In Limbo!?

[Hurtinky]

I have been married 29 years. High school sweethearts! We have 3 children; 2 daughters, 1 son. 17, 22 and 26. Three months ago, my husband was talking on his cell phone for an hour and half one evening (he normally used the cell phone for 10 minutes for the whole month!) After asking him about the number on there and who it was, he said it was someone he had dated a couple of times right before we got married. She lives 1200 miles away, he found her on the internet and contacted her to see how she was! Said it was no big deal. I said it was and that we needed to talk about it. He said, No what we need to talk about is being seperated! Before the next two days were over. He told our three children (when I wasn't around) that we were talking about getting divorced!! I was devastated! He says he wants to keep things "normal" until our youngest graduates from high school (2010). He moved out of our house and into his parents spare room about 3 weeks later. He talked to the woman 3 or 4 more times and I believe that is done now. We are in LIMBO!!!!! He says he really has no current plans. His entire family has stopped talking to me and haven't had any contact with our kids for this entire time. I don't know how to handle this. Please help!

[Hurtinky]

Some more info on my situation. I have been browsing this site for two months and have read "Divorce Busting" and "Divorce Remedy". I have been in the middle of doing 180's and "going dark". Very little to no contact. At the suggestion of friends and my counselor, about 3 weeks ago I wrote a letter to him. I just gave it to him yesterday. His complaints about me and his reasons to be done with our marriage are that I am soooo controlling and angry all the time. He maintains he has had no role in our not marriage working. He says he is turning 50 this year and has wasted enough of his life. So in the letter, I acknowledged my faults and told him about how I am working on changing me. And I let him know how important it is to me to try to work things out both for ourselves and our family. I ended the letter with saying that if he would like to respond to it(negatively or positively)...I would love to hear from him. I guess this was what I feel my last ditch effort is with him.

[BeginningAgain]

Hurtinky,

I am sorry you are hurting and in this situation. Sounds like a definite MLC with your husband. You might want to read some of the sitch's in the MLC forum as well. Keep posting here since as you probably already realize it gets the most traffic.

S4H

[Hurtinky]

Thank you Searching for confirming my idea on the possibility of a mid life crisis. I did check out the MLC forum and definitely see some similarities. H does seem pretty convinced the only answer to all of his issues is to get rid of me. He is very unhappy in his job, to the point of saying he is not sure he has the mental capacity to keep the job. He seems to be just wandering through life right now with no direction. He has just walked away from our home as if none of it ever mattered. It seems as if he has even disconnected himself somewhat from our kids. About two weeks after the bomb was dropped, we found out we are going to be grandparents for the first time, and he seems minimally (at the most) interested in how our daughter in law is doing with tht pregnancy, etc. He has taken only the bare minimum of his clothing to his parents house. But that seems to be enough for him. The relationship between his parents, him, me and our children is a story for another post, I guess. It seems so difficult to continue DB when we have no opportunities to be together. And he doesn't email text or use the phone!

[PortlandDad]

Hurtin:
One thing to remember about DBing is that it is for YOU, not necessarily for your spouse. Because we really can't control anyone else, the core principles of DB are focused on helping us deal with the changes that our families are going through, and emerge as stronger, healthier, and more confident people on the other side. Along the way, we become more attractive to our wayward spouse, and hopefully, get a chance to effect some positive changes in the R.

No matter what happens in your M, the tenets of PMA and GAL are for us! Focus on yourself and your kids. It sounds like they might need some "come to mama" time to talk and get out what they are thinking, too.

[Hurtinky]

Another difficulty I am having with my sitch is the fact that NONE of his family will have anything to do with me. Won't return calls, haven't called to check on our family stuff with kids, won't speak to me if they see me out somewhere. I have known these people for 35 years. I have no family of my own. They have been my whole family. So needless to say, I feel that not only have I lost my husband...but also another big part of my family. Is this the normal response from the blood is thicker than water perspective. I am lost. This is so painful!

[Hurtinky]

So in other peoples opinions, how can I handle him saying that YES he definitely wants a divorce but wants to wait a year and a half to file, put the house up for sale, etc.? Do I look at this a good thing or is this going to cause more harm than good as we sit here wondering what is going on.

[BeginningAgain]

Well IMO rushing into a divorce is never a good thing. Of course on the flip side, being in endless limbo can be even worse. I would take advantage of the delay and use the time as best you can to solidify your financial position for yourself and kids. Also, give your H space and put your focus on yourself. As Portland said, DBing is for you - that is the only person you can control.

As for your inlaws, I think it is incredibly sad and somewhat childish the attitude and stance they have taken. Although you have no idea what your H has told them, 35 years of a relationship with them should mean something. However, you can control them. As hard as it is, try not to let what they are or are not doing effect you. If they have any smarts about them at all, they will eventually figure out that their son is acting irrationally and that you are not the source of all his problems.

S4H

[faithisbelieving]

Hurtinky...all I can say is that "I've wasted 30 years of my life" is the biggest hunk of BS that I have ever heard. And even if it were true....WHO WASTED IT?

As for the inlaws.....I have the same issue. My inlaws SUED ME IN SMALL CLAIMS COURT without notice for a mortgage payment they covered for us when times were tough a year or so ago. It shows the type of people that they are.

My advice to you is simple and basic. No R or M talk at all costs. Let go and begin to grieve this and start to put the focus on yourself. Get Venus and Mars: Starting Over by Dr. Grey. It helps.

FIB

[Hurtinky]

Thank you all for the advice and support. This was a difficult weekend! Lots of little stuff that is impacting the whole family. I am so confused by my feelings. I know deep down that him saying he has wasted 30 years is his OWN HUGE problem! But it is still soooooo sad to me when I think of all the memories we have with our kids. We all always did everything together. I am trying to work on me. My IC sessions have helped a lot. I just seem to keep getting bogged down by thinking about what I coulda/shoulda done different. Saw him at a lunch with the kids yesterday and he said he has to get out of his parents house...they are driving him nuts!!! DUH!! But I am so scared financially of how we can pull off having two households going at the same time. And my 17 year old says he has promised her that we can stay in the only house she has ever lived in until she graduates from high school. This seems so unfair for our whole family. He holds all of the cards. He wants out. STUPID MID LIFE CRISIS BULL!! And the whole family. Including my upset pregnant daughter in law has to deal with it. I am continuing the DBing. No R or M talk. Trying to do 180's. A true 180 for me would be to really be on the band wagon for him to get his own place, but for some reason I just don't feel in my heart like I can do that. I know of a condo he may be able to rent for a very reasonable amount in a very nice part of town( a co-workers daughter is renting it out) but don't know if I should tell him about it or let him find something in a shady part of town for the same price!!! Like I said to help him secure this would be probably the biggest 180 I could do that would absolutely shock him. He is sure I will stand in the way however I can to keep him from being happy!!! I will go buy Mars and Venus book tomorrow. Sounds like it would be helpful on another level!