Almost done DBing, now focusing on the Kids

[NewMe]

My current sitch is in "limbo", but waiting for W's D papers. I've totally accepted her decision, and am still open to a miracle, but will have a new and joy-filled life with or without her going forward. I think I'm as detached as I can be emotionally and physically. We're still in the same house and even in the same bed - not sure why, maybe because we haven't told the kids yet. Since the bomb ten months ago, through GALing and detachement, I'm learning to love myself and the fear of being alone or not finding someone new, is diminishing more day by day.

Issue at hand today is how to really connect with my kids and take our relationship to a new level. I've been the non-nurturing, disciplinary, more serious/less fun one for TOO LONG. I had a tipping point last night when my W worked late and I did dinner, homework help, clean-up, laundry, putting the kids to bed, reading books at bedtime, and preparing for a business trip that I leave for today. My patience was too thin, and when I was yelling at s12 about something stupid, he said "dad, why are you so mean?". My heart sank. If the W's bomb was my life's wake-up call, this is my wake-up call as a parent.

For almost two years now, I've been working hard on the M. Not that I was a stellar dad before, but during this time I've been preoccupied with losing my marriage (and family) most of my waking hours. I've done what I've done for the last two years to help keep my family together, but ironically, did little to improve as the father in the family . This is the day I want to begin.

Questions to you all (dads and moms): As a dad, described above, how would I best start the connection process with my kids and be the most amazing parent possible? I don't want to become their BFFs or become a disneyland dad, when the D is done, but have a heathy, bonded and totally loving relationship. Any great books out there that anyone can recommend? Should I re-direct my DB Coach sessions to focus on my parenting role? Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

NM

Current threads:
D Train is leaving and I'm on board

Just because I'm losing doesn't mean that I'm lost

[abby smiles]

Hi NewMe,

It sounds like you have a great attitude and the fact that you are determined to focus on your children is very admirable! I have learned that my kids (S18, D15) both appreciate the small things that we do together....talking about their day at school, watching a DVD together, going out for breakfast, cooking together, etc... You can connect with them by really taking the time to listen to what they have to say each day. If you give them your undivided attention a little bit each day it will go a long way. I have found this really works for me.

I am a new member and it sounds like my situation is similar to yours. We haven't told the kids yet....still sleeping in the same bed.....but he is emotionally detached (not physically) but I'm not! Your post is an inspiration to me that maybe I'll get there someday.

Hugs and good luck to you! Don't beat yourself up about the kids. They will come around once they see you making small steps in the right direction!

Abby

[NewMe]

Abby,

Thanks for stopping by and offering your advice on this kids. I see that you have a lot going on in your own sitch and will check up on you later.

I have to be careful and not go into fix-it-mode with the kids. That didn't work so well with my W in the past. And I know there's no magic solution or book for being a great parent. I think the stresses of my sitch has caused me to lose focus on my kids. Even my recent GALing causes me to lose focus, but I NEED to keep doing that. They will come in a close second to making myself happy cause if I'm not happy... (or is that "if mama's not happy...).

You're right that sometimes it's the little things. I am used to crawling in bed with D6 and D8 to read books, but one night I jumped up into S12's loft bed and it just looked at me kind of quizical, but smirking. And we talked before he went to bed. I need to do more of that and watch my patience and temper.

NM

[Thinker]

I find that the more I focus on my W and my R, the more stressed and distracted I get, and the less I am able to focus on my kids. Several times when I was really stressed and focused on my W, I was unable to deal with the little interruptions and stresses that young kids bring.

The more I detach, the better my R with my kids.

Good luck - keep it up.

[NewMe]

Thinker,

Good points. I too, have found that I can focus now more on the kids, feeling so detached from my W. The other night when I lost it was more of an anomoly and one I don't want to repeat.

I think I've also realized (that I posted somewhere else recently) is that the whole DBing process has the potential to focus so much on your W/H or M, that you lose focus elsewhere. GALing can have some counterbalancing effect, but I don't think it's feasible to work on the M (or not and DB), work on yourself AND focus on your kids, let alone work, etc.

Something I read recently talked about how getting TOO involved even here, can distract the best of us from really getting out there and GALing or doing a good job at work (where I am now). That was a wake-up call for me. It's not to say that this site isn't pure gold - cause it is. It's just that we all need some balance - between or M or D, our selves, kids, work and anything else.

NM

[Thinker]

Agreed! I think it may be a part of being male

One of my strengths is that I can focus on something, even something difficult, and drive until I get it done.

This same characteristic is also a weakness. If I focus on something, I lose focus on everything else. I can float along sharing attention across a lot of things, but if something really concerns me (like my work at times in my past, or my M during the past few months) then I lock in on that and lose focus (or even interest) in everything else. When I was focused on my work, I ignored my M (part of what got me here...). Now when I have been focused on my M (past 6 months), I lost focus on my work.

Balance is hard.

I think that is part of why GAL, etc helps me detach. If I focus on myself, then I just can't focus as much on my W.

btw, I am also at work and not working

[confusedinpa]

What was most interesting for me during this roller coaster ride is last nite, my 7 year old said soemthing about me acting differently. I asked him in a good way or bad way.

He said whole heartedly in a good way.

I jokingly asked if he wanted me to go back to the way I was.

He laughed and said no way!

It is really a good reminder that the 180 (or awakening is what I call it) is not for the wife, but it is for you and the people around you.

[NewMe]

CIP,

Good for you!!! Your post made so much sense to me just now. I know the GALing was for me - but also as a 180 and for my W to take notice, gain back her attraction, etc.

It never really hit me that if it didn't help with her, it would help with others - like my beautiful kids! I know I'm getting happier (and healthier) now that I've taken time for me, but now I need to give the kids some of the attention that has been placed on my W and R for the past 18 months.

Go Dads, Go!

NM

[ppenton]

Listening, playing games with my kids has help to connect even more now that my W has left the building. GALing and working on myself also helps them see I can survive a blow to the gut and move ahead. Keep up the good work!

[PortlandDad]

So this is the thread that all the LBH are hanging out in!

I have also found that focusing on me and kids has completely transformed the way that I think about my W. As my R with them gets better, it starts to rub off on her, too. Except for the eensy weensy problem of her living on a different continent, she is almost my W again

I'm glad to hear that others are having a similar awakening and are making lemonade out of the lemons that we were dealt.