That was good, we both liked the thanking him part! It was totally true b/c we just went on a 2 week trip and she kept talking about how he wasn't the type of guy she saw herself with and she just wasn't sure of him.
As far as my sitch, I think I am going to be filing for the big D. I am tenatively planning on talking to the H this weekend.
I talked to a lawyer who said that we don't even need lawyers if we don't want and if we can agree. He told me to get the paperwork at the courthouse and then H will be served. It's a 90 day waiting period in IA. Then he and I will have to work on a Marital Settlement agreement (we can get it on the internet?).
It's better for him (meaning us) not to have a lawyer because the lawyer will smack him upside the head if he/she knows what he told me he would settle for. (I won't owe any of his debt and I get the house and all the money in it). In my case, I think lawyers will result in a worse prognosis for me.
The other night I talked with him because I needed to ask him to go into our Life Insurance person's office. I have been paying his and I'm finished. I was very pleasant about it. After we talked, he called back 5 minutes later. He wanted to tell me how sorry he is for everything that happened between us and he feels really bad. He also said that it really weighs on him some days. I feel pity for him. I don't know how he is going to get rid of the weight from this awful thing that he's done. It's very sad. And what the heck is he going to tell his next girlfriend/wife. (He'll probably just lie). Or maybe he'll marry the OW.
Last I had told you he was going to go to counseling on his own. (Beginning of July) Guess how many times he's gone??? A big fat 2 times. What an effort!!!
Anyways, I'll keep you posted if I talk with him this weekend. I am ready to move forward with my life. I can't be in this limbo anymore. I feel I have given him ample time.......
Any thoughts on what to say. I hesitate to ask because this is no longer a game. I'm not trying to say the right things to win him back cause I'm ready for D.....
Last edited by Belle; 09/21/0908:47 PM.
M:36 H:36 M 3 Y T 8 Y No kids Bomb 6/30/08 PA I filed 9/29/09 D final 1/22/2010
Hi Belle, I have been gone from these boards for a long time it seems... but have often thought of you and finally found your posts tonight. I am sorry that things have not worked out in your situation. It sounds like you have really worked hard, and have very strong faith. I believe that will carry you through with your decision. It still sucks.
Things have worked out with my H and I. He came home right before x-mas last year, and we slowly started putting our life together again. He kept his apt. until he graduated in May, but never really stayed there. We have moved for his internship, which has put a huge strain on our finances, but after last year I have learned that we are putting our marriage first, and I am so happy to say that we are so incredibly strong at this point. I really give my H credit, because it would have been so much easier for him to leave... I am sorry your H has not come around.
We are actually thinking about kids... I can't believe we have come this far! We occasionally talk about what happened, but have really not dwelled on it much. Forgive, and learn how to move forward.
I hope you find peace and happiness, even if it is with D
(oh- sig is not updated... we are a year older and very much together!_
Last edited by optimistwife; 09/25/0903:48 AM.
Me-36 H-30 T-7yr, M-3yr DivorceBusting Saved my marriage! sep 6-08 to 12-08. Together again, things are good!
I had searched for you recently, but hadn't found you.
I'm glad to hear that you have worked things out. I know the last few posts I saw things were looking great. That is awesome that you are still together. I always dread hearing from those that seem to have rode off into the distance that things went sour again. Congrats to you - I know that you really worked hard on your R and you were patient.
Tonight I am feeling sad........I have talked to H a couple of times this week due to Life Insurance issues (he STILL hadn't gone into the office and they had been calling him since the end of Aug). I was downright tired of it. When we did talk on the phone, we got to laughing and it was bittersweet because it will be over soon. The peace that God has given me somehow allows me to not hold grudges or anger towards him.
It's awesome that your H came around, mine just isn't doing much at all for himself or us.....It's very sad.
I filled out all the paperwork for the D and now all I have to do is take it to the county clerk's office and pay $100. I'm crying as I write this and I haven't cried in more than a month. The paperwork was amazingly simple and the Marital Settlement Agreement also looks amazingly simple also. Who knew getting a D would be so easy? (Although I haven't let him know yet).
This is one of the hardest things I think I will ever have to do. But I know I've got to move on with my life.
Thanks for checking up on me.
M:36 H:36 M 3 Y T 8 Y No kids Bomb 6/30/08 PA I filed 9/29/09 D final 1/22/2010
I am sorry that you have had to go through all of this, but you are very strong to get to this point, and you will get through this. You sound so much better in your posts emotionally than you did a year ago.
I can only imagine the final grief of filing (well, I did imagine it at one point for me) and hope that your heart can heal!
You are in my Ts and Ps!
Me-36 H-30 T-7yr, M-3yr DivorceBusting Saved my marriage! sep 6-08 to 12-08. Together again, things are good!
Of course he was upset, said he wished I wouldn't have sprung it on him like this, he wished i would let him do it his way (spend time with me to build a connection again). I told him that couldn't happen when he's seeing OW. Oh and he said he would have stopped seeing her, he would have given me his phone bills, he would have blah, blah, blah. That's not what I heard during our last serious conversation in June - what I heard was "It's ending, soon, I'm telling you. It's fading away." (Uh, how about being a man and just ending it NOW?)
He dreams about the good times between us.
He is so unhappy with his life, he doesn't know what to do.
He asks God to help him, but He hasn't.
He knows what he is doing is bad for him but he doesn't understand why he is doing it - it's like a person who smokes cigarettes, they know it's bad for them but keep on doing it.
He will sign the papers if I can tell him with 100% certainty that our marriage cannot be saved. I told him that he can't do this to me now.
He's just plain miserable and if he doesn't become happy someday, he's just going to end it all.
He thinks about me, but I seem happy and so he figures he should just leave me alone. Besides, he just doesn't know how he will handle dealing with my parents.
He cried and said that he really has nobody, not like me who has my parents.
He doesn't want to lose me because he knows just how special I am and it will be hard to find anyone like me again. And maybe I'm too good for him.
He hasn't gone to counseling because he doesn't think it works (How would you know when you only went twice in 3 months?) and he doesn't have time with school. Uh, you don't have time to improve your mental and emotional health which is a train wreck right now???
After he left he called me to thank me for still supporting him after all the awful things that he's done to me.
It is very sad. I cried at the end when I told him that I am so sad for him. He used to be this loving, charming, personable man who lit up the room when he was there. Now he is bitter, unhappy, sad and lost. What a waste of someone who has so much potential.
Today I called him to ask him if he would watch the dog while I went away next weekend. He told me that he talked with one of his coworkers - her husband cheated on her many years ago. They are still married but she told him that to this day, it still hurts.
Maybe I am all wrong here, but I told him that I have no doubt that we can work out our M. But I can't do it on my own and he hasn't done anything these past 15 months.
He said he's going to start going to his counselor. I'll believe it when I see it.
Truthfully, I don't know if I'm insane to hope that this M can be turned around. He doesn't know the Lord and that scares me. In fact, he is very resistant to Christianity but somehow I think that God will help me with this situation if we were to get back together. I don't know if I am just a naive idiot or what.
Right now I think it's a lot of hot air and I'm not getting overly concerned. My plan is to apply and attend Naturopathic Medical school next fall. I don't know how that will work since H is going to be stuck here at least until Feb 2011.
This situation is going to get somewhat sticky - 90 day waiting period in IA and I don't think H is going to file a response. So then it will be up to me to file a motion for a divorce by default.
It kind of makes me angry that H has put me through this and then it seems that he is going to make it even more difficult and painful for me. It's selfish if you ask me. But then what do I expect from someone who is so messed up?
I am going to go pray about this now.
Puppy, if you have any thoughts they would be appreciated. I know you are busy helping others out but any advice would be appreciated.......
M:36 H:36 M 3 Y T 8 Y No kids Bomb 6/30/08 PA I filed 9/29/09 D final 1/22/2010
I think you need to use this 90 days to just turn it -- and turn your husband -- over to God. Only He can change his heart, and it sounds like your husband is still all about "me, me, me" and not displaying any deep and meaningful changes or character at this point.
"This is your mess; you need to clean it up" needs to be your mantra, and also "Commit nothing; expect nothing." If he promises you a bunch of changes, or even that he's now BEGUN them (and I suspect that he will, now that you've filed), then just say "That's good; I'm glad you're doing those things, for your own sake." If he asks you anything more specific, I would just say "I'm always open to what God has in store for my life, so I NEVER say 'never,' but for now, I have moved on," and let it lie at that.
One of the saddest and scariest things I ever did was to TRULY give my wife over to God. Oh, I thought I already had, but I hadn't REALLY, and it was one day -- when I was mowing the lawn, of all things! -- that I just gave her over to Him, and so there I was, tears streaming down my face as I continued to mow my lawn in the hot humidity of a Florida summer day.
That was only a few months ago, TWO YEARS after my wife's affair was started (and ended), that I truly "gave it over." It's like I had SAID all the right things, in prayer, to God about turning IT over, but I hadn't truly given HER over, kwim? So suddenly it hits me, who am I to NOT TRUST GOD HIMSELF to take care of her??? What, like I can do a better job of it than HE can?? It was earthly hubris and arrogance of me, and I was convicted for that attitude, and so I just . . . let it go.
Let HER go.
And the thing is, I believe THAT is when, I truly started to get her back, now that I look back on it. Don't get me wrong, I was dead 100% sincere and really WAS letting her go when I prayed it -- it wasn't some "trick" to get her back -- I was done, and was moving on. But now that I look back on the last couple of months, and all of the significant things that have happened in my marriage, I really think that it started that day as I mowed my lawn and just pictured in my spirit me holding my wife in my arms, carrying her, and laying her at the foot of the Cross and saying "You need to take care of her now. I have done the best I could, you KNOW I have, but I just can't do it anymore. Please love her, and take good care of her, and continue to let me know what I should do."
Puppy
Last edited by Puppy Dog Tails; 10/05/0903:15 PM. Reason: added more thoughts
Wow PDT. That post you just made caused me to tear up as well. I think as I was sitting in my bathroom yesterday crying my eyes out so my d8 would not hear me I did the same for my WAW.
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
I think you need to use this 90 days to just turn it -- and turn your husband -- over to God. Only He can change his heart, and it sounds like your husband is still all about "me, me, me" and not displaying any deep and meaningful changes or character at this point.
"This is your mess; you need to clean it up" needs to be your mantra, and also "Commit nothing; expect nothing." If he promises you a bunch of changes, or even that he's now BEGUN them (and I suspect that he will, now that you've filed), then just say "That's good; I'm glad you're doing those things, for your own sake." If he asks you anything more specific, I would just say "I'm always open to what God has in store for my life, so I NEVER say 'never,' but for now, I have moved on," and let it lie at that.
One of the saddest and scariest things I ever did was to TRULY give my wife over to God. Oh, I thought I already had, but I hadn't REALLY, and it was one day -- when I was mowing the lawn, of all things! -- that I just gave her over to Him, and so there I was, tears streaming down my face as I continued to mow my lawn in the hot humidity of a Florida summer day.
That was only a few months ago, TWO YEARS after my wife's affair was started (and ended), that I truly "gave it over." It's like I had SAID all the right things, in prayer, to God about turning IT over, but I hadn't truly given HER over, kwim? So suddenly it hits me, who am I to NOT TRUST GOD HIMSELF to take care of her??? What, like I can do a better job of it than HE can?? It was earthly hubris and arrogance of me, and I was convicted for that attitude, and so I just . . . let it go.
Let HER go.
And the thing is, I believe THAT is when, I truly started to get her back, now that I look back on it. Don't get me wrong, I was dead 100% sincere and really WAS letting her go when I prayed it -- it wasn't some "trick" to get her back -- I was done, and was moving on. But now that I look back on the last couple of months, and all of the significant things that have happened in my marriage, I really think that it started that day as I mowed my lawn and just pictured in my spirit me holding my wife in my arms, carrying her, and laying her at the foot of the Cross and saying "You need to take care of her now. I have done the best I could, you KNOW I have, but I just can't do it anymore. Please love her, and take good care of her, and continue to let me know what I should do."
Puppy
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Puppy, You just put into the most eloquent words where I am right now.
W has until tomorrow night to get me back our dissolution agreement before I file for D. I have also truly let her go, and interestingly enough, it was the exact same realization - why in the world did I think I needed to control/handle the situation, sort of a "duh" moment.
Belle - I'm at a point in my life where I'm actually filing a D - when I've fought for 3 years to avoid it. But I'm filing because I see bitterness in my kids - they need closure. I am happy and well-adjusted, but when the kids and I try to move forward, my W drags me back down.
We need freedom, the kids and I need closure. It hurts, I hate it more than anything, but sometimes it is the right thing.
It is your H's choice now. If he wants you, he'll be willing to make REAL clear changes, you deserve that, and I would not settle for less, or else everything will always be the same.
Hand him over to God, grieve, cry your tears, and then look up!
