I always used to say listen to your instincts and I have been ignoring mine for too long, well I finally gave in and I've discovered W involved in an EA with a work collegue. W doesn't understand the concept of an EA so she doesn't believe she is doing anything wrong. But I've seen enough to know whats going on, emails, txt and IM'ng of a humourous, saucy and sexual nature not the sort of thing you would want your W discussing with another man. The clincher for me was an email where W said be carful what you send just in case Lan comes across it.
I won't go into the details of our conversation tonight because its all scrambled in my head but I've basically told W that we have no future if shes involved with anyone physically or none phisically. W denies it all and as normal her answers were limited to the extent of the knowledge I revealed. Also but not surprising for me W hasn't gone on the verbal attack to defend her postion so she knows shes been caught out.
I have remained calm with W, I haven't got into an argument about details but I've told her our future depends on us haveing open and frank discussions going right back to the beggining, the sort of stuff I've ignored or put on the back burner to give us a chance to work things out.
My instint now is to pack some bags and get the hell out of here for a few days, but D7 prevents me from doing that, so I'm gonna sit tight, but polite and respectful with W but give her space and just ponder my next move.
Any advice is apprieciated but I think my world famed patience is about to wear out.
EVERYONE says that our W need to be the ones to "cut the cord" with the OM. I don't know about you but this is against all of my Man animal instinct. I want to confront the OM sooo Bad.It makes me feel weak not to stand up for my marriage (Back off Saffie I won't).. Hang in there bud. I know what you are saying about your D7. If it were not for my S13 (next week) I would have been out of here myself... BUT.. Hang in there nothing will hurt the R to sleep on it.
Vent here big guy Doc
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Sorry to hear the latest Lan. You know your instinct well and it was good to find out. I too am troubled with the part about telling OM to watch what he says - that is being sneaky behind your back.
You have had this happen before. I wonder if she is just the type that is a habitual flirt/cheater?
I can understand your patience wearing out and only you can decide when to say enough.
I feel for you....I have been there. I have always said that the majority of our problems here are directly proportional or related to other men or women. This is just more proof if you will. So, at the risk of being repetitious, you need to ask yourself if this is a deal breaker. I have a hunch it is not. Also, I stuck around against my better judgement in spite of things I knew. I think I did it (stuck around) for D8's sake. I wonder sometimes if I lost credibility by not leaving sooner. Not sure it would have made a difference however. Lan, I think you, I and some others have similar character traits. Some good and some not so good. In this case, your patience is as you say world famous. That is a good quality. Let me ask you this...why should you pack your bags??? Why not her? In my case, it was easier for me to leave. Why not pack her bags? Ok., I got it out. Lan, I think you are a hell of a good man and father but at times I have the sense that we have been taken advantage of because we are too good. So, you want some advice, calm down, stay put and don't jump to conclusions too quickly. If you find that you can no longer live with what you know...pack her bags.
I feel really cut up inside and I didn't sleep too well last night, but after all what I've been through I think I'll be able to hold it together on the outside.
John you're probably right and I don't think I'm done, it will probably take W to pull the cord to end things, but I'm tired of being the one fighting for this M and I can slowly feel my self esteem being stripped away. On the other hand I feel now that I can say a lot of things that I've held back on so if W feels strongly enough about our M we'll survive what I say if not them we'll go under.
I'm gonna take a few more sound bites from trusted friends and see where that takes me, I'll probably post more details when I get my head together tonight.
Hey Lan, I am sorry. I've been too much caught up in myself and didnt read here yesterday. All I can say is that the last few days actually prepared me for this last development. I get the feeling your wife is spoiled and is after excitement all the time but she isnt willing to create this excitement with hard work within your marriage. I think that if you would be willing to let that play out again, she would again be OK in your marriage. But for how long you can do that, it's your call.
I think it is time to stop treating her as a princess and play some hard ball. I would -and ignore me please if I am out of line- set a boundary and let her know, if she crosses it, she is out. Maybe she needs some tough love to get the drama and excitement that way... Good luck Lan, take care of you, xxxx K
Hi there Lan - am very sorry bout this latest turn of events...bet you're feeling really worn down with all this - with all the effort you have made and bending you've done...
Nothing to offer that hasn't been said above...but wishing you all the best.
I think your assessment is spot on as I think W looks for that excitement outside of the M but keeps hold of me as her security blanket.
I think for now, W and I need to have that conversation which she has been avoiding for the past 2 years, the one that I just let slide in the hope that things would work out for us. We need to talk this out to see where we are going or at the very least to set boundaries. The problem is I can't force her to talk and she just avoids any issues like that. So I have left her with the thought that we need to talk but I haven't pushed it further.
GFI,
I just feel sooooh weary.
PS: funny thing this morning, I fully expected W to withdraw and not talk to me but she was the opposite, she started making small talk about decorating the small bedroom and something else which I didn't really listen to. I think she was just taking a temperature test of my mood. Not that it makes much difference.
Hi Sweetie. Well, I could just shake her till her teeth rattled! You have workded so hard and done everything a person could expect from a H. Maybe it is time to play hardball with her. You can't live your life wondering how long it will be until she finds another guy attractive and starts an EA with him. And......you don't want to keep on until your self-esteem has hit rock bottom b/c it is so important to have a very high self-esteem right now. To show enough confidence that tells her and the rest of the world that you would the greatest catch for any woman out there!
I can understand you wanting to pack a bag and get out of there for a while b/c I would be just like you. I admire you for staying for the child's sake. But let me ask a hard question, Lan, what do you think it would take to really "shock" her into growing up and stop this flirtation with other men? Do you think that if she thought she had lost you that it would make her stop once and for all? I am not making any suggestions, I am only asking questions? It seems that you have had to put forth the work in the M and I'm wondering what it would take to make her decide that she would do anything to keep you. She needs to get off her butt and put forth some of that hard work too.
Puppy Dog Tails would tell you to draw your boundaries and then confront her and tell her what you know (and be sure that you have proof of what she is doing)and that tell her what YOU cannot tollerate. Tell her that you don't know how much longer YOU can live under those conditions. But, be prepared to leave if it comes to that. B/c it is like drawing a line in the sand and telling her not to step over that line or you will leave. It is something to think seriously about and all the consequenses of it.
After all this time, if she is involved with another man again, then she needs to be called out on it, confronted about it and tough loved used with her. You can stay in the house for the sake of the child, but you can have a life for you and the child and just leave her out of it if it comes to that. I know that is not what you want, but you may have to consider that option or either someting more drastic. It would be hard to drop the rope while living under the same roof, but I think it could be done if you are strong enough. You have to try something to make her realize that she cannot continue to carry on like this. It is not appropriate for a M woman! It is way past time for her to grow up.
Well, I have mostly blowed off steam b/c I don't like seeing you mistreated like this. Whatever you decide, Lan, I will try to support you. You've been around a long time working hard on this M.
Take care, Sandi2
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
But let me ask a hard question, Lan, what do you think it would take to really "shock" her into growing up and stop this flirtation with other men? Do you think that if she thought she had lost you that it would make her stop once and for all?
Knowing what I know now Sandi I think it would take for me to start D proceeding and our whole lives to be brought into the public domain for W to start acting her age. You see she's ridden out the storm of her A 2 years ago without any penance and without many people knowing and now she's back to her old tricks. But the threat of a D is a difficult call for me cos I would only do that if I was meaning to D, I don't want to do it for effect
Yes she needs to be called out but as I've mentioned before W will only talk based on what she thinks I know. I haven't told her directly what I know this time but she has a pretty good idea. Also I don't want to fight to prove what I know cos When W was in the fog (if we still think it was that), she proved to me to be the most convincing liar I had ever met and event had me doubting the factual evidence I had in my hand.
So it's time to talk but I know she's gonna run from it or just clam up.
