Divorce looming #6

[K4D]

Divorce looming #7 coming up shortly. This post got used up fast.

Kevin

[JDOllie]

Detaching is a process - I don't think you did anything horrible, especially if W was engaging in the conversation.

I would leave the weight loss thing alone now though - telling her once is one thing, but going on about it might seem like an attempt to impress her or something. I especially can't see how the diabetes thing could hurt - to me that is showing W that she has some value, and is worth something. Might seem really piddly and small, but those will add up.

Again, detaching is sort of like peeling off a sticker. You have to go slow, and pull firmly or it'll just tear, and then you have to pick at it, and it'll take forever, and leave a sticky residue.

So, take it easy - keep strong, let W soak awhile. Don't call her or talk to her at all tomorrow now!

[K4D]

Thanks JD,

I will have to actually talk to her tomorrow night because we are both scheduled for an appointment with our kids counselor. So I will be on the speaker phone for that. But other than that, I can leave her alone.

What makes it hard to go completely dark is that at night I usually have to text her to get to talk to my kids on webcam. There schedule seems to differ alot. Then everytime we log on, she is always on it first. I inevitably end up having to talk to her before the kids get on. Its usually short though.

So the best I can do is just not contact her except for that. Half the time my kids don't have their cell phones with them. D7 managed to lose hers. D11 finally found hers. But doesn't always even hear it when I call. I always try to call them first. But then finally I text W so I can talk to them.

Again tonite, when the kids were talking to me, she inserted her own comments and telling them what to tell me about their day.

I am going to have to ask her to leave the room. But generally its on her computer in her room and she likes to get on the treadmill in her room while they are talking to me.

I do need to go dark and stick with it for once. Other than that situation to talk to my kids, I can do that. Tomorrow I will leave her alone other than our appointment when I need to be on the phone.

The rest of the week I won't have any real reason to talk to her so I can avoid her except at night if she gets on webcam first.

Kevin

[25yearsmlc]

please do NOT TELL THEMEM until you speak with people who are not hurting from this and ending their marriages (Sorry JD, but are you really the one to tell him what to do on this? You are living in a nightmare no one would wish on anyone, and I'm so sorry...) so Kev, contact a DB coach and see how well that will move you towards your goal.

Oh wait, it won't do that at all. It'll be an attempt to punish your wife under the "guise of honesty" and will prompt her to do what? Wake up and run back to you??? Yeah? Sure!!! Or will it bring out something else in her? What if she does this-- complain and say every nasty thing about you until she pops! She' has them now and she'll win the bad mouthing contest saying YOU LEFT HER AND THE KIDS b/c you were too weak or whatever....& in her mind, she had her reasons for wanting out. Do you want HER TELLING THEM THOSE REASONS????

Down the road, SOMEDAY, if you are NOT reconciled AND if they questions things (for they know more than they let on and that does NOT mean they want to hear it from YOU) THEN let the truth come out. But right now you are in a bad position to be debating this AGAIN debating what to do and say about HER/her/her/her....

When will you realize all you are supposed to be doing now is being here now, leaning on GOD and doing your best as a man.?? Just do it! Yeah it is hard but it is NOT complicated....OMG KEVIN, put the STOP SIGN up with images of her. Enough. YOu are a grown man. Doctors and surgeons have to function at work with dying family members (my h) and with cheating wives (FIB) and they DO IT!! So come on, you can do this, you can start studying in an empty house with NO distractions but your internal ones, instead absolutely obsessing....WOW...

What's it gonna take Kev? Divorce papers in your lap? Why on earth are you even contemplating telling your little ones the sitch right now??WHY?? Yeah you want to blame her, we all get that....it is not noble. It is not for THEM no matter how you try to convince yourself b/c you'll forget your own foibles and harp on the A and you know what? Realistically, you won't even come out ahead on that issue. You'll look petty and weak and vindictive and she'll appear justified and even if she doesn't "Win" then you'll tie.

Instead, be dignified (NOT WEAK) and gracious and make it clear you want to be with them and MAKE THAT HAPPEN and then let the cards fall where they fall. The kids will figure out the timing and the fact that you never point the finger will elevate you in their eyes. It does NOT need to be said for them to know the deal. ANd you are NOT the one to say it. It looks so much better for someone else to tell them or for them to figure it out. IF THEY EVER ASK YOU....then you can address that at the time. NO WAY will this help you with your wife. MAYBE not telling them will, but telling them is a sure fire way for you to alienate everyone on the fence about it. Some things kids that age don't need to hear about their mothers.

Why not call her a whore?? What's the diff? Since YOU think it's so wrong and YOU MUST SAY WHATEVER YOU THINK RIGHT THEN B/C YOU CANNOT WAIT A MINUTE FOR WHAT IS BEST FOR THEM.......

I urge you to consult a child psychologist for this issue and what is best for them to handle at this stage of things and their age. Please do so LATER after you take care of chopping the wood in front of you, instead of constantly changing gears and getting off track. Kev, honestly, have you always been this way? Can you stick to anything? Why did you give the "good job" to your wife and not take it yourself???? Why did you think you would lose your job so you felt you had to leave?? Shouldn't you work on finishing SOMETHING you begin....????? You keep letting your mind wander...a lot and I'd think you would welcome the chance to focus on something else but you must like wallowing and fiddling around in diff directions....

Come on, get back on track and stay there...FOR TWO WEEKS??? CAN YOU DO ONE APPROACH FOR TWO WEEKS?? I MEAN IT'S ALMOST LAUGHABLE, BUT I'M SERIOUS...can you Kev? I have been here coming on 3 years now...can you last 2 weeks? A month?? COME ON!! If you must obsess, read the DR books again and again or whatever other ones recommended, til they are in your head and working there....

((( j )))

[MrBond]

Another bit of tough love from 25.

Kevin, I agree that you shouldn't bring anything up to the kids yet. As for the webcam, your oldest is 11 years old, can't she set it up herself so your W doesn't have to be there?

[volleydog]

Kevin sorry I didn't get back with you this weekend wrt to your resume but it seems like things are going well. I was going to suggest going the BA route or maybe going PM and getting your PMI.

[K4D]

Yes.

Kevin

[K4D]

Stuck808,

D11 can set it up. Just W does not let them mess with her computer.

Kevin

[K4D]

The problem I am running into is how to answer the question of why I left my last position so that it doesn't reflect poorly on me. This is a tough one. Suggestions are welcomed.

Kevin

[K4D]

So I think I am going to say that there were family matters that required my full time and attention including having to come to Florida to help my dad. But thankfully those matters are now resolved and I can get back to focusing on my career.

Kevin