TRAUMA/DRAMA...I NEED HELP FROM THE DALIA LAMA

[smiles76]

I SPEND A LOT OF TIME HERE ON THIS FORUM BUT UP UNTIL TODAY I HAVEN'T REALLY POSTED.BUT TONIGHT I AM ACTUALLY POSTING BECAUSE INSTEAD OF GETTING EASIER THINGS JUST SEEM TO BE GETTING HARDER AND HARDER FOR ME.

HERE IS A BRIEF RECAP OF MY SITUATION...
I MARRIED MY COLLEGE SWEETHEART ABOUT 6MO AFTER GRADUATION AT THE AGE OF 21.I HAVE TO SAY THAT THINGS REALLY CHANGED FROM THE MOMENT WE SAID I DO...I DON'T THINK IT WAS MARRIAGE THAT CAUSED THE CHANGE BUT THAT IS WHAT I THOUGHT BACK THEN.I THINK IT WAS ACTUALLY THAT WE HADN'T EVER DISCUSSED OUR MARRIAGE EXPECTATIONS.I THOUGHT WE WOULD "SETTLE DOWN" AND HE THOUGHT WE WOULD ACT LIKE WE DID IN COLLEGE BUT JUST LIVE IN THE SAME HOUSE AND GO TO WORK INSTEAD OF CLASS.LIVING PRETTY MUCH LIKE WE HAD IN COLLEGE PROBABLY WOULD HAVE WORKED OUT FINE EXCEPT THAT I HAD MOVED TO HIS HOMETOWN AND HAD ZERO FRIENDS AND HE WAS IN HIS HOMETOWN WITH LOTS OF FRIENDS AND HIS FAMILY...MY FAMILY WAS ABOUT 4 HOURS AWAY BY CAR AND I DIDN'T REALLY HAVE FRIENDS AND HAD NOT FOUND A JOB YET.THIS GOT US OFF TO A ROCKY START...IN COLLEGE I HAD A BAZILLION FRIENDS AND WAS VERY INDEPENDENT.I WAS A TOTALLY DIFFERENT PERSON IN THIS MARRIAGE (DIDN'T REALIZE IT THEN).I LOST ALL CONFIDENCE--I WASN'T MEETING ANYONE,DIDN'T KNOW MY WAY AROUND TOWN,AND WAS STRUGGLING TO GET MY CAREER STARTED.I BEGAN TO RESENT MY HUSBAND.HE WAS OUT WITH FRIENDS REGULARLY AND ALTHOUGH I WAS INVITED TO COME ALONG I USUALLY DIDN'T JOIN HIM---PRETTY OFTEN I PASSED ON THE INVITATION BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO GET ANYWHERE AND WAS PRETTY AFRAID (THANKS TO GPS AND MATURITY THAT WOULD NEVER BE THE CASE THESE DAYS).A VERY BAD PATTERN DEVELOPED, HE'D GO TO WORK, GO OUT AFTER WORK, COME HOME VERY LATE....I'D SIT AT HOME IN THE APT ALL DAY AND WAIT UP LATE AND YELL AND NAG HIM WHEN HE DID GET HOME...OH YEAH AND I WOULD NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE WHO HAD IGNORED ME UNTIL THEY WANTED SEX SO OUR SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP WAS NEGATIVELY AFFECTED AS WELL.THERE OF COURSE ARE GOOD TIMES MIXED IN AS WELL BUT I WANTED TO EXPLAIN WHERE SOME OF THE TRAUMA/DRAMA COMES FROM.

AFTER STRUGGLING FOR ABOUT 4 YEARS MY HUSBAND HAD AN OPPORTUNITY TO TAKE A JOB WHICH WOULD MOVE US TO NEUTRAL TERRITORY...NO FAMILY FOR EITHER OF US AND JUST ONE WORK ACQUAINTENCE OF MY HUSBANDS.WE MADE A MOVE ABOUT 12HRS FROM OUR CURRENT LOCATION.THOUGH HAPPY FOR A FRESH START, I WAS ALSO FEELING SOME RESENTMENT...I HAD FINALLY MADE A GOOD GROUP OF FRIENDS AND HAD AN AMAZING JOB AND MY H HAD TO START HIS NEW JOB RIGHT AWAY SO I HAD TO PACK AND SELL THE HOUSE ON MY OWN AND FIND A NEW JOB BEFORE I COULD RELOCATE.I MANAGED TO DO BOTH AND MOVED TO THE NEW LOCATION AND GOT SETTLED IN A NEW JOB....WHEN LOW AND BEHOLD THE COMPANY ELIMINATES MY HUSBANDS POSITION (H ONLY BEEN THERE 4MO AND ME ONLY 2 1/2).AN ALTERNATE POSITION IS OFFERED BUT IT REQUIRES MOVING FROM EAST COAST TO THE WEST COAST---WE DECIDE TO MOVE AGAIN....AGAIN I WILL STAY AND SELL THE HOUSE AND FIND A NEW JOB ETC....AND THE RESENTMENT BUILDS.

MAKE THE MOVE ABOUT 1 1/2 MONTH AFTER MY HUSBAND.WE LOVE THE WEST COAST...HIKING BIKING CAMPING AND THINGS ARE GOOD AT FIRST OR SEEM GOOD.

H HAS AN EA POSSIBLE PA IN 2004.EVENTUALLY OW MOVES OUT OF TOWN, BUT H STILL IN CONTACT VIA PHONE...I DEMAND CUT OF ALL CONTACT (IT IS ME OR HER)...HE PICKS ME AND CUTS ALL TIES.

BUT I WAS UNABLE TO FORGIVE,FORGET, TRUST.

I BECAME A CRAZY WOMAN...SNOOPING, DEMANDING TO KNOW WHO WAS ON THE PHONE, CALLING TELEPHONE NUMBERS ON THE CELL PHONE BILL TO SEE IF A WOMAN WOULD ANSWER. THINGS GOT UGLY.

WE CELEBRATED OUR 10 YR ANNIVERSARY IN OCTOBER...HE MOVED OUT IN NOVEMBER AND WE REMAIN PHYSICALLY SEPARATED. I AM IN OUR HOME AND HE IS STAYING WITH A FRIEND (MALE).

I HAVE READ THE DIVORCE REMEDY AND AM HERE ON THE BOARDS CONSTANTLY...

I AM DOING OK WITH SOME ASPECTS OF DB'ING BUT FAILING IN MANY WAYS

THINGS SEEM TO BE GOING DOWNHILL FAST
AT FIRST WE WERE "DATING" AT LEAST WEEKLY...HAVEN'T HAD A DATE SINCE JANUARY

SPENT HOLIDAYS APART...HE CALLED ME ALL DAY AND THANKSGIVING AND MISSED ME AND WAS SORRY WE HADN'T SPENT IT TOGETHER

JUST BEFORE CHRISTMAS HE WENT ON A TRIP,PRIOR TO LEAVING HE SAID HE WANTED TO GIVE THE MARRIAGE ONE MORE TRY BUT DISAPPEARED AND SENT ONLY A TEXT MESSAGE WISHING ME A MARRY X-MAS

NEW YEARS EVE...HAD PLANNED A PARTY AT OUR PLACE BUT I CANCELLED IT DUE TO ANGER OVER EVENTS SURROUNDING CHRISTMAS AND WE EACH CELEBRATED SEPARATELY WITH FRIENDS

H FRIEND'S KNOW ABOUT SEPARATION...MINE DO NOT
NEITHER OF US HAVE TOLD OUR FAMILY

THINGS HAVE BEEN VERY CONFUSING...THE USUAL LIMBO

I WANT MY HUSBAND...HE WANTS ME MAYBE/MAYBE NOT

I DID ALL THE WRONG THINGS...BEGGING/PLEADING/CRYING/PHOTOS OF GOOD TIMES/LETTERS FROM THE COURTSHIP/LETTERS FROM THE HEART

I AM DOING WELL WITH THE GAL

MY APPEARANCE IS GOOD...ALWAYS HAS BEEN...AM VERY PHYSICALLY ACTIVE

MY H SITS ON THE FENCE...HE SEEMS SO INTO ME SOMETIMES BUT THE NEXT DAY WILL BE ALMOST COLD...IT IS SO HARD

I LOOKED INTO FILING FOR DIVORCE EVEN FILLED OUT SOME OF THE FORMS WITH THE INTENTION OF FILING...LIMBO IS HARD AND I AM 32 AND WOULD LIKE A FAMILY...TIME IS OF THE ESSCENCE

HE DOESN'T WANT TO FILE BUT HE DOESN'T WANT TO COME HOME AND WORK ON THIS...WHAT RELATIONSHIP EVER GOT BETTER BY TWO PEOPLE IGNORING EACH OTHER

HE COMES TO THE HOUSE ALOT...TO GET STUFF...SEE THE DOG

WHEN I ASKED ABOUT HIM COMING HOME HE SAID "WHY DO YOU THINK IT WILL BE DIFFERENT"....WELL DUH...BECAUSE I AM MAKING CHANGES AND ACKNOWLEDGING MY MISTAKES AND AM DEVOTED TO MAKING IMPROVEMENTS

SATURDAY I HAD ANOTHER CRYING/PLEADING BREAKDOWN...AND HE LEFT
I CALLED HIM RIGHT AWAY AND ASKED IS THEIR ANY PART OF YOU THAT WANTS THIS TO WORK AND HE SAID YES...BUT THEN WOULDN'T EVEN TRY TO TALK WITH ME TO OPEN UP AND SHARE HOW HE IS FEELING

FOR ME THAT WAS THE LAST STRAW...I DECIDED TO "GO DARK"
MY H TEXTS ME ALOT...I ALWAYS RESPOND AND RESPOND IMMEDIATELY

IN ORDER TO KEEP MY SANITY, I DECIDED TO KEEP MY CELL OFF...HE SENT LOTS OF TEXTS INCLUDING A GOODNIGHT TEXT AROUND 2:30 AM, THE NEXT DAY HE JUST KEPT TEXTING ABOUT MY IGNORING HIM SO I FINALLY SENT A TEXT BACK THAT I WAS NOT IGNORING HIM, WHAT'S UP

I THEN KINDA CAVED AND SENT A FEW TEXTS...BUT AM TRYING TO GO DARK AGAIN...TRYING TO COMMUNICATE ONLY ABOUT HOUSE/FINANCES.

SORRY FOR THIS LONG POST...THE END OF THIS TALE RIGHT NOW IS THAT I FEEL READY TO GIVE UP...I AM DREAMING OF THE DAY WHEN ALL THIS MESS DOESN'T PREOCCUPY MY MIND...WHEN I CAN FOCUS ON WORK AND FRIENDS AND FAMILY

THROUGH BUCKETS OF TEARS I AM CLOSING UP FOR TONIGHT

THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO POSTS ON THE SITE...I LEARN SO MUCH FROM READING YOUR POSTS AND I GAIN STRENGTH BY SEEING HOW STRONG YOU ARE. GOODNIGHT!!

[spellfire]

First tip: In internet-land, posting with all your text in upper case is considered shouting and renders it largely unreadable to many, myself included. Please switch off your caps lock in future. You will get more readers and feedback that way.

Gotta go sleep, but I'll have a better read tomorrow and get back to you.

SF

[smiles76]

thanks for the tip

[smiles76]

well so much for going dark

received a middle of the night text from H saying that it is terrible when I don't respond to him

doesn't he realize that when the D is final we won't be texting back and forth

I want a husband, not some pen pal

but of course i sent a quick text back apologizing

his response "it is what it is"

Too bad I don't know what "it" is

I could use any tips on going dark or just tips in general

[Gypsy]

Good morning, smiles..

Just a note about CAPS typing. The words are uniform, making it hard for the eyes to distinguish the variation of the letters which is how we're used to reading. What you shared was emphatic.

One.. not having children makes choices easier, though the dissolution of marriage is a very tough alternative.

Know what you want.. what you need, what your priorities are.

It takes two to get to this position. Each has to take 100% responsibility for their 50% part of the relationship. DB says to remove the negative that bugs your spouse.. that way he is gradually forced to look in the mirror about what his issues are. Him leaving, forcing the issue did the same thing for you. If it's important, you as a couple work on it, if not.. it's bye bye.

Going dark brings out the part of him that doesn't want to lose you.. whether it's based on a comfort factor or true underlying commitment.

Instead of constantly apologizing, validate what he says, even if you don't believe it. Saying "I understand how you can feel that way." or "uh huh".. sounds that you are listening is great because you ARE listening. Hush your brain and listen to what he says. There's no need to say anything. You know how much better you feel when you to talk, unload? Why would it be any different with your spouse? Give the gift of undivided attention.

I love what you wrote... "I want a husband, not a pen pal."

This is a terrible time but also a great time to grow. Read relationships books.. like Divorce Remedy, Codependent No More, 'His Needs, Her Needs', the Five Love Languages, the Four Agreements among others often recommended. They all help you understand and make informed choices about what makes you, people and spouses tick. And you become better and better.

Counseling is good. Professionals help you get healthier faster and provide guideposts and solid direction.

Take care of all of you... mind, body, spirit. Get healthy and the rest follows.

*hugs*

[Forrest Gump]

I don't know.. I kinda like the caps. But the last thing you want is just me responding.

I need for you to expand some of your thoughts.

"FOR ME THAT WAS THE LAST STRAW...I DECIDED TO "GO DARK"
MY H TEXTS ME ALOT...I ALWAYS RESPOND AND RESPOND IMMEDIATELY"

So you stopped texting all together?

"H HAS AN EA POSSIBLE PA IN 2004."

One of the first things that you need to understand is you have to make choices here. A big part of DB'ing is making a solid choice.. and sticking to it. You can't waffle back and forth. Now the question I will ask is.. Is the EA/PA a deal breaker for you. Answer this question carefully.

If you answer no.. then here is where you start. You find a way to put all this

"BUT I WAS UNABLE TO FORGIVE,FORGET, TRUST."

Behind you. You have to take a fresh look on things.. and essentially.. "start over". This is why I tell you to think about what it means to say.. this was not a deal breaker.

"THINGS SEEM TO BE GOING DOWNHILL FAST"

This is usually because.. you and him are still doing "more of the same" even though you live apart. This will be your next focus point.

Define what you think "Going Dark" means.

"WHEN I ASKED ABOUT HIM COMING HOME HE SAID "WHY DO YOU THINK IT WILL BE DIFFERENT"....WELL DUH...BECAUSE I AM MAKING CHANGES AND ACKNOWLEDGING MY MISTAKES AND AM DEVOTED TO MAKING IMPROVEMENTS"

From experience I will tell you.. this will be much more effective once you stop saying it.. and he see's it on his own.

"LIMBO IS HARD AND I AM 32 AND WOULD LIKE A FAMILY...TIME IS OF THE ESSCENCE"

Limbo is hard. Time is something that will help you.. don't wish away.. the time that you have right now. At the very least you have some hope here in your situation.

[smiles76]

Gypsy and Forest Gump,
Thank you for responding...it helps me focus my thoughts rather than continually turning the same thoughts over and over again in my own head.

I have spent a lot of time determining my wants and needs within myself and within the relationship. I am doing a lot of reading and keeping a journal. I like to go back through the journal and re-evaluate myself.

I participate in individual counseling but not in marriage counseling.

I believe co-dependence had been a big issue for me so that is an area I have chosen to focus on improving

I do pretty well with my GAL
am busy going out with friends and doing my various athletics

I will try to validate vs. apologize---you are right that will be more effective for both of us

I think my attempt at going dark just made me seem cold and angry---I basically cut him off completely and it kind of backfired...thinking about this, it might be better if I set up some boundaries I would be comfortable with and shared those boundaries with my husband.

Initially I viewed the EA/?PA as a deal breaker however I was too afraid to get out of the relationship---the more I "grow" myself the more I realize that given the state of our relationship I can understand how it could have happened. He recently shared with me that he felt I had been involved in an EA of my own (in a way I agree) and he always suspected a PA (definitely never happened, but I did avoid being alone with this person to prevent one).

I agree that there is most likely an element of "more of the same" going on----I am trying to improve my contributions to the cycle

[smiles76]

Due to a household emergency, my H was here at the house with me all day. This made for a very hard day. I wanted to hug him, kiss him and pull him into the bedroom. The desire to ML is odd because in the past although I wanted affection (hugs/kisses/ILY)I had lost the desire to ML.

Another strange thing, my husband always nagged me about my housekeeping and it really bothered me and the more he nagged the less I did around the house. Since he moved out I have truely enjoyed cleaning up and organizing. It started off as a way to avoid angering my H but now it is just a routine I am in and I don't even mind it.

Also, we had to work together on the household project. Working together recently has always lead to an arguement...didn't happen today. But I did get a little sad thinking that alot of times the reason we ended up squabbling had nothing to do with the project and more to do with the resentment I was holding inside. I would be angry inside but never express it and then blow up over nothing.

I was remembering a recent hiking trip where I threw an actual tantrum like a two-year old, not over what he was asking me but because I felt that through out the trip he had given more attention to the group than to time with me

I just cringe when I look at a lot of my behaviors...I have not been very adult in my relationship.

A couple weeks ago my husband shared with me that he had been discussing "us" with a friend. He told his friend that he believed once he went through with the divorce he would regret it because I am such a beautiful, smart, good person and a package like that is hard to find. He said that his friend's advice was to move forward with the divorce because we could always re-marry if we were to realize we had made a mistake.

We are both finally beginning to see the mistakes we both made. In the past we were so concerned with defending our position and making the other person the bad guy that we didn't take responsibility for our own actions.

It is just hard to know if it is possible to get past all those mistakes...did we destroy what should have been our relationship base.

I want to rebuild the base, not sure my H does. I think it is possible...is it easier to start fresh with someone without the baggage---sure, probably.

The thing is, if we could start fresh I think we could be AWESOME.

We are a match so well suited (I know I sound crazy given the website I am on)

But we both love the outdoors, love trivia, love good conversation and good wine. And when we're together and not having relationship talk I feel a little bit of the early "us" still there....

Hope is the thing with the feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without words,
And never stops at all.

Living separately and not going on "dates" anymore is hard

Should I invite him on a "date"?

I fear that with no interaction we'll both just give up.

[smiles76]

an interesting thought I just had...I used to tell my husband I wanted a divorce and storm out of the house with every major argument, but never left or followed through with the threat.

I honestly thought he had no reason to complain and that everything was his fault.

Through reading and counseling I think...WOW NO WONDER HE MOVED OUT

it helps me understand his reluctance to work on our relationship

every time we have an event where intimacy begins to be re-established he becomes cold and distant...is it true regret or is it fear.

I know I am scared to give it another try because if I give it all my effort and it still doesn't work out then it is "THE END"

[smiles76]

I keep insisting that I am doing great with my GAL...reflected on it last night and decided maybe I could be doing better...make myself a little busier and expose my self to some new people rather than just going out more often with old friends and doing my same ol' activities more often.

Joined a few meet up groups last night and RSVP'd to a few events

Planning to take up knitting too---have always wanted to and they say it is very therapeutic and stress relieving