So I am moving to a new home! I have been in the separated forum up to now. A quick recap of my sitch is in my signature. My STBXH is living with his gf who he started seeing before he left me in October 2007. Here is a link to my previous thread.
I have been DBing since May 2008 but he seems hard and fast stuck in this new/ not-so-new-now relationship and I have come to the conclusion that even if he did realise the error of his ways and realise what he has lost in me I can no longer be there. A part of me still cares about him and always will but I need to let go to move on. It is doing me no good mentally, I tend to obsess, and I need to put this behind me. Try as I might I have been going down the friendship route and it has been working however it does me no good in terms of moving on and letting go to keep having hope and seeing him.
I have been looking at my life and making some decisions and have taken some steps.
- I have 'defriended' his sister and best friends from FB so I can no longer spy on activity with ow. - I have made a list of things that I have always wanted to do but felt I gave up on those dreams to be married and have a house/ mortgage. I am selecting things and starting planning/ doing them. - I emailed h and addressed our financial issues as I had been afraid of rocking the boat in the past. He has not contributed to our joint responsibilities for 3 months now and small amounts kept disappearing from the joint account such as meals, theatre tickets etc as well as a loan payment he seems to have set up. Instead of accusing him of anything I have just stated that I think it is time we closed that account and suggested that he pay me the sum of money (which is a very small amount!) each month direct to my bank account and I will be responsible for the bills.
I'm taking my head out of the sand and moving forward. I'm excited about what my life will hold and am taking myself out of limbo! So... anyone fancy joining me for a drink?
Wow, it felt like a huge burden had lifted off my shoulders when I hit the submit button to Surviving - it felt great. Letting go is a struggle but I will do it, the journey has been long so far and I see further to go but I have learned so much.
With him I will be friendly but perhaps not friends just yet. Again time will do it's magic there I think.
One tequila with a Landshark chaser coming up, and maybe an ouzo Kalni... or is that a little strong?? lol!
For me, I am going to walk down to Camden Town this lunchtime, buy myself a scarf I have had my eye on for ages and have my favourite lunch and also maybe a glass of vino... I am on my own in the office this afternoon
I thought long and hard before making this choice but it is the right one!
Wow Julia.. good for you, thats amazing !!! And I love that when you finally felt 'ok' and strong in yourself.. you could just dash off an email plainly stating what YOU need in terms of the finances and telling him you wish to shut that account (thats a great idea!) and letting him off your bills.
WOw though, I didnt realise he had been seeing ow since Oct 07, I thought it was after May 08, when he said he didnt want to try anymore. So he was having an A then?? And well done for taking his sis off FB !!! Thats brilliant.
Seriously, you seem to have leap frogged emotionally in the past couple of weeks, its brilliant, good for you. I am sure there are only good things on teh horizon for you. You said before about your list of things to do.. and you inspired me by the way! I didnt make a list, just sort of resolved to start doing things I had always wanted to do.. thats why I signed up for the Tang Soo do and teh sailing! So thankyou !!
Al xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I'm so glad I inspired you, that makes me really happy. You helped me BIG TIME with the house/ finances, I couldn't have done it without you.
I worked on all the figures for the bills for ages and designed a spreadsheet and stuff for myself which I sent him so it was clearly laid out. Also, just to add, I didn't let him off the bills, he stopped paying... all of them, even the ones he is supposed to pay (joint credit cards, life insurance and the like) and started spending the money I was putting in there for bills. But I know what you mean
I think I have been living under denial. He left for no real/ good reason, and believe me I have looked and looked, self evaluated etc for about a year and a half. There are things I could have handled differently yes, and I have learnt/ am learning a very hard lesson. It is the next stage of life that counts for me now.
May 08 was when I found out they had gone on holiday together and I had definite proof, however for some bizarre reason still refused to believe it of him. Realistically I know he went away with her at New Year 07/08 and to her parents in Ireland in March 08. I think I would be naive to think that it hadn't been going on for some time before that. Before he left he wouldn't ml (I thought this was somehow my fault), detached from me (again I blamed myself), seemed to be ok with everyone in the office having affairs where as before he hated it etc etc, plus his Dad told me in Dec 07, I just wouldn't believe him. I'm wisening up and realising that there are some things in life you can't control and you also live and learn.
I can't wait to share with you my ideas for the next stages of my life. They are in the formulation stage at the moment but they are scary, different and way out of my comfort zone. I love it!!
Glad to hear you are doing well. I have been impressed with how you have handeled everything. I also appreciated the advice you gave me so thank you. If it's not too late I will have a large Rioja please....
Hey ((Julia))), I didn't think you were ready for the other side - I guess you are. My feelings exactly, "that a weight was lifted" - when I finally decided to go along with the D & move over here.
Our sitch is different than others, our marriages were brief, we have no real ties to our H. (You are more than me financially). For me the memories and my M slipped away like sand between my fingers. Nothing I could do to stop it. The reasons given - were not valid. I only see them as excuses for whatever bigger problems are within my H.
I look forward to hearing your next big plans
Oh Cheers!!! I'll have a Blue Moon (oh wait I'm having one now)!
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
Wow! You sound great! I wish you all the best and more. You have a lot of dreams yet to chase and find. Love your attitude. Keep us informed of your travels.
So... anyone fancy joining me for a drink?