Hi Guys, I've been lurking for a few wks, trying to find answers.
I've been with my H for 12 1/2 yrs, married for 7 this month. We have 2 Daughters, 8 and 6.
A yr ago my H said I don't make him happy anymore, and said he doesn't know why. He agrred to MC and we went to a couple of sessions, then she said it would be better to have IC w/ her since we had different issues we had to face. He didn't like it, said it made him feel worse, and brought up childhood pains he wasn't ready to relive.
We were "working on it" and he was willing to fix the problems we had. In Aug of 08 we went on a trip for a friend's wedding and he was Soooooo affectionate it was awesome, I had missed that so much. Sept of 08 a long distance relative of his commited suicide, my H got really sick, it was bad, I was there for him, he thanked me so much. He was being so affectionate saying I'm the best wife in the world, hugging me and kissing me constantly.
That same month he went out of town, to visit family, and while he was gone he told me he missed me more than any other time he had gone to see them, things were great. When he got back, he was a lil distant, I asked him why he was distant knowing he had been gone for 2 wks. Said he was tired b/c of an early flight and things like that. We got into a bit of an argument b/c he said I wasn't very appreciative of the fact that he was tired from traveling.
2 days later he came to surprise me at work, and took me out to lunch, he had NEVER done this before. While we were at lunch I said how romantic that was of him. He said if I knew you were going to consider this romantic I wouldn't have done it. I was just trying to be nice, not romantic. I asked hime why and he said he doesn't want to do anything romantic for me.
The next day I asked him what that was about, and he said look I'm not in love w/ you anymore. You don't make me happy. He said I never finish anything I set out to do, the house is never as neat as it should be, I have such a nasty attitude and I treat people mean, he says. He says he's tired of my nasty attitude, and my mouth. And he doesn't want to fix anything with me. I asked him about him missing me when he was gone and about me being the best wife in the world. He said he did miss me but when he got back he realized this just isn't for him anymore. He said I am the best wife in the world, but he's not sure why he is unhappy with me.
He says it's time to "do him" says he's been doing so much for me for solong that he has to find himself. Says he doesn't love himself anymore. He says he's not leaving the girls, he's leaving ME. He said he wants to get a car, and have $$ and move up in life, and those are things he can't have with me.
I was a SAHM for 5 yrs, but I worked PT for 3 of those yrs, but he says it's MY fault he had to struggle and get a 2nd job to support our family, b/c I didn't get a FT job. I asked him why he never told me how much it was hurting him and he says I should have figured it out and said Damn, let me get a FT job, b/c he is struggling. He knew we have absolutely NO ONE to watch our girls, and after school care is rediculously priced, but he doesn't see that now.
He told me he was moving out after the Holidays not to disturb the girls holidays. When the holidays were approaching, I asked him if he was still plnaiing on moving out after the holidays and he said he wasn't sure. But he did say that if he stayed it is b/c he doen't know how to tell the girls, and it doesn't mean he wants to fix anything w/ me b/c he doesn't. I asked him if our marriage is definitely over and he said yes, and gave me such an evil look.
Well, here we are in March, he hasn't left. We have a wknd trip planned this wknd, we still sleep in the same bed, ML almost every night,(the 1st time we did it, he TM the next AM and said sorry, we shouldn't have done that b/c he doesn't want to lead me on, I told him I'm a big girl, he wasn't leading me on, we were 2 adults with the same need in the same place at the same time, now we keep ML alll the time) and he began hugging me at night again. We do only peck on the cheek when one of us gets home or leaves. The other day he was leavin to the gym and was in a very good mood, and gave me a nice kiss on the lips, but now it's back to the cheek. He asks me to shower with him every night too????
I don't know what any of this means. I did snoop, I know, shame on me. Adn I found that he has a secret email acct that he signs on to his phone from work, then signs out before he leaves work.
He doesn't go out w/o telling me where he's going, he's always home from work on time. He does go to the gym nightly, but that's not new. So I'm not sure what's the pt in the secret acct, unless it's something emotional w/ some OW. B/c he is home every wknd with me, and there aren't any physical signs.
Any advice out there?? Could be this be a MLC?? What does it mean if he's hugging me at night again? This AM he ironed my clothes for me, he hasn't done that in yrs. Still just a peck on the chk for a kiss. He has been wrestling with me lately???
PS...He says he's been unhappy in our marriage for the past 4-5 yrs, but didn't want to hurt me by telling me, and that he's sorry it came out, but now that it is out, he doesn't want to fix anything. For Valentine's Day he got me my fave chocolates, he took me out to dinner. For his b-day back in Jan, I wa goint to take him to see his dad out of town, in another country, and he said the price wasn't worth it for a 4 day trip, but MAYBE NEXT YR. What's up with that? Plz help, I'm so confused, and don't want to read too much in to anything, to be let down.
Do you think if I finish a few life golas I had in the past he'll see I really am different now?
** Sorry for any typos I'm at work, and there are nosie people around.
Last edited by 2gthrButApart; 03/02/0905:16 PM.
M:28 H:30 DD-9| DD-7| Baby- Due 11/10 T-14 | M-8
10/08- Bomb 4/09- Failed attempt at Marriage Fitness Program 3/10- WH moved out. 7/10- Informed me he's filing in Aug
From what I read, this has nothing to do with you. He is either having a mid life crisis, or he is having some sort of affair with someone else. There is no reason to have a secret email account unless you are doing something you don't want your spouse to know about. He is hiding something from you.
He knows I've snooped before, so I wasn't sure if he has it b/c it's something he can have of his own. We share the phone acct so he knows I have access to his reg email acct, and all #'s he calls. And he knows I've read his IM's before. I'm not sure if it's like the DR book, whre the wife became more secretive just b/c she knew her H was snooping. And it's his own sense of privacy??
He has told me he has no interest in being w/ anyone else, he just wants to do him. He said the same thing to his best friend.And he has reminded me that we are not together but we are MArried, and therefore I can't see anyone else and he'll give me that same respect.
Last edited by 2gthrButApart; 03/02/0905:33 PM.
M:28 H:30 DD-9| DD-7| Baby- Due 11/10 T-14 | M-8
10/08- Bomb 4/09- Failed attempt at Marriage Fitness Program 3/10- WH moved out. 7/10- Informed me he's filing in Aug
It sounds like your H is having a midlife crisis. My W is the same way, although she hasn't wanted to ML in a year.
If you two are ML and he keeps saying he wants out, then I would put a stop to that. It's just being disrespectful to you and if he does get an OW, then he's going to leave you flat and you'll be much more worse than now.
Now would be a good time to establish boundaries. Your H sounds like my W in that she thought I was a mind reader when it comes to their feelings.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
27 and he's 29, but he always says how he feels so old. He hasn't said he wants out since Jan 14th. So I'm confused. And since after that time is when he began hugging me at nite again, which is one of my baby step goals I have written out.
M:28 H:30 DD-9| DD-7| Baby- Due 11/10 T-14 | M-8
10/08- Bomb 4/09- Failed attempt at Marriage Fitness Program 3/10- WH moved out. 7/10- Informed me he's filing in Aug
For you to be together for this long at this young of age, a mlc could possibly happen at this age because you can realize of all of the "oportunities" that you missed out on. I would start to distance myself and not act like a sex doll. He needs to know you as a woman and that may take some "alone" time for both of you if you know what I mean.
that sounds so much like my situation only no kids and he is in spare room. Its just so horrible. I'm trying to stay and positive as possible. I can't bare to think this will last another month never mind a year.
I can't agree more with setting boundaries. If you ever have some time to read through my sitch you will see the struggle I myself had with that, but its changed things alot for me.
At some point you are going to start feeling disrespected, like all he wants from you is ML. My H and I would ML and then right afterward he would say things like "we should not have done that" or " I just don't want to risk getting you pregnant right now" I didn't care for a while because I felt like I have needs too, but after a while of that it really started to make me angry. Like I was good enough to sleep with but not good enough to be married to.
Its very important that you don't allow him to start "cake-eating" This will happen if you don't think about what you are willing to put up with.
I can relate to alot of your sitch. First of all you two are the same age as H and I, and I was given the same reasons. I still think there was or is at least an EA, but Ive never had anything to prove it. After he said he wanted a D, he changed all this passwords to everything...and now we dont even live together anymore. I have also thought an early MLC. My H too talks about all the things he wishes he would have accomplished, he cant commit to anything, cant keep a job longer then 6 mths because he gets tired of it, and can never make up his mind about what he wants to do with the rest of his life. Like everything up to this point was a mistake, and I am to blame for that. except, I am not. I am not responsible for his happiness and you have to see that as well.
The best advice I have been given, is first of all to read DB or DR, a few times, and set goals for yourself. Work on GAL. Not pursuing is the hardest but most effective thing. Its going to be a hard and possibly long journey but we are all here for you
Boy I thought I was the only one getting the "we shouldn't have done that speech". LOL. Yes boundaries. I finally put them in place because everytime I had to hear those words, it took me out of my healing and sucked me right back into pain. It lasted 8 weeks and then something changed. I don't know what yet but something is different. No more we shouldn't have done that. It is wierd sort of but nice.
I think that it is an indication that they are not as sure about what they are thinking as they want us to think. My H too said this is all about him, no one else. Now it is but when it started well that was a different story. So I would set your boundaries and do your best to stick to them. This is a long road and you never know what is around the next bend.
If you focus on the past, you ruin the future. You can only live for today.
My W expected me to be a mind reader too. She said I should have seen the signs. Who controls the finances in the house? Does your H know about all the expenses? I know the feeling of helplessness you feel now. I feel like my life is on hold. Some of the best advice you'll get here is to take care of yourself first. You need to respect yourself too, and don't fool yourself into thinking you're being ML to. Make sure it's not going just one way.
