First post... looking for advice and where I'm at.

[sweet-1]

Hi all, I'm new here and while I'm waiting for the DR book to arrive, I thought I'd try asking for some advice.

First of all, my wife was contacted in August 08(Facebook) by an old high school friend. We've been having what I thought was minor issues for the last few years, but we always seemed to work through them. Anyway while the friend was reacquainting himself with my wife, I thought it was okay at the time, seemed above board, I purchased a new vehicle for my work. While at the time it seemed like a good idea as it's covered by expenses etc, I never asked my wife. Anyway when the truck was brought home, all hell broke loose and we hardly spoke for 2 weeks. Then Nov 2 she tells me she wants a separation, I didn't like it, but there really isn't alot I could do except refuse to move out. She left with the 2 kids in tow (5 and 11). A few days later I offered to move out etc, but she refused to come back without a mediated agreement..okay I guess.

Any way, we barely spoke over the holidays, etc. As per the mediated agreement, we each lived in the house for 1 week with the kids, the other would stay in hotels or at a friend's place. On Feb 10, I found her statement of claim for the divorce while cleaning the house (dated Jan 27, served Feb 18), Through out this she has been telling me she has been faithful etc, I've made ALL the mistakes, flowers, emails, phonecalls, date offers etc, but the other day, she came by for some stuff,(my week) and a receipt from a gas station almost 4 hours away fell out of her door.
Curiousity got the better of me and I phoned a hotel next to the gas station. It turns out the other guy had paid cash for a room the previous Saturday night.

Side note, she turned 40 March 1st, and the day before she walked out I had booke da hall for her party etc, to try and show her I was truly sorry for the truck.

The thing is, I'm disappointed but not overly angry. I still love her very much and feel I can actually forgive this. I think this guy is married as well, and she seems quite conflicted what little I talk to her. I've been keeping my distance since the new year, other than kid related issues. I want very much to have the woman I married (my best friend) back, but friends and family have all commented how completely different and irrational she is. And I love her enough to fight for her.

My question is, I want to ask her (not confront) about what I know, or should I just let it go for now? Or should I try and get more info (pics etc) then talk to her? She's the type to put her guard up and overreact so I'm confused as to what to do.

She wants to try collaborative law for the divorce (separated less than 6 mos), and has filed for sole custody, despite our mediated week on week off custody agreement, spousal support, etc. Given the infidelity and absolute rush to divorce (filed before trial separation had even ended), is collaborative likely to fail?

PS I'm in Alberta Canada, are there DB coaches up here, the long distance charges would kill me.

L

[pearlharbr]

Hi sweet-1

Welcome to the boards. I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation, but you've come to a great place for support.

I can't really give you any specific advice about your sitch as it's very different from my own. I can tell you there are two trains of thought regarding affairs (A): expose/confront or become the better option and wait it out. You can look around for people who have chosen these different paths and see how it's working for them. That may help you determine which way you want to go.

While we wait for others to chime in I can offer some hints on how to get along here.

Read others' threads. You'll see a commonality which is usually comforting. Post to others' threads. Even if you don't have any advice to offer you can offer words of support. This will introduce you to others and let them know you're here.

Be patient. Sometimes it takes a while for people to find you. It helps to keep all your posts on one thread and not be all over the place. If your thread is falling down in the list it's ok to bump it up yourself.

Give us some more background. How old are you? How long have you been together/married? What are your W's complaints about you (besides buying the truck)? Are there other issues in your marriage (M) that you have noticed?

Since you don't have the book yet I will tell you that you need to keep in mind you cannot change her actions, only your own. Focus on improving yourself through addressing any issues that you have, engage in getting a life (GAL) through activities.

And no, I don't believe there are DB coaches in Canada.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

sweet-1,

OK, first of all you need a new name, LOL. I think you should confront your wife; why wouldn't you? Isn't this very serious? No shouting, no angry outbursts, just calmly tell her that "I know all about you and ______ , and it needs to stop. It's incredibly disrespectful to me and our marriage (and if you have kids, throw in " . . . and our family.")

Do NOT tell her HOW you know, only that you know (never reveal the source of good intel!).

All you can really do at this point is let her know that you're NOT willing to live in an open marriage (a boundary); what she then decides to DO is completely up to her (you can't control her).

And then work on YOURSELF.

Most people make the mistake of either:

- begging, pleading, pursuing, flowers, gifts, etc;

- giving ultimatums (you can't tell THEM what to do (controlling); only convey what YOU are and are not willing to live with (boundary);

- being totally passive and allowing them to cake-eat.

Hope that helps,

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

P.S.

While I'm not usually one to give legal advice, I would NEVER advocate that someone do a "collaborative" settlement, and give up full custody!, when there is active adultery going on. In my case, I filed for FULL CUSTODY, and was willing to work backwards towards 50/50 from there. But there was no way I was going to put my boys in the custody of a woman that was meeting up in dark parking lots to have sex in her boyfriend's truck.

But that's just me.

Puppy

[sweet-1]

Thanks for the replies.
For more info, I'm 36, she just turned 40. We;ve been together for 13 years, married for four (college careers etc), her first amrriage ended when her husband had repeated affairs (in the military stationed abroad). Our son is 11 will be 12 in a month, and our daughter is 6. She's never acted like this before, or at least this level, and is absolutely adamant that it's over. But I see in her alot of turmoil etc. She says she never really gave me her heart (?), but it was her idea to have the second child, we told each other we love the other every day.

In 2006 her father bought her a registration for something called the "woman within training weekend" It's a division of the Mankind project, both are listed on cult websites. They went on a 48 hour weekend, with little or no sleep, repetitve chanting etc, then at the end they tell them you can only trsut intiated women, no one else. that's when the little arguments started. Her dad finally convinced me to do the male version (what a joke), I left it feeling abused and cheated.

Anyway we had a mediated trial separation that was supposed to end jan 31. her initial statement of claim was from Jan 27, and she tried to have my a friend of mine serve me. At present she has moved out (second time now) to a 1 bedroom appt almost an hour away, on her week she drives the kids to school etc, they sleep on a hide-a-bed. She turned down $1400/month to stay in the house, (she makes $18/hr and wants spousal support). I just know in my heart that this is the right thing to do (I still love her very much), and this whole divorce feels way too rushed, It can't be finalized until 1 year anyway.

[Sugar and Spice]

FWIW I'm with Puppy (as usual). There is NO WAY on God's green earth I would even entertain the thought of giving full custody to someone who is engaging in irrational and potentially harmful activities...not with my kids. I would counter file for full custody and negotiate to 50/50. Maybe I'm just a skeptic or I am overly protective, but I would have a huge probelm with my kids being exposed to some stranger my S was cheating with. They are not thinking about the kids or what is in their best interest and certainly will not be doing their best "parenting" under these circumstances. Think long and hard about what you are and are not willing to live with, caving in to her demands will not win her back. You will just be stuck and regretting not standing up for you and your kids.

Just work on you and start GAL. You can't control her or change her actions, only she can. The fact that she is conflicted shows that she is not completely gone but you have to step up and be there for your kids and for yourself.

Has there been any exposure of her A with family or friends? Anyway to find out if OM is actually M?

[Phoenixdeux]

Dude,

I would let her know that you know. I wouldn't use it as a springboard to saying, "but I'll forgive you", to rant at her, and unlike Puppy, I'm a little uncertain about even saying, "I won't tolerate it" when the person has reached the point they already are saying they want a divorce. I'm wholeheartedly for outing it and putting my foot down when you are not actively pursuing divorce, but at some point it seems to me the spouse doesn't care if you won't tolerate it and just sees it as macho controlling stuff. I would go a step further and out the affair to this guy's wife. She deserves to know sooner rather than later.

Secondly, you need to make sure you are looking out for your full paternal rights. This isn't the time to play Mr. Nice guy while you are screwed over. It doesn't have to be vicious, but it needs to be clear that you intend to fight for your kids.

Lastly, this thing could blow over, especially if you tell this guy's wife and he ends up having to grovel to an angry wife and kick yours loose. I would start working on making your life as good as possible. Go under the assumption that she fully intends to divorce you and proceed accordingly. She may come back if this affair ends, but you can't wait around in stasis for it to happen. You can be friendly to her, just not a doormat. No more begging, pleading, promises to change, or otherwise looking like a wuss. Be strong, confident, and unbroken. Don't let her see you as anything other than fully put together.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Dude,

I would let her know that you know. I wouldn't use it as a springboard to saying, "but I'll forgive you", to rant at her, and unlike Puppy, I'm a little uncertain about even saying, "I won't tolerate it" when the person has reached the point they already are saying they want a divorce.

Where did I say that?

[Phoenixdeux]

"I know all about you and ______ , and it needs to stop. It's incredibly disrespectful to me and our marriage (and if you have kids, throw in " . . . and our family.")

That's kind of what this is. When the spouse has almost completely checked out, I'm just not sure about "needs to stop". It all depends on where she's at with this. I would do that if she was still at least faking she was still in the marriage, but where it sounds like she's checked out and will just say, "I've told you I want divorced. I don't consider myself married anyway, so you really have no say about it."

Was your wife sneaking around without talking about divorce or was she talking divorce already? That's why I said, "wasn't sure" if I'd do that. Maybe you are right that it still needs to be said. I would probably be more like, "I know all about it. I can't control what you do, but it's disrespectful and I don't want the kids around him and I don't want to even be friends with you under these circumstances." Just kicking things around here.

[sweet-1]

I'm not sure how long it's been going on, I suspect before we separated as there were alot of trips out of town. She has filed for divorce, but it seems kind of hurried and may have been to prove a point (?).Her family doesn't know about the affair, they thought they were just friends, I'm still not entirely sure if he's married or not, as I've been concentrating on myself and the kids for the last few mos. I think I'm going to let it sit for a couple of weeks, and if the divorce proceeds, then we can discuss it.

She keeps telling the kids about how her happiness is the most important thing here, and how her parents divorce (very bitter and abusive) made her a stronger person. Apparently, she won't be in the same room with them when he calls, she goes out in the hallway and talks for an hour or so. The kids don't like going to her place because it's so small and she ignores them for the phone and computer.

My lawyer doubts if we'll be able to go through with collaborative, as do I.