Hi Everyone, I'm new to the board and need advice. Here's my story:
W and I have been M for almost 5 years, together for 8.5. Things have been rocky for last year. Our biggest argument is always about me going out drinking with friends (only time I would drink). I didn't do it often - to me, but when I did I made up for lost time. A few years ago I fell and broke my cheek from drinking too much, should've been my wake-up call. Last summer I made a promise to myself and W that I wouldn't have more than 3 drinks and be home by midnight. I did very well until 1/9/09.
We went out with mutual friends but drove seperately due to schedules. W ended up leaving early (10:30ish) and I stayed to hang out with friends - this was a horrible choice I wouldn't have made if I had not been drinking. Long story short, I ended getting attacked by my friend and he got arrested. My friend, is W's best friends BF.
Things were very tense for a few days around our house and then she started sleeping in the guest bedroom. We reconciled, as we have done on many other occasions, but didn't talk about how we were going to fix things. She came back to bed, but things still were not normal between us. On 2/4/09 she woke up in the morning and told me she wanted a seperation. She stopped wearing her wedding ring. She was full steam ahead and I couldn't stop it. I did everything wrong. I begged, cried, and even had talks with her parents and her friend (attacker's girlfriend). I finally told W that I would not fight the seperation. Next day she said we could move onto other side of house to see how things went for a while. I was ecstatic, but cautious and nervous. I continued to be model husband, bought gifts, wrote letters, cards, etc.
I had to leave to Texas to visit my daughter (previous marriage) and thought maybe a 1.5 week "cooling down" period would do us good. This was a huge mistake. Things were going pretty well before I left and I was working by DB'ing. When I left to Texas, all talking stopped between us, only text messages. I thought things were still going well, she still would respond saying "Hi Sweetie!" as recent as last Wednesday. My counselor said this was a good sign. On Thursday, I got a call from attacker's girlfriend. She really took my Guerilla Divorce busting talk to heart and was encouraging W to work things out. I told her to be sure she didn't tell W I talked to her. Previous to this she was suggesting that W leave and try being on her own for a while. She said she has been bothered about things W has been saying at work about me - calling me a loser, an alcoholic, and that she was going to make my life hell when I got back home. I told her friend to not take it to heart and try not to get too involved. Their friendship had become strained because she was the only one telling W to work things out. Well, after we got off the phone she went to our house and had a long talk with my W.
On Friday wife called me and said we needed to have a talk when I get back and she was really upset that I talked to her friend and family. I got home last night and she sat me down and told me she filed for Divorce on Friday. She said after rehashing our entire history with her friend on Thursday she realized that too much has been done and she wanted to start over as friends. Her friend apologized to her and said she had no idea. She said that she loves me, but does not want to be married any longer. She also said that she feels like she should want kids, but has not because of my behaviors.
I found this website last month and have been DB'ing for 3 weeks. I have a DB counselor also. Luckily I was somewhat prepared for what she wanted to talk about and didn't respond by crying, etc. I told her I expected it, was really sad and I think our marriage is worth saving and want nothing more than to stay together, but respect her decision.
I know there have been other dynamics at play as well. I quit my job 1.5 yrs ago to be a full time business owner. Things went okay until about 4 months ago, and I haven't brought home anything since that time period. We started arguing about $ which we never have done. This should've been a clue that we needed to go to counseling. There were many but I wasn't wise enough to see them. I withdrew even more and stopped helping around the house. I felt like a failure as a husband since I haven't been able to provide lately. We've been barely scraping by on her income, but we have significant savings so I played down her fear of deprivation.
She will not do counseling, she said she is done. We really love each other and still kind of hung out last night and watched TV together after "the talk." I have never ever been unfaithful and know that there is not OM at this point. I want to save my marriage so badly. I have made significant changes in my life. I have not had a single drop of alcohol since the night of the attack and will not. I just want things to stop moving forward and for us to try to work it out. She told me last night that she doesn't think I'm an alcoholic, but I do abuse it. I agreed whole-heartedly and joined her in her feelings about me and the situation. I also told her no matter what, I do not want to lose her as my best friend.
I have to leave out of town for business again this morning and am terrified. She wanted to start talking about how we are going to split things last night and I asked her to give me until next week to digest and process what she had told me. I don't want to get taken to the cleaners, but I know that if I go get my own lawyer things between us will get worse because we will start fighting about who gets what. I don't know if I can stop the process here in AZ and force some sort of counseling. Obviously she has already talked to the attorney and knows more about it than I do. She paid $2,500 to get the process started. All of her friends and family are telling her she is doing the right thing. I know our marriage is worth saving. She said we are going through this for a reason. She thinks our opportunity to change and grow, but apart. I agree but I think it's for us to change and grow together! I really took my marriage vows to heart and swore that I would make my marriage work no matter what. But I know that I've been putting her through the "worse" part of for better or worse. I can understand her feelings to how she got here. I'm sure she felt things were unchangeable for some time now. She is in full WAW mode.
I wish I would've learned my lesson before this, but I guess sometimes you have to experience severe lows to be taught a lesson you wouldn't learn any other way. I have read DB, DR, How to save your marriage without talking about it, and the Love Dare. I have watched the Marriage Breakthru as well. She will not read or watch anything about us trying to save our marriage. I am going to a counselor here locally, and have had 4 sessions with a DB coach. I don't know what to do. Things are friendly between us right now. She even mentioned going to the gym together before I leave to CA this morning. I am so devestated but will not let her see it. I have been upbeat, positive, and very calm. A major change from a few weeks ago. I am working on my last resort but am unsure what to do exactly. I didn't hang around a whole lot last night, I was in my room working on things and talking to a friend. We did watch Idol together and then I picked up some dinner and we ate together. I have been up since 4am crying.
When I walked in the door yesterday she said I looked good and look like I lost weight and noticed my new cologne. I have been working out since the attack, but my appetite has fell off since I went out of town. She said her lawyer told her the process can take about 3 months if everything goes smooth. It feels good to vent. I don't want to get family and friends involved too much. I know I've said it, but I want to save my marriage so badly. I am now the guy that that she always wanted me to be but she won't see it. Please give me some advice asap.
Thank you so much,
Josh
Me: 33 W: 26 Married: 5 yrs in July T: 8.5 yrs Kids: 0 Bomb: 2/4/09 D Filed (by her): 2/28/09
It's good to have a DB coach and great to have a counselor. Working out, looking better are all wonderful things.
Consider going to AA meetings or being evaluated by an AA counselor. Many of the mistakes and stumbles in your marriage seem to center around actions that happened while you were drinking. No one wants to be an alcoholic, no one wants to be labeled. Knowledge is the best recourse. You can only deal with a problem if you acknowledge it.
It's also important to know your legal rights. Consult with several highly regarded lawyers and tell them your situation. It will help you regardless of the outcome.
Your wife wants children but will not have them with you because of your behavior. Hello.. big red flag... she doesn't trust who you are.
It's about you getting healthy. Do that and the rest follows.
I agree with you 100%. I went to AA meetings before I met my wife - should've been a sign to me that I really have issues - and I didn't care foro them.
I don't care about the labels. I now acknowledge that I have a problem with alcohol. I don't feel that I need to sit around talking about it everyday feeling sorry for myself. I am a solutions based person, that's why I like Michelle's stuff so much. I feel the same about drinking. I know that I am the one that makes the choice to put the toxic chemical into my body. I can also choose not to. I actually have cut all my drinking friends out of my life because that is when I get pressured and would lose control. It took me up until a few months ago to really internalize my issue. Now that I have, I am done with it - no doubts. I know that it is not good for me and choose to do more productive healthy things with my time and life.
I definitely will take your advice on consulting with an attorney. The comment she made about children is a relatively new one to me. We talked about it occasionally but decided we would wait until after I get the business off the ground so she could stay home full time.
It's so hard for me because I know that I am a forever changed man. I just don't want it to be too late for us.
Me: 33 W: 26 Married: 5 yrs in July T: 8.5 yrs Kids: 0 Bomb: 2/4/09 D Filed (by her): 2/28/09
