Divorce looming #6

[K4D]

I can't seem to study today. I think the weekends are the hardest without my W. They say A's last on average about 6 months. This one is going on 7 months now if you count the emotional aspect of it.

I wonder how long JD's W had an A for? It seems to be finally dying off a bit. How long did that one last I wonder.

Kevin

[K4D]

I have a phone interview for a job next week. Hopefully I will get it and get things going.

Kevin

[JDOllie]

Kevin,
I wouldn't be purposefully dishonest with the kids - even if it is to surprise them. I think it'd be OK to be mysterious, I understand what you're wanting.

My W's A was a little different from the norm - OM was seriously a complete dork, and absolutely opposite of W. He simply was very quiet/meek, and very nice - heh, calling someone "very nice" is what you usually say when you break up with them!

Also, he lives 2 hours away, and has three kids, and they aren't real well-behaved. Also, as far as I know the A wasn't a PA, or if it was the PA part was very short-lived. It started out in mid-December, and they stopped really "dating" in mid-February, so even then it wasn't hot and heavy.

And, if 6 months is an average, you'd have to know what the extremes are. I would suggest a range of 1 month to 12 months - but who knows where you fall?

[K4D]

I'd say my W's A is extreme. So I guess I could see it going up to 12 months then. I already know my W's is PA.

I really just didn't want to disapoint my kids if I couldn't make it up there in time is why I am not telling them right now.

However, I have a job interview lined up by phone for next week. So I get it, I will definitely be up there very soon. But I can't count on it unless they tell me I have it. It would be a permanent job to, not a contract position so I would have benefits. They want SQL knowledge which I have some of and am working on learning more as well as good spreadsheet knowledge which I also have.

I'm hoping its a prayer being answered. We shall see.

If I get it, I will go ahead and tell my kids I am heading up there. If not, then I won't tell them until I get ready to leave to head up there. I'm hoping at most its 2 weeks left here.

I did talk to W again tonite when she logged onto webcam for the girls. She actually was talking to me. She didn't complain about anything with regard to me. It was really a nice conversation. We talked about how tired she was because her mother stayed the night last night and snored all night. So that kept W up. Then we talked about our kids. D11 got up and made breakfast for D7 and their younger cousin and watched them while W slept. So W paid her. I told D11 how proud I was of her for that and how responsible she is becoming.

It dawned on me tonite that I may finally be able to get my life back up and going if I get this job. I would be able to get my own place in a month or 2. Have my kids with me every other week. Its really stressful not having a job so that would be a prayer answered. I could start enjoying myself again and figuring out how to make a path for myself in Dallas. It will take some getting used to being alone every other week. But thats what friends are for.

I'll make it. I'm starting to have a little more hope and confidence in things. I feel like I am just ready to get back to work and get things going. Whatever happens in the M is going to happen. But if I can just get everything else going, I'll be ok.

Kevin

[K4D]

I just got back from church today. i always feel a little better when I go to church. Of course I ask God to please heal my family and marriage.

I have been praying with my daughters at night on the phone. Today while I was eating at Arbys, the song "I'm going home" by Chris Daughtry came on and it made me think of Dallas and how much I need to get back there.

Something that came up between me and my dad today was, should the kids know that mommy is having an affair? He thinks yes they should. I know JD's kids know. But that is because his W introduced the OM to them. So it was kind of inevitable. But in my case, should the kids know what is really going on?

Kevin

[JDOllie]

Kevin,
I specifically explained to my kids what an affair is and why it's wrong.

I said:
1. An affair is when a husband or wife has a "boyfriend" - something that no one should ever do. I called it "cheating" - kids understand what cheating is.
2. The reason it's wrong is because Mommy made a promise to God and me that she would be with no one else while we were married.

I wouldn't bring it up unless the kids ask about it. I don't shove it down my kids throats - I even tell them that I don't think Mommy's a bad person, just that this is something that is wrong.

W has never argued with me - or said anything different. One time she told them that we WOULD be divorced if she had the money, and that's the only reason. So, I told the kids that we could be divorced, and I offered to pay for it, so Mommy has no reason.

I never say a single negative thing ever about W - but I don't hesitate on this.

[K4D]

I don't say anything negative about my W either to my kids. I tell them that I love their mommy and nothing will ever change that. When I pray with them at night I ask that God heal our M and family. But I tell my kids to keep faith in God no matter what happens and that I will always love them and mommy.

So they know. I also told them that it is not God's will for us to D. They know it is wrong at least when they talk to me. Now I don't know what they are being told on the other end if anything since I am not there.

I won't tell them about the A. I don't think they should know right now. I'm not sure when they should know. If she introduces OM to them, then I will let them know what has happened as I don't think they need to show OM any respect for assisting in breaking up their family. But for now, ya, I think its best to hold off.

I have my phone interview tomorrow. I'm hoping that goes well. Either way, I am looking at 2 more weeks and then being back in Dallas and staying with my friend while I get a job if I don't get this one.

I just keep playing that song "I'm going home".

Kevin

[K4D]

Holy Moly,

I just weighed myself. Back in early September I started out at 245 pounds. Now I am at 195 pounds. Thats 50 pounds I lost through this process. I'm a toothpick now.

Now I just have to work on building muscle. It feels good to be down to a normal weight after being so heavy for so many years.

I feel better physically. My pants are all falling off. So I need a new wardrobe.

Now if I can get this job and build some muscle, I will be well on my way back to being worth having.

Kevin

[song]

Kevin,

I'm with you on the broken heated quick weight loss plan - I'm down from 252 to 195 myself, and suffering from many of the same frustrations you are.

As for telling your kids about the affair, I can't comment on that because that isn't something I've had to address, but I have been very clear with my kids that it was their Moms decision to move out and break up the family, and that it will be her decision to bring the family back together or keep us apart.

Others have cautioned me to not assign blame or disparage my W, but I never say anything disparaging about her, and always tell my kids that I love her and always will. However, I will not say that it was OUR decision to separate. However this turns out, I will always be able to tell my kids that I NEVER gave up on our marriage or our family.

[K4D]

I'm with you Song. My kids know this all falls on my W as far as a decision goes. I'm perfectly willing to be separated as far as not living in the same house to try and work on things. But D is not something I am for and my kids know that.

I wonder if when I get back and start getting my kids every other week if that will have any impact on W. Of course I won't get them every other week until school lets out. But still. I think she will think the time off is great at first. But I wonder if after a while if she will start to think differently. Especially if the kids are having a great time with me.

Who is to say. I screwed up tonite. I told W about my weight loss cause I was all excited. Then I found out that my SIL has gestational diabetes cause she is pregnant, so I asked my W if she could call her to give her some tips since my W went through the same thing. I think I talked to her to much. UGG. I clearly have not detached. Why can't I detach? Why is this so hard for me? Probably one reason is that I am not looking for anyone else and nor will I. I think that makes it harder to detach.

Kevin