I usually post on MLC, but wanted to know if any of you here who are working at putting marriage back together ever had your spouse in the beginning of this nightmare or whatever tell you they planned on getting a divorce? H walked out 6 months ago said he wanted divorce after 3 weeks being gone and moved in with OW 2 months ago and twice has said he plans on getting divorce. He doesnt have the money to file and he REALLY wants me to do it which i wont, but just wondered if they ever say they want divorce and then end back with their wives? I have been doing pretty well but H just called and mentioned divorce {again} I ignored remark but then the insecurity came back after i hung up so i am posting here for help. thanks bjehill
Most everyone here has heard the divorce word fairly often. I know I have myself. The less you pursue your spouse the less he will need to push you away with the talk of divorce.
Focus on you and making yourself a better person. Be of good spirits and be an undemanding friend to your spouse.
The short answer to you subject question.... Yes, he probably (in his current state of confusion/delusion) means it. At least he thinks he means it.
Second the answer to the first major question in your post...
Quote: (Have) any of you here who are working at putting marriage back together ever had your spouse in the beginning of this nightmare or whatever tell you they planned on getting a divorce?
Yeah, sure. For me, three days after the bomb... First is was "I want a separation", then a few days later, "I want a divorce". Then, although she never moved out, months of living as if she was single and unattached. The, 9 months later, hires lawyer, says he will contact me to "begin negotiations" to end the marriage.
Then for the past year, working on putting it all back together, including her ending it with OM, entering couples therapy with me, and slowly drawing back together. It doesn't work this way all the time, and this one is not over, but divorce is off the table.
Sounds like you don't want a divorce. Sounds like he's not going to initiate it. So, end of story. If it requires you to initiate, and you won't, time is on your side... Now, the important thing it to detach yourself from his drama and get on with your life best as you can for now, for as long as you can stand it, and see what happens.
Sorry there isn't more to say. It really isn't ever over until you choose. You have a great deal of power. He can't run your life, can't tell you how to live your life. But, you can't run or live his either.
HI,although I never heard the D word, the threat of maybe leaving was there. I have learned the long, slow way, that you have to work on you. Be kind to him, don't talk about your m at this point. I hoped months ago when I first came here and read DR and talked to others in the same sitch, that no matter how hurtful and hard all this is, that by working on myself I would be able to handle anything, even if h would have left and d ws brought up. I have not been there, so I won't know at this popint if it has all worked, but I do know things are slowly better, and I do credit the work on me for that. Patience, forgiveness, prayers have all been on my side. Take care of you, and keep posting here, I used to be in newcomers, but too many and never really got too many responses. Sue
thanks for all your replies and this sure sucks lol, but you all know that so i will continue on my journey and work on me . Hope the fog lifts for my h so he can learn to work on him. thanks again bjehill
Hi BJE, I found your thread that HB mentioned me on, I was curious about that. I wanted to comment on your sit, the title of your post. My H did mention D, checked it out online and got some information, like our sons (14 and 17) are old enough to decide who they want to live with. Can you imagine making kids choose between their parents??? Well since then he HAS changed his mind and is here trying to make this better with me. He never left, I told him he'd have to if he didn't want to be M to me. There was no affair, fortunately. Just a "friend" that happened to come along at the time his head was up his A$$, and he swears up and down there was never anything more on either side. She has had a rough time with her husband dying of cancer and an ex-boyfriend stalking and terrorizing her and her daughter, and I wonder (hope) that maybe she feels "safe" being friends with my H because he is M and therefore not trying to pursue her. I don't know. What I do know is that my H is much, much more loving and at peace than he was back between Feb 21st- May 6th when he asked me to come home from my friends house where I went to give us both space. I asked him recently if he was just sticking around until youngest son is grown (18 in 4 more years) and he said that no he was not. I have applied DB techniques 24/7 and I know this is for life, not just until he re-commits again. I haven't heard any ILY's since Feb before "bomb". He has responded to these changes I've made, basically I've become the wife I should have been all along. All he wanted was the woman he fell in love with. that's all men want I think. So anyway, yes, some do change their minds and since your H wants you to file for D, don't do it because it is NOT what you want. OW will get tired of him being married and will look at him as a dead end street I think and then they'll start fighting and arguing and he won't want her anymore. At least I hope that's how it goes for you. Take care, Lisa
