I walked away

[SarahG]

Hi Everyone,

My husband and I are separated because I did walk away. We both agreed it was the best thing to do.

After many months of reflection he realizes why I felt the way I did and how things got so intolerably bad.

A few weeks ago I reached my limit of "nothing happening". He met me for coffee and told him that unless something changes, I was done. He responded with his desire to attempt to reconcile.

Here is where I am disgusted and frustrated.

I told him that I need him to spend time with me during the week or his goal will never be reached (we are still separated). He agrees that it is a good idea to meet.

We never set up a time. I call him to ask when we are meeting this week he states "can I get back to you?". I ask again later in the week when/are we meeting - we set up a time this weekend and he adds that the fact he has a big project due on 3 weeks isn't helping this.

Please tell me I am not nuts.

Did he just say to his wife (me)who is ready to file for divorce that he can't focus his attention on the family/marriage because he is too busy???!?!?!?

Half the time I laugh that he is such a knucklehead that it is amusing, the other half I cry because I am just so sick of not being a priority in his life.

I want my family to be together, but I just can't bear to live my life like this.

If he doesn't "get it" now, I just don't think he ever will or is capable of it.

We have an appointment with our very good therapist on Wednesday - I think about not going because I am that close to throwing in the towel after 5 years of marriage hell.

Thanks for listening. Any feedback is welcome.

[PositivelyMommy]

Hi SarahG,

From reading what you have posted above, there are some possibilities that come to my mind:

1) That he really is too busy and cannot find the time to meet with you

2) He is playing games with you, telling you one thing and then doing another to 'control' you - being passive aggressive

3) He has no idea what he is doing and is bumbling along your M, sticking his head in the sand and hoping everything will turn out in the end

From your expereience with your H, what is your gut feeling? Which do you think it is? BTW, when you met for coffee and gave your ultimatum, how did you present yourself? Were you angry, resigned, matter-of-fact, cheerful, like you didn't really care of that outcome was?

Believe it or not, you are in a marketing role. Your product is YOU. Imagine you are watching a commercial on TV, would you be more attracted to a product if the ad had a sense of humor, cheerful smiling people who are having fun? Or would you be attracted to an angry ad with people scowling at the camera?

Just my two cents, sorry. I have been in your shoes in one year now and I finally realized that acting 'as if' is about marketing as well. We can't change the other person and make them 'get it' by talking with them, if it had worked, then it would have worked years ago. No, we have to do something different. That something is called manipulation. There is a negative connotation with this word in our society but I think it doesn't deserve it.

I think manipulation is a form of communication that is done without using speech. Rather, it is by action. I think all women should have a class in this new form of communication. We would be saved a lot of grief and our H's would never complain that we nag or complain too much.

I am going to read up on this subject but just thought I would share some food for thought.

BTW, go to the therapist. Remember, how you are marketing yourself (in the session as well) and don't nag anymore. If you find that you have to repeat anything, your H will see it as nagging even if your tone of voice or your manner is not nagging in my book.

[dday101798]

Keeping an open mind: have you taken thought that he may just be terribly confused?

As a LBS myself, when the moment of realization hits of the things you've done wrong to drive your spouse to be the WAS, you find yourself questioning your own self worth. You can find all over these board LBS's beating the ever living tar out of themselves and blaming themselves FOR EVERYTHING. And when that part stops, the confusion sets in.

I'm not saying it's the case for you or your H, but jsut an option.

Good luck.

[breakaway]

Passive Aggressive