Newly separated...spouse left.

[antlers]

Bridgestone...I understand. Maybe it was a poor choice of words on my part. I know that it has to be different...I don't want the old one back either. I see things so differently now, and I feel so differently now, and I know a lot more now than I have in the past. I'm still working on myself and I know that I have lots of work to do. It will be a new beginning and a new relationship with new interactions...and hopefully I'll get the chance. I certainly take responsibility for what I've done. Again, your particular insight is certainly appreciated. Thank you.

[antlers]

Do I just keep on doing what I'm doing? Will she eventually cool down and think things over, and maybe gain some perspective? Right now, she acts like she hates me. I've been working on our house, trying to make it more livable for our kids and I when they are with me. The treatment and rejection that I've gotten from her is painful and awful. Is this how it felt to her when I was mistreating her? She's been gone from our house for 5 weeks now. I've had no direct contact with her for 6 days now...it's the best I've done since we've been apart. It's tempting to ask questions, but she doesn't want that at all! Sounds like, from going to counseling and reading here...that this is something that's gonna take a long time. It's hard to live this way. But, she's worth it, and our marriage is worth it. She is now like a different person than the one I've known for all these years.

[antlers]

Hey, don't forget about me guys. I'm new here, and I'm new to these principles that are being discussed here. Your input and encouragement are really appreciated. I read today to do whatever you can to make the other person happy and avoid anything that makes the other person unhappy. Kind of like start doing what works and stop doing what doesn't work. It's hard to just do nothing, as far as the relationship goes. "I want you to leave me alone" is pretty clear. This means no phone calls, no texting, no communication at all. She doesn't even want us to see each other when we hand our kids off to each other. "For better or worse...", "good times and bad..." - things are pretty bad right now, and "worse" sort of describes the way things are right now too. But I feel more committed to my wife and our marriage now than I ever have. We've been separated now for about 3 and 1/2 months, and she's been out of our home for about 5 weeks. It seems like forever to me.

[antlers]

Good gosh! Her anger at me is hard to deal with with! Last night my 12 y/o daughter had a concert, and I went there after work. My 11 y/o son found me and said that mom didn't want me to sit with her! So my son and I sat together. She has made it clear to me that she didn't want me to communicate with her, and I respected that. My son said that she knew he was leaving with me after the concert, and that she would bring our daughter over afterwards. He wanted wings for dinner, so I ordered Buffalo Wild Wings ahead of time and would pick them up and be back home before they got there. She called enroute..."where are you?" And I told her. She said "you are so fu!@#$% inconsiderate! You better be at home when I get there!" She said this and some other curse words with our daughter in the back seat behind her. When she was in the driveway, I told her that I was not a doormat, in a calm and low toned voice. She said that I was inconsiderate, in a hateful tone. I lwt her know that she made it clear to me that she wanted no communication with me, and I respected that. Otherwise, I would have communicated with you. Incidentally, she had a meeting with my sons teacher yesterday about behavior at school...and she didn't tell me. And she took our daughter to the doctor yesterday...abd she didn't tell me. That's inconsiderate! I didn't mention either. Her continued, and increasing anger at me is confusing and hard to take.

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

antlers--

First, thanks for dropping by my thread last night! I was working on school, so I did not get a chance to go looking for yours last night.

One thing about her anger and absolute no contact that concerns me--it seems like she needs to distance herself as quickly and as much as possible. While you have admitted you were a complete jerk, this level of distance still concerns me about the possibility of an OM. My DH became incredibly distant and angry all of the sudden and I chalked it up to work stress. I later found out that he had been involved with the OW for about a month at that point.

You are doing a good job deflecting her anger. I would say, though, that you do not need to be a doormat. No one deserves to be talked to the way that she talk to you. You might want to establish some boundaries. Women do not like doormats, they like and want men they can respect. That does not mean stooping to her level, but instead finding a level of compassionate understand to relate to her, but without devaluing yourself.

Bridgestone and Smartcookie are good women to get these ideas and goals from, as they have both been in your wife's shoes.

If you want love and respect from others, you need to first have love and respect for yourself, That will come from your closer walk with the Lord.

Living God's blessigns with grace and dignity~
SMW

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Good gosh! Her anger at me is hard to deal with with! Last night my 12 y/o daughter had a concert, and I went there after work. My 11 y/o son found me and said that mom didn't want me to sit with her! So my son and I sat together. She has made it clear to me that she didn't want me to communicate with her, and I respected that. My son said that she knew he was leaving with me after the concert, and that she would bring our daughter over afterwards. He wanted wings for dinner, so I ordered Buffalo Wild Wings ahead of time and would pick them up and be back home before they got there. She called enroute..."where are you?" And I told her. She said "you are so fu!@#$% inconsiderate! You better be at home when I get there!" She said this and some other curse words with our daughter in the back seat behind her. When she was in the driveway, I told her that I was not a doormat, in a calm and low toned voice. She said that I was inconsiderate, in a hateful tone. I lwt her know that she made it clear to me that she wanted no communication with me, and I respected that. Otherwise, I would have communicated with you. Incidentally, she had a meeting with my sons teacher yesterday about behavior at school...and she didn't tell me. And she took our daughter to the doctor yesterday...abd she didn't tell me. That's inconsiderate! I didn't mention either. Her continued, and increasing anger at me is confusing and hard to take.

Sounds like it's time for some boundary-setting (and enforcing). GOOD JOB on your reaction last nite.

You BOTH need to make sure that -- in this strained time -- you're not communicating through your children. It's damaging to them (they shouldn't be put in the middle), and -- frankly -- somewhat childish.

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

One thing about her anger and absolute no contact that concerns me--it seems like she needs to distance herself as quickly and as much as possible. While you have admitted you were a complete jerk, this level of distance still concerns me about the possibility of an OM. My DH became incredibly distant and angry all of the sudden and I chalked it up to work stress. I later found out that he had been involved with the OW for about a month at that point.

This concerns me as well (I know, I know -- big surprise there). WASs often project sudden anger when they resent the positive changes in the LBS, now that the WAS has done something that violated their own previous moral code. It's as if they're saying "I am LIVID that YOU MADE ME DO SOMETHING SO REPRIHENSIBLE, and only NOW you are making positive changes! IF YOU HAD DONE THESE THINGS BEFORE, I WOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO CHEAT ON YOU!"

Not saying that's happening here, but it IS the script, so please be careful.

Puppy

[Vol...]

antlers,

Wanted to stop by and say hello. I appreciate the reply and immediately started reading your sitch - I posted a reply in my thread, but the below is basically a copy through which I hope you find some support and strength. I'm pulling for you too.

I see many similarities with the two of ours - especially the difficulties in trying to respect her space, re-engineer every part of our communication skill-set, and letting go for her sake.

W and I haven't talked for a couple of days after I directly asked about the possibility of OM - she was incredibly insulted, I formally apologized and then shut up about it - but we haven't talked for a while. Don't repeat that mistake - I was simply consumed by my own insecurities and have been completely overwhelmed with what lies before me. For W and I that's about the longest it's been since we haven't actually communicated so I know where you are coming from. It's really hard sometimes... catching myself in the midst of a backslide is probably the worst feeling on earth - repeating the old habits over and over with the same results... it's a cliche I know, but I must be insane.

You seem to be doing great things in your own life for which you have my respect. Keep it up. Don't lose sight of you and working on you for the sake of you - not for anything else. I know this is hard - I can relate to every emotion you express in your posts. I don't have this figured out completely, but one thing that has helped me is the following realization:

Imagine the image of God giving free will to man and woman knowing that the majority of them would choose to defy, curse, ignore or even separate from Him. All he wants is a relationship with them and ultimately their souls - but he's given them the choice not to share that desire. Even when he first knew of their individual names, he'd already 'let go of the rope' because he unconditionally loves them and will always be there when and if they choose to return. There is no pressure, there is no pushing away, there is no inexplicable 'human response' that only results in more hurt, guilt, etc. Now imagine if you can only endeavor to try hard and put aside your natural human responses and learn to exhibit his example. If you can, attempt to put yourself in his shoes when you look at your wife. Not an easy task, but its worthwhile. In my case, this has begun to shed some light on just what this will take to overcome, but it has also been very healthy for me too.

Now, as a very human being, I am not even near this kind of perfection - but I'm determined to get as close as I possibly can. And this image serves as an analogy that has helped me face the difficulties before me. Because what I know now is that any interaction with my wife is precious and I must make every one of them count - even if it seemingly runs counter to nearly everything I have been raised to believe. Try to put your own feelings aside and make this completely about her. Use God's example to guide you. As you know this is actually the fight we have before us, and it isn't WITH W - its FOR both of US and each of our respective W's as it relates to the M.

[antlers]

antlers,

Wanted to stop by and say hello. I appreciate the reply and immediately started reading your sitch - I posted a reply in my thread, but the below is basically a copy through which I hope you find some support and strength. I'm pulling for you too.

I see many similarities with the two of ours - especially the difficulties in trying to respect her space, re-engineer every part of our communication skill-set, and letting go for her sake.

W and I haven't talked for a couple of days after I directly asked about the possibility of OM - she was incredibly insulted, I formally apologized and then shut up about it - but we haven't talked for a while. Don't repeat that mistake - I was simply consumed by my own insecurities and have been completely overwhelmed with what lies before me. For W and I that's about the longest it's been since we haven't actually communicated so I know where you are coming from. It's really hard sometimes... catching myself in the midst of a backslide is probably the worst feeling on earth - repeating the old habits over and over with the same results... it's a cliche I know, but I must be insane.

You seem to be doing great things in your own life for which you have my respect. Keep it up. Don't lose sight of you and working on you for the sake of you - not for anything else. I know this is hard - I can relate to every emotion you express in your posts. I don't have this figured out completely, but one thing that has helped me is the following realization:

Imagine the image of God giving free will to man and woman knowing that the majority of them would choose to defy, curse, ignore or even separate from Him. All he wants is a relationship with them and ultimately their souls - but he's given them the choice not to share that desire. Even when he first knew of their individual names, he'd already 'let go of the rope' because he unconditionally loves them and will always be there when and if they choose to return. There is no pressure, there is no pushing away, there is no inexplicable 'human response' that only results in more hurt, guilt, etc. Now imagine if you can only endeavor to try hard and put aside your natural human responses and learn to exhibit his example. If you can, attempt to put yourself in his shoes when you look at your wife. Not an easy task, but its worthwhile. In my case, this has begun to shed some light on just what this will take to overcome, but it has also been very healthy for me too.

Now, as a very human being, I am not even near this kind of perfection - but I'm determined to get as close as I possibly can. And this image serves as an analogy that has helped me face the difficulties before me. Because what I know now is that any interaction with my wife is precious and I must make every one of them count - even if it seemingly runs counter to nearly everything I have been raised to believe. Try to put your own feelings aside and make this completely about her. Use God's example to guide you. As you know this is actually the fight we have before us, and it isn't WITH W - its FOR both of US and each of our respective W's as it relates to the M.

Thank you for the awesome realization that you presented to me! I will use it! And thank you for your response. This is the closest thing to dying, while still being alive, that I can imagine. Every time she blows up, or says another hurtful thing, or shows that she can't stand me...crushes me.

[antlers]

Thank you for responding. I will be careful. I don't have control over anything except me. She's not even acting like herself...she used to never curse in front of our kids, and would never think of 'using' the children in our difficulties. It's like I'm dealing with somebody that I don't know right now.