I posited this question in my other thread, but I wanted to open the question to a broader audience with a topic of its' own. I'd like to hear how others have dealt with their Sp A partners. What tactics have worked best in retrieving your Sp from the clutches of an AP, and what hasn't worked at all. Do people here advocate confronting the AP, or avoidance? Which is more dangerous to a marriage: an AP that aggressively works to dissolve your M or one that is a "good listener" and is otherwise passive?
I'd love to hear any and all perspectives on this. Thanks!
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
I have not confronted OW. My H's sympathies are with her so if I confront then H will just see that as me attacking her, controlling him and being 'unreasonable'. So I have chosen the high road. Don't know if it is working. But I can tell you that OW has not contacted me, is not contacting my kids and my H has not yet introduced her to children. That is what I want. I DO NOT want her in my kids' lives!
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
From the standpoint of what would make ME feel better, I totally agree with you Brandon
in the beginning when my W was in the "just friends" stage with the OM, we had a few short convos about this and that. As it started dawning on me what this scumbag was up to, I did confront him and told him to back off. His response thus far has been to completely ignore me and continue to pursue and console (and so on) my W. I would have to say that, at least in my own case, confrontation has not helped my case at all. In fact, I think it has had the opposite effect, in that he now appears to be a more sympathetic figure to my W and now they have a common enemy.
I still do fantasize about starting at the kneecaps, though...
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
Although I have been sorely tempted a number of times, I have refrained from confronting OM directly. Although I really wanted to, I always feared that it might cause more problems in the long run. Besides that, it really could backfire.
In my case, the AP was more passive (enjoying the attention of the EA, but not pursuing), and was also married. When I confronted my W and exposed the A, I told her that I thought he was as guilty as she was in carrying on the EA and that I thought his wife should know. This got back to him through my W and that was enough to really scare him.
I have run into him a few times since then, and he has always turned and walked away when he saw me.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Hee hee, the OM had W forward me a text one time. I'm dead serious - forward me a text. I was like, man, is this 9th grade? What a loser wuss.
I responded that one time - but have completely ignored him otherwise. Actually, acted like he didn't exist. If I had got all hot-to-trot, it absolutely would've pushed W right to him.
The only time confrontation works, in my opinion, is when the OM/OW is married, and you out them to their spouse, or threaten to do so - but I'm no professional...
