Seperated and Not Talking

[Uncool Cat]

My wife and I separated about a month ago. She said she didn't love me anymore. I guess she's a WAW - ironically I'm the one who had to move out. I'm on red alert trying to do everything I can to save the marriage. I made some initial mistakes, but two weeks ago I signed up for coaching and started listening to the Michele's CDs and reading the books.

I haven't put any pressure on my wife (at least I hope not). I keep our boys (8 and 5) for her once a week when she goes to night school. When I do, I do the best job I can with the boys. Then once they are in bed, I work like a madman around the house. Doing as many things as possible: dishes, clothes, etc. When she comes home. I do my very best to act upbeat, ask her how school went, and then I say goodbye and leave.

She did thank me the last time I did this. I chaulked that up as a positive.

What frustrates me is that she doesn't really talk to me about anything. We discuss when I will pick up the boys, how long I will keep them etc. She's cordial, but that's it. She's not nice, mean or anything. It's like she's become this robot. I have been erased.

I don't know how to do a 180 here. I know not to pressure her. I know not to say I love you. I try to act happy. I'm just frustrated. Many (I know not all) of the techniques Michele suggests do involve having a conversation.

I just don't know what to do.

[Can it work]

Hi there Uncool Cat. Sorry to see you here on these boards. It's not a good situation we all find ourseselves in which causes us to come here. It's a fantastic place to come for support and advice though and no doubt you will be getting plenty of it.

I'm in a very similar situation to you right now. My wife told me all the things that yours told you. We separated on January 5th. The main difference here is that because it was her who was wanting the split, I refused to move out. In your case is there a particular financial situation which means you wouldn't be able to keep the house on yourself? You shouldn't be a doormat for her. You obviously still love her and want her back or you wouldn't be here. You have to stand up to her though and don't let her call all the shots. Women are attracted to a strong man and if you give her everything she wants, she may indeed be grateful but she won't respect you for it. It's time for you to work on yourself by getting a life and showing her that you're ok without her. That doesn't need to be true but you still have to act 'as if'.

Also, why are you only seeing your kids one evening a week? I have a baby boy and there's no way I could settle for such little contact. Again, I had to make my wife see that I needed as much time as I possibly could with him. I'm always going to be his Dad no matter what my wife wants to do about our marriage. I now have him 12 days out of every month. I'd have more but I work full time and it just wouldn't be practical.

Trust me, the feeling of hopelessness does get easier but you have to learn to start respecting yourself and do what's good for you. Right now it may seem as though that if you rock the boat you'll make things worse but the opposite is true. Don't give her everything she wants, it's only enabling her to do exactly what she wants in this situation. The last thing you want to do is make it easier for her.

Finally, STOP DOING ALL HER HOUSEWORK WHEN SHE'S OUT!! If you don't live there, it's not up to you to keep the house tidy. Let her do it herself. You said you made some initial mistakes but it sounds to me as though you're still making quite a few.

I don't mean this response to sound harsh and honestly I want you to succeed in this as I want to succeed in it myself. In your time on these boards you will get some serious criticism but it's all meant in the best way.

Good luck and keep smiling.

Kev

[Still Waters]

Hey Cat, sorry to hear about your W. I also am dealing with a WAW, and like everybody here says, it's a long tough road ahead.

You're still very early on in your situation (very little seems to happen with a WAW in anything less than 6-8 months, if that), and since you are separated, you need to go to the LRT. No talking about the R, no contacting your W (let her come to you), act as if, keep a PMA, and most importantly, GAL. The focus needs to be on YOU right now, because nothing you say will bring your W back to you. But there is PLENTY of things that will drive her further away.

But like Can it Work said, you need to set your boundaries and stick up for yourself. Once a week with your kids is not enough, and you need to let your W know that. Take a stand and show your W that you will fight, as a man and as a father, to keep a close relationship with your kids.

[Uncool Cat]

I didn't mean to imply that I only see my kids once a week. I do get to see them on the weekend. However, when that happens there is even less interaction with my wife.

The reason I am trying to do so much around the house on Tuesday is because that's what my DB coach told me to do. She also, did not tell me to take a stand like moving back home.

I do want to thank both of you for the support and advice though, and I'll ask my coach about your suggestions on Monday (03/09/09).

Also, Still Waters, you were using so many abbreviations, it was hard for me to keep up. Is there a key somewhere? I'm sure I will get more familiar after a while.

Last question: I am actually a newcomer. Should I move this discussion over there? Thanks again for the help.

[Still Waters]

There's probably a thread somewhere that explains all of the abbreviations, but here are the most common ones:

GAL = Get a life (which means focus on yourself and do things that make YOU healthy, happy, strong, and attractive)

PMA = Positive Mental Attitude (don't dwell on the negatives)

LRT = Last Resort Technique (going dark, cutting off all contact with your spouse, letting her come to you, not talking about the relationship...)

R = relationship

W = wife

H = husband

A = affair

OM = other man