You sound good. I understand how you would not want to leave D15 at home alone.....especially in this day and time we are living in. Maybe she could sleep over at a friend's house or something so she wouldn't be alone. I don't think I would have anyone come there while you are out b/c you know the trouble kids can think to get into when left on their own with a friend.....
One way of being mysterious is just by acting like you are happy about something. It drives them crazy if you act like you have a happy secret and they don't know what it is. If he asks why all the smiles or why you are acting so happy.......don't give any direct answer. Just shrug your shoulders and say, "just feel good", or "I don't know...just am"......something like that that tells him nothing at all.....lol. You aren't lying to him and you are showing a PMA.....right? You can always ask him if he had rather you be down in the dumps. No, don't do that....it may lead to a fight or a R talk. But, you get the idea.
It is hard to do a lot of things you'd like to when you have teenagers at home. I rememeber when I use to try to find a time to surprise my H when he would come home from work and I'd be dressed up in a sexy costume I had designed. Nothing expensive, just something I would figure out on my own. (And, it's not something you would do to the point it was not "special" any more.) Anyway, I had to arrange for my kids to be over at the grandparent's or somewhere. My H always loved those surprises. But let me add this while I'm thinking about it......the timing needs to be right or you may fall on your face like I did a time or two. Anyway.......One Christmas, after everyone had left our house and the kids were in bed, I asked him if he was ready for "his" gift. He said, "Of course", and I told him to give me a minute to get it ready. I went into the bedroom, turned the lights down very low, took off my clothes and took some Christmas gold shiny tensel and wrapped around my body (just enough to cover certain areas ) and then whispered through the the door that him he could come in and unwrap his gift. I wished you could have seen his face. But things like that are what keeps fun in a M. Since he never seemed to have much imagination for things, it was left up to me to come up with the "fun". I could give you several ideas....... if you ever need any. (lol)
Being interesting instead of "dull" or boring is what men like in women. Looking forward to a "fun" evening at home makes him want to get there faster instead of thinking of doing something else. I used to love planning little surprises for my H b/c that was fun for me and the "mystery" would show in the sparkle of my eyes b/c he knew I was probably up to something. It would put me in a good mood just planning ahead. Many years ago, I read where that a man loved it when he never knew what to expect when he opened that front door. Of course, it was meant in a positive way....not negative. Too many men have the negative side of not knowing what to expect from the pressures and problems in our world today.....and from their own family.
See? This makes me feel better just sharing those memories with you! I hope that you will get to where you will soon have fun in applying some of those things in your M.
Take care sweetie, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi sandi - Can i just interupt here and ask you to look ata newbie called newbie here - is this marriage salvagable. I think he needs your advice. Thanks polly
Hope you are feeling well. I appreciate your advice about being "mysterious", acting happy, etc... I have been doing really well about the acting happy part until yesterday/today. We went to dinner tonight by ourselves (I kind of had to bug him to go). During conversations, I was mentioning some places that I would really like to visit again, places we had been together, and he very abruptly changed the subject. Was not even very nonchalant about the way he changed the subject. I got up and excused myself....held my tongue....went to the ladies room and returned, and tried to return to the subject that he had brought up. I am so sad about this!! I wasn't talking future with him or anything but I think he took it that way. Anyway, thanks for listening......
We went to dinner tonight by ourselves (I kind of had to bug him to go). During conversations, I was mentioning some places that I would really like to visit again, places we had been together, and he very abruptly changed the subject.
If he is the type of man that hardly ever wants to leave the house to go out to eat, then it makes it hard on you, the wife. However, men hate it when we ask more than one time or mention anything more than once. They call that nagging! Don't you just hate it? But, truth be told, men are not attracted to women who have to "bug" them to go somewhere or talk about subjects that are "off limits" (to the man, anyway). So, mark it down that that evening was a learning experience for you and not to repeat it. I understand how hard it is not to act like a married woman b/c you ARE that, but try to keep telling yourself when you are with your man not to act like the old stero picture people have of a "wife". If he doesn't want to take you out to eat, then in a light and uplifted way, just say, "Oh that is alright, I will go without you." You don't have to say anything about going along or finding somebody else.......but he will wonder about it since you are acting upbeat. I hope I am not giving out the wrong impression. I know what it is that I am wanting to relay to you, but I sure don't want you to misunderstand the message. Anyway, that could have been an opportunity to be "mysterious". You may have had to go to the mall and walk around or call a girlfriend to go with you to eat, but he didn't have to have all those details. No, it would not have been what you wanted in your heart, but as it turned out, you were pretty down at the results of the evening, anyway.
Men will always be interested in the woman that seems just out of his reach. Which seems a bit odd thinking about a wife in that picture b/c women want anything but to be "out of reach" where their H's are concerned. But it is the nature of the male. So, in our own female ways, we have to continue to be interesting, exciting, intriging, and mysterious.....so the H will continue to want to know what is going on in our mind and our life. For me, it is easier to be more mysterious when I can be somewhat........sassy about it. It keeps it fun and he can't really get angry about it. It also stirs up his curiousity.
I just believe it your H can start to see you in that light that his focus will be completely on you and nobody else. Keep him off guard, so to speak, so he will never know exactly what to expect when he comes home. At least it won't be boring for him.....lol. Talk about 180's.....
Take care, and come post as often as you can.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Well... I am a completely "bust" divorce buster. After last night....I feel like I am back to square one. I'll back track a bit. OK...one of H's issues is that I don't "trust" him. I am still in the dark about whether or not there was or is OW, whether EA or PA or both, etc... He denies all. When I go back and read what I wrote when I first started this thread, all of it comes rushing back. SAD!!!
The day before yesterday, we had amazing sex twice. Very fun and casual. Then yesterday morning, H mentioned that he was going to play tennis in the evening with a male friend that I have never met. My little OW RADAR went up and I guess my attitude and subsequent conversation was interrogative. Wow! I vowed not to do this but I couldn't help myself. He didn't say anything then, but then much later in the evening, he brought it up about the whole "I don't trust him vibe" and that it was very evident by the way I acted. I suck at this!! I have been trying to be upbeat, supportive, etc... but I TOTALLY SLIPPED!!! H slept on the couch and he said that it is the same old stuff again. OUCH! What to do? And I'll admit it...I slipped back into following him around, trying to coax him to come to bed last night, followed him to the car this morning, apologizing over and over, yah dah yah dah. I actually committed the worst DB sin ever...I said I'm sorry and I love you and gave him a hug before he left for work. He said "don't worry about it, I love you too". Still.............this sucks. Abby
Somewhat recovered from last blunder. ??!!!?? Just a tough time. Son leaving for school in July. Changes abound! H has been conspicuously absent Sat and Sun mornings. Sat his phone was off all day and he says he went for a hike around a local lake. Then on Sunday a.m. I asked if he wanted to go for a hike/or beach walk and he said no...he wanted to go to the gym. He was gone most of the day, and when he got home he said he met some new people in the sauna after the workout and had a GREAT conversation about education and continued it at a local coffee place. All I can think is WOW! H would rather spend time with complete strangers than me and his family.
We have been intimate numerous times this last week. I feel pretty sucky right now. Good enough to sleep with but not interesting enough to spend time with on the weekends. I have not been waiting around either....I did my own thing on Saturday and Sunday....gym, breakfast out, awesome 5 mile hike, movie, Anyway...I'm tired of my own complaining (as I am sure you are!!!!!), but decided to write it down here so maybe I won't verbalize it to anyone else (out loud anyway!). Thanks for listening.........
Haven't been on this forum in awhile. It has been 5 months since our D talk. H has not given me any indication that he plans to proceed with the D. Life seems like it is getting back to normal....but a new normal. I think back over the last 9 months and realize that H almost never spends a Saturday morning at home. Even this a.m. he left for a bike ride alone. I expressed an interest in going too, but know I need to not be pushy. Anyway, decided we'd meet up after his ride and my walk "alone" on the beach. We used to spend weekend mornings together. So...the new normal is that we don't.
Now that our kids are growing up, S18 just left for college and D15 is active and doing her own thing, I find I am ALONE in the house a lot of the time. Still working on GAL but I still really miss time spent with H.
I still wonder what will happen. Our 20th anniversary is coming up on the 5th. We haven't discussed it, I haven't pushed any plans (so unlike me) so who knows...the day could come and go just like any other.
) and then whispered through the the door that him he could come in and unwrap his gift. I wished you could have seen his face. But things like that are what keeps fun in a M. Since he never seemed to have much imagination for things, it was left up to me to come up with the "fun". I could give you several ideas....... 
if you ever need any. (lol)
