Accelerated divorce due to OM...normal?

[sweet-1]

Was at daughter's riding lessons tonight. W was chatty and playful. called me aside to talk about the D. "I implore you to go collaborative. If we go to court the only ones who'll benefit are the lawyers. just think of what it'll do to those kids" I held back my true feelings and only validated her. then I mentioned that her actions haven't been trust worthy enough for collaborative. She confirmed OM is back in BC with wife (not sure I totally believe her though). She tried the crocodile tears, I simply offered her a kleenx then walked away. she still swears they're just best friends.

Almost every topic went back to money, I kept steering it back to the kids and her feelings. Now she says this isn't about a divorce only arranging a parenting plan, and debt reduction and we'll file for divorce later. I agreed with her that idea is worth listening to, and then asked that we do a 4-way sit down with lawyers or a counsellor (I like the one with DB in her office personally). She didn't agree but rather weakly disagreed. She said she hopes I find happyness in my life, but it won't be with her. I said for me I feel we can still make our marriage into something wonderful and she has no right to tell me how I should feel. She didn't like that, I simply responded I will not be a doormat.

We talked back and forth for a few more minutes, before i told her I ahven't decided one way or the other collaborative or court, and I was waiting to see her financial disclosure, she grimaced and then changed the subject. I said thaank you for the talk and walked away back to watch the lesson. She was shaken but recovered quickly.

[whatdidido]

That was perfect, sweet1. She hears you when you talk like that. You put it back on HER where it needs to belong.

I don't think now is the time, but have you told her HOW you think you can make the marriage into something wonderful? I know in her mind she feels it is hopeless, feels there is nothing that can be done, and that SHE is being the stronger person by divorcing you. Something to think about. For me, it was my faith, the changes I saw in my husband, and not wanting to be a part time mom that got me to try. After that, it was this site, books, my husband's support, a pastor, and Retrouvaille that gave me more hope.

[sweet-1]

Thanks for the advice. i've tried in the past (probably too soon), in both letters and in person. She still appears set on ending this, though seems softer somehow. We have my sone's B-day supper (just us 4) tomorrow then his party at the Zoo on Saturday. So there will be contact, but I think I'm going to just keep up this pace for another couple of weeks. There have been numerous comments form friends etc about my behavior (improvements etc) and such, but I don't know what if anything has been said to her. I know she got into a fight with her boss yesterday about me, though I'm not sure the details as I haven't spoken to him in over a month. He was a very staunch supporter of me in the beginning. She also claims to have had no communication with her family in weeks, though I doubt it.

She came over this morning to help with Daughter's hair for pictures day. The kids were perfectly behaved, house was immaculate, coffe was made (she refused), and we left for school early. I simply said thank you for the help, as I have little or no hair experience (I keep my head shaved close). She said it was no problem, and smiled and waved as she drove away.

Retrouvaille is on my radar, but I doubt it will be accepted just yet. But here's hoping.

[whatdidido]

Let us know how the birthday goes. Hang in there.

[bluerain]

My H would say that I deserve someone who wont hurt me like he did too. I hate it when he says that junk. I tried telling him that that was my decision to make, but that didnt seem to do much, so I finally said, you did hurt me, bad, but you are going to have to forgive yourself sometime. That seemed to make more of an impact, we actually started to talk about forgiveness and we didnt broach the topic of reconciliation that time. But, I think that stopping arguing with him about the stinking "You deserve someone who wont hurt you so bad" line was way more effective.

I think that they are ashamed of what they have done, and human beings really, really dont like to feel shame. Its easier to just be sad that your ending your M than for them to face (and deal with) their shame.

The birthday party sounds like a great chance to show off your shiny new self! Dont be reactive, and remember to have a great time! Good luck!

[sweet-1]

So I get a phone call today from my lawyer. I need to make a decision by friday 09:00 as to do collaborative or else we start court proceedings on Monday. Perfect timing. He recommends collaborative because we are horribly stretched on finances already etc. I sat down and assuming the economy stays as is not worsens, we will be 60-80k in the hole after selling EVERYTHING!. She's expecting the house and holiday trailers to be sold, and figures they'll sell quickly (?). I intend to demand we sell Everything.. no buyouts, no money exchanges hands, and we each are responsible for 50% of the shortfall. She tells the kids "mommy doesn't love dad as ahusband anymore" yet another version of the same old tired "i'm too scared to try and fix this" routine. The kids are pretty upset, this is the only house they've known, best friends are neighbors etc. She assures me they'll get over it, and her lawyer insists there's no chance of reconciliation.

The B-day party went very well, she wouldn't make eye contact, talked on the phone for a large part of it, nothing new. The kids then out of the blue asked if she would come over for a hot tub, she was taken aback and said no, it's too cold (-1*C). She did come over and watched them play, inspected her flower beds etc. She took some pics of her tulips, sat on the phone a bit, refused coffe or a drink of any kind, wouldn't remove ner boots.

I was cleaned up and friendly, but not overly chatty. Kept my answers simple and polite. I made sure my wedding ring was visible, and DR was on the counter (she saw but pretended to ignore). Hose was immaculate again, kids were high strung but okay. You could tell they were super happy to have mom and dad in the same room 2 days in a row.

We're going to the zoo on Sat, I doubt OM is coming. She's taking the kids out for ice cream cake afterwards, I said I'd come for a bit but have dinner plans later. She grimaced and tried to ask a question, I changed the subject immediately and never did answer.

As she was leaving she seemed upset, I tried to give her a friendly hug, she backed away. I slipped up by doing this.

[bluerain]

I refused to discuss D as long as my H was in a relationship with another person. I dont know that its possible in your sitch, but I honestly thought that he was reflecting his inability to make good decisions by seeing her (a married OW!), and this is a decision that requires clarity of thought, as it is life changing for all involved. Now hes the one who doesnt want to sign the papers.

One of the last times I saw H, hes in another state on a temporary duty assignment, he was sobbing, I just put my hand on his shoulder and told him that if he needs to talk, Ill listen. All I wanted was to hold him, but I think that I reacted appropriately, after a looong string of acting badly. If you back slide, you just start over. Its not that big of a deal, you will have other chances.

Im glad that you made sure to mention your dinner plans. It sounded like she noticed! Good job, dont let her ruin your great weekend!

[sweet-1]

We went to the zoo yesterday, spent the day there. We chatted about things in general (Not R), she was receptive but still a bit reserved. We both took lots of pics, some of mine were fo her with the kids, and at one point we were walking I flashed a quick shot of her face, she smiled. Later she caught me looking at her butt (I am still a guy ya know!) and giggled, didn't seem genuinely upset. One thing I noticed is she very rarely made eye contact again, and when she did it lasted a fraction of a second then looked down. She spent alot of time texting, but wasn't hiding it like usual. She also purposely avoided taking a picture if i was anywhere near the frame.

After we went for supper at Dairy Queen (son's choice). She talked a bit about her childhood, and how many times her and her mother moved around after her parent's divorce (8 houses in 4 yrs). I was surprised because I thought she lived with her father at this time. She says she told me and she may have but I don't think I'd forget a detail as major as this.

She is so beautiful and just being near her makes my heart speed up, I want to hug and kiss her, but can't try yet. The kids still haven't met OM, he didn't come. Nor did any of her "new" friends from this second life of hers. She slipped and says she's still talking to her family depsite saying she hadn't talked to them in weeks recently. I let it slide, not worth the hassle. She's taking the kids out quadding today, something that we enjoyed immensely as a family. I wish I could be there.

[bluerain]

I wonder if she is starting to realize what this life she is choosing will mean to her and the kids, by mentioning the 8 houses in 4 years.

If I were you, I wouldnt worry about this other relationship too much, basically, what Ive found in my research, and through personal experience, A's almost NEVER work out. Be patient, and spend this time making you and your kids' life better. be strong for yourself, set up boundaries and demand respect for you and your M. She probably has told her new friends what a terrible H/father you are and them seeing that that is not the case would make her look like a liar.

I would ask her that she not introduce the kids to the OM until after the D process. They should not be exposed to something like that, its not a value that I would want my kids to learn anyway. If something in a M gets hard, johnny and suzy, its okay for the mommy or daddy to go mess around with someone else. I dont think so.

It was nice to hear you say those nice things about her. I think that too often the LBS spouse doesnt notice those things anymore.

[sweet-1]

Thanks, the compliments are easy to say...because they're true. I hope I'm not just giving myself false hope, but she seems to be dehumanizing me less and less each time we see each other. There was a point when I felt like she needed to view me as the source of all evil to justify her actions, now she seems softer, and smiles occasionally. Though usually only when surprised by a comment or gesture and immediately reverts to the stern face. Even if this doesn't work out, it was worth it to see her smile at me one last time.

My son made the comment that she is on the phone so much because her friendsa re helping her when the divorce seems too much. I'm not sure what that means or if its + or -, but it's something.

I noticed the other day that I enjoy the new me as well. It seems to be a better fit than the man I was becoming. I like it, I have loyal friends, and fair weather friends, and value them all for what they bring to the table. And at the end of all this when my friends and family look at me they will know I fought for something bigger than myself, and something a world more important. I'm comfortable with that regardless of outcome.