Since you are never going to lie to me again, why are you are still with her if you love me so much? Are you going to keep her hanging on to see if I take you back before you tell her the truth? Or are you now lying to her like you have been lying to me all along?
I wonder if you are now going to try to be someone you aren't. NOW you say you will be honest. NOW you say you will communicate. NOW you say you lied.
It wasn't who you were when we were together. I want to be with someone who can and wants to communicate with me and doesn't turn to someone else. I want someone who doesn't have to work at being honest, but is an honest person by nature. I want someone who I trust. I no longer trust you. You haven't even stopped seeing her and here you are doing the same thing to her while telling me you won't do it to me again. Do you not see how that makes you look?
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Pearl, As to Puppy's point - there is a lot of validity to that point. I didn't conduct myself worthy of respect for a long time - I finally did AFTER W has started an affair, and now she's noticing, but it is a long road to haul. From another perspective for you, I know I made significant and permanent changes that warranted respect, and W sniffed at them at first, and said it was all a game. It took probably 2-3 months for her to start seeing that I was serious. If you do indeed find the stomach for it, it's really up to xBF - he has to earn the respect, you can't just up and give it. I've earned by sticking to my guns no matter what W does, and now she knows it.
It's funny about what you're feeling about the respect and emptiness - I've been thinking to myself about the possibility of moving forward with W, and mostly it just sort of makes my stomach sink, and I'm angry at her, and I don't know if I can even do this, and I, too, don't know if I can trust her.
But, you know what I wonder? Is this how SHE felt when all of this started? It doesn't excuse leaping into someone else's arms, but is this what it feels like?
I think your letter is very good! You made all the points you wanted/needed to make and made it clear to him that you have demands/needs from a R that are not being met by him (right now). He still needs to change more.
Just read something Puppy posted on another thread and another light went off:
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
I think it's important to remember that for women, RESPECT is tied VERY closely with LOVE. It's almost impossible for a woman to feel lovingly toward a man when she begins to lose respect for him.
Bingo.
I think that has an awful lot to do with the emptiness I feel inside right now. And how do I start to respect him again when I don't trust him?
It's not your job to do that (it's his), and you'll know it when you see it, over time.
I love that - you absolutely shouldn't have to bend down an inch to get to him.
If he is truly wanting you back, he should respond with a clear statement about OW - that leaves no room for translation, i.e: "I am not with her. I will never be with her again. I have removed her number from my phone, and blocked her number on my phone."
Also, as a typical male, I'd like to see exactly WHAT he plans to do to rectify the situation, but I would say that if he is where he says he is, he is probably at a complete loss as to what to do.
Again, words are mostly from Gucci so let's give credit where credit is due.
Here's where I'm really frustrated. If he's serious about what he says, why isn't he doing anything about it? He could have left flowers with the letter or send them to me. He knows I love them and has sent them on many occasions.
Or he could invite me out to dinner instead of that lame "email me if you want to chat" line.
Or he could have worked on the gardening while I was gone.
Originally Posted By: JDOllie
Also, as a typical male, I'd like to see exactly WHAT he plans to do to rectify the situation, but I would say that if he is where he says he is, he is probably at a complete loss as to what to do.
JD, do you really think he has no idea what to do or is he just waiting for a signal from me that I'm willing to take him back before he starts the hard work so he's not wasting any effort? I feel like it's the latter and it pisses me off.
In one of my new favorite songs, Mr. Lonely Man, the title character is looking in the mirror asking for help getting his girl back after she left. He says:
We gotta pull ourselves together Gotta make some kind of plan Show her that you love her Gotta be that kind of man Come on back Gotta get her home some way
That's what I want, a man who realizes that he has to show his love and be a better man. But I guess the song also points out that he doesn't know exactly how to do this. Well, if he can't figure it out he's not trying hard enough. It's not that difficult to at least make an attempt!
Last edited by pearlharbr; 03/09/0908:48 PM.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
It's been ages since I've been around. My first reaction is: go girl, you're in the driver's seat and that's where you belong.
My filter is the reality that I'm over my soon to be ex-h... I could never believe in him again. That 'believing' is about more than just trust, although trust is a part of it.
My ex simply stopped engaging in the m, he quit and I should have known it long before I did realize it.
What I've done is go back through what I know of his life. Yes, I've made some assessments of him; I don't think they are judgments but some of them are pretty harsh. He's just not a guy who's engaged that much in life... whether it be friends, family or career. It's not that he doesn't care about those things, he just doesn't sustain in the way that I need to admire and respect someone.
The one thing that bothers my ex right now? That my life is rich and full.. he recognizes that I am reaping what I have sowed... his words. And he wants that .. sure he has this woman, kind of, sort of,.. but it's all unclear, including him. And yup, I'm alone but I'm not lonely or unhappy.
So, does it make any sense for you to look at your exboyfriend as an entire package? And is that package what you want in your life. Does he really have it to keep reaching into himself to deal with whatever needs to be dealt with and keep at it?
I've often said that one thing that distinguishes people is not the problems that they face but how they deal with them. My ex just doesn't 'man-up' consistently enough (sorry guys, I love men, and a modified descriptor could be used for women).
In the final analysis I engage full-on ... in all sectors of my life... and I need to be with a man who gives to life (not just to our relationship) that way... no room for quitters, cowards, or people who are satisfied with half-lives.
You'll get to a place where you know whether this relationship can sustain you through a lifetime... until then, you're awesome, you're doing an amazing job living your own life fully.
Originally Posted By: gucci loafer Can you imagine if you were still hanging in there and hoping that by being nice and sweet to him would turn him around and where you would be?
Quote:
If there are any lurkers here who don't know my whole story, I was trying the whole "be friend-ly and ride it out" approach to the A but it was tearing me up inside because I felt like I was destroying my own self-respect. Suddenly a switch flipped and I knew I couldn't take it for one more minute. I can't tell you how much better I felt about myself for taking a stand and taking responsibility for my own happiness. Kicking him out may not have been strict DB practice, but it certainly follows the idea of realizing you can only control your own actions.
So that's a really long winded way of saying no, I can't imagine still doing that!
I tried the whole "nice" approach too for a year after finding out about Catbitch. My switch flipped one day as well and I've never looked back. Thanks for stating this so well.
It will be interesting to see your xBF's response.
Me 56 H 47 Married 21 years No children Bomb & moved out 4/07 "My feelings have changed" & "I want to live by myself". Ow Bomb 8/07 H filed 6/08 D final 2/05/10
As I said earlier, I think you stated your boundaries clearly and he should know very well what it is you need from him to consider a R with him.
Having said that, I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for a response. I think JD may be right when he said that he probably doesn't know what to do right now. His letter was probably an attempt to keep you on the line because he feels you are drifting away. That's good in the sense that he's still interested in you, but all signs point to him not being ready to give up the other W, even though he's implying that.
It seems like he still has some big decisions to make. Stay the course, you're getting his attention!
