In desperate need of advice, separation looming!

[Purple]

I haven't got time to post properly but I like Another Nightmare's approach. She needs space and time. you need to show by your actions that you can maintain these changes.

you probably need to expect that as time goes on and you maintain these changes that she will get angry. You may ask why will she get angry? Well, (projecting my own sitch here) as she feels 'safer' with you (which she doesn't right now, she's waiting for you to blow up and crack) she will likely start to really open up about how she has felt over the course of the marriage. It will hurt, but just because she gets angry, doesn't necessarily mean a bad thing. If she can feel safe to really express herself and you can be comfortable enough with yourself to really listen to her and try to understand where she is coming from, that will give you potential for reconciliation in the future.

It sounds like she really needs space in order to break the habits of interacting with you (which is always thinking of what you want first, instead of checking with her gut to see if it's alright with her). I can relate very strongly to this part.

Gotta do some work. Hope this helps a little.

She needs to hear that you understand how she feels. By staying, you are disrespecting how she feels. I really should elaborate, but I haven't got time right now....

Hugs..

[working on me]

I hear what your saying purple, thank you!

KEEP IT COING PEOPLE, AS MUCH ADVICE AS CAN BE GIVEN.

[SingleDad]

Sad - You have to do what you feel in your heart and soul is the right thing to do - what happens after that is out of your control - but you will sleep well at night knowing you are living by your convictions and high morals.

If you want to be the best possible parent you can be, than focus on being the best parent possible. A woman and mother has a very difficult time walking out on a man who is incredible with her children who are the most important people in her life.

Instead of moving out - move to another room of the house. Do things separately from each other. Stay out of each others way. Do not argue with her about anything. Just tell her you WILL NOT walk out on your kids.

Have such a great time with your kids that your wife will want do be a part of it too - not wanting to be left out of such great times. Do not do anything to actively pursue your wife - she doesn't want it. But if she wants to tag along with your great times, that's fine.

Good luck - things can work out under the most dire of situations. It just take time and WAW seeing that life on her own is not all that great.

[runningoutoftime]

Telling her you won't give up, and asking her to work on the marriage, at this point is pursuit. The more you express wanting to "hang on," the more she will want to leave the marriage.

If you were to leave do you have an alternative place to live? If she moves out can you afford to stay where you are now? Try to avoid talking to her about any of this until you have thought everything over carefully.

[working on me]

Telling her you won't give up, and asking her to work on the marriage, at this point is pursuit. The more you express wanting to "hang on," the more she will want to leave the marriage.

If you were to leave do you have an alternative place to live? If she moves out can you afford to stay where you are now? Try to avoid talking to her about any of this until you have thought everything over carefully.

[working on me]

The only place I have to go is my parents house. They live a half hour away and I will have to be sleeping on the floor.

[confusedinpa]

Sad09

You really should try read all the post/advice that I had gotten in my threads. We have really gotten into similar conversations with our wifes.

I will tell you what everyone has told me - don't leave. She is the one who wants the separation, so she should leave.

That is a difference in my situation. My wife wants to leave but doesn't want to do so until there is a custody agreement as well as have it figured out what to do about our house. So she is pushing me to do something about that.

What's more confusing is that there are wild swings in her attitude - just this past weekend, she says that she can not ever see our relationship working and she tired of being nice to me and doesn't want to do anything with me, then yesterday she told me her mom can watch the kids this weekend so we can go out.

Just hang in there. The minimum is that you become a better person for you and your kids.

Hang in there. It is hard.

[AnotherNightmare]

Sad09,

If I were in your position I would say that you understand that you made those decisions in the past, that you take full responsibility for your actions, that you were wrong to act like that, and that you apologize for your behavior. Other than that, actions speak louder than words. Work on yourself, keep the changes going and monitor what she notices.

It seems to me that there is still a lot of blaming going on. Blaming you helps her feel better, because it justifies her actions and her demands right now. But it is short-term, so do not really listen to what she is saying right now.

I think you pretty much said the right thing when she asked you to move out. Maybe you can say it in a slightly different way showing as much empathy as possible, e.g.:

"I understand you feel uncomfortable with me living in the same house. On the other hand, moving out would send the wrong message to our children. Let me suggest the following solution: ..."

I do not know what exactly is practical. Maybe you suggest something like spending weekends separately with the kids. You can take them out for play on weekend days. Whatever gives her the space she is asking for will work.

So I guess what I am saying is, acknowledge and respect her wishes and try to work with her, as long as it does not violate your boundaries (you need to establish and communicate those to her).

AN

[working on me]

HORRIFYING NEWS TODAY!

Based on my gut I went email snooping, Now I realize this is a no no, but I feel like I need the full story right now in order to protect myself and no how to proceed with my life.

So here is a little back ground if you haven't read any of my precious posts.

My wife has lost about 50lbs., and began to go to concerts without me. Now, I get pannicky in big crowds so I had been declining her invitations to go with her, Huge mistake whick I fully regret now!

So she doesn't really have any friends, what that means is that she has never really got along to well with her female friends for one reason or another, in my opinion she chooses females that are not the best quality.

So back in december 2008 she was talking to a group of friends about wanting to go to a concert but she had no one to go with. Well on of the people there is this guy who is sort of a friend to me but is really more of a friend to her. The reason he is really more of a friend to her is because my wife is a daycare provider to his kids. I don't really see him often but obviously she does.
So this guy expressed interest in oing to this concert and they made tentative plans to do so in my presence. So i didn't think there was any issue with it at that point.

So during the month of december I began to just start to act and be how I wanted our relationship with my wife they way I wanted our relaionship to be. Another words we were having issues and some of the issues were about how we were around each other on a daily basis. So I began to just give her random hugs, you know just be more affectionate and loving. She seemed receptive to this, but there were times were it just felt awkward.

So very ealy in Jan. 2009, after another morning of her leaving the house in a huff and not saying goodbye to me or she loved me I decided to confront her with what I was feeling. I had also in the back of my mind do to this awkawrdness and her coldness began to wonder if she was done with me or having an affair or what, I just didn't know what to think.

So that night I told her how I had been trying to change the vibe in the house and be more affectionate and loving, but I was getting wierd feelings from her. I asked if she was done with our relationship or was she having or wanting to have an Em, basically I wanted to know what was going on for her. I also told her that my gut was sending me weird signals about this guy she was going to the concert with.

This obviously made were very angry and deffensive, she said nothing was going on with the guy, but gave me no real reply about my concerns about where she stood with our realionship.

Six days went by with no reply, then on the sixth day while getting ready in the morning she brought up a band that was going to be in concert. thinking nothing I said oh ya, are you thinking about going. She pauses, then tells me she already bought tickets. I respond oh ya, do you know who you are going to go with? She responds after another pause, yes I am going with the guy, I will call him Matt. A cold rush ran over my boddy, I then asked when she bought the tickets, she told me two days earlier, further panick in my mind and body now. I then asked her when she planned on telling me, she responded by saying she just did. I said no you weren't planning on telling me now I just pulled the info out of you. She said that given our last talk and the fact that she doesn't feel safe telling me stuff in fear of how I will react that she didn't know when she was planning ion telling me. She asked if I had a problem with it and I replied, put yourself in my shoes given the concerns I had been having. Then she left to go to work.

Two days later is when she dropped the bomb that she wants us to seperate.

A few days after that she told me she was angry about my suspicion about the guy because she doesn't have any friends, I won't go to the concert with her and now I am trying to ruin the one thing in her life right now, concerts and music. She told me there is nothing going on with this guy, he is just someone she can be friends with that shares the same love of music and concerts.

I did my best at that point to believe her, but now in that same conversation she tells me that I need to start telling the people in my life, friends and family that we are going to separate. The guy, matt, is also friends with my best freind and my best freinds wife. So my wife is concerned that I will tell my friend and his wife of my concerns about her and matt, she told me she doesn't want them to go to matt and talk about my issues and ruin any possibility of having matt back out of the concert or make him feel awkaward if he goes. So I agreed to respect her concern, trying to show that I believe her words that there is nothing there other than her desire to go to a concert and just have a good time because this is one of the way she is trying to take care of herself to make herself happy.
She then says she needs to go for a drive for some time for herself. Later that night I told her I wanted to call the guy matt because he got devorced last year due to his WAW who left him and their kids for an affair with another man. I said it would be nice for me to talk to someone who had gone through a situation wher is wife had left him and I could use some good advice cuz he seems like a good enough guy because he has been a great father to his kids and so on.
She didnt like the idea. So the next day she tells me she called matt to tell him she wants me out of the house so we could separate. I asked he why she preempted my talk with him. she said for the same reason as before she didn't want him to feel awkward and either not want to go to the concert or be awkard and not have a good time when they wer there.

I never did talk to him, although a few weeks ago he called and left me a nessage that he would like to talk to me cuz he could have really used a friend at the time he was ging through this.

I never called him though.

Then today I looked at her email, I know this in a non no, but Imy gut feeling about this guy has not been good. Yesterday I say that she had been looking at picutes if him on facebook, which sent up a red flag.

So this morning I looked at her email and say that she has been emailing him on a regular basis. In fact she has been talking to him about concerts and she has been buying tickeets to concerts and asked him if he would like to go. In ine of the emails he says to her, " would it be bad if he went to the concert with her? He then said, he just dosn't want to make waves with me(sad09)" and then asks what the date of the conctert is again.
In the next email from her to him she says,"you probably can't ask her if it wuld be bad for him to go to the concert. Seeing as she is the one trying to get him to go. So the answer to wether it would make waves with me is but she wants to go to the concert with him any ways."

In the next email which was on monday march 9 she says, " I havn't said anything to me(sad09) about the concert yet. I don't think he has seen any of my numerous tickets that I have purchased in the last couple of weeks. I don't know what to say to him about it cuz it's gonna be painful. Honeltly I doubt there would be anyway to make it ok with him. I'm trying to work it out in my head. That's why I say save the date... it will work out I'll talk to you about it more tomorrow. I'm sorry that this is awkward for you. I know things were different when I asked you to go the other concerts. Not what you signed up for :)"

[working on me]

HORRIFYING NEWS TODAY!

Based on my gut I went email snooping, Now I realize this is a no no, but I feel like I need the full story right now in order to protect myself and no how to proceed with my life.

So here is a little back ground if you haven't read any of my precious posts.

My wife has lost about 50lbs., and began to go to concerts without me. Now, I get pannicky in big crowds so I had been declining her invitations to go with her, Huge mistake whick I fully regret now!

So she doesn't really have any friends, what that means is that she has never really got along to well with her female friends for one reason or another, in my opinion she chooses females that are not the best quality.

So back in december 2008 she was talking to a group of friends about wanting to go to a concert but she had no one to go with. Well on of the people there is this guy who is sort of a friend to me but is really more of a friend to her. The reason he is really more of a friend to her is because my wife is a daycare provider to his kids. I don't really see him often but obviously she does.
So this guy expressed interest in oing to this concert and they made tentative plans to do so in my presence. So i didn't think there was any issue with it at that point.

So during the month of december I began to just start to act and be how I wanted our relationship with my wife they way I wanted our relaionship to be. Another words we were having issues and some of the issues were about how we were around each other on a daily basis. So I began to just give her random hugs, you know just be more affectionate and loving. She seemed receptive to this, but there were times were it just felt awkward.

So very ealy in Jan. 2009, after another morning of her leaving the house in a huff and not saying goodbye to me or she loved me I decided to confront her with what I was feeling. I had also in the back of my mind do to this awkawrdness and her coldness began to wonder if she was done with me or having an affair or what, I just didn't know what to think.

So that night I told her how I had been trying to change the vibe in the house and be more affectionate and loving, but I was getting wierd feelings from her. I asked if she was done with our relationship or was she having or wanting to have an Em, basically I wanted to know what was going on for her. I also told her that my gut was sending me weird signals about this guy she was going to the concert with.

This obviously made were very angry and deffensive, she said nothing was going on with the guy, but gave me no real reply about my concerns about where she stood with our realionship.

Six days went by with no reply, then on the sixth day while getting ready in the morning she brought up a band that was going to be in concert. thinking nothing I said oh ya, are you thinking about going. She pauses, then tells me she already bought tickets. I respond oh ya, do you know who you are going to go with? She responds after another pause, yes I am going with the guy, I will call him Matt. A cold rush ran over my boddy, I then asked when she bought the tickets, she told me two days earlier, further panick in my mind and body now. I then asked her when she planned on telling me, she responded by saying she just did. I said no you weren't planning on telling me now I just pulled the info out of you. She said that given our last talk and the fact that she doesn't feel safe telling me stuff in fear of how I will react that she didn't know when she was planning ion telling me. She asked if I had a problem with it and I replied, put yourself in my shoes given the concerns I had been having. Then she left to go to work.

Two days later is when she dropped the bomb that she wants us to seperate.

A few days after that she told me she was angry about my suspicion about the guy because she doesn't have any friends, I won't go to the concert with her and now I am trying to ruin the one thing in her life right now, concerts and music. She told me there is nothing going on with this guy, he is just someone she can be friends with that shares the same love of music and concerts.

I did my best at that point to believe her, but now in that same conversation she tells me that I need to start telling the people in my life, friends and family that we are going to separate. The guy, matt, is also friends with my best freind and my best freinds wife. So my wife is concerned that I will tell my friend and his wife of my concerns about her and matt, she told me she doesn't want them to go to matt and talk about my issues and ruin any possibility of having matt back out of the concert or make him feel awkaward if he goes. So I agreed to respect her concern, trying to show that I believe her words that there is nothing there other than her desire to go to a concert and just have a good time because this is one of the way she is trying to take care of herself to make herself happy.
She then says she needs to go for a drive for some time for herself. Later that night I told her I wanted to call the guy matt because he got devorced last year due to his WAW who left him and their kids for an affair with another man. I said it would be nice for me to talk to someone who had gone through a situation wher is wife had left him and I could use some good advice cuz he seems like a good enough guy because he has been a great father to his kids and so on.
She didnt like the idea. So the next day she tells me she called matt to tell him she wants me out of the house so we could separate. I asked he why she preempted my talk with him. she said for the same reason as before she didn't want him to feel awkward and either not want to go to the concert or be awkard and not have a good time when they wer there.

I never did talk to him, although a few weeks ago he called and left me a nessage that he would like to talk to me cuz he could have really used a friend at the time he was ging through this.

I never called him though.

Then today I looked at her email, I know this in a non no, but Imy gut feeling about this guy has not been good. Yesterday I say that she had been looking at picutes if him on facebook, which sent up a red flag.

So this morning I looked at her email and say that she has been emailing him on a regular basis. In fact she has been talking to him about concerts and she has been buying tickeets to concerts and asked him if he would like to go. In ine of the emails he says to her, " would it be bad if he went to the concert with her? He then said, he just dosn't want to make waves with me(sad09)" and then asks what the date of the conctert is again.
In the next email from her to him she says,"you probably can't ask her if it wuld be bad for him to go to the concert. Seeing as she is the one trying to get him to go. So the answer to wether it would make waves with me is but she wants to go to the concert with him any ways."

In the next email which was on monday march 9 she says, " I havn't said anything to me(sad09) about the concert yet. I don't think he has seen any of my numerous tickets that I have purchased in the last couple of weeks. I don't know what to say to him about it cuz it's gonna be painful. Honeltly I doubt there would be anyway to make it ok with him. I'm trying to work it out in my head. That's why I say save the date... it will work out I'll talk to you about it more tomorrow. I'm sorry that this is awkward for you. I know things were different when I asked you to go the other concerts. Not what you signed up for :)"