I think I just need to let things just be... that's why I said I was done actively DB'ing. I'll give you they why, and then just let things sit for awhile...
Friday night H and I went to a fundraiser for the kids' school (s). I put extra effort into my appearance (had lost some weight, was newly highlighted - BLONDER, had a great new haircut, SUPERB new dress, great new shoes, etc...). Well, I get ready, and the only thing H says is, "Wow, you can certainly spot you in that dress." (The dress was a bold print.)
We go to the event and one of my best friends, says... "Gee, H, doesn't your wife's dress look great on her?" (Now, she knows the sitch, a little bit... but was not fishing for a compliment for me... not at all.) H says, "That's a dress? I thought it was a blouse and skirt." That's all. Nothing else. Etc... I talk for a minute, completely not paying attention because I'm hurt, and excuse myself and go to the women's room in tears.
I come out, make some sorry excuse for where I went (only gone 2 min), and we carry on... After dinner, while at the table, one of the student's who is working the event, comes and asks me about some pricing on the wine auction (I handled that.) I get up and go help him with the pricing, and it takes a little while. I then go to the restroom, and head back through the main area where the auction is, to get to our table. H is TICKED that I took so long, and makes a few sarcastic comments. (Odd, because he has just as many friends there, is sitting with my best friends H, etc...) I apologize to him, and tell him what I needed to take care of. In the meantime, he really wasn't going to let it go. I tear up again, and excuse myself. I head out the front door, to my car, and txt him, requesting him to come out and talk to me for a minute so I can explain (briefly) why I had to escape for a minute.
He comes out, won't get in the car, stands outside my window and says there is nothing to talk about. He gets in his car (drove separate since I had to go early), and leaves. I follow him for a few minutes but decide to go home.
I go against everything I've learned in the past four months, and txt and call him until he replies. He, for the most part, is blaming me for being too emotional, and can't believe this started because he didn't know a dress from a skirt/blouse. BULLS*IT. He knows what the problem was, and wouldn't admit he just wouldn't pay me a compliment. He tells me that things have been more tolerable over the past four months, but nothing has changed. He doesn't want to be married to me, is not in love with me, etc... He says he will just kill himself, as he doesn't want the boys growing up going between our homes, having issues with holidays, etc... He starts by telling me he's already purchased a gun, then back-pedals and says, well, he's paid for it, and is picking it up, then back-pedals again and says, he is going to get it in a few weeks to months, etc... He has been working to put our financial stuff in order so I won't have any problems. I call him a coward and as*hole. Tell him he doesn't have the balls to try and make this work, would rather sit around miserable and stupid. I have seen his interest in the past four months, have felt his desire to be with us, and have seen his satisfaction being home and in our lives. He's a lying coward, and won't put the work in to make "US" work... would rather be a miserable f*ck. I ask him to please admit if he's found someone else, as it would be much easier to deal with than his cold, highly erected WALL he's put up, etc.. He claims there is no one; if there was, he wouldn't rather be dead.
Nice, huh?
Well, in the meantime, he is out just driving around, all night. And, at the same time, D17 has left the fundraiser (was working at it), and has gone to the local bowling alley (she works as a b-day party hostess there) to visit a friend that had to work in the snack bar.) H gets a call from the bar manager there (H knows him from another life, and talks to him since we visit D17 at work sometimes), and says they need us to pick-up D17 since she was caught, on camera, with a beer in her hand, and putting it up to her mouth. NICE!!! So, H calls me and tells me the story, says he talked to D17, and she claims she wasn't drinking, as some creep guy bought it for her, she pretended to drink it, and as soon as he walked away she gave it to someone right by her that was 21. H tells me to bring the breathalizer (yes, we own one... high schooler's are NOT angels, and if you think yours is, your head is buried in sand.), as we'll see if she's telling the truth. I go and pick her up, breathalize her, and she blows a 0.00. She's telling the truth about the drinking, but did handle the open alcohol. They let me take her home...
H stays away that night, and says he'll come back in the am, and stay home if I don't rehash everything. He comes back in the am, after we've left for S9's soccer game, showers and meets us there. H is distant, and not thrilled to be by me. Wonder why? I take S9 and S12 out to lunch, and H surprises us by following us there, coming in, and eating with us. (He had thought he needed to go talk to owner of the bowling alley.) Lunch is ok, had S12's soccer game next, and then home. H goes to talk to owner of bowling alley, and they apologize, and feel awful (since she's a superb employee), but she's on tape and admitted she took a sip of the beer. H tells them not to feel bad. Teens make dumb choices and this will be a good learning experience. No hard feelings, but D17 is not sitting at home pouting all day (no phone, no "events" etc...) We made her sit down and think about choices, and write a letter of apology to our friends that own the bowling alley, even though they still adore her.
H falls asleep early in front of the TV in the basement. Sunday, he takes the boys to do some pre-planned stuff during the day, and I stayed home. D17 did a volunteer project. I made dinner for all of us (new recipes, really out of the box.) They all loved it, and we had an okay dinner. Watched American Idol w/H last night, and he left to go to work, late... He came up and hugged and kissed me goodbye before he left... Nothing warm, and most likely, mechanical, but did it nonetheless.
Today, I sent him a txt that said:
I'm really sorry for Friday night. It was the result of four months of suppressed emotions, and trying hard not to pressure you. I hope you understand a little. I won't bring it up again. I'll just keep trying to improve upon myself, and hopefully you'll want to be with me again.
No reply. But I don't expect one. And, I won't bring it up again.
How's that for awful?
I'm truly just leaving it be. It is what it is. I have three kids to handle. If he can't understand how hard this is on me, and give me a small break when I need just an ounce of support.... STUPID
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
I think people just get plain battle fatigue after awhile. If you could talk to a DB coach, I think it might get your motor running again. I think I can understand how frustrated you would be. You are a better person than I am. I probably wouldn't put up with him......but everyone to their own taste...right? Anyway, I wish I knew something to tell you, but talking to a DB coach would probably be the way to go before you just give up.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sorry..I just can't help my damn self..call me a glutton for punishment
god...what if you only get stuck with me posting to you that's a scary thought..
I had pretty high hopes...and actually thought you were doing ok until you acted like you were walking away..even tried to create some drama when you left the board
I think we create our own misery. I think you're doing the same things we all did...and we have tried to warn you..but those damn emotions just get in the way don't they?
so..I now have a question...do you really want to "work"? work on yourself??
Mike, no drama intended. I didn't act like I was walking away... I just wasn't so sure this was for me anymore.
I can't find the capability in me to detach.
I'm hurt to the core. I've put a good fight with my emotions, but you can only be "rejected" for so long, and it gets to you...
I just don't know what to do.
I feel like I just need to calm down, do what worked before, and let it be for now... without expectation. I feel for H, as he can't express himself without going off the deep end. There's a fine line between numb, and irate, if there is any communication regarding us.
I can't be rejected forever.
It's not healthy. It's making me not healthy.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
I'm hurt to the core. I've put a good fight with my emotions, but you can only be "rejected" for so long, and it gets to you...
I just don't know what to do.
I know exactly how you feel, I feel the same way. Every day I hope for just a little bit of relief, and every day I inevitably end up in tears, several times, unpredictably.
I keep coming back here because sometimes I find support from someone else who has gone through what I have, and sometimes I find someone who has shared an insight about themselves that I can see within myself.
I'm sorry that you are feeling so down right now, but maybe this might give a small bit of insight. It's a metaphor that my Mom shared with me.
Think of your situation like a bird in a cage. You can flap your wings, crash into the bars, beat yourself senseless, and at the end of the day you're still in the cage, just battered and broken.
Or, you can sit on your swing and sing. Be happy that there's food and water for you, be happy that the cat can't get you, be happy you are not outside in the freezing weather with the other birds. And who knows, maybe that door will open some day. Be strong for when that moment happens.
Wow! Ok. Not sure where to start. Have you read the book boundaries? I'd start w that. Are you seeing a therapist? Why do you feel it's ok to be disrespected like that? Figure that out and you might be able to work this out. It doesn't matter what you did to him in the past. You need to always demand respect. Once you become a doormat and is always giving and the other person is taking the respect is gone. It will always lead to resentment and despair. Start setting boundaries for yourself and your kids or it's only going to get worse. Most of us on this board were enablers. See where it got us. Tough love is sometimes necessary to show real love.
Hello... nice to meet you. (Sure sucks to meet here, though!) I have to tell you. You gave me a good chuckle, and I could user everyone of those I can get.
Your login name is song, and your metaphor about the bird sitting in the cage singing... How appropriate! Easily amused these days, I guess!
I like your mom. Kind of a lemons to lemonade kind of lady, huh?
Thank you for stopping by, and offering something positive to this misery!
I bounce back quick. I'm on the verge of pulling together the ammunition for battle again. I just need to figure out what that ammunition is!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Wonder why? I take S9 and S12 out to lunch, and H surprises us by following us there, coming in, and eating with us. (He had thought he needed to go talk to owner of the bowling alley.) Lunch is ok, had S12's soccer game next, and then home. H goes to talk to owner of bowling alley, and they apologize, and feel awful (since she's a superb employee), but she's on tape and admitted she took a sip of the beer. H tells them not to feel bad. Teens make dumb choices and this will be a good learning experience. No hard feelings, but D17 is not sitting at home pouting all day (no phone, no "events" etc...) We made her sit down and think about choices, and write a letter of apology to our friends that own the bowling alley, even though they still adore her.
that's a scary thought..