I'm assuming my thread will lock soon so I have started another - don't want to miss any advice or support that drops by while I am at work. Will provide a summary later for those who haven't been following my stitch all along.
It looks like your thread finally locked. (At least I couldn't find a "reply" button anywhere..?)
You are so far ahead of me in this "journey" we are inching through. I don't have any advice to give (that you don't already know) .. but I do have support.
It's all so unbelievably hard but yet you ARE doing it! Stay strong Kassie. Keep on keeping on!
Married two and half years. Separated 8 months ago. H was drinking too much and arguing most of the time. H didn't want to live with my older children in the house. I didn't like the drinking, the arguing and general behavior. I gave him the choice to stay, stop the drinking, enter MC. He wanted to drink and left, was dead set to D. Two weeks later he is asking to work on the R. We dated, but the pattern didn't change. Around the holidays I found this site, read the DR book, decided to go dark. By the end of Jan he starts his sobriety in AA and begins IC. End of Feb he is asking to reconcile, but every contact starts an argument. Mid March he wavers about reconciliation. H issue is that he wants me to support his sobriety and his committment to church and start over. H refuses to consider living together with my children. My issue is wanting a sober H, a stable H, and responsible H. I'm not certain he will be able to do this. H is immature and self centered. Always had someone to take care of him. I have always been overly responsible and a caretaker. I want a balanced lifestyle. One child will be going away for college soon, the other just quit and is working. Both want H to treat me better and to stop drinking. I think that covers most.
Catching up on your thread. I have been so busy the last few days. I will read more in the morning while baby is sleeping.
Hope you are doing well!!! You deserve so much happiness.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
I just read through your summary of your sich and noticed your condition was a sober H. Ok, he is sober now and hope will stay that way but time will tell. He is pestering you to make a decision when you can't yet until he proves he will stay sober. Why don't you tell him not to ask or talk about that until its been at least the 6 month mark of sobriety?
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Well if I can throw my $0.02 in...From what your saying he may be sober but he's a "dry drunk", I say this from experience. Things you may want to ask, if you can, is how many meetings is he going to a week, does he have a sponsor, ect. The biggest thing about the process is him figuring out why he drank so much until then he's is a "dry drunk"...BTW the IC may help but rehab (out patient) would probably be a better option, IF he's serious about sobriety he will find a way to go.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
Ok, I was typing one handed before as I was holding baby!!
I have been told that it takes a long time to prove sobriety and that I shouldn't believe anything my exh says or does for at least a year after he is sober.
Maybe you can give a timeline like that before you make any big decisions. Might take some pressure off of you.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
I have been told that it takes a long time to prove sobriety and that I shouldn't believe anything my exh says or does for at least a year after he is sober.
Maybe you can give a timeline like that before you make any big decisions. Might take some pressure off of you.
I'm going to sort of agree with this. It takes people different amounts of time. The thing is right now after rereading her post he is how I was, not using but being an a$$. I would sometimes call my wife KNOWING I was going to start a fight, that's the whole "dry drunk" part. In many ways not using is the easier it's dealing with the issues you have now that you're not numbing your emotions. Until that happens one is never really sober.
I'm afraid putting a time line on this will pi$$ him off BUT having a time line for yourself is great.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
SO2, Hi lady! Good to hear you! When I went dark in Jan I thought it would either work or not work. The operative word being that he would either get help and get back to me or not. He did get sober, and I guess his assumption was that once he was sober I would reconcile with him. I told him then that it was far more important for him to learn how to stay sober - than to worry about our R. AT 30 days he asked to start seeing each other again, I asked him if he thought he was ready to support me - he said yes. I told him I wasn't ready. I wanted to check back in 30 days to see how things were going. He started calling me one week later - I ignored the calls. A second week later I still ignored them - but since we work at the same place - he confronted me at work. But the convo kept going to the same place where we argue so I cut it off - he stayed at it all day including giving me a lecture about how he is learning in IC that he pushes me away when he doesn't like what I say or do. AND... says I do the same thing! NOT SO! but he doesn't know the difference between pushing someone away and cutting a convo off that is headed in a bad direction. I am trying to change the negative interaction we have of arguing whenever we talk.
So, that night I call him and ask that he not confront me at work anymore. He then told me his agenda - he wants me for support in his sobriety because no one else will be there for him anymore -#2) he is being accepted into the RC church at Easter and wanted me there with him - the other part of that one is he feels he has to lie or make up an excuse for why I am not present for it. To sum up - he feels alone and wants me to be there for him. My response to him was, "how about trying the truth for a change." and "how about remembering all the times I have been there for you including the many times you tried to get sober and showing some appreciation." No response from him since.
As far as the suggestion about a timeline? When he tried to get sober in Ju'07 - I thought things would be ok. When he relapsed and stop meetings in Aug'07 my BFF suggested that I set a time line for a decision then. I knew about the "rule" for A's not to make major decisions in the first year -so I thought I would give him a year. So, I prep'd myself, things got progressively worse, until I said I had had enough in Jul'08. He moved out immediately. Since this is my second M, I wanted to take my time with a decision to end this M and examine my part in it. I really didn't want to end it at the time. After 7 months of the same while separated I accepted the idea that I might have to end it. Then he gets sober - so now I don't know whether or not to give him another year or not. I genuinely am still attracted to this man when we aren't arguing. I genuinely feel connected to him and love him. I don't know if I can live with him again though. I have thought about this a lot. I have so many horrible memories of how he treated me, his A ruined all our firsts and I don't have many positive memories.
How did you do make your decision and would you have done anything different if you had a do-over?
