whenever he is there. That being said - he needs to understand that if he wants the R to work, he has to do whatever he has to in order to help you overcome the betrayal.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
. . .H had an A w/coworker. The OW is M with 2 kids. They are in the Navy. He still works with OW. His career makes it harder for him to change commands and same for her as well. They have direct contact probably everyday but I have no clue how much. Supposedly it is completely work related and that is it. Every day I wonder if he talks to her. A higher up, with whom my husband admitted the whole A to, forbid them to talk/be together since they could get demoted/kicked out for their actions. But this person is now gone so who knows what their relationship truely is anymore.
. . .
I feel like if I can really stick with the steps in DB he will come around. We just need to find our spark again. Its been a while since we have had them.
LnL,
The problem you're going to have is, as long as he is still in contact with this other woman, then -- emotionally and even physiologically -- he's not going to be open to YOU emotionally. He won't just "come around" as long as they are in contact, I'm sorry to say.
And their supervisor's admonishment may only make the fruit that much more forbidden.
How long ago was the affair? How long until your husband can get a transfer to another duty?
The affair started around last June/July and he was caught September 19, 2008, which was 5 days after our 6 year wedding anniversary. He can't leave the command he is at until March of next year, but the OW retires in either May/June of this year. I told him if we had a shot to work though this then he had to leave the command he was at. Either terminate shore duty and go back to sea duty or go IA which usually takes you overseas for a period of one year which is also unaccompanied. I figured IA would be perfect because he would be gone for a year and we could figure out what we both wanted. He is too needed at his command and the command will not release him unfortunately so he is stuck in this situation. which of course makes it harder for me to forgo the A since he could possibly be around her everyday.
I asked him the other day if he still thought of her and he said he thought of her sometimes, mostly missed the way she made him feel. I believe she laughed at his jokes and gave him an ego trip.
I feel the same as you stated, that until there is no contact at all, we are going to be stuck in this area of not being able to move forward in our relationship. He does just enough to make me think he wants to be here but yet doesn't do anymore sometimes than what he has too. Some days its enough for me and other days I want to just give up and walk away. Its a daily mental struggle to think he even did this and I think about what he did and the things i heard him say to her and I wonder why would i stay with someone not willing to make a committment to either stay and work on the marriage whole heartedly or just say, its over and lets move on. like i said before in a post, he feels like he is going through a mid life crisis so it just makes it that much tougher.
