I am thinking of going to my parent's house adn finally telling them what's been going on and to stay for a few days. I haven't told any family yet because I didn't want them to hold any grudges in case we reconciled or I didn't want pressure from them to do things that would just make it easier on me, but at the expense of the M. But I think once I tell them, the M will just go down hill cause of all the 'advice/pressure/negative talk/etc.
I really, really feel tired, confused, and extremely down right now.
ST,
I would really encourage you to reach out to your family and friends right now, and allow them to support you and minister to you. You need to lean on someone, and that takes precedence over any embarrassment that you might be feeling if you were to reconcile with your wife.
I could NOT have gotten thru my sitch without my parents and my brothers and sister! They were so important to me.
We just had a blow out. She wanted to talk about her email and I told her that I didn't want to talk, just like I did earlier since I was still feeling angry about the whole thing. But she kept insisting, so I said fine..let's talk. And I unloaded a little bit of my new angry feelings that I've had to hold back because of the DBing. This was probably considered a major no-no backlide, but right now, I'm at the point where I feel I have nothing to lose anymore.
I also mentioned about how I don't agree with not even trying a separation first and jumping right to a D, but she doesn't even want to do that either. And insisted that if we did try a separation, she won't be the one to move out. And I expressed that we have been together 15yrs, married 11yrs, and have a child, and she couldn't even give me 2days for Retrouvaille or even a single MC session where she went in wholeheartedly as a last ditch effort to exhaust all options before taking that last door. But she claims she already has exhausted all options...although none of them included me there I guess.
At this moment, I really don't want to even look at her. Tonight probably was a major backslide, but I don't know if there was anything to be recovering back to anymore. It seems pretty clear to me from what I was told now that nothing has changed at all since the DBing started, and this whole time she was just waiting for me to give up hope and accept it so we could have an amicable D. And I was taking too long so she couldn't wait any longer for me to give up and just filed the D today. She even again said that me having hope was me not taking what she tells me seriously because she already told me she had no hope. So I was supposed to have just rolled over and died, and just agreed to a D and signed the papers months ago when she dropped the bomb. This is kinda what I've had to deal with.
I honestly don't know if I can do it anymore. The angry feelings are starting to fill me now.
I would really encourage you to reach out to your family and friends right now, and allow them to support you and minister to you. You need to lean on someone, and that takes precedence over any embarrassment that you might be feeling if you were to reconcile with your wife.
I could NOT have gotten thru my sitch without my parents and my brothers and sister! They were so important to me.
Puppy
Your right Pup. My family has been incredibly supportive. They even said I could move back in if I want to. If I didn't have my son, I probably would have taken that option since I really can't even look at W right now.
But I still want to be around for my son, and will have to try to be tough and be around for him. I really don't want to go home tonight, and my folks want me to stay tonight, but I think I may have to go back tonight since my son starts a soccer program tomorrow morning, and I am the volunteer assistant coach. Though I know the head coach, and he'd completely understand if I wasn't there and also my son is sick today so he might not be able to play tomorrow, but I feel like I should be there in the morning just in case he is feeling better and wants to play. I will not miss out on time with him because of this.
So Tired, I'm truly sorry for your stitch. The things your W has said sounds so familiar. But, that does not help your feelings. I think right now, you need to do something as a means of not only being able to feel your anger but to try to express it in some form. By what you said, you have kept it suppressed by using the DB techniques. That is not good to keep it pushed down inside b/c it will explode at some time....as yours did. It was her fault for pushing the talk when you clearly told her no. Anyway, what I suggest is to find a gym, a punching bag, or something that you can hit the daylights out of it and get this anger worked out of you physically b/c it is dangerous for you. I am not being funny, I am being very serious. I know a man who keeps a boxer's punching bag hanging up in his back yard and that is how he keeps his anger and stress under control by releasing it all on that bag and I mean he really lets it have it! But, it keeps him cooled down afterwards.
Okay, back to the M. Time to drop the rope and go dark. Hard to do if you don't live in a different place and you co-parent. But, I look at going dark being very different from detaching. Detaching is doing it lovingly. Going dark is not so lovingly. You just stay away and tune the other person out as if they were no longer a part of your life and you move on. I understand your connection with your son and appreciate you for that. First thing to do is set the rules where he is concerned and fight for your rights for him. You have at least 50% of time with him. Judges no longer just automatically give the child to the mother just b/c she is his mother!! Times have changed! So, you fight for your right to have you son and not just at her convenience but what works for you, as well.
Dropping the rope is setting her free. You go your way and have a life. If she sees you attractive and unavailable and in time wants to reconcile......then she will make the first move. It happens all the time. Often, it takes this move to get the W's eyes open. But, there are no promises. You have no other options that I see at this time and still be able to hold your head up as a man.
I know it is embarrassing for you. Accept your family's support, but I would suggest that if they start to say anything negative about your W, I would ask them not to do that. The reason is b/c I was on the end of that many years ago when I tried to leave my H and it left scars that I never got over. They can support you without running her down with their negative talk. But, you have to be the one to ask them not to say unkind things about her. That is hard for them b/c it is you they love and she has hurt their loved one. But, my H never took up for me and that hurt me very much. If the two of you ever reconcile, then you will be very glad that you did not listen to negative talk. Besides, it will only add fuel to your anger at this time.
Don't stop coming here to post b/c you still need this support, as well. We will be here.
Take care of yourself, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you for your input. My IC has been concerned about me and holding in angry feelings too, so I will be sure to find an outlet for them. Even if it just means putting an extra plate on the bar when I workout.
But you're right about dropping the rope and going dark. I think I am at the point where I really just want to drop the rope and go dark now.
This morning she asked if I was ready to talk. I said not really, but I did tell her that I know she wants us to be friends and have an amicable D. And using what I read someone else use in their thread, I said that I'm not at the point where I can do that yet. I need time to get there and catch up to where she is. She quickly replied that I don't have to do anything yet, and she filed to just get it started cause she felt she had to do something but it doens't mean that I have to do anything right now or that we are just ending it right now.
I said that I really wanted us to have a physical separation for now. And I will be partly moving in with my parent's. I say partly moving out, because there will be days I need to be up here and also I do want to see my son. And I might just come here in the day to do things I need to do while she is gone at work. She said ok to the separation.
Going dark won't be a problem cause I really want this time apart to try to move on with my life while knowing that I did try every option including separation before a D. Yes, it sounds like I have completely given up, but maybe I have. It is up to fate now. After time apart, if I have not already moved on and gotten over her, and she somehow comes around, then maybe we can try to work on our R. But even then, I feel that too much trust has been violated and I don't know if I can ever get that back now.
I just don't know how to do this while also trying to spend time with my son also. It kills me to not be able to see him every single day. I want to call him every night, but I don't want to call because my W will be here to pick up the phone. I could still pick him up from daycare, but I don't think I should because that has always given her the flexibility of coming home whenever, or coming up with last minute dinner plans with friends. And I want her to feel what it is like to be a single parent without my support, that I feel was taken for granted, around anymore.
How do people handle going dark or separation when a child is involved? If anyone has suggestions or experience, I'd really like to hear from you.
What we are going to do now is I am going to live at my parent's house M-F. And I will come see my son on weekends. She did suggest maybe I come stay Thurs-Sun, but I changed it to just weekends. It hurts me that I'll see my son less, but I think that it would defeat the purpose of a separation if I'm there 4 days out of the week. I didn't think I'd want to see her that often anymore either. On the weekends, it's unclear right now if she will be around when I'm there. Rigth now, I have no objections either way cause I'm thinking that it may be good for my son to see us together sometimes.
But I will probably have to come by the house during the day while she is at work, just to take care of stuff in the area. Plus I want to work out with my gym in the basement.
But I am going to use this separation time to completely drop the rope and get on with my life. I feel exhausted, and hurt more deeply than ever before in my life, and I can't wait around any longer. If something happens before I have completely moved on, then maybe we'll talk about it and see if I can even get past all these emotions that I have now. But right now, I need to stop hurting, and I don't want to feel angry anymore. I just want to live again.
Keep reminding yourself that this arrangement will not be forever and you will get to be with your son more. As I told you, you have a right to see him 50% of the time. It is working a schedule out that is hard.
I agree that a physical separation is what you need at this time. She would try to get you pulled into a R talk and you don't want that. When you don't feel like talking about it and need to get your head clear.....that is certainly NOT the time to talk just b/c she chooses the time. So, I believe you are making the right decision for now.
I hope that in time, she will get her act together and see what she is losing and make a turn around, but there is to guarantee.
Anyway, take good care of yourself and keep posing to us.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
It's been 3 full days/nights into my physical separation now. It still feels like an emotional roller coaster cause I can feel fine 1 minute, and then something triggers me to think about the whole thing and I'll be down the next minute.
I miss my son terribly, and am constantly looking at his pictures. I can't wait till this weekend when I'm going to see him. I still have feelings for my W, but I can't help that I hope she will have to do extra work now that I'm not there and maybe it'll trigger something.
It's hard to use the internet cause it's not setup yet. But I'm tapping into a neighbor's wifi temporarily and lose connection alot...lol
I know she already had to have her parents come babysit on Mon and Tues cause my son was sick. I found out cause I stopped by the house to take care of someting on Mon afternoon, thinking noone was there, and there they were....that was kind of an awkward moment. But her mom cried and asked me to keep trying cause she doesn't want us to divorce either. Her dad hugged me but didnt say anything, though he is usually quiet. So I dont really know what he thinks. I almost ran into them on Tues too cause I was in the area and wanted to go to the house to use the bathroom. But I saw their car and kept driving and had to use bathroom at the park district office...lol. And W told me already that she may need her mom to come early and take my son to daycare M-W next week too. Usually it was me who took our son to daycare if she had to leave the house early, or me that took time off to stay home if our son was sick.
And I always picked up our son from daycare so that she could work later if needed. And then I'd make dinner for myself and son, and she'd come home to a dinner already waiting. Not anymore though...I just worry that if her mom will be picking up my son, he'll get hungry waiting for W to get home.
I've been talking to friends alot, but I don't have the luxury of getting together since they are all out of state now. Being away from the house makes it much easier to go dark. Though supposedly going dark doesn't mean you are trying to get over them, but I find myself constantly telling myself to try to get over her and just move on cause it's less painful. Maybe it's cause the feelings of anger are pushing me that way.
I have an IC session tomorrow. But I think it'll be my last. Money is still tight cause I'm still looking for a job. And now that I've moved out, her office is kind of far away now. And I signed up for a class that starts next week and it'll hard to find time too.
I woke up today and for a sec, thought this was just some bad dream that I just woke up from.
I had my last IC session last night, partly cause its kinda far now since I am at my parents house right now, and cause I'm trying to save money since I'm still looking for a new job. And somewhat cause I kinda got this feeling that the IC wasn't right for me.
Like last night, I was talking about how I had to move out to not see the W, and how I was trying to go dark and how it may trigger her to miss me or something. And the counselor kept telling me that won't happen and she thought it was a mistake to move out and go dark cause I'm giving my W exactly what she probably wants right now. Way to add more confusion to my already confused mind.
One thing we did talk about that made me think is that we got on the subject of how my W said she tried to get me to work on our M together but I didnt respond. And I always believed that I didnt' know. But the C asked if it was that I really didnt' know or I didnt' want to know. And then yesterday, I did find an old email where my wife asked me to take this relationship test. I do remember that one cause I was too busy and put it off and forgot about it. Of course she was mad that I didnt' do it. So it got me to thinking that maybe my W was right...maybe I didnt' respond cause sometimes I didn't want to hear it. And I kept thinking about why I wouldnt' want to hear something like that.
I think I was really afraid. I was afraid of what we would uncover and was afraid that it would lead to something that couldnt' be fixed, and maybe if I just gave it time, it would fix itself. I think I'm afraid of failure. And I didn't want to feel like I failed at this M.
For some reason, my whirlwind of emotions today is focused on me. Today, I'm suddenly feeling like maybe my W was right in all the things she complained about, and maybe I did mess this M up and I deserve this.
Just when I thought I already went through every emotion and scenario already, my mind finds a new one to try out. I guess if there is truth to what I feel now, there is something for me to learn from this.
But is this something that I should talk about if my W wanted to talk about our R, as part of validating what she felt? Or is it better just left for myself cause it won't help anymore, or can hurt the situation more?
