Thank you for responding. I will be careful. I don't have control over anything except me. She's not even acting like herself...she used to never curse in front of our kids, and would never think of 'using' the children in our difficulties. It's like I'm dealing with somebody that I don't know right now.
Remember one of DB's underlying assumptions - don't believe the majority of what you hear, see, etc.
Me: 34 WAW: 33 M: 4 T: 7 K: B2, B1 Bomb 12/08, sep in same house W moved out 2/09 w/K
She insists that there is nobody else, and she is forceful about it. She says that I've driven her to feel this way towards me and it's just getting worse and worse. She says she is not going back to what she left. She say's I may think I have changed but that she's looking at the same person who treated her bad for years. She say's she doesn't even know who I am anymore, which is fine with her because she doesn't care anymore. She say's she doesn't care for me at all anymore. She also says that she has been thinking about filing for divorce. She say's this...and so many other painful things today. I'm hurt and numb at the same time.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
She insists that there is nobody else, and she is forceful about it.
The problem here is, ALL CHEATERS LIE. Period. So her denials mean nothing.
I would be shocked if there weren't at least an emotional attachment or emotional affair (EA) going on here. The sudden shift in her demeanor and even values is a telltale sign.
What do I do at this point? Do I just leave her alone and hope that she doesn't file for a divorce? I've been trying to focus on our kids and my job. But she continues to hate me more and more because of our past.
Last edited by antlers; 04/01/0905:38 PM.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Yep that's about the only thing you can do, at this point. That gets the focus off you and onto her. Just focus on your kids and job you'll be fine in the end, it's tough trust me but it does get better.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
Antlers You focus on you & your kids, keep compassion & validation first & foremost in ANY dealings with her. Did you get the Love without hurt book by Stosny?
If she says she wants a divorce, validate it. If she says she hates you, validate it. Can you understand WHY after living with the 'old antlers' all those years she'd hate you & want a divorce? Then tell her that when she mentions it.
I'm not sure she's hating you more & more... she may just be finally verbalizing it. It's like a infected sore...it needs to be acknowledged it's there, lanced, drained, pressure relieved... to allow it to heal.
I'd say you are in the it just was lanced stage... the pus needs to drain out for a while.
something else to keep in mind... she may be just as angry at herself for staying in that type of situation and not 'doing' more about it, as she is at you.
As far as filing for the divorce.. you can't stop her, you can hope all you want.... it takes two to get married but really only one to get divorced.
You can just keep working at being a better man, such that she might at some point, stop & recognize the real substantive, consistant changes. But it will be a while for that to happen..
give her space & time to heal those wounds. It has to drain first before it can heal...
work on you.... patience, integrity, sincerity, honor, compassion.
Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
I know that's what makes it so hard at first. Just don't do what I did, call ALL THE TIME. It just sux that you can't talk to your W whenever you want but feel like anyone else can. It makes no sense, but it's the only way. The way I've thought about it is like two magnets with the same "polls" the one moves forward the other back. I kept trying to move forward (ie pursuing)she would just keep moving back.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
Thank you for responding. I especially appreciate your particular point of view. I know that she feels all of the things that you say she does. But this is the 1st time that she has ever mentioned divorce since we've been married. I am numb and hurt at the same time.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
