I decided to start a new thread today. I feel like I'm losing the fight. I finally gave in and bought 3 DB coaching sessions. I HAVE to know that I've tried everything to keep my family together. I had my first one yesterday. I must say, she did make me feel better - Thank you, Joanne!!
So, she told me I should believe that my H has been abducted by aliens. I told her that wasn't hard to believe - that he doesn't even look like my H anymore (with the facial hair and lack of a haircut - for 6+ months). When I look in his eyes, I see only emptiness. I know he's messed up. I know he's hurting, and I know he has no idea what he has done or is doing.
I am resolved to stand by my marriage. I truly believe that my family deserves that. My kids will always come first, and I truly believe that if my H can snap out of it, it is the best thing for them. I also still love him with all of my heart----well, I love the person he used to be, before the abduction, and know I can love him if he can return. I do wonder about trust, though............
I know now that I don't NEED him. I can survive without him. I didn't used to think that. I still think that NONE of this makes sense. It is all so unfair to me and to our kids, and family-----but there's nothing I can do about it. If in the end he chooses OW over me, then it's his loss. She will get a man that used to be a GREAT man----deep down to his soul. He was great until she chose to pursue him, a married man, and he strayed. She chose to pursue a married man after she herself lost her husband to an affair. Why or how anyone can do this----I will never understand.
I have made progress on me. I am GALing. I am moving forward as if he will never return from the mother ship. However, the pain is still very intense. It gets to me at times, and I need to start predicting when it is going to happen so I can find a better way to deal with the emotion.
I vow to remain at NO CONTACT this time. Any contact will be brief, about the kids, and upbeat. My DB coach also recommmended that I live as if I were dating----which will be very hard for me since I have been with H since I was 15 and I have no idea what that is............but the looking good, smelling good advice is easy to follow. The next tip was to find a way to shock him. A new haircut, color, tattoo????? Well, I've done the hair thing, and might try something new when I go in for a haircut next week. The tattoo??? Don't know if I'm ready for that. I would welcome other ideas that might be considered a way to get his attention, though.............
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
I love the name of your thread! And proabbaly like so many here , we think we could write each others stories with very LITTLE variance....my variance would be OW left her H to pursue mine and mine. Her H was devasted ..2 families destroyed...
I am curious why the DB coach stated to act like you are dating? Gosh I my divorce is even final...thats such a hard one
Hello TCBTE....(di) My name is Sanderika, You could have written the above post about me and my sitch.
You have been where I have and are where I am.....
My sitch started almost 1 year to the day before yours.
I also have been with my H since I was 15. I love him with all my heart and cannot imagine otherwise. I want him back home with me and our son. I have tried to move on and can't. I am a stander and that is one fact I cannot deny, I will go anywhere and do anything to save my marriage. I have been dragged in the mud and steam-rolled over and over by this mans actions and still I love him.
We will have been together 30 years as of next month and married 25 years come April.
I like you don't need him, I am quite capable of taking care of things all by myself. I WANT him in my life. I want to grow old with him. I want to be "grammy and grampa" with him at grammy's and grampa's house some day in the same house. I don't want my son to have to choose. This makes me cry.
I gal as much as I can with a 12 year old to take care of. I can leave him alone for short periods of time.
I have done the looks good, smells good, changed my style to fit a younger mood. I have long brown hair that I used to wear up everyday, now I wear it down for a more youthful appearance. I lost weight and kept it off (could have been the D diet that did that for me). It actually took me 60 days to do a 360 and turn H's head again. He is very attracted to me and says so.
In the 42.5 months that he has been gone he went from hating my guts to actually liking me and enjoying me again. We also have maintained a sexual R since Jan.'06 right up til the present. Some have issue with this...this is one area that has kept us connected and for that I am grateful while disregarding the risks. Right???? Wrong???? I don't have the answer, I just do it because I want to and it feels right.
My H moved out right away back in Aug.'05 for another woman and he is still seeing the same OW. This is the part that makes being with him sexually so frustrating. He enjoys being with me again. I do not know why he can't come back.
He actually postponed our D at a court appearance in Jan.'09 stating before the judge that he wanted his marriage and to reconcile it within 6 months. I have not seen any different behavior from him that would make me believe he meant what he said. I could go on and on about this but won't, that's not really why I decided to post you.
I wanted to point out our similarities. I have also vowed to make no contact to him. I NEVER initiate a CALL, TEXT or SEE/VISIT him. It is my H who makes all the contacts with me/us.
I also never mention R talking. When he is over it is a safe haven for him and a warm, loving friendly place to be.
I have had one DB Coach session with Jody. I did that last summer. I had only found this website last June. I have bought 2 more sessions and am hanging onto them (they are expensive) I want to use them when I feel dire. The advice Jody gave me was right on except she told me to stop the sex. I did not do as advised. I know my H and that would have been an end right there. The reason is because I was depressed and I refused him sex for the better part of a year before he left. I could not do that to him again after I got better.
I understand you and your emotions being unpredictable. Just yesterday I sat on the couch and bawled like crazy. I sounded like a wounded cow. It will hit me when I am alone without much to do and my thoughts get the best of me.
Do you and your H still have friendly conversations? Does your H still find you desireable and attractive? I don't mean to pry but it is good if these things are happening. Has he mentioned a D or filed for one?
The one thing I have done that has helped more than anything else is that I treat H well. I am good and kind and loving towards him. I treat him with respect and listen to his conversations with total attention and interest. I try to make him feel desired and put him first when he is over.
Sometimes I think we can create the outer package look just gorgeous and desireable and we must maintain that at all cost once we achieve it. THEN, there is the personality to display....I think most of our H left because of neglect in one way or another or more ways than one. They left because we were not fulfilling a need they had and it usually was emotional. I think in order to recapture the relationship we need to fulfill their emotional needs. I have found ways to fulfill my H. Albeit I still think a reconcilement where he comes back home is a ways off yet.
I "think" we are possibly on the right track. I still have hope but try my hardest to have no expectations.
I, like you, know if they returned we could continue to love them. I think the trust will be hard. I worry about that too. I feel if my H came back and we were happy the trust would fall into place and I would hope that once he made the committment again he would have zero contact with the OW. I would not take him back without a vow of zero contact.
OH my, I have rambled and written way too much. I really wanted to say hello to you, it's strangely comforting when you read someone's post and it sounds just like yourself.
You will be in my thoughts.....
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
The next tip was to find a way to shock him. A new haircut, color, tattoo????? Well, I've done the hair thing, and might try something new when I go in for a haircut next week. The tattoo??? Don't know if I'm ready for that. I would welcome other ideas that might be considered a way to get his attention, though.............
The very best way to shock your Husband is to do nothing.
No calls, texts, emails, absolutely nothing.
You are not GAL to win him back or to even make him curious,or to shock him, you are doing it for yourself.
Making yourself look good, makes you feel good.
Working on your own issues, becoming a better person for you.
The focus has to be on you, not him.
I don't want to be discouraging, but none of us know the final outcome of our Marriages, and sometimes we need to save ourselves first, and if the Marriage can be saved too, then that is a bonus.
It really does get easier as time goes by. Once you can truly detach from the situation you will find that your Husband's antics will not bother you as much.
((((((((((hugs)))))))))
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Graceallday - The act like your dating is designed to make you feel good about yourself (you look good, you feel good), and maybe to get H's attention.
Sanderika - so sorry we're all here. It does sound like we're in the same place. And I too want nothing more than to grow old together with my H...........
BND----yes, thank you for the reality check. I do know that everything I do has to be for me first. But, I wouldn't be here if I didn't also hope that all I do gets him back......and I am confident the no contact----I mean absoluetely no contact would be a shock to H, and I'm going to try..........with 3 kids, it's extremely difficult, but will keep it about the kids. Well, that's why I'm still here fighting anyway.............I have often wondered if it weren't for them would I still be standing.
I'm back here for support, after a long absence. If anyone is curious, I think my old threads are still available.........however, the story is all the same----I'm just a little bit stronger.
My last fortune cookie read: You are a strong, brave person. I plan to live up to the cookie!!
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
You have to understand that if your Husband is in MLC it is a very long freaking process.
Keep things totally about the kids and business only.
I stood for my Marriage also, mainly for the kids, and it sucked the life out of me during the first couple of years.
In hindsight, I wasted so much time worrying about the future, and my Marriage, that I got stuck and forgot how to live, and merely just exist.
Exactly.....and sometimes a marriage isn't restored at the end of it all....but if it's not....then rest assured that if you have taken the time to work on yourself, the possibility of a new and great life is awaiting !!!!
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
You are right. I have felt the life being sucked out of me for the past 2 years---and I have to make the sucking stop!!!! That's why I'm back here. That's why I contacted the DB coaches----to get help with me. I don't know if my H will ever come out of it----for his sake, and our kids's sake, I hope he does and I hope he hasn't screwed up so much that there is only damage in the end............I love him----but I love my kids----and THEY love me!!! They will be first, and in order for that to happen, I have to be the best ME I can be!!! I think I'll go get on the treadmill..................
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
So, D12 had a bb game last night. I thought I had everything we needed since she was with me when she played her last game----but no. I had to contact H and ask if he had her shoes. I thought since I had contacted him, he might suggest that we ride together, but I didn't bring it up. He said he just finished a run and needed to shower---could bring the shoes out first. I said, no, just leave them on his porch and I would get them. So I did.
H showed up about 2 minutes into 1st quarter. I do think I could smell alcohol on his breath, so that hasn't stopped. He wasn't disoriented though, good since the game is 30 minutes from home. He sat in front of D and I. I could tell he wanted to scoot back to the back row with us (to have a back rest), but he would have to sit by me...and he COULDN'T do that.......it made me smile. A little talk about D, and game, and baseball practice for today. When we left, I went straight to the car-----it was freezing. H walked out with us and said goodnight to the kids. No one mentioned that I told them we would go for icecream after the game. In the recent past, I would have invited him----to have any chance to be together. I did my best to be upbeat.
While at the game my D15 showed me how hairy her legs were. She's been waiting for her BF to ask her to the prom. I told her that maybe he would ask if she would shave!!! We talked about how funny it would be if I asked her BF if he would ask her if she shaved-----so I then sent him a TM and asked. He later responded, said he would consider it.....and could he ask me a question. I told him "maybe....." Not having any idea what it could be. He then asked me to talk to D. Said she is really upset about her mom and dad and needed me to talk to her. I told him that I had always been open, and there really wasn't anything to say, but I talked with her a bit.
It was awkward, to be told by a 16 year old that I needed to talk to my D-----but then none of our kids act like any of this is bothering them, so at least now I know it is. BF is a good kid, but the thought of my D and him following the same path H and I did is frightening......BF said in his text that he wanted me to talk to D because neither of us want to see her cry....so my final TM to him was "please never hurt her.........."
So there will be no contact with H unless he initiates. He knows schedule for the day...............Oh, and LITTLE GREEN MEN: How did you make H become so cold and uncaring!!! I can't even believe that he hasn't asked me how my mother is doing. I mentioned that I would need to keep an eye on her this weekened since we spent Thursday morning in the ER.........I only told him because we might be there when D or S had ball practice. He said ok. Didn't ask how she was doing. The woman who has been his MIL for almost 23 years. He called her mom. Always had very nice things to say about her...........
In our final e-mail communication last week H said "...I feel like I can't have any of the feelings you deserve.....and that I am emotionally done...." I have been trying to wrap my mind around all of that. I guess he also can't even CARE about my family members---people that have been his family for 23 years..... I'm not even going to tell him about my sister (his favorite) who at age 49 had to have cataract surgery. She had her second on Thursday and yesterday had to go in for emergency surgery to reposition the lens because it rotated.
It was a long week. So much going on...........the never-ending life sucking from H (that has to stop!!), my mom, my sister, fighting with contractor about his final bill on my remodel. All a reminder that H is out of the picture..........his soul is on the mother ship...............
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
I was beginning to think I was the only one that has been at this this long (2) years and still sep. and not D. Your sitch's sound so simular to mine. I too am trying to stop contacting him. It is so VERY VERY hard for me to do.
H and I continued having sex up until the first week of Dec. It has stopped now. And I really don't see it happening again for a very long time. If ever again.
I have done all the new haircuts. Lost 50 lbs. New clothes. Kept myself up in his presence. Etc... H doesn't comment, seem to even notice. It's like nothing I say or do matters to him anymore. I feel I've tried absolutely everything. It's so discouraging.
One night last weekend and last night H calls just to talk or for a dumb reason.??? (He NEVER calls) Right away I am thinking that he has plans with OW and checking if the coast is clear. As he asks what I and the girls are doing. Then a tiny thought, maybe he wants to ask me to come in. He doesn't ask. So my mind runs. Last week I told him what I thought. He denied. Last night I let it go.
My H like yours doesn't seem to care about anyone that has anything to do with me, including our D's. He told me again recently "I don't care about anthing, I don't care about OW, I don't care about you, I don't even care about myself!". This is the ONE thing I believe from him. And it is so sad. He is so not the man that I have loved for so long.
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
