I will leave a link to my story at the bottom. We are separated 7 months now. She had an affair after we separated and I am not sure if it is over or not. She gives me signals that it is but does not tell me that it is. She even began to say "If it helps you feel better about things....." than she stopped and wouldn't finish what she was saying. Could she have been trying to tell me something about her relationship with OM?
She told me that " now we are working on our marriage " while before, she had 99% given up which is why she was involved with OM.
My hard work and unconditional love and setting aside of my pride have turned my wife who had both feet out the door of our marriage to the point where she flirts with me ever so slightly when we talk on the phone and sends me links to homes she is interested in in the area in which I live.
Problem is. She has not RE-COMMITTED to the marriage and as far as I know she is at least spending some time with OM still.
On the topic of OM she tells me things like "it isn't what you think it is" though she has openly admitted having had sex w/ him and having "feelings" for him but she loves me and says she "can't imagine a future without me".
So far though she is still very apprehensive about coming back to me and that is largely based on 2 things. She is afraid that my depression will creep back and sabotage my ability to be gainfully employed and she is terrified of my temper. (I have never and will never hit her) but I do explode very loudly.
I am working on myself and I hope she realizes what she can loose if she does not begin to make larger steps toward me.
The very most difficult times in this for me are the weekends when she could be spending time with OM. I experience the worst kind of anxiety and worry that even though I love her and would forgive my wife for hurting me in the past, I don't know if I can forgive her for continuing to do so.
I have searched and searched this site for success stories similar to mine and found at least one that stopped before I could see if there was a resolution but I have seen now success stories in which there was infidelity then reconciliation.
Things are looking better than they were but I am having trouble judging my next step at this point.
Keep taking it day by day. The OM is that gooey, nasty bandaid. She is shifting toward you...and yet he's still like this addiction, a safety net in case you prove to her you're still the same old guy she left.
It's not easy...my H still works with the woman he had an EA with and was hiding social contact with her a year after he agreed to keep it just business. I have to keep reminding myself I have no control over what he does, only what I choose to do. I look at what's working for us, I control what I can, and I let go of what I can't.
If it's not a deal breaker to you, then put the OM out of your mind. You will deal with that whole issue later...much later. Your priority is to work on you and begin to rebuild your M with your W when she is ready.
What are you doing to work on your temper?
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
The very most difficult times in this for me are the weekends when she could be spending time with OM. I experience the worst kind of anxiety and worry that even though I love her and would forgive my wife for hurting me in the past, I don't know if I can forgive her for continuing to do so.
So sorry you're dealing with this pain...I'm glad you are seeing some hope in your sitch, and that you are really working hard on you. I know this time when you are alone with your worries is excruciatingly difficult.
I don't know what you are doing anger-management-wise, but do you have a strategy to talk yourself down and out of the anxiety, to self-soothe those worries?
Sounds silly, but one of the things that helped me get through was coming up with phrases/affirmations regarding *my* choices, what *I* wanted, who I wanted to be, and chanting them over and over in my head...and when I still couldn't push the worries out, I'd yell them out loud at the top of my lungs. Similar to the DB idea of 'thought-stopping', more like a replacement process.
"I see that you're doing well in your new environment and i'm very glad to see it. I miss you, and I know that I need you. Since you've left, it's been quite hectic in my life and a lot of things happened. I'm very thankful for the support you've given me and a chance for me to take my time.
This past weekend was tough, it would've been *****'s 32nd birthday. (HS Sweetheart that died 10 years ago) I know u don't like when I grieve over him, but I can't help it."
By the way, I don't mind her grieving him in a jealous sense, I hate that she is still in pain.
I still don't know what the heck is happening. She now says "I love you" when we talk on the phone. She is hoping to come and visit me the wkend of May 1, 2009.
She hints to us being together but still nothing solid.
People from work have begun to take me out and I am enjoying myself with other people.
Women have been reminding me that I am an attractive and interesting man.
I am confident abt myself but I want to start planning life again! Going dark at this phase? I don't think so. What should I do?
I thought we were piecing and I think she thought she was too but at the same time she was hedging her bets and keeping him around. She told me she is so confused right now. I feel like my smart and down to earth wife is acting like some stupid highschool girl. She of course has not told him that she is still telling me she loves me and was planning to visit me in a month.
When I realized she was still spending time with him, I told her not to call me until she disposes of him or wants a divorce.
This is terrible. I want to move past her but I feel love and duty both stopping me.
