Hi all, I have posted before under emotional state and can't remember what the title to my post was.
But, in summary my husband and I have been separated for three years without a single word from him about relationship. It is like I never existed see him at our daughters house all the time he doesn't speak to me.
He has moved in with an older friend of his . Yesterday I saw him coming out of a coffee shop with the friends daughter. She is a friend of mine. They were behind me and when I turned into my subdivision he just kept going. I don't think they are having an affair. She just bought a house and I am sure he is fixing it and they were out shopping for materials.
But, to me a woman and man should not be out together by themselves. If it were me I would drive myself to the store and meet him there.
I had another friend that also would call him to come over and fix things. Like hang drapes or install things on computer. I told him that I was not comfortable with him going alone. He got upset and told me to call her and tell her that.He just kept answering her requests.
I am so inclined to call him and let him have it. And, to call her also and let her know how I feel about it. I even printed literature about emotional affairs. But, I have laid it aside.
I am sorry, I have to agree. 3 Years is a long time to not have contact and then expect to have a say in what he does. You could make one last attempt to clarify whatever issues you had and see if he is willing to do anything about it but he seems fine the way things are.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Which is what I try to keep in mind. Three years of not contact from him not counting the years we lived together in marriage in name only.
I have filed divorce. We are going in front of judge this month just so that the court knows if we are still serious since some people file out of anger and don't follow through. I can at anytime before that file for full divorce action. This is what I want to do now. I have to go on.
I am even looking into buying a home out of this area to not see him so often.Need to start a new life new friends new surroundings.
Please continue your advice. As I know what I need to do but,hard to do it because of emotions. I still feel something for him even after all this time. Is that normal? Have some of you gone through this?
Some of us, I am sure, have gone through some terrible things and still have some feelings for ex. I don't have feelings for the "man" my ex has become but for the man I married and had 4 children with, that I mourn.
He makes it easy in some ways, he shaved his head down to stubble and is trying to grow a beard. He dresses strangely for him. He says some downright ugly things to me and then acts surprised that I am not overly accommadating. he is ready to hurt me at every turn and forces the OW upon my children while they are still coping with Daddy leaving them and this OW breaking up their family. They are none to pleased to say the least.
So see, it is best to move on. I am actually waiting for S16 to get his DL so that he can drive and I won't have to have ex help get the kids to school!!
Hang in there.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Wow, what you said about the man that your x has become versus the man he was.I tell people I love my husband but, not the man.
And, yes I still love the man that he was even though he never was attention even in beginning. When I think about things it is more of the family structure.
I have gone through several emotional steps. Missing the family all at home. The letting go of the place where we lived. Sometimes the guilt of making not praying hard enough. Maybe I shouldn't divorce him because he hasn't had an affair(That I know off).
My husband didn't care about his health. Since we broke up he has gotten his teeth fixed and has gotten some needed surgeries. And with me we all live in same small town. I am close to my granddaugthers and spend a lot of time over at my daughters during weekends. That is where I see him. Now my daughter bought a house on same street where he is staying and, he just pops in and out all day . Doesn't speak to me at all. It is like I am the invisible lady.
You hang in there too. Emotions will be triggered back and forth. I sure know. That loneliness that you feel only a man can fill.I have spent three years all by myself. I don't even have male friends. I think that is good. I have to work on myself anyway.As I have been left with low self esteem.
I see that you have small children plus teens. I pray that God gives you the strength to handle all of this. I sometimes am grateful that mine are grown. Or, it would have been much harder. My greatest concern was my daughter. But, I sat down with her and told her why I was doing what I had to do. She understands.
Thank you. That is nice of you to say, I didn't mean to vent just show that what they have become isn't always worth missing! I do miss having a relationship and I liked being married for the most part.
His affair(yes I still call it that since it is with the same person that knowingly went after a married man with small kids)has been going on for nearly 3 years. He says the wackiest things that lead to me believe he is in the throws of a major mid-life crisis. By the time he comes out of it, if ever, I will be long gone. He has caused too much damage.
I think you should keep busy doing activities you enjoy, taking up a new hobby, making new friends male and female. I actually make friends easier with guys and couldn't imagine not having them in my life. No dating yet, I'll get there and so will you.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
My problem is that I don't get out much. Have joined some divorce groups but,their activities don't agree with my Christian beliefs. I have a lot of loneliness.
I am not comfortable with male friends. Most are husbands of my female friends. I think we are shunned by the couples.
I did make a male friend connected with my business. He took me out to dinner. I drove my own car to keep it safe. He was a nice man. But,then stopped calling me. I hurt my feelings because even though I wasn't looking for romance with him it hurt that he was male. It compounded my low self esteem.
That is the problem. People have remorse after awhile and then want to come back. But, by then partner has moved on.
I know that when my husbands friend passes away he will be all alone. And, then will not have me.I have felt so abandoned and alone. I don't know why I am still holding on to hope with this man.
We shouldn't date till we are healed. Sometimes I feel that the void that I am feeling can only be filled by a man. But, I don't want one. I have to feel good with myself.
We all must or, we will be stuck right back with someone that is just like him.
Perhaps try to do some things that are outside your comfort zone. Try a few adult education courses. Get more active in your church. Volunteer somewhere. Get out into life.
I'll probably be tarred and feathered here, but in many of the situations I read here, I feel it isn't so much the husband/wife that is missed, it's just a person to share things with. It's missing the ideal of a spouse, not that particular spouse. I sat next to an elderly lady on the plane whos husband had died quite a while before. She said she missed having someone to tell about something interesting she heard, share the crossword puzzle with, etc. We grow comfortable with our spouse and don't really want to start over developing that comfortable feeling. In so doing, we almost idolize our spouse, like that person is the only one for us. If some that had been separated, divorced, or otherwise going through this for a long time would look really hard at it, I doubt this "love" would stand the light of any kind of scrutiny. We want what we can't have.
I wonder if seeing your husband with this "friend" didn't stir up some feelings of wanting what you can't have. Before that, you must have been coping with the loss. Most people can't make it 3 years with no contact if they are feeling heartbroken and in love daily.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
What that lady said is exactly what I feel sometimes. When I am coming back home from work and, would just like to have a nice dinner with someone. Or, share my day with what problems. To share expenses. I have female friends but,they just don't fill the void.
I have filed for divorce and will go through with it even though I still love him. But, my love is not enough to make me disfunctional or stay up at night crying for him.
Yes, what I miss is what should have been not what it was.
It hurt to see him with my friend picking up coffee and riding together. He lives with this woman's dad.
I am a believer in prayer and, have seen couples come back together even after years. But, the spouses that were left tried to make contact. Mine has not said one single word to me. Three years is a long time without him not even calling me once showing that he missed me whether I left or not.
I left one day while he was at work. Came everyday to pick up things. He never said a single word not even in beginning. I never got one call. Two months after he cleaned out my bedroom(He slept in a different one) and put a couple from his church in there. He didn't care if it would hurt me.
