I've moved here from MLC

[stillloveshim]

Hello All,
I've made the move here because I no longer believe my H is just an MLCer. He does have some traits of an MLCer, but not exclusively, as I've learned here.
My original thread....http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1727405&page=0&fpart=1
But here is where I'm at:
H is now back in our house. I'm living with a amazing friends with our S. My H is also very good friends with the couple I am staying with. (They are empty nesters who would love to have a grandchild but are convinced probably not going to happen, so they really love my S.)
H has been acting GREAT. He's always around, it's unusual if we don't have dinner together. He is with me during his weekend with H and his nights too. But the bigger deal is that he's with me when it's MY weekend with our H and my nights.
I have been doing great with the GALing. Tennis, yoga, friends, reading, exercising....etc.
But H's other actions and what he says are confusing. He won't call me during the work day. He might text me, but rarely calls. I am the one who organizes the bills and money, so when I contact him during the work day it's house or S related. Alright, I can deal with that.
He is VERY flirty right now. I spent this past weekend staying at home with him and S. It was nice and any fly on the wall would think we were a normal, HAPPY family.
On Sunday, we're on our way to brunch and he looks at the side of the road at some condos and says "How much do you think those are?" I said "They're pretty old and run down, but it's a great location.....not sure." He said "I bet around $150,000 or so. I think I could live there. There small looking, but it'd be big enough for 1.5 people." I said "So it's be perfect for you and S, but not me too.....You don't have to say crap like that. Just let it be."
Later on I should not have done it, I know, but I was peeved and asked "Do you want a divorce?" His answer was "Please, let's not do this now." I reminded him he started it which is actually debatable I guess, but I asked him again. He said nothing. I asked again and he said he was pretty sure yes, he does want a divorce. I asked him "If you could file tomorrow, would you?" Nothing. We are in a situation where we cannot divorce even if we both wanted it because of the economy and our debt. I asked him again. "If you could file tomorrow, would you?" He said "I don't know." I said "Ok, let's have another great day. This conversation is over." He looked shocked and didn't believe me. But we went on to have an amazing Sunday. At the end of the day, when he was leaving after having dinner with us (AGAIN) he gave me a big hug, a kiss on the forehead adn asked "Are you ok?" I said yes and are you ok? He said yes. Gave me an eskimo kiss and left. I called to make sure he got home, he had a few and he thanked me for checking on him.

Now all of that is ok and I know where I went wrong and such. But any advice on how to improve, please, lay it one me.

Another twist in my life here: I have been interviewing. On Friday I was offered a new job with a more than 10% raise. This new job would require a lot more of my time which H says is fine, he'll help pick up S more. H is very interested in this new job and any counter offers I may get from current employer. I'm worried, he's been around so much and nice because he wants me to pay off our debt with my new raise. I wish I didn't have these thoughts, but I do.
Advice? Anyone else been here?

[dncrm]

Dear Still,

Please do not tell your H anymore about your finances. You already know that he wants out because he told you he did. If there was anything more to his coming around and spending time with you and his son that was his chance. He's got a vested interest in wanting this to stay as amicable as possible. You said yourself that legally you can't divorce, so why not play his cards right and hopefully you'll pay down some of the debt and he comes out the winner.

If I had it to do all over again I would have taken my extra money and put it away instead of giving it to a man who was playing me and stringing me along.

D

[stillloveshim]

Yikes.
What happened?

[2gthrButApart]

I say no more questions. It's probably like my situation. My H will say things b/c he KNOW I usually always jump on it, and get offended. Then he'd say You see what I mean, you can never change, You say you will but it's always going to be the same thing.

So basically he might be testing you to see if he wants to give the marriage another try. Then you'd have to decide if YOU want to give it another try. You already know he wants out, don't torture your self by confirming what you already know.

When he made the comment about the house you should have said, it does look like a nice size for 1.5 people, I should look into the price. Me and D would love it there!(Excluding him)
Hit him right back where it hurts!

I noticed my H acting slightly different since the last time in Jan when he said the D word again, I had papers printed up with D info, and I handed them to him. I didn't cry or get angry, I just gave it to him and said since you want to get a D maybe you should read this to see what you're going to get yourself into, it's not ez and it won't be cheap for you. And I walked away.

He's noticing I'm not acting needy, or clingy. No more questions. No matter how much it bothers and hurts. Come here to vent.

Agree? No more questions! Don't show him any expectations.

[stillloveshim]

I should have read this yesterday.
Long story short, his ex OW from his EA is sort of nutz with a very nutz exboyfriend. Yesterday morning someone emails me her criminal record. At first I had no idea what it was. Then I figured it out and was just furious. I am sure her ex sent it to me so I would send it to her boss, whom I am very close to. I think he wants her fired so she has to depend on him financially again and thus, getting back together with him. I am not really sure and really can't prove who sent it to me. The only thing I did with it was delete it. And I told my H about it.
I have been harassed by the ex for a bit now, but not a lot and once again, I can't prove who it is, it's really annoying.
So that happened yesterday that just made me mad.
Then my H questions me "Have you told me the truth about those two crazies?" That is what set me off. I just want to be left alone, he brought these people into our lives.
Then last night we get into it and we start talking relationship and it continues again this morning via text and phone conversations. I even asked him if he's going to file which is SO STUPID STUPID STUPID. I even heard my DB coach yelling stop it! Stop it! But I didn't stop it. And he said what he has in the past, "I'm not married, haven't been in months." And "I will file as soon as we can afford it."
So now, huge back slide.
I hate this.
I'm bummed and just want to go home and crawl into bed.

[LR1]

Still,

I am so sorry about your backslide, but get up, dust yourself off and jump right back in. GAL, PMA, 180 - just do the things you know to do. You were doing so good, so get back to that and believe me I know its hard. I am having a tough time, almost impossible time letting go of my emotions. But you can do it!

LonelyRzr

[stillloveshim]

I know. I know. I know. It's just so hard sometimes.
Right now I have a career decision to make and I still don't have all of the cards on the table yet so I can make decision, but that has my mind going and going and number crunching and thinking too much about that. (I'm an over-thinker,if you haven't figured it out yet.)
And then there's all the stuff with H that some nights will keep me awake and other nights I'm good to go and sleep like a baby.
Alright, this is me sweeping off the dust. This is me getting back on the horse (with all my bumps and bruises) and keeping a positive attitude.
Tonight and tomorrow will be very telling for me.
Thanks LR--I really do feel much better.
You and me....we are going to DB our A$$ off and make this happen for us and our families!!!

[2gthrButApart]

If he's not married and hasn't been in months don't let him kiss you on the lips anymore. Don't stay in the house when it's His time with your S. go for a walk, go to the gym go do Something just not around him. If he's not married neither are you so show him that. Yes it hurts, trust me I know. But a lil' bit of the B***h in you needs to come out so you don't worry about his feelings. He's obviously not worried about yours. Another thing, I'm sure he doesn't tell you EVERYTHING so stop telling him. Keep conversations about S or bills that you share, common things, but no personal stories. We treat them like our friend while they treat us like...well.. an Ex. Yes we have to be friendly But we don't have to be his friend. Give him the same treatment and respect he gives you. Wish you lived close by so we can go GAL 2gthr!!!

Stop letting him drag you down the R talks. Tell him "now is not a good time, I'm having a great day and I'm not in the mood to talk about things that were already discussed. FRIENDS don't fight, married couples do, so there's nothing to fight or argue about since as you say, we are not married. Hope you have a great day, I know I am!!"

And end it at that!! Don't let him see how much you're hurting, if he's like my H, that's a turnoff for him. He doesn't like to see me cry either, he likes a strong woman. I used to be very strong, I let love get the best of me. I'm working on my strength now. And you should be too. NO MORE QUESTIONS :), NO MORE R TALKS No more volunteering any info. Remember You don't know everything, you don't know his every move, so he does not deserve that from you. STAY STRONG!

<3 2Gthr

[2gthrButApart]

If he's not married and hasn't been in months don't let him kiss you on the lips anymore. Don't stay in the house when it's His time with your S. go for a walk, go to the gym go do Something just not around him. If he's not married neither are you so show him that. Yes it hurts, trust me I know. But a lil' bit of the B***h in you needs to come out so you don't worry about his feelings. He's obviously not worried about yours. Another thing, I'm sure he doesn't tell you EVERYTHING so stop telling him. Keep conversations about S or bills that you share, common things, but no personal stories. We treat them like our friend while they treat us like...well.. an Ex. Yes we have to be friendly But we don't have to be his friend. Give him the same treatment and respect he gives you. Wish you lived close by so we can go GAL 2gthr!!!

Stop letting him drag you down the R talks. Tell him "now is not a good time, I'm having a great day and I'm not in the mood to talk about things that were already discussed. FRIENDS don't fight, married couples do, so there's nothing to fight or argue about since as you say, we are not married. Hope you have a great day, I know I am!!"

And end it at that!! Don't let him see how much you're hurting, if he's like my H, that's a turnoff for him. He doesn't like to see me cry either, he likes a strong woman. I used to be very strong, I let love get the best of me. I'm working on my strength now. And you should be too. NO MORE QUESTIONS :), NO MORE R TALKS No more volunteering any info. Remember You don't know everything, you don't know his every move, so he does not deserve that from you. STAY STRONG!

<3 2Gthr

[2gthrButApart]

Sorry about the double post, PC here at work is going nuts!