Me: 40 professional - doing a big 180 Her: 38 professional WAW Married 15 years 2 kids House On friendly terms Chapter 13 bankruptcy about 6 months ago (4.5 years left to pay)
WAW wife announced she wanted a separation mid Feb with "I love you but I'm not in love anymore" (not enough intimacy, tired of taking care of my issues). She would like me to move out around mid-May. I would rather she moves out because it was her idea but I'd be hard pressed to pay for the house and the stiff Ch 13 payment. She also plans on a friend (43 yr old woman, splitting up from long term platonic relationship, no kids) moving in around June for 6 months or so to start over her life in a new city. I think both of them are going thru midlife crisis and it's manifesting as crazy unpredictable (mine was a few years ago - depression about unmet goals).
We've had some agreement on what will happen during the unofficial separation: 6 months; no lawyers, paperwork, or big life changes; 3 days each with kids; 1 day together with kids; one "business" lunch per week; she kicks in a little for kid support.
Now I'm getting cold feet on the separation thing. Initially I viewed it as a "Trial Separation" to work on our differences, get perspective and consider what we're doing however I think she just views it as the first gradual step towards divorce. I've been reading more and more the best place to work out differences is in the house. I'm doing my best 180, taking care of my issues, giving her space, and always returning kindness. Things are amicable in the house - if you were to walk in to the family house on any given day you probably wouldn't know a separation was brewing except at the end of the evening we go to our separate rooms. I'd like to stay but I really don't think she wants to work on anything or get into any discussions.
A big tax bill might delay the move a month or two but otherwise is there any hope of staying or will it just make her mad and drive her further away? If I end up moving out, what's my next best hope?
We've been getting along good for the past week or two. I'm still maintaining my distance.
We confirmed we will have a huge tax bill thus no savings to rely on. We're selling a few things just to pay the bill. I pointed out to her that the $ sitch was risky and that another month or two in the same house before anybody moves anywhere is a good idea. Still she insists that I move at the end of May and if I'm worried about money that I should get a smaller place then freelance on the side or do some part-time. Yeah I've got so much extra time for that!
This isn't going to be smooth.
I've spoken with friends, family, counselors, and an attorney and I'm really leaning towards not going anywhere. I'm a committed father and it's my house. I'm not sure what this is going to press us into but I can't just give up everything because that's what she wants.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
She wants the separation but she wants ME to move out and get a part time job to pay for it! WTF!
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
I'm no expert, but if you are a devoted father and it is your house, then you should stay right where you are. I am in a similar financial pinch as my WAW has walked on the mortgage, bills, etc. Granted she initiated her own move out of the place, but you could consider things like taking on roommates of your own (that's what she plans on doing anyway). I can tell that the $ situation is a big consideration and, as an aside, I have considered it as a temporary turnicate to stop some of the financial bleeding I find myself in now.
My $.02, acknowledge that she wants the separation and validate her decision, but politely and calmly convey that you aren't walking on your assets, or your kids home. You and that house are there for your kids. Continue DB'ing this whole time. Firmly draw the boundary, however, that if she wants a separation outside of the house, then she will have to resolve her own living arrangments. Perhaps your W and the other MLC can have a grand time in some dumpy apartment down the street.
Cheers...
Me: 34 WAW: 33 M: 4 T: 7 K: B2, B1 Bomb 12/08, sep in same house W moved out 2/09 w/K
DON'T MOVE OUT. This question comes up all the time on these forums, and it's the easiest one there is. It seems to be the ONE TOPIC that EVERYONE agrees on: don't be the one to move out.
Hi, thanks for checking in on my sitch. You said you have been reading about my sitch, so take these peoples advice to be gospel, trust me!
The moving out thing took me over a month to come to terms with. My wife told me at the end of january she wanted a seperation and she wanted me out that week. We had just filed ch. 13 the week before, I have no job and have been a stay at home dad for over a year since I earned a bachelor of science degree fall of 07. We have no money and I had no place to go accept my parents house 1/2 hr. away where I would be sleeping on the floor.
I finally maned up and told her there was no way she was going to kick me out, which would have sent the message to my sons that when it hits the fan dad walks out. It was a risk but I knew in my heart that it is my sons that matter and they way in which I handle this with them means more than any thing in the world.
I know this is the most scary time in you life, because it is for me as well, but follow your gut/intuition and heart. It really is your two little people that need you around and stable.
It's easy for me to say because your sitch is not mine, but really read mine and how I have processed this stuff and how I have f'd up over and over.
It's funny because today I am genuinely having a good day. It's really weird! I know it won't last, LOL, but it has stemed from the fact that I know in my heart that I am making choices to be a better man and father.
Keep in touch and I will keep up with your sitch as well.
I finally maned up and told her there was no way she was going to kick me out, which would have sent the message to my sons that when it hits the fan dad walks out. It was a risk but I knew in my heart that it is my sons that matter and they way in which I handle this with them means more than any thing in the world.
Thanks guys. I'll be telling her soon that I'm not going anywhere. I'm just going to do it and see what happens. There is a big risk but I feel I've been working on my part (getting a life, enhancing job, organizing, socializing, working on personal issues) and detaching. I feel ready.
Today I'm even kinda' wondering why I would want to be married to someone who would want me to leave my own house and children.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
It is a risk, but in 5yrs., 10 yrs., etc. will you look back and say, boy I regret telling my wife there is no way you are going to tell me to walk out on my family. OH HELL NO YOUR NOT!
