You all know I sometimes have problems with patience. I'm working on that.
SORRY!
Really it is cuz I luv all my guys and want to make sure all of you are doing fine. I see so much change in all of your attitudes lately. Good changes.
OK, so here's the "lowdown skinny" on the happenings on this past Wed. night when I met up with my W after being dark for the past 4 months:
I was really concerned about meeting her because I didn't know what I was walking into. When I last saw her, she seemed to be starting into her "anger phase"- I knew it didn't have to do with me, since she would only see me maybe once every 3-4 weeks, but I still didn't want to get into any verbal fights with her, especially on our first time meeting up after not seeing her for 1/3 of a year. (man, seems like a much longer time when I put it like that...)
I arranged to meet her at the Starbuck's near her work. I had already decided before I got there that this was her show, and I would let her lead the encounter, and I would follow her lead. After we had our meet and greet, she asks if it's ok to have our coffee outside. I say I have no problem with that, and we go outside. It's a nice day- low to mid 60's with a wind. She explains that her work is throwing out small filing cabinets, and she took one and put it in her car to take back to her apartment before she came to meet me, and that she was overheated, thus the wanting to sit outside and cool down. As we sit down, she says that I look nice, and I thanked her. (I had dressed up a bit before seeing her by splashing on a bit of cologne and throwing a dress jacket on over my button down shirt and slacks I normally wear to work.) After a short silence, I get the expectation that she's waiting for me to compliment her back, so I pay her the same compliment, even though she's not particularly dressed up. As she remarks that I've lost weight, I thought to myself, "yeah, I lost the weight many weeks before I even went dark but you didn't even notice then..." as I acknowledged her observation and thanked her again. She congratulated me on my five year anniversary of being with the organization I work for. I thank her, and then she follows up with, "Aren't you going to congratulate me on my 5 year anniversary with [company]?" While thinking to myself, "Why, yes. Since it's all about you, and we're fishing for compliments...." I responded with the fished for response.
We talked a while- her filling me in on what she's been doing, and me giving her encouragement for her accomplishments, and speaking when spoken to. She asked me how my work was going. I figured I'd try to be a little more communicative since she seemed like she was opening up, but as I responded to her question, I noticed that she really didn't seem to be interested in the answer, so I dropped off short of what I was intending to share. She shared that she had taken up beading. I shared that I was taking up sailing. The conversation was flowing much more freely now, and her body language went from a closed-off, hands cupping her neck with forearms in front of her to a more open attitude. In the middle of the conversation, she remarked about getting cold and asked if we could go back inside. I said that would be no problem, and waited for her to make the motion to get up and go, but she never did. Interesting, I thought. We talked for a while longer and, although her body language was more open, I could also tell that she was getting more visibly chilled. But how to move her inside while letting her take the lead?....
I remembered a local restaurant she had told me about earlier in the conversation. I said "You really look like you're getting cold. Would you like to show me that restaurant you were telling me about earlier?" She readily agreed, and got up. As I began to follow her, she said "You know, we still need to discuss the taxes sometime this evening..." With a smile to myself, I thought "Well, sweetheart, there's absolutely nothing keeping you from talking about them whenever you would like!", but verbally acknowledged her statement with a simple "I know".
We arrive at an English pub themed restaurant and my W asks for a table on the "patio" (since the restaurant is inside a mall, the patio area is technically out in the hall), so that we can get away from the very loud crowd inside. As we arrive at a square table with 4 chairs, I again wait for her to take a seat but she won't sit down because she seems to be waiting on me to sit first. (Though, of course, she's trying not to make it look that way.) I select a seat, and sit down. She promptly selects the seat next to me as opposed to across the table, as she did at the Starbuck's. We discuss some of the items on the menu, as she asks me what the size of a cricket ball is. I ask why, and she shows me the description of one of the meals as having 4 cricket ball sized hamburgers. I then describe to her the approximate size of a cricket ball, and she mocks the size by cupping her fingers together. "So, about that size?" she asks. I try a little experiment, and I reach for her hands and adjust the size of her cupped hands with mine as I say "Probably closer to that". She didn't flinch away from my hands as they touched hers- always a plus. I didn't push my luck, though, and I broke contact with her hands promptly.
We talked about many other topics through the 2 1/2 hour evening together. She mentioned that she wanted to pick up ballroom dancing again. I told her that I had been thinking of doing that too, and that there was a place that had Swing dance nights on Sundays where you came in for a 30 minute lesson, and spent 2 more hours just dancing. She asked what Swing dancing was, which really surprised me- A long time before she went all MLCey, she remarked that she'd really like to try swing dancing lessons, since we had done some swing dancing together in a show back in college. (How could she have forgotten what it was?!?! I've learned that in MLC, most anything is possible....) I seem to have piqued her interest- she took great pains in getting the name of the dance hall from me, asking for the name twice, yet not going to the trouble to write it down. Did she go yesterday evening? I don't know. I wasn't there- I was spending time with my family...
The desperately needed tax talk comprised 5 minutes.
In it she asked me whether we should file jointly or separately. For the first time in the evening, I intentionally said what I thought- "You told me that you were filing separately". She hemmed and hawed for a moment, mumbling something about the lawyer(?!?) telling her that it would be better if she filed separately, but she didn't know, and that she'd call our tax man tomorrow and find out. She then brought out a very interesting remark- she told me that she was having a nice time, (to which I replied that I was, too) but she just wanted me to know that she was serious about what she had said to me back in the early fall of last year (about wanting a D). I looked at her in the eyes over the tops of my glasses as I responded, "And I am serious about what I said to you back in the early fall of last year." (I didn't want a D, and I wasn't signing.) She then proceeded to ask me if I had read the D papers that were sent to me. As I told her I hadn't, she remarked that she highly recommended that I read them and obtain counsel, and that it was a "very generous deal". I recognized right away that this was my wife parroting back the lawyerspeak she had heard from her D lawyer. We had had such a nice night up to that point that I decided that I wanted this to end on a much more positive note than a D talk, so I laid out my first ever boundary- "OK, I'm not going to be discussing this anymore this evening." Instead of her pushing it, which I totally expected, she let it drop. But not begrudgingly. It was very eerie how we moved on to another topic, and she acted as if the D discussion had never even happened!
We paid our bills and left the mall, making our way back to the parking deck at her work, and talking all the while about all sorts of topics. As she walked up to her building, she asked me where I parked. When I told her that I had parked back at the mall, she then asked me if I would like a ride back to my car, justifying it with, "It's the least I can do since you walked me all the way back here to work."
As I accepted and thanked her, I quipped to myself "Yeah, really...that two block walk back is a real killer."
She dropped me off by the parking deck, and we started our goodbyes. I told her that I had a good time tonight, and that we should do this more often. She said something to the effect of "That would be nice". She motioned towards me as if she were going to hug me from the drivers seat. I moved into her, and she hugged me firmly- not tightly, but not half-heartedly. The hug lasted 3 or 4 seconds before she let go, and I made sure to let go when she did. As I left her car, she said "Have fun sailing". I replied back "Have fun beading", she said "Drive safely" to which I replied "You too" and shut the door and walked away.
I learned a lot from our encounter. I learned that she is spending a lot more time with her younger friend, Stephanie, and that they have been out clubbing together, but my W didn't seem to get much out of it. My W is still doing her volunteer history work, and is still involved with her singing group. She mentioned she is also going through a lot of self-reflection. She seemed to be going out of her way to imply (without any prompting on my part) that she is doing a lot of things either alone or with Steph, which I am assuming is meant to mean that she's not seeing the OM as much or anymore. Is this true? I don't know, and I really can't let myself be caught up in being concerned. This is her MLC- no amount of my focusing on her is going to change that. All I can do is GAL and control the only thing I do have control over- me.
But, perhaps most important of all, I learned that I have a much clearer perception of what my W is going through, and I am not as afraid of it as I once was. I have a skill set to cope with everything that has been thrown at me so far, and a pretty good idea of what else to expect should it come down the pike. Most importantly, I have a MUCH better appreciation of how to handle it.
PATIENCE AND FORTITUDE CONQUER ALL THINGS. -Ralph Waldo Emerson
DBing and MLC take their toll....Please provide exact CHANGE. -Jimbo
I didn't push my luck, though, and I broke contact with her hands promptly.