My husband and I have been married for 11 years and have 3 kids ages 15, 10, & 9. Two weeks before this last Christmas I found out that he was having an EA with someone he met in a chat room (she lives in England). I was devastated. He promised to end the EA and stated that she knew all along if I were to find out then he would choose me over her with no question. I started to try dealing with the EA and trying to understand why it all started. The day after Christmas I found a hidden screen name that he had been using to communicate with her throughout the holiday season. Again I was devastated and confronted him. This time he said that he couldn't do it anymore and that he was tired of trying to make our marriage work. He said that he hadn't loved me for the past three years and that he had been faking it the whole time. This was news to me. I thought the past three years had been some of our happiest. We had come close to separating three years before but decided to stay together and had fallen in love all over again. His parents, on the other hand, had gotten divorced around the time we recommitted to our relationship. As a result of the divorce and other hardships we had to admit his mother into the mental ward of her local hospital. Of course I did the whole begging and pleading thing which did nothing but get him to say the whole I love you but I'm not in love you with you line.
By the end of the conversation he revealed that he needed to go to rehab for an addiction to pain meds and that he had been taking our son's Adderal for the past several days. The following day (12/27) was our 11th anniversary. We spent the day together and it was fairly decent. He told me that he still loved me and that he didn't know what he wanted and that he hoped going to rehab would be the beginning of figuring things out. I hoped so too. He went into rehab on 1/1/09 and stayed for 10 days. While in rehab he was diagnosed as having rapid cycling Bipolar II disorder and was placed on Celexa.
He came home and things seemed to be starting out well. I was trying to be understanding and he was trying to be sober in the same situation he had been trying to cope with high. Let me back track for a moment. He's been unemployed since Jan '08. His license is suspended because of unpaid tickets and he has a bench warrant for a failure to appear in court. He originally had planned to stay home with the kids until they went back to school in the summer and then look for a job in town.
After a few days of being at home he started becoming withdrawn. He said that he couldn't handle being around me and that he felt that I was the only thing that was triggering him to want to get high again. He said that I caused physical reactions in him. He would start to get itchy when I was around and when I was about to come home from work he would get panic attacks and start to feel anxious. For the life of me I couldn't/can't understand what I could have possibly done that would cause these kinds of reactions in him. He ended up moving onto the couch and pretty much only talking to me if necessary. It got to the point that he would ask me to leave the living room because he did not want me in the same room. Those were some of the most hurtful things I have ever heard come from him. This was a man who would tell me that I was the love of his life, that I was the female version of him, that I was every man's dream wife. This same man was now telling me that he couldn't stand to be around me. When I would ask him why he wouldn't be able to answer. He would only say, "I don't know, it's just how I'm feeling."
He moved out 3 weeks ago. The week he was leaving I found out that he was once again talking to his online GF (he had stopped talking to her just before he went to rehab, or so he claims). This time he didn't want to stop. He says that he has feelings for her and that he doesn't know where their relationship is going to go. He's now talking divorce and saying that there is no hope for us whatsoever and that I need to learn how to live life without him. The kids were over at his house yesterday and he was texting his GF while cuddling with our daughter. She actually saw some of what he was saying to her and told me when she got home. Can we say daggers being jabbed into my heart?
I am reading DR and trying like hell to use the techniques suggested. I've done some 180s and have not contacted him unless it was about the kids, I'm trying to be happy and positive whenever I'm in his presence, and I'm not talking about the R or the OW. I'm also going back to school for a degree in radiology this summer. I have no clue if he's noticing these things and missing me or if he's noticing them and thinking sweet, she's moving on.
So there's my story in a nutshell (a really big one). I've left out some things, but I think I've gone on long enough. Thanks for reading. Any comments would be greatly appreciated.
Meli, I am really sorry about your sitch and the reasons that brought you here, but you are definitely in the right place for some world-class advice and commiseration. As you read other folks' threads here, you will find many similarities between the stories and the situations. Find out what has worked, and what hasn't worked for others. It will really open your eyes.
What about you? What do you want out of this relationship? Clearly you are here, and are reading DR, so I'm going to assume that you want to save your marriage. Realize that saving your M is really a by-product of your DB efforts. You need to put all the focus on you and your kids right now. Improve yourself for the sake of improving yourself and being a better mother. The spill-over effect is that you *may* become more attractive to your H when the fog lifts.
Keep posting here and keep reading DR. Work on your GAL activities and keeping a PMA. The roller-coaster is just beginning for you so be strong for you and your kids.
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
Thanks for the response PortlandDad. I've been thinking alot about what I want out of our relationship. I want to work out the reasons why he felt he needed to turn to someone else. I know I'm not perfect and that there were some things lacking in our relationship to make him feel this was needed. I'd also like to reconnect and become friends again. I'd settle for a good conversation right about now. I miss our relationship. I miss my husband. I know that right now there's nothing I can do to change the situation because it's going to take both of us. I'm just focusing on working on myself and being with my kids. That's all I can do right now.
Meli, You sound like you have your head and your expectations right where they need to be. It is common for the LBS to have feelings of inadequacy. No one is perfect in all aspects of their marriage at all times. We all could have done better at this or that. We all have our faults and weaknesses. We have all said the wrong thing at the wrong time.
Whatever your H was looking for in the OW, it was not your fault that he started his EA. That is his character flaw, not yours. Don't become overly negative on yourself for his faults and failures. Keeping that in mind will help you detach and focus on what you can control: you and your kids.
I am curious about some details of your sitch, though. I have recently become suspicious that my W might be bi-polar. Did your H have any tell-tale symptoms that might have been a warning to you about his condition, prior to the diagnosis?
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
It's really hard for me to not think that I've done something wrong that caused this situation. I'm working everyday to remind myself that I've done nothing terrible enough to merit being treated this way, but OMG is it hard. Especially when he keeps telling me that he can't stand being around me. What's so terrible with me that he can't even handle being in the same room as me? That really hurts.
Last Thursday he went with me to a doctor's appointment. I was happy for the chance to be around him and show him my new outlook on life (PMA, cheerful attitude, etc.). Everything was ok at first, but then he started getting fidgety and acting weird. He said it was because he had drank two cups of coffee and a Monster. Ok, no big deal. He was practically jumping out of his skin by the time I saw the doctor. He asked me to take him right home because all of the caffine made his stomach hurt and he wanted to lay down. Well, I pull into his driveway and barely get the car in park before he opens the door and practically runs into his house. He later tells me that being with me for that long "almost killed him." What is that? How can you cause a physical reaction in someone like that? I just don't get it.
Before he was diagnosed with BPII he was always an extreme mood. If he was happy he was giddy and silly and totally hilarious. He was never just irritated or upset, he was irate and angry almost to the point of rage. He couldn't let little things with the kids go. He had to lay into them about everything. When he was sad it turned to anger almost immediately. If he was stressed, it turned into anger. But it wasn't like he was always angry. He would normally be really quiet or in a really good mood. It was just hard to determine when he would get angry. Really not fun to live with. I always would tell him that I thought he was bipolar, but he would just say that he was stressed. When he was finally diagnosed I thought it was the beginning for us to be able to treat it and deal with it. He thought otherwise. Hope that helped somewhat PortlandDad.
Meli, It sounds to me like you are doing the absolute best you can under these trying circumstances. Your daily affirmation should include the words,
"This is not my fault. I do not deserve to be treated like this."
Take a look at robx's post on standing up for yourself. It is a very inspiring read about how he changed the dynamic in his M when he decided to stop being a doormat and start loving and caring for himself.
As far as your H goes, is he still taking his medication? I am on Celexa myself for depression, and it is doing wonders for me and my mood so I am curious if your H was seeing any beneficial results from it. You do have to take it for a while to start getting the effects, though. Is he currently under the care of a physician or a mental-health specialist?
Regardless of where he is in his life and his condition, loving detachment will help you the most. It can be a tricky thing to pull off, both because you do have feelings for your H and no one wants to see their Sp hurting, and because you do need to detach from them to improve yourself. Find a focus that can keep your mind from flitting back into depressing thoughts. Your kids are an excellent focus, and they probably do need you right now more than ever.
Here are two classic links to a laundry list of things that you can do as a LBS. The first is from Coach's Film guide, and the second is from Bowtech's archived thread. Both are long reads, but the gems are sprinkled liberally throughout.
I had an interesting evening. H lives in the next town over, but doesn't have a car. Funny how not having a license will take that freedom away. Anyway, our two youngest kids had their parent/teacher conferences tonight. He was out with his mother this afternoon and had her drop him off at my house around 2:30. The kids didn't know he was going to be here so when they got off the bus they were thrilled. The afternoon went well in my opinion. I was able to show him all of the home improvements I've done, like retiling the bathroom floor, which is a total 180. Normally I would have asked him to do them and left them there until he took care of it. I told him that my financial aid for school came through and it's all paid for. The kids didn't know he was going to be here, so they were thrilled when he got off the bus. Overall I'd say it was a good day.
When I got home he logged onto YIM. I didn't say anything since I'm letting him initiate conversations now. Well he did for the first time in I don't know how long. He said that he didn't think it was good for the kids to have him here because it gave them the false sense that he would be coming back. I told him that they were just glad to have him around and didn't mention anything about him coming home. Then he said he felt uncomfortable and out of place. So I told him that he was always welcome in my home as he is their father. Then he said that he had to go because he wasn't having a good night and he'd talk to me later.
So, does this mean that being here affected him in the sense that it made him think about what he was leaving? I have no idea how to read this at all. He never initiates a conversation. The DB coach I spoke with said that when he's uncomfortable it usually means that he's doubting his decision. Do you think that could be the case here? Am I on the right track? What else can I do to keep him thinking?
This site has saved my sanity, I'm so thankful to have found this board. You're in the right hands.
My H dropped the bomb in Oct. 2008 and he was telling me how I make him sick. And how I make him feel physically sick to his stomach. How our M is definitely over.All this after a very romantic trip we had, and a couple of really great months where it felt like we were actually getting back on track.
Now he has been coming around slowly, lil' touches here and there, and so far 5 lip kisses since then. So....don't believe anything he's saying. He's in a different state of mind. Finish reading DR and read the posts here. Keep DBing.
Congrats on going back to school!!
M:28 H:30 DD-9| DD-7| Baby- Due 11/10 T-14 | M-8
10/08- Bomb 4/09- Failed attempt at Marriage Fitness Program 3/10- WH moved out. 7/10- Informed me he's filing in Aug
Very well played! I'm cheering here for you! You handled the situation very well. I'm very happy that you have a DB coach; keep listening and applying your DB principles like you did tonight.
Be prepared for the ups and downs. Tonight seemed like an up to me, but there are going to be those downer days, too. Take them one at a time. Another thing, try not to think about him so much. This part is the hardest, I know. You want to read and analyze every word, every gesture, every pregnant pause in the conversation for hidden meaning about what he is thinking. Except to gauge whether or not your 180s are having the effect you want, there isn't much value in obsessing about his thoughts.
It does sound like he is giving voice to some of his doubts. If it were me, wild dogs wouldn't be able to keep me from seeing my kids, so that is something that I am sure he is thinking about. Your non-confrontational, caring, and level-headed conversation about being in the kids' life and your home was sure to give him more doubts about what he is doing.
He sounds scared, unsure of himself and his decision, and is probably trying to make sense of it all for himself. If he is not on his medication, returning to the land of the rational might be a little harder, but it seems to me that time spend with his kids is one of the strongest motivators for making the WAS question their decisions.
You are doing great! Keep it up!
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
Thanks!! I'm so excited about going back to school. It makes me feel like a kid again.
I feel really good about our conversation. I thought before I said everything so that it went with my 180 behaviors. Everytime he says that he's not coming home I feel like he's saying it to convince himself as well as me. He seems so lost and unlike himself right now. I feel bad for where he's at emotionally. It's got to be hard to be in such limbo.
I did come to the realization that it really is something that's wrong with him. I know everyone keeps telling me that, but it wasn't until tonight that I actually saw it in him. It feels great to finally get it through my head that I'm not the one at fault. Now I've just got to hang on to that knowledge when I get sad again. But that's another day.
