OK, next question. Before I came to my senses and found DB, my wife and I discussed the situation ad nuasium and she insisted and still does that her OM is just a friend. I know this is not true and have found much evidence (I have not told her that I know or how). beshe calls from work with a bs story about a friend in town, I told her I would be with the kids so go and have a good time. Now I know what she did, but she would never say. My issue is this. I am trying to give space in the hopes that this thing will run its course and I may get a shot down the road, by working the program. Do I come off looking like the fool, or do I let her know that I am aware that there is only one reason she would bail on the kids the night before Easter, we do the carrots etc... I want to score some points for knowing and still saying, "go and have a good time"... and while it is tough to think about it, I genuinely want her to be happy. I feel like if the covert stuff is over and the light of day hits this, one thrill is gone and it is a matter of time before all thrill fades. Any thoughts from those who know?
From my sitch and from others, and from the ton of advice that I have gotten from Puppy, I believe that the best thing you can do is expose the EA, take a strong stand against it, and set your boundaries. I have found that the DB tactics of backing off, etc do not work when the EA is still hidden and in full progress.
take a real hard look at the advice Puppy Dog Tails has been giving me and continues to give others.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
My wife did EXACTLY this on the night of the 4th of July, bailing on me and the boys and missing our traditional blowing off of fireworks in our driveway. When she told me she was "going to a party with some girls from work," I looked her square in the eyes and said "I hope you're not going to be with (OM). That would be incredibly disrespectful to the family, especially on a night like tonite."
Of course, she lied to me, but at least I drew my boundary.
I think it flat out goes against your own sense of personal integrity to tell her to "go and have a good time" when you know she's with OM. C'mon, do you REALLY want her to have a good time with him???
You cannot control them, but you CAN let them know what your boundaries are, and -- if they cross them -- that you're going to have to take that into consideration in your own decision-making.
Good feedback. I didn't realize that things didn't add up until after I made the comment. So from your perspective, it is best to let the person know that you are aware of where they are going. I have been trying to avoid friction and hope that this will run its course before it is too late for us. I am trying to act as if, while not being a door mat, which is not always easy to do. I met with my attorney today and she wants to go aggressive to lay a solid foundation and drag things out. My only fear is that it will appear to my wife as I am trying to be unreasonable which would result in more arguments and conflict, something my 180 has been trying to avoid. I had a pretty in your face style and my wife always knew where I stood, so my 180 involves more softening and trying to listen to her and taking advice and input. Any help?
We are having trust issues that are making things difficult. I know this is to be expected, but I feel the need to speak with her to clear the air. I am not sure if this is helpful, but I feel it may make a more comfortable limbo for us both. I have obvious reasons for my trust issues, but would like to let her know that I am in no way invading her privacy. She is having major trust issues, mostly all imagined or projected from her guilt, I suppose. I think it is interfering with any progress I am trying to make in my 180 and distancing. I think she percieves some of the changes stemming from a "ruthless" approach to our impending divorce. I want to reassure her that I have no intention of being hurtful in our eventual settlement.
On another note, I have met with a couple of attorneys and got good advice. One is a pitbull, but knows the game inside and out. She felt I have a realistic chance of stretching this 2 + years, and by filing an injuction against removing the kids from our home, it would force her to stay until final judgement, or leave without the kids, which she would not do. It is a risk because it will appear very confrontational and may make for real hostility. She is the best, I am told, but very pricey. Question: I am viewing the expense as a small price if it can extend the status quo for 2 years and give us time to potentially reconcile. Should I separate the 2 things and not factor emotion of trying to save my marriage into the decision of who to hire as an attorney? Do I try to play soft ball to send the message that I care about her and do not want to see her hurt in this, but thereby risking a less lengthy process?
What is the status of your sitch? Has she filed yet? If not it's good that u have spoken to some attrnys and gotten some ideas. Until she files you dont have to do anything. If she does file then the courts will want to know what co-parenting arrangement you to have. Figure out whats best for the kids first. Can you share the house? Don't do anything you don't want to do until you have to. You don't have to do anything unless you have been seperated for 2 yrs other then figure out a schedule for the kids.
She has filed, last week. I spoke to a couple of different attorneys. We are still in the same house, but one of the attorneys said that if I don't file an injunction against her taking the kids, then she could take them and I would have to have the courts settle it. If I file the injunction, she will see it as an attempt to play hard ball. She has been looking for apartments, so it looks like she is anticipating being out soon. I think it is best for the kids to stay in the house they were born in and have been growing up in.
We are having trust issues that are making things difficult. I know this is to be expected, but I feel the need to speak with her to clear the air. I am not sure if this is helpful, but I feel it may make a more comfortable limbo for us both. I have obvious reasons for my trust issues, but would like to let her know that I am in no way invading her privacy. She is having major trust issues, mostly all imagined or projected from her guilt, I suppose. I think it is interfering with any progress I am trying to make in my 180 and distancing. I think she percieves some of the changes stemming from a "ruthless" approach to our impending divorce. I want to reassure her that I have no intention of being hurtful in our eventual settlement.
On another note, I have met with a couple of attorneys and got good advice. One is a pitbull, but knows the game inside and out. She felt I have a realistic chance of stretching this 2 + years, and by filing an injuction against removing the kids from our home, it would force her to stay until final judgement, or leave without the kids, which she would not do. It is a risk because it will appear very confrontational and may make for real hostility. She is the best, I am told, but very pricey. Question: I am viewing the expense as a small price if it can extend the status quo for 2 years and give us time to potentially reconcile. Should I separate the 2 things and not factor emotion of trying to save my marriage into the decision of who to hire as an attorney? Do I try to play soft ball to send the message that I care about her and do not want to see her hurt in this, but thereby risking a less lengthy process?
Any advice is good advice...comments?
I have a real good way to settle the "trust" issue. You tell her "No, I don't trust you right now. You're having an affair. End it, and we'll talk."
