How do I stop being my own worst enemy?

[PortlandDad]

Robx has an excellent quote for just this situation: I can't find it atm, so this is just from memory.

Don't jump on cloud 9 when she says something nice, and don't jump off a cliff when she says something mean.

Hang in there, man.

[mynewnormal]

OK, so here I am 10 days or so later. We have seen each other virtually every day. Some touching, occasional kiss, etc. Right now it feels very "stalled" she keeps saying that she loves me but it will take time, and other words to that effect. I am beginning to think that I have made a grave error in judgement by being so available to her. I have helped her with moving, painting, etc. (all of the things that a husband normally would) but there just doesn't seem to be any spark, just a kind of detante (sp)

I am reluctant, but I think that I need to pull way back on the availability/niceness. I think that she just takes that all for granted already. She is seeing a counselor tomorrow (she wants to see separately first, then together). I now feel like I am on the rollercoaster because some days she actually says I love you, and some days (like today) she acts likes we are just friends. So now what. Start at the beginning, pull back to friendly but not available, stop the daily helpmate stuff? I am getting tired, and don't want to blow the whole deal, but it would be nice to feel like I am with someone who really wants to be with me. I also have to admit that the sex thing is starting to get to me. The last man she was with wasn't me... She talks about sex, she undresses in front of me, she took a bubble bath and asked me to wash her back, but any advances on my part have been turned away. Is she playing a game. Crap. Is it here we go again. I don't want to ruin all of the hard work, or the chance of being togehter, but I have a patience problem. Perhaps that is because I AM with her so much. Please throw any thoughts you have my way.

thanks,

[mynewnormal]

Also, she stopped by my place the other day and saw the "DR" book. She asked if she could read it and I said yes. DID I MAKE A HUGE MISTAKE THERE?

[mynewnormal]

Another week has passed. I have been trying to play it low key and cool. We see each other every day, and I have spent the night a few times.

2 days ago we were watching tv and a commercial about wedding bands came on. She said that she had "looked" at some new ones (I would have to say that this I thought was an excellent sign. I feel like our old ones are tarnished as well) I told her that I thought that was "good news" but didn't raise a big hoopla (didn't want to start the same old over-excited puppy routine).

All I can say is, so far, so good. I am hitting my goals and trying to respond to her feedback to how I am treating her. There is a big emotional test coming up though. She is going out on Friday for a "girls" night out with the bunch that I think was negatively influencing her about us. I don't want to be "that guy" that tells her she can't have her friends or have fun, but they are going to the place where she hung with her OM, and there is a likely chance that he will be there. I am simply not going to make a fuss about it. That's all I can do.

Thanks to everyone who posts here. It has really helped me donw the path.

[mynewnormal]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showthreaded&Number=1711001&page=

[antlers]

I'm learning that women want to be wanted. They do not want to be needed. Giving them (our wayward spouse) the time and space to develop or regain their sense of self-worth and individualism is the BEST thing we can do for our troubled relationships. It's hard...especially after very hurtful behavior or words on their part. Leave them alone. Maybe...if they didn't have any feelings left for us at all...there wouldn't be such anger! Scratch the surface...and they go off like a thermonuclear explosion!

[antlers]

I have made so many mistakes since she told me she was leaving, and I've continued to make mistakes since she left...BUT...I'm learning more and more as time goes by.

[mynewnormal]

Ok, need some advice. When is it ok to talk about Sex?
We have spent a ton of time together. We have held hands, kissed, hugged, I have spent the night, but she is very hesitant when I make any moves in that direction.

I know it will sound childish, but the last man she was with wasn't me, and that bothers me (although I never mention it). It just makes me wonder. Does she find me attractive anymore? Will she ever? Did she have unsafe sex with her OM (probably) and is worried about whether she caught something?

It is just very frustrating to be this close both physically and emotionally but not feel like her husband completely. I said that it was childish, and I know I need to be patient, but I don't really know what to expect at the point. Anybody have any advice?

Thanks,