I am new to the boards, but not new to the topics at hand. I have my own story of trying to survive and hopefully save my marriage. My H and I have been M for almost 7 years, we have been together almost 13. We share the house I grew up in with my mother. My father passed away my senior year of high school in 1994. My husband and I started dating in 1996. He is in the Navy and by 1997 he was starting to live with us because of upgrades on his ship. Little by little he was moving his things in and before you know it we were full on living with each other. My mother had no problem with this since it was nice having a man in the house due to the passing of my father. We had a great relationship. We complimented each other well, enjoyed doing the same things and he also got along with my family great. I did my best to support his career. Coming and going during deployments took a toll on both of us. But still, absence makes the heart grow fonder and the homecomings were always a joy. In 2002 we got married and continued to live in my childhood home with my mother. She was grieving from the loss of her own mother and it seemed to fit. We could live here and help her out financially plus save money in the long run to get our own place. Plus it benefited me, selfishly looking on it now, because while he was deployed I had a support system and was not alone. I figured we had the best of both worlds. Of course in the end we never saved any money. My husband was a shopaholic who quickly started getting into credit card debt. I always joked that as much as he sent the UPS man to the house, he better watch out. After his last deployment, which was almost 2 years ago, he soon transferred to shore duty. It is when you feel like your life is somewhat normal. I had held two jobs at one point but was let go from my full time job. I was working from home doing computer work part time which was nice. I became complacent and found it so scary to go back into the real world. He started working late hours for projects at work and volunteering all the time when not at work. We began arguing more because it seemed like he never had any free time to spend together. He had never worked so many hours before and when he first started at this command the hours seemed rather light. Before all of this he came home for lunch practically every day and things seemed to be going great. Then I began to notice every time he was at home this one particular woman he worked with seemed to text him or call him and he would rush to talk to her or respond to her. They started working out on Sundays going to the gym on base. I trusted him completely and figured I had nothing to worry about since she was married as well with 2 kids, one having autism. Then it just seemed like it was getting out of hand. I started asking him about her and he would say the notorious we are just friends bit and I would trust him. Then I started looking at the phone bill and would ask him about it and say this is not ethical for two married people to talk so much out of work. He would also tell me they ate lunch together all the time during the week and then she got in a car accident and he took her home every day for a month until she was cleared to drive. It got to the point I would ask him if she was worth his marriage. I also noticed on the credit card bills where he was buying lunch every day like it was for two people and knowing he went to lunch with her most days I was not but so stupid he was buying her lunch. He would play it off like he was buying lunch for the other people in his office. He always seemed to pick fights with me and then he started going to night school 4 nights a week and would come home well after the class was over. Then one Friday night he was going out with this association at work. They were going for dinner and a movie. I decided to go out with one of our friends. So my friend texted my H to see where he was at and wondered if he might want to meet us for a drink. He texted us back saying the movie was out and they were going for drinks with his work friends. Well my husbands cell phone accidentally called my friends cell phone back and for an hour and half we sat in his car and listened to my H and the OW talk about how he never loved me and that he married me because I was nice and saying he was so happy being with her and that they were getting away with their relationship scott free and then they were coming up with a story to tell their spouses. So of course I sit here and realize that my marriage is over. It is done. Not only did he take my trust for granted, he lied to my face repeatedly last summer and here he was thinking he was going to get away with this night as well. So another one of my friends took me around the whole area trying to find him and the OW. I could not sit still thinking about where they might be and what they were doing. So like a needle in a haystack we actually found our vehicle parked in a parking garage about 10 miles from the house she shares with her husband and kids. How sad! What a great wife and mother! Real winner in my book. Her H was out of town for the weekend and she left her kids alone to be with my H. So my friend and I did a stake out in the parking garage waiting for their return. When they finally did arrive they saw my friends car because they were obviously trying so hard not to get caught. So they sped out of the parking garage and my friend went in pursuit. We went in circles for about 10 minutes and then we ended up following her car what seemed like forever. When she finally stopped and ran into a restaurant we realized she had dropped him off somewhere near the parking garage and he ran back to the vehicle to go home. He was not sure if we had seen them or not together. How stupid of him. He has a real knack of suddenly playing stupid since he met her. So we finally made it back to our house and he had already packed a bag and was waiting for me to come back. My mother would not let him leave until we had talked. I really naively thought they had an emotional affair and not a physical one, which I still believe that to be true for the most part. Then the dreaded admission that they had slept together a few times came out of his mouth. I was stabbed through the heart with his admission and I called her cell phone with his phone and told her they were busted. She still tried to deny it though which still makes me laugh to this day when I think about it. To be such a smart person, she really is stupid. So I found out they would sleep together on days off and he would leave here and act like he was going to work in his uniform and meet her at a hotel somewhere. I kicked him out that night and did not speak with him for 2 days. I have a lawyer in my family and had already had talked to them and was going to have papers drawn up and he was to get service that Monday at his command. Before then though he called the Sunday before and wanted to talk. He came over and we spoke outside. He started crying and apologized for everything that he had done and said he did not realize he was capable of doing that to me and to himself. He asked if we could work things out and I told him I did not know. I told him he would have to show me he wanted to save our marriage. He went on his marry way and was staying on base in cheap housing. He stayed until his money ran out. Like I said, he was flat broke from running around all summer, to which he blamed me because I only had a part time job. That Monday I decided to talk to my lawyer and decided not to go through with divorce papers. I wanted to think things over and maybe try to salvage our marriage. I did not think it would be possible to love him again. I did not think it would be possible to ever trust him again. He called that Monday and told me he had set up an appt for marriage counseling and was eager to try and fix things. He also confided in someone at work, I cannot say who but someone higher up, and that he had told them everything even whom he had the affair with. This was really big because I know this person could have damaged his career. But I was surprised and thought he really wanted to make things right. This person knew what kind of person my H really was and knew the kind of person the OW was and felt he just fell into her web that she had done it before and she would do it again with someone else. Well we started counseling and within a few weeks I found a receipt. He had met her when I went out of town and had bought her a shot glass for her bday and a card. He missed her and still wanted to be with her. I had never seen him so distraught before. He was more upset to leave her than to lose me and what he had built together. He told me again it was over with her and then again I found more evidence pointing to this not being true. Come to find out he could only be without her for 2 weeks and again had lied, even at counseling. All the while saying counseling wasnt working. I do not understand how counseling can work if you do not do the steps the counselor suggests. I think he thought that if he goes to counseling he could just say he tried everything and it didnt work out. I kept nagging him saying that he had not tried except to say he was going. So I called the person he had told the whole truth to at his work and confided in them about the affair still going on. This person took him aside once again and told him it must stop. That his career was in jeopardy and that they could not be together anymore. If it happened again this person would be forced to go higher up and it would mean either a demotion or being kicked out of service. As far as I know the relationship stopped then. The OW works within his command which supposedly is a big no no for the service. The OW is just so not anyone I would believe my husband would want. She is so cocky and arrogant. I had texted her from my husbands phone once and told her to leave my H alone and she wrote back saying she was sorry I was insecure and had trust issues in my relationship but I was welcomed to call her husband with whom she had a great relationship with. All the while knowing she is screwing my husband. See her husband had a full time job and also went to school at night, just like mine, but also golfed on the weekends. So all the OW did was hang out with people from the command and get drunk every weekend and stay out. She is retiring in June of this year and I think she preyed on my H because sometimes he is naïve as well and I think she knew I would not go before the command and call them out because I would not want my H to lose his career, which meant hers was safe as well. And trust me I thought about it several times just to pay her back. But if I did that I would never be able to repair my marriage if that is what I wanted. I did find out from talking with my H about the affair that the OW made him feel good about himself, pumped up his ego and laughed at his jokes. He also liked her confidence and her smile. He seems to think he is going through a mid life crisis and does not know if he wants to be married and wants to see if he can make it on his own since he has never been on his own. He thinks the grass is greener on the other side. Maybe it is for him. I think he would regret his decision though if he left. He has had ample opportunities to leave but I think he realizes what he would lose and it keeps him staying put. He tried to go away on an IA but he is too critical in his command and they wouldnt let him. Actually he never put in his chit to go. I think he wanted to go for financial reasons and then I created him a budget and he seemed to feel more freedom with the budget and realized he could be ok with not going. After I read DB, I started looking at the little signs. There are more positives than negatives these days but still we go four spaces ahead and then there is one thing that happens and we have to start over from scratch again. He seemed unwilling to do little things that would help me gain back his trust. I would ask him to call if he was going to be late from work. He would call and say, I am leaving in 15 minutes and run by the store. He would show up 2½ hours later and wonder why I was upset. Then he would say I left work later than I thought I was going to. If that is the case simply call and say I am leaving later than I thought. It takes 30 seconds. I felt like I never received closure from the affair and then one day in counseling he said, well its over so I just figured it was done why are we still talking about it. Its so much more than the affair he said. In my mind, if I dont fully know if the affair is over or not how am I supposed to just automatically trust him again which he thought I should. I wonder how if we cant get past the affair how do we fix what was broken that got him to the point of having the A. I kept taking into account his feelings, but he never takes into account mine. And his mom made the statement to me this is not worth his career. So his cheating wasnt worth his career but the OW was. I was supposed to look the other way but he could keep cheating with her. I wasnt the one creating the circumstances for him to lose his career. He was. It was his choice to have the A. He took it to the next level. No matter what kind of relationship we had, he decided to act like he was in high school and that it was okay to swap partners if things werent going good. Instead of telling me he wasnt happy and we could seek help then, he stepped out on our marriage and chose to do it with someone he worked with that was forbidden. He still works with the OW. His career of choice makes it harder for him to change jobs or commands and the same for her leaving as well. They have direct contact weekly but I have no clue how much. Supposedly it is work related and that is it. Every day I wonder if he talks to her or if since the person at the command who forbid them to be together has left if it has started back up. If they have more contact at work or if they have started eating lunch together again. He always turns down my advances to meet for lunch and always seems to come up with an excuse. Every Friday for the past 3 weeks he has had going away luncheons, in which spouses are never invited to. This command has been so different from all the others because they do not include their spouses in anything. Its like they are all having a big orgy or something. After the luncheons they always end up doing something afterwards so he ends up having like half a day off and doesnt usually get home until after 7. He says it is frowned upon if he doesn’t go. They want people to participate. I am sure he could go without going to the after party, but who am I to judge or think otherwise. I know it is a daily struggle to trust him again and that I have good days thinking we can work things out and he is over her to having bad days thinking he is not at work and is with her. Your mind plays so many tricks on you. I have tried to employ things I learned from DB but sometimes it is so hard. I think how in the world can anyone do this? It seems so simple but yet when the moment hits and he stays out late despite my concerns I hit the roof. Then we are at square one again. I have so much hurt and anger in my heart that it was causing me to forgo helping myself. I dwelled on being a victim of the OW and even though I have tried to better myself, I have failed miserably. Also his mom pretty much hates me. I heard a VM from her saying if he wanted to put away money in another account so when we got divorced I wouldnt know it was there she would gladly help him. I confronted him about it and he did take my side saying it was something he would never do nor even think about doing. He called his mom and told her he couldnt believe she would come up with something like that. He took my defense which is all I wanted. I didnt need to apology for being a mom and looking out for her only son to whom she ignores often. This is the one time she has played an active role in his life. Who has never been there for his career of 16 years. Who now seems happy his marriage is in jeopardy. She is trying to be the mother who neglected her son for the past 20 years of his life. Her reaction to my finding out about the phone call was that I should have access to his cell phone. We have always been open when it comes to messages and phone calls, well except during his A. He has talked to her twice in the 2 months since then. When she wanted to talk to me to apologize I asked him not to give me the phone that I didnt need her apology. He kept holding out the phone. I finally took the phone and when I heard her voice I did what I knew would happen if I did. I blessed her out for not being there, told her I didnt need her apology and accused her of never liking me or trying to be a part of our lives. I told her if she really knew me and knew the kind of person I really was, she never would have suggested what she did. These are the things I have dealt with as a result of HIS A. I get the backlash and the words from other people while he gets nothing. Last weekend I decided even though he hasnt given me everything I need to heal from this journey, I was going to do it for myself and maybe if I can change myself, he will give me the final pieces I need in order to completely heal down the road when he is ready. I made a conscious decision last weekend to forgive him for what he had done. It didnt mean I couldnt still have moments of hurting or going backwards with trust, but it was more of a point to move forward. Trust is something that has to be earned and I dont yet completely trust him. I will put my faith in him and see from there if he can build back the trust in time. See he only left for 5 days in the beginning. Then he came back home and slept on the couch. He then moved back into bed with me, but we have yet to this day to be intimate. We have the friend relationship; we have yet to find our way back to being complete husband and wife and finding the spark. We go out to dinner, we go to movies, we go shopping, we watch TV, and we hang out with our friends who support us in what we have endured. We dont kiss and we barely touch unless we find ourselves inadvertently touch each other sitting on the couch or reach out for the other person like we used to do that is so natural. I think I am scared to touch him secretly because I think he will not want me again like that because of the OW and I think he is afraid of my reaction to him touching me and if his feelings for the OW will resurface. I dont know but can only assume we are both scared of what is next. I told him I loved him and I cared about him and for that reason I was forgiving him for the affair. He didnt respond but I later saw him go into the bathroom and come out and it appeared he had been crying. I dont need him to say anything. I just need to find a way to move on and get the compulsive feelings and thoughts out of my head. I have felt a total wave of relief since I told him I forgave him. I have found it easier not to get upset with him when he is late. I try not to nag to him about being late. Yesterday I didnt even answer the phone when he called to tell me he had to work late. He called the house, my cell phone and the house again. He wouldnt have done that a month ago. He also fixed the grill last night and I gave him lots of props for doing so. Positive reinforcements. I feel like if I can really stick with the steps in DB he will come around. We just need to find our spark again. Its been a while since we have had them. Until then I am trying to be patient. He talks about the future. I feel like if he didnt want to be here, he would not talk about the future. We are not in counseling anymore. He felt like it wasnt working. We stopped going over a month ago. I feel like if he sees us improving he will agree to go back when he is ready. I think you have to be willing and not forced to do something or else it is not going to work. I just take things one day at a time. I am now working on myself to improve things and hopefully he will realize he is not alone in wanting a better future and a different future, but to be there together in the end. Wow, I didnt realize how long my story was…and I left a bunch out. How therapeutic to write about what you have been through. I just know after finding this message board and reading this book, I am not alone. I hope one day to say that this book helped in saving my marriage. I would love more than anything to be one of the positive stories in a future book and I can say DB worked for me as well. I would love to hear from anyone going through what I am going through. Any advice would be welcomed.
Just wanted to say hi and welcome. Although I have moved on to Surviving, this is a great board, great people here. Sounds like you could actually move to piecing, or at least read up over there for advice. The journey you are beginning (your husband coming home) is the hardest part, I hear.
I am sorry your husband didn't do what you needed after the affair was over. That's not a good feeling. But it seems like he is trying a little more now. Maybe the bump you got over (letting the affair go a bit, asserting yourself with his mom, taking your happiness and creating it for yourself) helped him get over a bump.
I am sure you have heard of Retrovaille (always spell it wrong). I would look into it, and encourage your husband to continue some form of healing process with you, whether its a weekend getaway or a new counselor.
Do you still live with your mom? Is it possible for you guys to start fresh in a new place, for yourselves? I don't think I read if you have kids or not either.
LostNLife, I hate to have to say this but welcome to our forum. It's not an easy road. I must say that it sounds like your H is going through all the typical WS syndromes. I think you should def look in piecing for some advice but do stick around here for a while. Hope we can help. Stay strong, stay positive, and do some GALing activities for yourself. It so helps to keep your emotions under control. Good luck and as Michele says, if you want your marriage to change, you have to change. But remember that doesn't mean doing all the work on your part and going above and beyond in pursuit mode. I think that is one of my mistakes when H and I were trying to work things out. Good luck and we're here to offer advice if needed.
Thank you so much for the warm welcome. I will definately check out the board you suggested. I have friends I talk to but no one that can relate so its nice to find people going through the same challenges.
He did tell me the other day he regreted what he did and I believe he does to a point. He does seem to be trying more with certain things and I do take that as small steps. I realized after reading DB everything matters no matter how small.
I was so hopeless this same time last week, but since I decided to forgive him and just try to move on from the hurt and anger and make myself happy, I have seen small improvements on his side too. Its hard to forgo your own feelings sometimes.
I have tried to get my H to go away for the weekend and the last time I asked he was willing, but then he had a big test that Monday and also something else came up so we never went. He was willing to go this time which before he totally dismissed the idea. So that was a plus.
I also mentioned the other night that I think it had been over a month that we had been to see the counselor and he said really, already. So I am not sure if he would be willing to go back yet but I didnt want to push the issue.
We do still live with my mom but unfortunately we are sorta stuck. We have too much debt to get our own place. I did create a budget for us to follow and my H seems to feel less burdened by our debt, which I believe is one of the issues in our M that bothers him. I think he feels like it is his doing and he cant get us out quickly enough. That is one thing I am trying to improve and are currently trying to find full time employment. Its been really rough though with the economy and it hasnt been easy having success. We have no kids.
Thanks so much for taking the time to read that long story of mine. Didnt realize you couldnt edit it later on. I am so glad I found this forum. It has already helped alot.
The biggest problem for me is keeping my emotions under control. I think that stems from trying to understand what my H is going through and him not doing the same for me. I found I kept playing the victim role too much and I figured out that the OW does not deserve to have that much power over me. I am not going to let her ruin my mood everyday.
I am on my way to checking out the other boards you suggested. Thanks again for the encouraging words. It does help!
I submitted another post on the same boards with a condensed version of my story. I took the first two replies' advice and realized it was way too long. Was new and didnt know what to tell and what to leave out or that I should use paragraphs. Just got on a roll. So thank you all who reads the long story version and can get through it. I appreciate your time and patience with a newby.
vickydI found I kept playing the victim role too much and I figured out that the OW does not deserve to have that much power over me. I am not going to let her ruin my mood everyday.
Attagirl!!!
If you let them ruin your day, then she will have beat you TWICE.
My H is in the service... An affair is a violation of the Uniform Code of Military Justice, Punishable by demotion, dishonorable discharge or jail time. It is made even worse when the OW is another military personnel, and EVEN worse when they are married themselves. Now they are both in trouble.
I told on him. Called the captain and showed him phone bills proving contact, gave him the OW's H's name, he was a coastie too. I absolutely do not regret it. He was given a stop contact order, very disgraceful, and ordered to cease and desist. I claimed innocence when he asked me if I had done it..heehee.. As far as Im concerned shining some light on it using a tool that I had at my disposal was the right thing to do, and I know its not always the case, but this time they had my back. The Chaplain here was civilian, but the chaplain at sector is an officer, he is the one who actually recommended this site to me. It felt like finally, after following this career around for years, they were doing something for me!
You also can talk to the um, FOH I think, or maybe Work/Life, I dont remember quite, but you should have no problem getting in touch with a Chaplain. Tricare will pay for up to 6 sessions for you to talk to a counselor, no charge, no questions asked, and the FOH will pay for you to have a consultation with a lawyer, if it comes to that. If your chaplain is an officer he can order your H to get a psych evaluation, suicide risk assessment, all kinds of things... petty, I know. But seriously, talking to a chaplain might help alot, even if you arent religious, he can help to support you in your struggle for your marriage.
Dont tell your housing friends, this sort of thing spreads like wildfire among the military wives... Not to talk smack, but keeping it on the sly from them, and only going through professional channels, or a truly trusted confidant will really be in your best interest.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
