New around here...

[hopefulinEG]

The other thing I have found lately is free dance lessons. I am going tonight to a ballroom/latin dance lessons at a local night club. Lessons are from 6:45-7:30 then general dancing after (to practice). They do it on a weeknight to get some people in not just on weekends. I am going with a new friend in a similar situation.

I also got a coworker to take me to the golf range today to learn how to hit balls. I have never played. These may not be things you like but I discovered a lot of stuff when I started looking.

So when you are done with your classes try some new things.

[judyc]

Hopeful,

Good luck with your presentation - you'll knock 'em dead!

Regarding counseling, I have been to two sessions with an individual/couples/family therapist. I like it because I can talk to someone about my feelings and what is on my mind without being judged. I don't have too many friends to talk to, so the therapist kind of fills that void. And, the message I am getting from her is to work on myself - the same message you see so often on this forum!

[kara]

Good luck with the presentation. Let us know how it goes.

I am not hijacking your sitch but too lazy to find mine tonight. LOL. I am just continuing to work on me. Getting back in touch with the things I like but had stopped doing. And it actually feels great. Of course I still miss closeness I had with H but focusing on me really helps to take the edge off.

I am continuing with my 180s and monitoring the responses. I am happy with my progress so far but honestly it takes a lot of prayer and God to get me through it all. And these Boards and Michele's books really help. I read a success story every day to keep me motivated. Even if I have read it before.

Okay, I have hijacked your sitch. Back to you - I am sure that the presentation will go well. I have found that this whole experience has made me want to live a bigger life and I am trying things I never thought I would like or do. So amybe you can view your presentation as just another thing the "new you" can do. Next you can leap a tall building with a single step.

Today I saw a quote I like which goes as follows:
"You have two choices. Throw a pity party or party on".
We say party on, right? Persevere. My motto is I WILL NOT BE BROKEN.

Counselling is good because there is no judgment as judyc says. People who are emotionally invested in the sitch like friends and family can judge you or H very quickly so its best not to involve them too much.

[hopeful_cb]

Thanks for everyone's support I am glad to have the input.

@everyone- Thanks for the good luck wishes, the presentation went well, very relaxed and smooth. I have another one to give this thursday, harder and still need to write it! eek.

@hopefulineg-your activities sounds great. I would like ballroom dancing if I could get up the nerve to go alone. It is something H and I talked about doing but never actually got around to do. I will definitely try some new things once my class lets up.

@ judy- I'm still thinking on the counselling thing, thanks for the input. #1 problem right now is having trouble making decisions!

@Kara- sounds as if you are doing well coming along with 180's and GAL and it has taken me a lot of prayer as well to get this far. I like the tip about the success stories. I am looking forward to leaping tall buildings soon, but maybe should start with small buildings and work my way up.

I am having trouble with my 180s. I have identified and begun some and I do feel better in myself for quite a few. I don't think H notices any tho and we hardly see each other so feel there is no way to show my improvements.

When discussing 'improvements' I'd like to make with friends they tell me point blank I'm being too hard on myself and need to let up. I don't know, maybe I am just looking with harsh honesty?

So I resisted contacting H eventho I really want to know what's going on with his sitch???

I got an email today from him saying

hope you had a nice week. sorry (he) didnt get back to me about the laptop, been busy. Did I still need him to look at it? if so he could do it on his lunch today. Hope everything is going well the weather is sh*t isn't it? have a good one. -H

I didn't even get it before lunch time and I haven't answered. don't know if I should or will?? to be honest it just makes me angry. But then I have been feeling pretty angry this week about things as a whole.

[hopeful_cb]

Well I was strong yesterday and didn't respond to the email. I didn't know what to say back to it really so I thought 'do nothing' wait at least 24 hrs and think on it.

maybe I am missing something I could do by being 'friendly' but really can't decide what way to go.

I feel that really letting go and showing that in my actions may be the best thing to do.

Any advice? should I be responding to the overly formal but friendly contact H sends my way?

On a side note I am going out with a friend and meeting a few new girls that I don't know tonight for drinks. I feel anxious about it but have to get out there and I'm sure I'll have fun once I do.

[orchid01]

I just wanted to say you are doing great! I think you should definately go to meet some new girls/people. Just make yourself go. Wear something pretty ......and wearing heels always helps me feel better.

I only say this, bc I had an opportunity @ 6 days after he served me the D papers. And....well, I went and met with people and I just glossed over the H sitch. I ended up playing charades for the first time in my life and found out that I was good at it!!! I couldn't believe it! I always have been afraid of playing charades. I thought, I cannot look this silly in front of others.

So you never know...if nothing else you can hear about these girl's lives and see if you can find something you might want to implement or .....you might just get an new idea...or get a new style tip. The worst is that you do not like these people you meet and well, you have a story to tell us! HA!!

Have a great time! Let us know how it goes.

About the H sitch....I have a friend who is a psychologist who I have been speaking to twice a week. She says if you cannot decide, do not do anything at all.

She has told me to know what I want from each conversation/contact I have with him. Do you want formal but friendly? Do you want him to feel as if you can only get the computer fixed if he does it....and that too, when he gets around to it? I think that is the reason we are supposed to not answer their phone calls or emails right away. It is not about their time line. Does that make sense?

It is so hard .....bc you just want any contact you could possibly have........and as you know, I have not conquored this yet either. Its a work in progress.

Do you know what the problem is with your computer? Can you look it up online or call GeekSquad to come and fix it? Do you know anyone at work or a family member or a neighbor who would be able to walk you thru some troubleshooting?

The other thing that she had said to me on the very first day is that the H I knew is gone....this is someone else and so you cannot react to this H - the way you used to with the old H. The old H - you would give and understand and love......this new H is giving you alot of new rules....its a NEW give and understanding and love you have to administer....the long term goal is both of your happiness......H needs this as much as you do. I do keep telling myself that today.

But, damn its hard, I know it. I just thought I would share what she told me. It got me thru my first week and I set up a lot of parameters with him then. Of course, I have had no contact with my H, but I am thinking that is a good thing. If in the end, H decides to go, its not going to be a phone call about superficial things that makes him stay!

Also another thing that I read somewhere, I think pearlharbr mentioned this, that if you do interact with H, you should speak to him as you would a neighbor...not exactly formal.....more relaxed than that. I really liked that!

Have a great rest of the day. I am excited to hear about your evening!

[judyc]

Hi Hopeful,

I think it's good that you didn't answer his email. I don't know your H, but I would guess that he is probably wondering why you haven't replied. And, I like orchid's suggestion to possibly find some other way to get your computer fixed. Imagine your H's surprise when you tell him you don't need him to fix your computer, you did it yourself!

Your evening with friends tonight will be fun. Enjoy yourself tonight.

[kara]

Hi hopeful

I fixed a problem with my computer myself. Had a friend walk me through it on the phone. I would normally have reminded H who knew about the problem to look at it for me but this time I just informed him that I did it myself. It felt great to do that huge 180 because I would have assumed that I couldn't have figured it out since its not really "my thing". So I surprised even myself with that 180!

Keep up your 180s. Hope you are having a good weekend. I know last weekend you couldn't wait until Monday came.

I'm sure your H is wondering how come you haven't replied. They will not say it but they do notice. I never question H about his whereabouts now. I just say "Enjoy" and give a big smile. Or I glam up and go out before he does.

Sigh.

[hopeful_cb]

Yes I think you are all right, I have tried my best to fix the stuff on my own and don't know anyone around here to ask for help. It would be a huge 180 for me so I will go for it. But the main problem is that he set it all up and set all the passwords etc so I don't know them and keep having to ask. I really want a new laptop of my own tho so I think I am going to get one and then I won't have this problem anymore. I feel like the computer here is 'his' eventho it is/was 'ours' I feel like all of 'our stuff' is 'his' I don't know why. I need to stop thinking that way. I've been here all this time too so its just as much mine and I never felt that way til he left.

Last night I had a good time. It felt weird to be out again, the girls were all really nice and we got along good. I will try and do more of this for sure.

Having mixed feelings this morning. Keep thinking about H, sad but I'm not upset/crying. I just hope & pray I will get the chance to try again on our R bc there are so many things I've realized in this time and that I want to do. I think things would be different if H was still in the same house, its really hard to improve anything when there is nothing there. But I can keep working on me, I just hope its not too late for us.

Ok so gonna try and get busy for the day eventho its a late start. I have lots of cleaning to do.

[orchid01]

Good Morning Hopeful_cb,

I completely understand what you are saying about all of "our" stuff feeling like its "his" stuff. I am having the same issue and it is hard overcome. Will have to think on it more. If you come up with something - please let me know.

Also, I am in your position of not seeing or even speaking to my H! It seems that it would make showing our improvements so much more difficult.

On the other hand....if they don't see us or talk to us, and we keep changing and improving ourselves
.....when they do see us...it will shock the socks off of him!

That, I think, would be a good thing. For me the most frustrating thing is that H does not think our R can change...he cannot think beyond today's R........H thinks he has u all figured out! What better way to prove him wrong!

I am so happy that you had a good time last night!
Well done, hopeful_cb!!!

Keep Positive and busy today! I am totally rooting for you.

Oh, btw, I think getting your own laptop is a brilliant idea!

A total 180! You have inspired me to work on some 180s.