Hello Thank you everyone for replying. Yes I am new to the group. We have been married for 10 years we have 4 kids 3,5,7, and 9. He drives a truck but is currently staying here while he was temp laid off, he will be going back to work on Sunday. We had a pretty up and down marriage but never doubted that he loved me, now he says he loves me but is not in love with me. However he will slip and make comments about the future and us being in it. He will have these days where you think he is hitting rock bottom and then the next day it is as if nothing happened. I know that I need to let go, but how, it hurts! This was the person I was going to spend the rest of my life. However the man I loved is not who he is anymore so why do I hold onto hope that he will come back around. As far as the other girl I have outed her and told her hubby what I thought was going on and she swears that all they did was talk which leads me to beleive it is more and EA then anything which hurts just the same. It drives me crazy not being connected to him like I used to be. We did everything together and talked all the time I lost my husband but my BF too! _________________________
I would yes it does but it's gonna hurt. Have the two of you tried counseling? Not trying to offend or hurt you but he may just talk about you two in the future because he is unemployed and does not have money for the D AND the child support.
Check out the counseling, go to your church and ask your priest or pastor. There is so many options out there, I wished I ahd checked it out a lot sooner.
It won't hurt to talk to an attorney either, just so you have an idea of what to expect.
Hello I already filed for divorced because he was holding money over my head and I new this way my kids and I were taken care of. We had a pretty good weekend we stayed up Friday and Saturday until the wee hours of the morning playing cards. We actually were intimate last night, the kissing felt good but the other did not it was strange and we both said it was just sex. He went back to work last week and is still staying here when he is home on the weekends. I was going to stop the divorce but I just do not know if I can. I do go to counseling and we went twice but says he will no longer go. I just wish I knew how to walk away. He tells me he cares about me and that him being here is him trying and that he wrote me two letters but he just could not give them to me, I am just not sure where this is going. I am trying to have trust in my faith to lead in the right path. Yesterday we had a function for my son and he is a leader and he told me last night that it made him feel good that I was there and he was happy that I came. I just wish I knew for sure if he is or was having an affair. He still says no that he never would but why do I feel like he is. Mary
MyKids: I'm so sorry that you are in this sitch. Have you read either DB or DR yet? If you have, which practices have you implemented? Has your H been served yet, and what has been his reaction to this turn of events? Is he someone that you can sit down with and talk about your feelings on this subject?
I can tell you that trust is one of the hardest things to re-establish after the devastation of learning about your partners' A. A really good book on the subject is "Not Just Friends", by Shirley Glass. It helps put the feelings you have in perspective, and gives some guidance about how to not be so obsessive. Remember: you control your thoughts; doing DB activities like GAL and maintaining a PMA and acting "as if" will help you deal with these problems.
God bless.
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
I hate it though because one day I am fine and the next I feel like I need to look through his stuff or follow him. He still swears that he has never done anything. He has admitted that he did talk to this person and confided in her about our relationship and that it was wrong he did not tell me, but he has looked me in the eyes over and over even swearing on our kids lives that he has never cheated on me. Nor would he even now he said he could not be with someone else. It is just that lie about talking to her that caused my suspicions to start going. I know I have insecurity issues and I am working on them at counseling and I know that because of how I was raised and what I grew up around these things have been buried for years. Do you know that I just reccently told him about things I have done when I was a teenager, he somewhat is upset because he thinks I was hiding it but I was actually in fear that if I told him I would loose him. My mom and dad faught all the time and then one night my mom had enough and left we were then told by my dad that she wanted nothing to do with us for years. I grew up thinking I never fit in and was never quite sure where I fit in. I am told I have an abandonment complex which causes me to think that there must be someone else may always have been because I am not good enough for him and he deserves better. Now looking back I know he loved me and he says that part of him still does he just not sure how much and if we can ever fall back in love. However he still engages in physical contact whether a kiss or a brush on the head and like I said last night well we were intimate and well we were last week too. So what does this mean. I want my marriage back but I do not know where to go with all this. My counselor said that he would be very surpirsed if we ended up divorcing. So do I stop it, he thinks I did, and part of me wants too but is it okay to live like this? I asked him if it is stopped then what in a month when work is going full swing we start it again,he said he did not know wha would happen. I have regreted filing so is this my chance to make it right, but then there is nothing legally stating he has to pay me. I am so confused!!!
I hate it though because one day I am fine and the next I feel like I need to look through his stuff or follow him. He still swears that he has never done anything. He has admitted that he did talk to this person and confided in her about our relationship and that it was wrong he did not tell me, but he has looked me in the eyes over and over even swearing on our kids lives that he has never cheated on me. Nor would he even now he said he could not be with someone else. It is just that lie about talking to her that caused my suspicions to start going. I know I have insecurity issues and I am working on them at counseling and I know that because of how I was raised and what I grew up around these things have been buried for years. Do you know that I just reccently told him about things I have done when I was a teenager, he somewhat is upset because he thinks I was hiding it but I was actually in fear that if I told him I would loose him. My mom and dad faught all the time and then one night my mom had enough and left we were then told by my dad that she wanted nothing to do with us for years. I grew up thinking I never fit in and was never quite sure where I fit in. I am told I have an abandonment complex which causes me to think that there must be someone else may always have been because I am not good enough for him and he deserves better. Now looking back I know he loved me and he says that part of him still does he just not sure how much and if we can ever fall back in love. However he still engages in physical contact whether a kiss or a brush on the head and like I said last night well we were intimate and well we were last week too. So what does this mean. I want my marriage back but I do not know where to go with all this. My counselor said that he would be very surpirsed if we ended up divorcing. So do I stop it, he thinks I did, and part of me wants too but is it okay to live like this? I asked him if it is stopped then what in a month when work is going full swing we start it again,he said he did not know wha would happen. I have regreted filing so is this my chance to make it right, but then there is nothing legally stating he has to pay me. I am so confused!!!
He left and then I filed he says he had no intentions of filing. Right now we are not together but we are not divorcing. I just wonder if I am being totally nieve, is there away to really find out if there is someone else?
Okay, this is coming from a guy so don't fall down.
I would stop being intimate with him. I used to think that after my W and I were with each other, everything was ok. I was living off of those false sense of securities. It sounds like you are on the fence about the D.
I don't think you guys shold be intimate with him...just because. Heck, we all would love to be held, and kissed. But I realized, being in these forums, that intimacy is not just about having sex. It's about listening, talking and really being involved on an emotional level with your H or W.
Talk to your H about getting some counseling. I think you guys could benefit from that.
There is too much to lose in a D. And it would be sad to get a D and then later find out that there was no A after all.
But if you love him and you're willing to work things out by going to counseling, even after you find out there was an A, then go for it.
I just got a book - Should I Stay Or Go? : How Controlled Separation Can Save Your Marriage.
Like I've read throughout these postings, it takes 2 to make a marriage work, it takes 2 to make a marriage go bad.
Everyone's got their own ideas, but in my case, if it weren't for keeping the sex going, the marriage would have died. You need to make up your own mind about that. We've had many discussions here on the board, and most times the women advise keeping the sex going, and the men seem to advise against it. Go figure.
